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Thread Number: 3946
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Original Message
"Please help Coach with his stories"
Posted by PepeLePew13 on 04-27-09 at 03:59 PM
This is a supplemental thread to go with the "What a life he leads" one by Estee. I mean, the poor guy... Coach has so many incredible stories that it's hard for him to keep them all documented - there's just so many of them that it's natural he and his brother haven't had a chance to finish typing them all out.

Won't you help Coach and his brother Pete to finish his library of stories? I know you all have it in your hearts to help the poor guy out.

Please come up with some stories to help him out. There might even be a ESBE Blowie award for the best offering.


Stinky Musings <--- blog's been updated!

Table of contents
Messages in this discussion
"I'll start..."
Posted by PepeLePew13 on 04-27-09 at 04:03 PM
LAST EDITED ON 04-27-09 AT 04:24 PM (EST)

Coach: “There was the time I decided to kayak a complete route around Greenland. When I got to the far northern tip, I saw a group of Vikings with long, thick beards on shore. They were hitting some golf balls; naturally, I pulled over because they were obviously doing it incorrectly and needed me to teach them how to do it properly.

After hitting a hundred and thirty-two perfect drives, I hit one with a ferocious slice and it flew 385 yards in the air into the ocean. The ocean, being as cold as it was, caused the ball to skip like a big, flat stone and eventually ended up hitting a giant whale. Soon thereafter, the whale seemed to be in great distress.

The Vikings begged me to save the great whale as it was too early in the season to let it die. So of course, I told them I was also a marine biologist and I could save the great big whale before anything would happen to it.

The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about fifty feet out and suddenly the great beast appeared before me. I tell you he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I said, ‘Easy, big fella!’ And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized that something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish.

Well then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork, and I found myself right on top of him - face to face with the blow hole! I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me but I knew something was there. So I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the obstruction.

It was the golf ball that I had so ferociously sliced earlier, and, of course, my skill is so great that even when I made what you might think was a poor shot, it still ended up in a hole. The Vikings made me an honourary leader for the whole season and I was showered with gifts for my bravery."


Stinky Musings <--- blog's been updated!

"RE: I'll start..."
Posted by suzzee on 04-27-09 at 05:29 PM
Now I see where Coach gets his material, he's a lurker. I can't compete with your writing skills though I'm sure if Coach were here he'd claim to be Ice Cat.


Agman camouflaged me for S17

"RE: George....I mean Coach...."
Posted by mindy23 on 05-01-09 at 09:12 AM
Been there, done that, about 15 years ago??? It was really good and pretty darn funny back then, too. But now, well, let's just say, about 3 billion and counting have heard it....

"Shamelessly borrowed..."
Posted by PepeLePew13 on 04-27-09 at 04:20 PM
...from IceCat's legendary story from the Spoilers board during S2 Australia:


Coach and the Legend of the Sea Faring Kangaroos

Deep in the past that the aboriginal peoples call the 'Dream Time', a race of sea faring kangaroos existed. They could swim for hundreds of miles out to sea and return to tell the tale to their 'boomer brethren'.

One of the greatest of the sea faring kangaroos set out one day to travel as far out on the ocean as she possibly could and began to swim north of the island continent towards the steamy jungles of Indonesia. Having explored this new and intriguing land, she set off to return to her 'kangaroo kin' with a bundle of this remarkable giant grass which the Indonesian people called 'bamboo'. She tucked the bamboo into a slit she had cut into her fur.

Alas the prevailing currents and tides on the return trip were not as favourable for our intrepid explorer and the poor soul died of exhaustion within sight of her beloved 'down under' home.

Suddenly, the great and tireless explorer, Coach, burst out of the bushes and dove into the ocean. He found the battered body of the fearless and brave kangaroo and her cargo of remarkable giant grass near what would, some day, become the Queensland coast. Assuming that this giant grass must be magical, Coach created a sarcophagus out of the bamboo and tenderly laid the cold body of the poor kangaroo into it, in the hopes that its magic would save the marsupial.

The other kangaroos and Coach kept vigil over the bamboo coffin and waited for a miracle. Coach meditated for days and exhorted the gods to intervene. The kangaroos' sorrow grew with each passing day and their desire to swim upon the southern oceans waned until their great sea faring spirit was finally broken.

To this very day... kangaroos no longer swim the oceans of the world and the females of the species still possess the slit that held the bamboo.

And this is why Coach can never show his face again in the continent of Australia as all kangaroos and other marsupials bitterly blame him for failing to save their beloved sea-faring kangaroo.


Stinky Musings <--- blog's been updated!

"Well, since you asked..."
Posted by kingfish on 04-27-09 at 06:37 PM
LAST EDITED ON 04-27-09 AT 06:38 PM (EST)


Stone carving by Agman
Hammer by Kingfish (heh heh!)

