As several circlemates have pets and you're looking for reasons not to do this, I can throw these bits in.

(Note: this post was effectively written by five people. Five people who seem to have been saving this up for a while.)

Having a dog is like being tied to an alarm clock with no OFF button. All you can do is hit snooze. Over and over. For the dog's full lifespan.

Even after housebreaking (or pad training, if you live in an area where walks are unrealistic), the fact remains: the dog will need to use the outdoor facilities at least twice a day and more likely three times. Some breeds may go more often. A cat can be left alone for a few days with adequate food and water: a dog can't. You cannot make trips without scheduling them around the dog's needs, or at least you can't if you don't want to be scrubbing urine out of the carpet for a few hours. Will the dog use the emergency pad? Will it wait by the door for you and then go right there? Well, you could always use a kennel. How much do kennels cost in your area? Do the dogs get to interact? Are they checked for personality problems and transmissible diseases first?

Do you have an enclosed backyard? Then install a pet door and you'll have no trouble. Or rather, you'll have no trouble other than the sudden increase to both your heating and cooling bills because making the things airtight-until-used is a lost cause. And the fact that your backyard is now a minefield which has to be defused regularly if it's going to be used for anything other than a dump depository. By the way, have you ever considered what insects live in your backyard? Because the dog is going to let them in. Most of them will be riding on the skin. By the way, how's the robbery rate in your area? Because now? You have a dog door, and humans can crawl.

Let's get back to insect life. The dog is going to interact with the outside world. A good portion of said world carries ticks and fleas. Meeting other dogs? Possibly getting their ticks and fleas. The parts of the grass where the parasites hide will inevitably be the sections where the dog most wants to go and will in fact actively drag you towards. Ever flea-bomb your home? Because fleas only spend a portion of their time on the dog: the rest of it is used for breeding in your carpets and munching on you. All you need to do is miss one and the cycle continues. And of course, you've spread poison across every surface in the house. No way that could ever go wrong. And that's before we get to ticks. How many diseases are they carrying? How many would you like? Spring, summer, and fall, you are inspecting your dog after each outdoor excursion: all the fur, inside the eyes, on the belly, and guess how much time this takes or how effective it is because fleas and ticks can move. (In winter, you are washing snow off their legs and bodies. And rock salt, which is not kind to leave on the pads.) Of course, you can always use the chemical treatments on your dog, but they don't necessarily kill the intruders: some just keep them from latching on, and they then drop off in the house. And if you wind up with a light-skinned dog, be aware they tend to absorb more of the chemicals -- to the point where some of them die from the poison.

Is it snowing heavily? Time to walk the dog. Is it a hundred and twenty degrees outside? Time to walk the dog. Did an ark just sail by chased by lightning, tornadoes, and a flanking hurricane? Doesn't matter: time to walk the dog. Are you so sick that one more exposure to outside weather will take you out? Guess who else needs to go out? The dog.

Oh, and there's the art and science of picking up the results. You will get this wrong a few times. You will learn to appreciate the ratio of bowel movement size to body mass. You will memorize the location of every biddy in your area. All of them will be dialing the police as soon as you begin strolling by. What have you been feeding the dog? It affect the consistency (rock to liquid), texture, and smell. Especially the consistency. Yes, clean all the brown muck off the grass -- by hand -- or face a $500 fine. Who's giving you the fine? The police. They were just called, remember?

Incidentally, ever seen a lawn which a dog uses regularly? There's something called 'urine burn'. You will have it memorized.

Got a male? He will reach the point in his life where he wants to tackle any female he sees. If there are no females, he may consider substitutes. The standards: if it is there and not resisting to the point of gunfire, it is a substitute. Got a female? Then you're fine except for the two times or so per year where every male in the area is trying to tackle her -- and you, because you're carrying her scent. Oh, and then there's the one thing no one in the pet shop ever bothers to mention: a female dog is a mammal and therefore has a period. Except she doesn't use sanitary napkins or tampons, so until you get used to your dog's cycle, your first indication of trouble time will be the bloodstains all over your floor, carpet, sheets, the laundry pile where she likes to sleep. Of course, little shorts with pad attachment areas are available. And if only your dog wasn't trying to clean the area with her tongue, you'd be okay. You will have no problems finding the shorts. You will find them all over the house. It's amazing how something with no hands can be so dextrous, isn't it?

Of course, you could always have the dog spayed or neutered. Gosh, wouldn't it have made your parents' lives easier if they could have snipped your sex drive into oblivion at the first sign of interest. Time to consult your health insurance -- gee, it doesn't cover pets. In fact, no health insurance covers pets and vet insurance, while out there, is scare, expensive, and about as effective as the human counterpart: not. So you will be paying for the surgery, and the shots, and the emergency visit after your dog eats that foul garbage which was lurking in the grass because your dog will eat any piece of foul stinking garbage it finds, will smuggle it onto the house and hide it for later, might just give it to you as a gift. Didn't you always want a dead pigeon? Well, now you have three.

