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Thread Number: 38573
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Original Message
"Let's entertain each other."
Posted by PepeLePew13 on 01-03-15 at 09:35 AM
Crack a joke.
Tell a story.
Vent about something.
Post a picture or video.
Say hello (especially if you haven't posted for a while).


The Benny Hill Version
I'm Sure My Petrol Cap Was On This Side
which side is the petrol cap on
When the Petrol cap keep flipping sides
Petrol cap keeps switching sides
Why the Petrol cap keep flipping sides

Table of contents
Messages in this discussion
"RE: Let's entertain each other."
Posted by jbug on 01-03-15 at 03:52 PM
That literally made me laugh out loud.



"RE: Let's entertain each other."
Posted by taffnic on 01-03-15 at 06:39 PM
That made me LOL.

I'll try. This has always made me laugh...

THIS IS BY FAR THE BEST EXPLANATION OF HELL THAT I HAVE EVER HEARD.


The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.


The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :


Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?


Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.


One student, however, wrote the following:


First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.



Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.


This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.


2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?


If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.



courtesy of Cap'n2patch

"RE: Let's entertain each other."
Posted by kingfish on 01-04-15 at 10:05 AM
The planet Pluto only lived to be a third of a year old.

They killed a baby!

"RE: Let's entertain each other."
Posted by dabo on 01-04-15 at 11:11 AM
LAST EDITED ON 01-04-15 AT 05:50 PM (EST)

What an auspicious way to start the year! Too funny.

Here's George Carlin taking the cake.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hHhYLJMi7CE

http://www.english-slang.com/eng/fun/George-Carlin

...

"You know where you can stick it!" — Perople say this one when their angry..."Oh yea — well you know where you can stick it!" Well what if you DON'T know — what if you're a NEW guy? I think there should be a government booklet entitled "WHERE TO STICK IT." Now that I think of it, there IS a government booklet like that...they send it to you on April 15th!
...

"Lock 'em up and throw away the key!" — People say this about prisoners all the time when they get caught. Well...wHERE YOU GONNA THROW THE KEY!!! Out in front of the jail? HIS FRIENDS'LL FIND IT!!! How far can you throw a key, really? Even if you scale it on its side, an extra 5 or 10 feet tops! This needs to be completely re-thought!
...

"Out walkin' the streets..." — Another one used with criminals. People say, "Sure they let this sonofogun go...now he's out WALKIN' THE STREETS!!!" How do we know? Maybe he's at home bangin' the babysitter! People who are released from jail aren't always out walkin' the streets — sometimes they steal a car! And then we can happily say, "Whew, thank G-d he stole a car...least he's not out walkin' the streets!"
...

"The Riot Act" — People always say they're gonna read that to you. I've never heard this thing at all! Parents especially use this one as a threat — "When your father comes home he's gonna read you THE RIOT ACT!" "Oh yeah? Tell him I already read it myself! And I didn't like it - I consider it wordy and poorly thought out! He wants to read me something? How 'bout the Gentlemen's Guide to the Golden Age of Oral Sex!!!"
...

"Takes the cake" — you hear that one alot to - "Boy that Fred...he really takes the cake!" Where? Where do you take a cake? You know where I would take it...down to the bakery, to see the other cakes! And why does he always take the CAKE....why not the pie? Pie is easy to carry — "easy as pie!" Wait a mintue...cake is also relatively easy to carry — "Piece O' cake!"
...

"Down the tubes!" People always say this one — "Boy this country is goin' down the tubes!" What tubes? You ever seen any tubes? And why is there always MORE THAN ONE TUBE? And where do they go? Seems to me — ONE country — ONE tube! And a tube that big....somebnody woulda seen it by now! They'd say, "Hey Joey! Look at dis freakin' tube!" Nobody ever says that — ya' know why? NO TUBES! We don't have tube one! We are essentially TUBELESS!
...

"The greatest thing since sliced bread!" — So this is it huh folks? THE FREAKIN' PYRAMIDS!!!! The GREAT WALL OF CHINA!!!! Even a LAVA LAMP!!!! What's so special about sliced bread — you gotta loaf, you gotta knife, SLICE THE FREAKIN' THING!!!!!!
...