Uncle Tooie spun a wild one here. This thread has a few other tales too!):
http://community.realitytvworld.com/boards/DCForumID102/934.shtml#9

How Benji saved the world (skip down to the story):
http://community.realitytvworld.com/boards/DCForumID102/912.shtml#20


And another time travelling adventure (again skip to the story).
http://community.realitytvworld.com/boards/DCForumID102/914.shtml#29

"RE: Please help Coach with his stories"
Posted by Spanky68 on 04-28-09 at 09:05 AM
Duh. See my Ep 8 summary (the right one)


Moonbaby tricked out my siggie

"RE: Please help Coach with his stories"
Posted by more_cowbell on 04-28-09 at 10:24 AM
Coach was feeling bored. It was not yet 6 am and he’d already invented Al Gore, disproved string theory, composed a quodlibet for tuba and celesta, and earned a knighthood for defending the Suez Canal from the Ottoman Turks. He sighed, causing a butterfly to flap its wings in South America and a category 7 asteroid to hit Mexico. What was a Noble Warrior to do next?

Later that fateful morning, he set out on foot from his front door in a tiny pair of sneakers. All around him the grey asphalt raged, battering impotently against the fortress of Coach’s titanic ego. It was the beginning of an epic solo voyage of 80,000 light years which, if successful, would set a world record, bring peace to all the planets of the galaxy, and alter the course of history.

Unfortunately, the epic quest ended five yards later when Coach reached his car.

Stay tuned for Chapter 2, in which Coach survives on a meager lunch ration of grape essence and peanut puree, smeared across square remnants of colorless, bleached bread. Can he keep from starving until evening? Will God and Food Lion provide? Or will he accidentally drink Clorox and be rescued by the Doobie Brothers?

"RE: Please help Coach with his stories"
Posted by Bebo on 04-28-09 at 10:35 AM
I can't wait until he tells the one about being raised in the jungle by a pack of wolves until the wolf elders made him leave the pack because Shere Khan was coming to attack, so he hung out with a bear and a Panther and sang about the bare necesities of life.

Or when he was living on an island with a group of guys who called themselves the Lost Boys and claimed that their leader, Peter, knew how to fly. They had some cool fights against a pirate that he barely survived.

And then there was the time his dad married a lovely lady who had three girls, and Coach and his brothers had to figure out how to share just one bathroom with all of these girls. Then they went to Hawaii and got these really cool cursed tikis that almost caused a fatal wipeout while he was surfing.

Ah, memories.


"RE: Please help Coach with his stories"
Posted by kingfish on 04-29-09 at 08:31 AM
LAST EDITED ON 04-29-09 AT 08:35 AM (EST)

LAST EDITED ON 04-29-09 AT 08:34 AM (EST)


The Ultimate Coach Story, in which he finally reveals all!

Coach has done everything, set all the records, won all the prizes in all the contests, all of which he designed, is the greatest warrior in all the forms of art and combat, speaks all modern, ancient, and future languages, is the philosophical, mathematical, and musical genius of all time, and has coached winning girls soccer teams. When his book comes out, he will be the biggest best seller in history, and networks will pay him record sums for hosting every TV show.

He didn't mention this before because he is the most modest person in the history of existence.

"RE: Please help Coach with his stories"
Posted by Estee on 04-29-09 at 09:13 AM
Benji is the Second Coming. (He was originally slated to go third, but when he last spoke to his brother Jesus, he was told "You're better than I ever was, so you've got next.")
"RE: Please help Coach with his stories"
Posted by Sunny_Bunny on 04-29-09 at 10:29 AM
LAST EDITED ON 04-29-09 AT 03:24 PM (EST)

Chapter 1:

It’s really not surprising that I have become such a hero on survivor. To tell the truth, this show is nothing compared to my early life. I have seen so much, done so much, and saved the world so many times that this game of dragon slaying is child’s play. In order to understand my greatness, one must go back to the beginning – when a mysterious owl visited me with a letter in his beak. That owl changed my life, although you would never know it because some vile British woman changed my name from Benji to Harry. Ah, but I digress…

I thrived at Dogports school, even though the school kept putting me in classes for divination, spells, and defense against the dark arts when all I really wanted to study were music classes like enchanted musical instruments and defense against poking myself in the eye with the conductors baton. However, the mythical beasts class would ultimately make me the greatest dragon-slayer the world had ever seen. I also thrived in athletics, although no one would let me near a Nimbus. I simply used my already well-honed Jedi mind tricks to convince the Captain that I would do better on the ground with a soccer ball. I can’t tell you how often Blitherin House carried the day due to my kicking the ball into the sneech and stunning it just long enough for the seeker to catch it.

Chapter 2: In which I, Coach, decide to take my kayak to La Isla Bonita for a few frolics in the serf with Madonna and end up on Isla Nubar where the use of a coconut as a soccer ball fells a might tyrannosaurus and enchanting the skeletal remains of a raptor’s voice box allows me to become their leader so they can tell me how the heck to find Madonna.


