Catfighting talk shows part 1

Previously on the Surreal Life: well you can catch that here from me.

Here are the crazies if you’re just joining us:

Sherman Helmsley, most notably known as George Jefferson in The Jefferson’s.

C. C. Deville, guitarist for the mid-80’s rockers, Poison.

Tawny Kitaen, vixen from the Whitesnake video, actress in Bachelor Party, and hostess of America’s Funniest People.

Steve Harwell, front man for current rock and rollers, Smashmouth.

Andrea Lowell, Playboy cover girl and talent on Playboy TV.

Alexis Arquette, from the Hollywood Arquettes (David’s brother), male transgendering into female, pure shock value personality for the house.

Maven (Huffman), male winner of the original WWE Tough Enough, released from WWE last year. (Cost cutting move)

And also the resident shrink, Florence Henderson, as Dr. Flo. She apparently has some training in hypnotherapy. She doesn’t live in the house, but stops by daily for advice and whatnot.

This morning’s sign is “Free Continental Breakfast.” Apparently a spread is awaiting them in the dining area. The girls are talking about thongs, because Andrea is concerned that her thong is going to show. Tawny says she doesn’t like to show her butt, but she likes to show her thong. Alexis, of course, loves her thong, th-thong, thong because a thong is not wrong. Even Flo arrives for some breakfast. They then start talking about the evils of smoking and how Steve is one of only 5 kids and his parents that doesn’t smoke. An awkward silence occurs when after Flo announces that none of her children smoked, she then asks Steve if he has any children, which he answers no, because his son died a couple of years ago, when he was six months old of Leukemia.

Paper time! “Heeeeeerrrrrrrre’s C.C.!” The Lifers are each going to host 10-minute talk-show segments later in the evening in front of a live studio audience. They will be assisted by a staff of industry professionals. Any host is welcome to book their own guest. They are provided a list of talk-show guests if they don’t decide to go on their own. The list includes: Bridget the Midget; Paul Miller, a dude with a HUGE mustache; Jeff Lee, an animal trainer; Johnny Holiday, an elderly fitness freak; and Dr. Flo herself, Florence Henderson!!!!

Alexis dashes off to the phone to immediately try to book her own guest, using her Hollywood connections for assistance.

Tawny plans on calling someone as well, but puts her hand to her ear and indicates that she wants Flo as her guest. Tawny c-t’s that she chose Flo because she wants to show them what she’s really like, which is not Carol Brady. Apparently it’s time for a brief history lesson on how this feud has been brewing. In episode one, they were both being catty about Andrea’s Playboy works, both in the magazine and on the Playboy Channel. In the second episode, Tawny wanted to be in a scene in the music video that was being shot for Steve’s Smashmouth band with Flo while Tawny was dressed as a nun! Since Flo was raised by nuns, she wanted no part of that. In the last two episodes, they were on a network news assignment, with Tawny being a field reporter, and bombing at that, and Flo as the co-anchor. When Flo asked Tawny how much the replacement weather vane that she got them was, and stated that the stolen vane was about $500, Tawny was basically caught with her mouth wide open, dumbfounded. Tawny is seeking to use this talk show segment as a chance for revenge for that “curveball” that she got served up last week.

Steve and Maven are going to be a two-man team, and picked the animal trainer from the ready made list.

C.C. decides he’ll take Johnny Holiday, and Sherman asks if he can partner up with him. Sherman’s really shy, wants to do his best but is kind of afraid to do it on his own.

The production crew arrives, restating that there will be a 10-minute time limit for each segment. If, after 10 minutes they’re not done, the band will play them off, just like on an awards show. The live audience will be judging them with some kind of judgment meters where a flick of a switch or a push of a button will tell the cast whose show was the best of the night. There will a prize for the winner: The winner will get to host the “Lost Moments” show for this seasons’ Surreal Life finale.

Alexis, after getting on the phone with her family, a casting agent, and a few others, gets connected with her brother David Arquette, who hooks her up with a guy from the Muppets. Alexis’s guest for her segment: the world famous Pepe, the king prawn.

Andrea decided on Bridget the Midget for her guest. She figures this will be a piece of cake because on the Playboy Network she has a similar job, although there she usually does it in the nude.

Alexis is planning out her monologue with one of the writers, and basically writes it herself with some in-jokes about the previous seasons’ guests in the house and their various indiscretions there.

Flo convinced Sherman to do a segment on his own. He decided to try to get as a guest, Marla Gibbs, whose most famous role was as his housekeeper in the Jeffersons. No answer, and he’s not sure what he’s gonna do now… Sherman gets as an alternate guest, Paul Miller with the world’s largest mustache.

Tawny is now trying to tell the writer about the “real” Flo, including filling him in on some of the previous incidents between the two. Basically she’s gonna attempt to throw Flo under the bus, run her over, back the bus up, and run her over again and again until she’s satisfied!!!! This one looks to be a train wreck folks…. Tawny tries to do a pre-interview. Flo wants the interview to be spontaneous. Tawny wishes that Flo would stop bossing her around. Flo senses a lot of competition in Tawny. Tawny’s trying to push Flo’s buttons, but it doesn’t seem to be working. Tawny, with a slight blur, is reveling in her own glory of bringing Flo down a few pegs. Alexis goes out to warn Flo about the incoming hard-hitting tone that Tawny’s segment will take, especially the shocking questions that Tawny’s planning to ask at the end.

Rehearsal time. Steve and Maven, no worries. Tawny’s monologue, no problem. Alexis, no problem. C. C.? Problem! He didn’t do so good...

The judging meters is a dial from apparently 1 to 100, which can be adjusted every second of the show. Apparently the host (or hosts) with the highest score for their segment will win that hosting gig for the “Lost Moments” of the Surreal Life 6 finale episode.

Everybody’s a nervous wreck. Steve and Maven will be up first. Steve is saying that it’s very hard to stay sober on this show. He really wants a drink, badly. C.C. is probably the worst wreck of them all, with his rehearsal bombing out. Alexis states that Tawny’s planning to dive-bomb on Flo in her segment and she couldn’t be convinced to change the tone of her show.

What will happen?? Find out next week on part 2.

Since nobody else seems to want to write summaries for the show, I’ll be back next week unless somebody else steps up to the plate before I get it done.