"Walkin' papers" — they say this when someone gets fired. "Look at Davy — yeah, they give him his walkin' papers today!" I've been fired a lot of times — never got any of these so-called "walkin' papers!" Never even got a pink slip...you know what I would get? A guy would come over to my desk and say "GET THE HECK OUTTA HERE!!!!"
...

"Fine and Dandy" — This is an old fashioned one. Someone would say, "How are ya' Bill?" and Bill would say "Fine and dandy!" you know why I don't say this? Because I've never actually been both of those things at the same time! There are times when I'm fine...not quite dandy! Close to dandy...approaching dandy....in the vicinity of dandyhood! Other times, I AM highly dandy! But not quite fine. One time actually — one time — 1969, August, for about an hour — I was BOTH fine and dandy at the same time...BUT NOBODY ASKED ME HOW I WAS!!!!! And I could'a told 'em! I consider it a lost opportunity!
...

"It's the Quiet ones ya' gotta watch!" People say this about violent criminals — a guy gets arrested and they bring out his/her neighbor for an interview and they tell the newscaster that he/she was always very quiet...and someone in the crowd says, "Well....it's the QUIET ones ya' gotta watch!" This sounds like a very dangerous assumption to me! I'll bety you anthing, that while you're watching a quiet one....a noisy one will FREAKIN' KILL YOU!!!! Let's say you're in a bar and som guy is in a booth reading a book, quietly, and not bothering anyone...and another guy is bangin' a machette on the bar screaming, "I'll kill the next twirp that comes in here!!!!" WHO YA' GONNA WATCH????
...

"More than happy" — You hear this alot — "Oh, I'd be more than happy to do that for ya'!" How can you be "more than happy?" This sounds like a dangerous medical condition! — we had to put Dave away in the home today....he was...well....MORE THAN HAPPY!
...

"In your own words" — You hear this a lot in a classroom, or a courtroom — "Tell us, in your OWN words..." Do you have your OWN WORDS? Sheesh, I've been usin' the same ones everybody else has been using! Next time someone tells you to use your own words, shout "Nikk Beebo Flarney Quando Floooooo!"

"RE: Let's entertain each other."
Posted by Molaholic on 01-06-15 at 02:12 PM
Carlin was incredibly funny. And this snippet doesn't use any of his "seven words", either.

I was fortunate enough to see him in concert about six weeks before he died. A memory I'll treasure 'til the cows come home.

"RE: Let's entertain each other."
Posted by kingfish on 01-06-15 at 02:40 PM
LAST EDITED ON 01-06-15 AT 02:41 PM (EST)

"...'til the cows come home."

So when do the cows come home? And what is their address? I might want to mail them a package or something, so I want to know!

Anyway, I thought they pretty much lived at home, you know, "Home, home on the range". We sing about their home all the time, so they got to be there, right?

But if they're coming home, where did they go? Do they go on Vacation? Where would cows go on Vacation, anyway? Not Texas. Or Montana. They eat cows there. Might be a few adventure seeking cows that go to Texas, but since they aren’t all that fast or agile, probably not many go there. Probably not many return from Texas to their home on the range anyway, except, you know, as hamburger.

Hawaii? Most cruise ships and airlines have a definite "No cows" policy, (they seem to have a thing about indiscriminately dropped runny cow patties.) And they tend to eat the Leis. They’d probably get kicked out of Hawaii.

Carlin was very funny and inventive. And it’s fun to get in the “Carlin” vein for a moment. No one could do Carlin like Carlin, though.




Cap2 Patched me

"Rimshot"
Posted by suzzee on 01-05-15 at 04:37 PM
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

"RE: Rimshot"
Posted by Agman2 on 01-05-15 at 09:59 PM
Jbug and aGMAN jumped off a high-rise building at the same time. Who landed first? Jbug because agman had to stop to get directions on the way down.