And who is the dog gifting? Because in any household of more than one human, the dog is probably going to pick an alpha. The dog is not trying to make the others jealous: it will simply have a person whom it designates as head of the pack and will spend a lot of time with that party. Some dogs attach to the point where they weld onto the hip. How does the rest of the family feel about that?

What's the dog's energy level? Does it love to play and keep up with the kids? If so, does it ever stop? Is the dog capable of understanding that you're tired and don't want to play right now? It is? Then you have the one in a million: congrats! The other 999,999 are going to keep insisting you drop whatever you're doing. Can the dog keep itself entertained when you're all out of the house? Does that idea of entertainment include not clawing the furniture and rebounding around the house like a pinball with a death grudge? Is the dog low-key and laid back? Will the kids understand that and let the poor thing sleep? How about dogs who like to play around three in the morning? Did you buy a squeaky toy? Well, now it's squeaking. By the way, if you have a female and she's in her cycle, those toys can become her babies. Go ahead, take the toy. Try it.

How protective is your dog? It will try to alert you to outside events. Someone at the door? Intruder! Someone in the driveway? Sidewalk outside? Other dogs in scent range? Bird flying overhead? TV was turned on and strange two-dimensional figures are threatening to break in? Intruders! Bark! Bark until the danger is removed! No matter what the hour, no matter what caused the noise, no matter that the branch knocking against the window due to wind means you no harm. Bark as if everyone's lives depend on it! And do not stop, because you are doing nothing wrong! Do not understand being chided for it, because you did nothing wrong and must do it again the next time! And there will be a next time... in about ten seconds.

How does the dog feel about other people and canines? Does it consider the entire planet to be a friend, jumping up on legs to be petted? Not everyone you meet will be fond of this. Is only the immediate family part of the pack with everyone else an intruder to be growled at and snapped away? This won't go over well either. Does your dog fight back when aggressive dogs go after it or just stand there and stare in confusion? Will it chase cats? Rabbits? Squirrels? Leaves? Blowing plastic bags? Cars, trucks, motorcycles? Shadows from passing airplanes?

Did you get a breed which sheds? It will. You will accumulate five pounds of annual fur for each pound of dog. You will wear out lint brushes as if they were tires and your body was a NASCAR track. Did you get a no-shed breed? Toss six hundred dollars or more in annual grooming feeds into your budget. Or you could just learn to groom the dog yourself, as you'll be washing it every week or so anyway. Good luck with that. By the way, were you going to need that bathroom again any time soon? Say, the next week?

Harness or collar? Well, this one's easy, at least: you want the harness because collars can cause neck and spine injuries. Now let's accessorize. Some dogs take weather conditions better than others. And some need jackets. Sweaters. Raincoats. All of which are ludicrously ineffective because they cover the front legs and rib cage plus the back up to the tail, leaving everything else exposed. Booties? Total lack of traction can only help. Does your dog like to be dressed up? Can you find the sweater? Hint: somewhere near the shorts.

Where does the dog sleep? The dog bed? Wrong. The dog will sleep where the dog decides it wants to sleep, and it will scratch at the door and cry until it gets to its self-assigned place. (Which it may also do at the sight of any closed door if it wants to be on the other side. Say, the bathroom.) Perhaps the dog wishes to be with you at night. Right in the middle of the bed. Between you and your spouse. Well, there went the sex life, because either you learn to work with a spectator (who may take the activity as a threat to you which must be stopped) or deal with the scratching at the door. And whining. Oh, so much whining.

Did you get a purebred? Have you just been set back a few thousand dollars for the guarantee of hip problems down the road along with keeping a puppy mill in business? How about a shelter dog? Say, why was that dog brought in originally? Because some were homeless and others were abandoned and a few were just found, but there's always that one who got here because it destroyed everything it touched and now? It is licking your face and you can't see the 'By the way, where do you keep your breakables?' tail going.

I could go on, but I'm getting tired of transcribing it.

And this? Is from people who either have dogs or have extensively dated those who do. And claim to love them. Both the SOs and the dogs.

Mostly.

That's a pretty comprehensive list of things to think about.

But, get a female Lab, get it spayed, don't live in an overly pet regulated area and 3/4 of those problems go away. A still formidable list remains, but the situation will be a bit more manageable, at least. And no matter how cute a little tiny dog breed is, especially as a puppy, it will inevitably grow into a needle toothed Yap Yap (and your snooze-buttonless alarm) and it will need constant attention or it will eat your slippers in revenge.

Do a little research on flea and tick control. That is not an area you want to ignore. For dogs or cats. Or Opossums. Or relatives.