"RE: Please help Coach with his stories"
Posted by Brownroach on 04-29-09 at 11:08 AM
LAST EDITED ON 04-29-09 AT 02:46 PM (EST)

I've never told anyone this before. But I almost won the Academy Award for Best Actor of 2000. That's the year Russell Crowe won for "Gladiator", and his performance was quite poor, in comparison to my performance in the movie I would have starred in that year if I had become an actor and had been hired to star in a movie. Everyone said that I would be a shoo-in to get the award, I was good to go, it was a done deal, no question, if any of what I just said had ever happened. It's really unfortunate that Russell -- and he's become a good friend, by the way -- edged me out. Even he admits I should have won if I had been in a movie that year, which, if I had taken up acting, I would have been, and my film would have been a blockbuster 10,000 times the size of "Gladiator" just because of my presence and star power and amazing acting ability.

Meryl Streep sent a heartfelt message lamenting my loss the day after the Awards ceremony.


A tribe glows in Brooklyn

"RE: Please help Coach with his stories"
Posted by mindy23 on 05-01-09 at 09:18 AM
What about the time he went up against all the Khan's (or was it Khant's??) with Tom Cruise? Ah, what a mighty time that was. The sword, the mighty sword, was mightier than, the pin, or pen, whatever.

They fought with all their might, scratched all the mites off afterwards, and eventually learned to love those people and live amoungst them and become one with the warriors. Not to mention, he captured the heart of the woman who's very husband he had slain. But he would never speak her name-that name-was it Betty? Nancy? Sierra?? Too sacred to ever cross his mighty lips again.


What happened to Tom, you might ask? Last we saw of him, he was jumping off couches and raging like a loon, so in love with Coach was he.

"Even Jeff Probst is contributing"
Posted by Brownroach on 05-01-09 at 09:55 AM
From JP's Tocantins blog this week:

The Dragon Slayer won immunity. Oh man, he is so happy! I love it. Imagine how great a story this will become as it grows over the next 20 years.

Coach: "And then, it was raining so hard that you literally could not see. Even Jeff said, 'It's raining so hard, I can't see.' But I dug deep and I used my ability to meditate while standing and that allowed me to see through the impenetrable rain. Something only Jedi masters can do.

"Then, I used my telepathic powers to guide the ball through a maze that was so difficult it had never been accomplished by anyone before. Even Jeff said so: 'This challenge is so difficult, no human being has ever accomplished it before!'

"When I finally won, Jeff tried to put the immunity necklace around my neck but due to me bench pressing 350 lb tree trunks earlier in the day my neck was too big for the necklace. That was another first. Even Jeff said as much, 'Wow, I've never seen a neck so big as a result of bench pressing 350 lb tree trunks that I can't get the necklace around. That's impressive.' "

I'm so happy that I'm gonna be part of a Coach tall tale!


A tribe glows in Brooklyn

"RE: Even Jeff Probst is contributing"
Posted by PepeLePew13 on 05-01-09 at 10:32 AM
LAST EDITED ON 05-01-09 AT 10:33 AM (EST)

Beautiful.

I was on my way over to post that when I saw that you already had done it, lol... Ya know, I wonder if Jiffy was reading this thread.

Hi Jiffy! *waves*


Stinky Musings <--- blog's been updated!

"RE: Please help Coach with his stories"
Posted by byoffer on 05-01-09 at 10:22 AM
Dirk Diggler? Coach taught him everything he knows, even though Dirk didn't have Coach's, er, physical presence.

"RE: Please help Coach with his stories"
Posted by byoffer on 05-01-09 at 10:25 AM
Back in highschool Benji had a difficult time with his great spiritual powers. In fact, often when other kids would fall asleep in class or study hall Benji would mysteriously end up inside those dreams. Once he learned to channel the others' dreams he was able to use his talent to save the world.

Wonders how many will get the reference, and tries not to give spoilers for those who haven't read it YET.
"RE: Please help Coach with his stories"
Posted by byoffer on 05-01-09 at 12:48 PM
from Jiffy himself...

The Dragon Slayer won immunity. Oh man, he is so happy! I love it. Imagine how great a story this will become as it grows over the next 20 years.

Coach: ''And then, it was raining so hard that you literally could not see. Even Jeff said, 'It's raining so hard, I can't see.' But I dug deep and I used my ability to meditate while standing and that allowed me to see through the impenetrable rain. Something only Jedi masters can do.

''Then, I used my telepathic powers to guide the ball through a maze that was so difficult it had never been accomplished by anyone before. Even Jeff said so: 'This challenge is so difficult, no human being has ever accomplished it before!'

''When I finally won, Jeff tried to put the immunity necklace around my neck but due to me bench pressing 350 lb tree trunks earlier in the day my neck was too big for the necklace. That was another first. Even Jeff said as much, 'Wow, I've never seen a neck so big as a result of bench pressing 350 lb tree trunks that I can't get the necklace around. That's impressive.' ''

I'm so happy that I'm gonna be part of a Coach tall tale!



"RE: Please help Coach with his stories"
Posted by Brownroach on 05-01-09 at 03:39 PM
Do we give lime helmets outside of OT?


A tribe glows in Brooklyn