"Stuck in a chimney..."
Posted by PepeLePew13 on 01-05-15 at 11:41 PM
http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2015/01/05/22164651.html

Naked ex-girlfriend trapped in chimney for two hours

It took firefighters two hours to free a naked woman who got stuck in a chimney at her ex-boyfriend's house.

Firefighters in Riverside County, Calif., answered the rescue call at 4:58 a.m. Saturday after the woman, 35, entered the chimney from the roof and got lodged in the flue on her way down, CBSLA reported.

Rescuers had to smash through the brick to free the woman, exposing her dangling, soot-covered legs.

Homeowner Tony Hernandez said he was awakened by her pleas for help and was unsuccessful freeing her using an extension cord, CBS5 reported.

The woman's name was not given. Hernandez told CBSLA that she is the mother of his children but they are not married and don't live together.

Hernandez said the woman is not allowed to have contact with the children.

"I don't like the way she's acting or what she's doing," he told CBS5. "That's not good for my kids."

KTLA5 reported that 23 firefighters responded to the call of a naked woman in a chimney.

The woman was taken to hospital with minor injuries.


So... if the call came in that it was a naked guy in the chimney, would 23 firefighters still have shown up?

"I'm with Stupid..."
Posted by suzzee on 01-06-15 at 11:00 AM
LAST EDITED ON 01-06-15 AT 11:01 AM (EST)

You can't fix stupid. You just have to see their pictures.

http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation-now/2015/01/02/daytona-beach-couple-locked-in-closet/21201309/

A Florida man and woman spent two days trapped in what they said they believed to be a locked closet -- until police let them out and discovered that the door was actually never locked.

John Arwood, 31, and Amber Campbell, 25, claimed they were chased into a janitor's closet at Daytona State College in Daytona Beach, Fla., by unidentified assailants on Sunday, according to the Daytona Beach Police Department's report.

The pair waited two days in the closet before calling 911.

Police officers found the couple in the Marine and Environmental Science Center on Dec. 30.

After they opened the door for the woman and man, a police officer checked if the door would lock on the inside.

An officer went into the closet, closed the door and found it had, in fact, been unlocked the whole time.

Police said they found in the closet human feces and a scouring pad, the latter of which is commonly used to smoke crack cocaine. No drugs were found.

Arwood and Campbell were charged with trespassing. Campbell was also charged with violating her probation.
John Arwood and Amber Campbell waited two days to inform

John Arwood and Amber Campbell waited two days to inform police they were locked in a janitor's closet at Daytona State College.(Photo: Daytona Mugshots)

Arwoood's criminal record includes armed burglary and theft of firearms.


Corrupting teenage boys since, well,
none of your business how long...


"RE: Let's entertain each other."
Posted by Molaholic on 01-06-15 at 02:09 PM
Stealing this from a comment on GoComics.com the other day:

Once there were two farmers. One had a daughter and the other had a son. When their kids were teenagers they started dating, and the two farners encouraged it. One day the girl’s father went over to the boy’s farmer’s house and said that he didn’t want their children dating anymore. The boy’s father asked, “Why not?”

The other farmer said, “Come here and I’ll show you.” In his yard was the girl’s name written in yellow snow.

The boy’s father said, “Oh, come on, that’s just boy stuff.”

The other farmer said, “You think I don't know my own daughter’s handwriting?”

"The poopy truth. "
Posted by kingfish on 01-07-15 at 04:17 PM
LAST EDITED ON 01-07-15 AT 06:52 PM (EST)

We’re all poop heads.

Cosmic.

It’s been said that every atom that makes up our bodies as well as everything else in the universe is the stuff of stars.

Actually it’s just poop.

And because every atom in normal space is 99.9999... (plus a bunch more 9s) % empty space, then to be accurate, we are empty poopy space.

So whenever someone cuts one in an elevator, just know that it’s just poopy star dust, and breathe deep.


ScientistFish

"RE: The poopy truth. "
Posted by Molaholic on 01-07-15 at 08:52 PM
So whenever someone cuts one in an elevator, just know that it’s just poopy star dust, and breathe deep.

So the new It's a Wonderful Life line is:
"Kingfish says, 'Everytime a poot is made, an angel gets his wings!'"