Recommendation: Try very hard to resist getting a Yap Yap. They do fit the apartment lifestyle, but unless you live in an apartment or a condo, and just can't house a larger dog, they are (IMO) a bad choice. I'd get a cat in those circumstances.

Y'do realize you've crossed the line from Labrador endorsement to Labrador pimping, right?

Here, have this ridiculously wide-brimmed hat with a giant feather in it. You're going to need it.

Cool. Fish-Pimp! Think PETA will let me wear the feather?

I think you helped me discover my inner-self.

And I guess you could tell I've had Labs, and have been the fun-uncle to others. And still grieve over the loss of one sweet bravehearted chocolate Lab in particular. Old age, but still...

I might be more likely to pimp a Golden Retriever comparing the Labdini that lived next door.

So far the Golden is a lot calmer. Seems to understand I own my yard and if I'm OK with someone there she's OK with someone there. So much nicer to get a repair to the house when the dog isn't barking like mad.

Thanks for the reminder (and glad to hear your doggie-next -door situation is better).

One additional rule:
- Stay away from Snidget's Labdini. Basically, stay away from any dog with a nickname that includes any part of Houdini's name. Not the best of signs.

- (yeah, I know, I can't count) Stay away from any dog breed that's a cutsey mix of two other breeds. Esp. anything with "-a-doddle" in it. I don't know exactly why, but it just seems very wrong.

If you are not on board and the responsibilities are going to fall on iffy shoulders, DO NOT GET A PUPPY. OMG, do not get a puppy.

Let me ask you one simple question. A puppy needs to go out their age in months plus 1 in hours. Puppy is three months old? It needs to go out a minimum of every four hours. That means that someone has to get up in the middle of the night, EVERY NIGHT. Rain, sleet snow, whatever. When Thea was little, she had to go out every three hours. That meant twice in the middle of the night. And how are you going to feel when the puppy decides to start barking and wakes a 'finally sleeping' infant? The amount of noise Thea made for the first three months at night was almost unbearable.

She is an absolutely wonderful companion now, but she was our entire focus (no dogs and no children) for the first four months we had her. You've got a whole brood to contend with and I don't think you have the time nor the desire to train a dog to make it a good addition to the family. You'll end up resenting the dog (and possibly your family for convincing you to get one in the first place) and it will end up back where it came from.

Can you start with something small, like a guinea pig or hampster so you can see how they would be with taking care of a pet?

Good luck!

LAST EDITED ON 04-30-13 AT 01:54 PM (EST)

LAST EDITED ON 04-30-13 AT 01:53 PM (EST)

As someone with 4 kids and a new dog adopted 6 months ago I say go for it.

However please think about rescuing a dog. You save that dog and another who will take it's place. Think less about sex of dog and focus on temperament and maintenance (grooming and food).

We were set on a female dog since our last 2 were but fell in love with our boy because of the way he interacted with all of our kids, especially the 2 year old. He was 8 months old when we got him, the rescue place had neutered him already and vetted him. He was fully housebroken and luckily not much of a chewer. He did get my 6 year old's Ugg boot though but she learned to put her stuff away!

Our last 2 were Border Collie's and fantastic. They required a lot of trips to the groomer. Current dog is a lab/husky mix and just needs an occasional brushing which my girls love to give him. He follows all of them around and loves them. They all take turns putting his water and food down so he knows they all are "above" him in the pecking order.

Downside is that vacations require finding someone to care for him. We have a fenced in yard so yes our lawn is burned. You can train them to go inevents . one spot in the yard. It has raised all of my kids awareness of shelter dogs and we are thinking of fostering dogs soon. You keep the dog and take it to adoption events and are then able to give prospective families info on how the dog behaves with kids and other animals. Try to find a rescue group that does this so you will know more about the dog before bringing him home!

The rescue group we used rescues dogs from down south where there are so many dogs waiting in high kill shelters. They are all highly adoptable, meaning healthy, even temperament dogs who just need a home to love them!

Who will pick up the poop? I have witnessed some serious arguments over this very thing.

The poop. No laughing matter.

Agreed, one corner of our yard is a minefield. Walk there at your own risk.

sounds like my yard!

I'm with you. Don't. Go visit people with dogs. Get a gold fish.

>Issued by "Q" and RollDdice

I knew you were one of those gold standard throwbacks!

not on the puppy battle issue;
on the baby!

Stick to your guns! Too many people get puppies that they find too much to handle then take them to the animal shelters where they are not sheltered; they are destroyed. (~~gets off soapbox~~)

Suggestion (I haven't read the others yet):
Find a shelter that needs someone to foster a dog - I suggest an adult - not a puppy. The workers at the shelter will know if the dog gets along well with others and with kids.
By fostering, you can find out just how much work a dog is; and if the kids and dad get tired of it real quick.
If it doesn't work out, you end your foster time.
If it turns out great? you adopt it yourself.

Agman brightens my life May 2012