"RE: The poopy truth. "
Posted by kingfish on 01-07-15 at 11:00 PM
LAST EDITED ON 01-08-15 AT 00:26 AM (EST)

That Sciencefish guy is wise indeed. Very wise.



Cap2 Patched me

"RE: The poopy truth. "
Posted by personofinterest on 01-08-15 at 12:06 PM
OK. That made me laugh out loud. My co-workers probably think I am nuts.
"RE: The poopy truth. "
Posted by suzzee on 01-12-15 at 03:44 PM
Welcome to the club.


I should be watched....closely.

"RE: The poopy truth. "
Posted by Agman2 on 01-15-15 at 11:59 AM
Not quite, the secret password and handshake have yet to be provided!


"RE: Let's entertain each other."
Posted by kidflash212 on 01-08-15 at 01:09 PM
How 'bout we all get bouffants and sing gospel?


"RE: Let's entertain each other."
Posted by personofinterest on 01-08-15 at 01:23 PM
I'm pretty sure that I had those glasses back in the day.
"RE: Let's entertain each other."
Posted by Agman2 on 01-12-15 at 04:19 PM
what about that hairdo?



"RE: Let's entertain each other."
Posted by kingfish on 01-12-15 at 05:55 PM
THe girl on the right looks like my aunt Ethel.
"RE: Let's entertain each other."
Posted by personofinterest on 01-12-15 at 06:59 PM
Guppy, is that you? It's me, Auntie E.

Not really. My hair is big and out of control. That hair is just a tad too in control.

"RE: Let's entertain each other."
Posted by kingfish on 01-13-15 at 10:05 AM
Auntie!

Did we bury you too soon?

Those hairdos could be used a batting helmets.

"RE: Let's entertain each other."
Posted by Agman2 on 01-14-15 at 11:22 AM
THe girl on the right looks
like my aunt Ethel.

I was thinking she looked like my second grade teacher!


"RE: Let's entertain each other."
Posted by suzzee on 01-12-15 at 03:42 PM
That hair would withstand a F3 tornado.


I should be watched....closely.

"RE: Let's entertain each other."
Posted by Agman2 on 01-13-15 at 02:04 PM

It'd probably handle a hurricane too!


Alarmingly masterful tribal creation

"Yah"
Posted by foonermints on 01-14-15 at 00:14 AM
But it would never handle ME.

Tribemints© by Tribey

I know how to muss up women's hair..
..I have cookies..

"RE: Yah"
Posted by Agman2 on 01-14-15 at 11:19 AM
I doubt anybody could handle you!


with the possible exception of Gorn!

"RE: Yah"
Posted by Dakota on 02-22-15 at 04:00 AM
Women like cookies. Just sayin'
"RE: Let's entertain each other."
Posted by dabo on 01-14-15 at 00:47 AM
http://nymag.com/thecut/2015/01/goddess-amal-clooney-too-good-for-the-globes.html

Amal expertly dodged the mani cam (and wedding ring blather) by wearing white gloves.

Amal arranged her face to appear to be listening very hard and not at all embarrassed.

Amal can describe that Dior gown in Arabic.


"I smell a Lifetime movie!"
Posted by Estee on 01-14-15 at 11:34 AM
The Amazing Totally True Romantic Misadventures Of The NASCAR Assassin Ex-Girlfriend

http://espn.go.com/racing/nascar/cup/story/_/id/12161197/kurt-busch-says-ex-girlfriend-patricia-driscoll-was-trained-assassin

Y'know, I realize a lot of guys like to claim their exes were professional killers, but this one? Has detail...

The cumulative effects of excessive left turns on the male brain?

"RE: I smell a Lifetime movie!"
Posted by kingfish on 01-14-15 at 01:22 PM

Can't wait to see the movie.




Cap2 Patched me

"RE: Let's entertain each other."
Posted by blacknwhitedog on 01-22-15 at 06:43 PM
Why hello there

"Beautiful Bird!"
Posted by foonermints on 01-22-15 at 11:19 PM
A Kingfisher Peck-n-Poop?



Hammering a Moonshine Tree?

"RE: Beautiful Bird!"
Posted by kingfish on 01-23-15 at 11:19 AM
It's probably not wise to walk beneath a woodpecker with that look in his eye.
"Let's go to KFC"
Posted by kidflash212 on 01-27-15 at 02:30 PM
Or at least Spot can (it's only available in the Philippines. A hot dog, with cheese sauce and a chicken bun.

I wonder what KFC has against the Philippines?

"RE: Let's entertain each other."
Posted by Agman2 on 01-27-15 at 03:01 PM

"Fun with names..."
Posted by PepeLePew13 on 02-19-15 at 08:57 PM
Two days ago, I went to the mobile phone outlet to get a new Blackberry connected on our plan. After getting the plan set up, was told I'd need to go and get some other small business taken care of before the phone would be fully activated. The lady gave her name on a business card as Cassie so I'd know who to ask for when I returned.

Couple of hours later, I called in to make sure she'd be in since she had all of my paperwork. Here's how it unfolded:


Me: Is Cassie in?

Rep: There's nobody here by the name of Cassie.

Me: Um, she gave me a business card and wrote her name down on it, and I was just there a couple of hours ago.

Rep: Sorry, you must have the wrong store.

Me: Is this the Boardwalk location that I'm speaking with?

Rep: Yes.

(About ten minutes of haggling going on and the guy saying he doesn't see any paperwork with my name on it...)

Rep: All I can say is that maybe you should come back later on. There's only myself, XXXX (another male rep) and Cassandra who works here.

Me: ... Seriously? What name do you think would be a shortened version for Cassandra?


More fun:

Yesterday, I got a reply from the E.D. of a museum department in response to an inquiry I made earlier, and he goes by the name Wily E. Xxxxx.

I was very tempted to reply back with a "Meep Meep!"

Yeah. I'm easily amused.

"RE: Fun with names..."
Posted by Agman2 on 02-20-15 at 10:33 AM
lol, that almost sounds like something out of Seinfeld. What did the salesman say when you informed him that Cassie is short for Cassandra?
"RE: Fun with names..."
Posted by PepeLePew13 on 02-20-15 at 12:55 PM
Something along the lines of "Well, it sounded like you were referring to someone else."

I ended up going to a different location as the stupidity was dripping down the walls. The lady at the other location was very efficient and she also had a laugh over the whole name thing, said she knew who I was talking about.

"RE: Fun with names..."
Posted by kingfish on 02-20-15 at 01:00 PM
LAST EDITED ON 02-20-15 AT 03:28 PM (EST)

Oops!

"RE: Let's entertain each other."
Posted by Dakota on 02-22-15 at 03:58 AM
Hello

I brought snacks

"RE: Let's entertain each other."
Posted by kingfish on 02-22-15 at 11:33 AM
Hey D.

That stuff looks pretty good.

"RE: Let's entertain each other."
Posted by Agman2 on 02-22-15 at 12:34 PM
I'll have some please! Good to see you.
"RE: Let's entertain each other."
Posted by Dakota on 02-22-15 at 03:17 PM
Jimmy Buffet says it's National Margarita Day. Specials at Margaritaville locations all week.

Good to see some familiar faces here. Thank you Pepe for giving us a thread about nothing.

"RE: Let's entertain each other."
Posted by PepeLePew13 on 02-22-15 at 05:03 PM
I aim to please. It's nice to have some life in this forum.

And thankee for the margaritas:

"RE: Let's entertain each other."
Posted by Agman2 on 02-23-15 at 11:59 AM
Or my favorite........



"The weather..."
Posted by PepeLePew13 on 02-22-15 at 05:10 PM
I hope everyone else is surviving the unreal weather out there. Even by our standards, it's been an unusually nasty month - we've already had two snow days and an extreme windchill day with school cancelled, and a forecast for another cancellation tomorrow for the windchill (which never happens up here). The early forecast for overnight is about -40.

It's gotten so bad that I think the French Open tennis tournament is being changed from clay to ...