URGENT – BREAKING PAIR-OF-DICE HOTEL NEWS! I was going to start a thread about the future of P-HO guests - what they would do after the show, but I got some INSIDE INFO from a crew member. URGENT PARODY HOTEL NEWS!
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A torn and battered envelope arrived on my doorstep late last night. (My clarifications and obfuscations are in parentheses.)

Hello (my name withheld),

It’s been a long time since we worked together at ABC in the living h3ll called WTB. (Who’s The Boss). You would think that would be enough torment for a lifetime, but I have become an “adventure junkie” and have been working as a cameraman for network news correspondents in the worst situations imaginable – filing reports everywhere from bug infested jungles to the smoking wreckage of Kuwait.

After years of hardship and too many close calls to count, I recently decided to lead the “easy life” of a normal freelance cameraman.

Unfortunately, I have drawn a show called “Paradise Hotel” that makes battlefield war reporting while pinned down by enemy sniper fire look like a nursery school picnic.

I have been here for the past four months, between setup and taping. Today, Paradise Hotel producers held a production meeting to announce that FOX has been so happy with the show’s ratings that they want us to extend the show until December. In addition to the usual coverage, the “guests” and “visitors” have been asked to perform in a Christmas Special.

Fox flew in a high-priced writer from L.A., and set him up in a bungalow. He was supposed to write a scenario that would explain everyone coming back AND write an outline for the Holiday Special. Instead he found some of the local “working girls” and a case of cheap tequila. No one has been able to drag him out of his room, much less sober him up.

The Paradise Hotel cast was a different story. Although the first reaction was shock and anger, most of the cast members have come around. The words “bonus money” really helped turn the tide. Then the producers mentioned that anyone who comes up with any ideas or even breaks wind near someone with an idea will get even more money and receive WGA credit as a “writer”. It looks like everyone will come back to Mexico after they finish their press tours. This is too much, even for me!

At the moment, Dave, Charla and Tara are holed up in one of the rooms. It seems like they’re writing at all hours and the pressure is getting to them. I’ve managed to sneak out some early notes and a rough draft of the script.

Please tell the outside world what’s really going on. I will try to smuggle more out if I can.

(TO BE CONTINUED)

Your Official Croupier at the Pair-Of-Dice Hotel

• RE: URGENT – BREAKING PAIR-OF-DICE HOTEL NEWS! I was going to start a thread about the future of P-HO guests - what they would do after the show, but I got some INSIDE INFO from a crew member. URGENT PARODY HOTEL NEWS!,RollDdice, 07:30 PM, 10-01-03
  • Great Parody, Not-Great Timing,Angelfood, 07:27 PM, 10-03-03
    • Thanks - "tell a friend",RollDdice, 09:06 PM, 10-03-03
      • maybe would have more success in OT,CantStandToLook, 00:17 AM, 10-06-03
        • RE: maybe would have more success in OT,Dakota, 10:01 AM, 10-06-03
  • LOL,jkokoj, 10:15 AM, 10-06-03
    • RE: LOL,Lahela, 12:10 PM, 10-07-03

LAST EDITED ON 10-01-03 AT 07:34 PM (EST)

(CONTINUED)

A PARADISE HOTEL CHRISTMAS CAROL

Starring:

Amanda Byrum as NARRATOR
Toni as MISTRESS EPHEDRA-NEEDER SCROOGE
Dave as BOB CRATCHIT
Charla as MRS. CRATCHIT
Tara as TINY TARA
Keith as Tiny Tara’s physical therapist, SLY STALLION
Matt as BOB MARLEY
Beau as the GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST
Holly as the WHINING WIND
Scott as the GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT
Andon as the GHOST OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE

Amanda, Kavita, Desiree and the rest as . . . ANGRY TOWNSPEOPLE

And featuring Zack and Amy as . . . THEMSELVES

WE OPEN IN THE OFFICES OF “SCROOGE SEXUAL DEVICES” AS MISTRESS SCROOGE CALLS FOR HER EMPLOYEE CRATCHIT.

Toni: Crotch Rocket!!
Dave: It’s Cratchit, Mistress Scrooge.
Toni: Excuse me? Excuuuuse me! What’s your problem?
Dave: Nothing Mistress Scrooge.
Toni: You’re going to be working late tonight. We have that order of “neck massagers” to get out to Miami. (sighs) Our stainless steel model with the ball bearings really makes my eyes bug out.
Dave: But Mistress Scrooge, it’s Christmas Eve!
Toni: Stuff it, Crotch Rot. Back to work.

MEANWHILE, IN THE BUTTERFLY ROOM (WITH APOLOGIES TO O. HENRY’S STORY “THE GIFT OF THE MAGII”).

Zack: Amy my puppet, I bought you a present.
AMY OPENS THE KMART BOX.
Amy: It’s a pretty little necklace. (PULLS OUT A JEWELER’S LOOP AND LOOKS AT THE NECKLACE WHILE MUTTERING TO HERSELF) Uhm, maybe $24.95 on a good day.
Zack: What was that?
Amy: Nothing my love. I “heart” you.
Zack: The best thing is that I can pull it right off your beefy neck if I get mad at you.
Amy: But, Zack. (CRYING) What irony. What a cruel twist.
Zack: Quit blubbering. What are talking about?
Amy: In order to afford your present, I had to sell my backbone and spinal column.
Zack: Oh, cool. What’d you get me?
Amy: Isn’t it beautiful? It’s a doormat with my picture on it.
Zack (TRYING IT OUT) Hey, look at that. I can wipe my feet on your face.

{THE SCRIPT ENDS THERE. NOTE: More to follow if I receive another smuggled package from Pair-Of-Dice Hotel.}

Hope everyone enjoys the FINALE.

Your Official Croupier at the Pair-Of-Dice Hotel

This Gem of a parody was lost in the scheduling. Its timing was as bad as the premier of "the family" reality show (being posted during the PHo finale) in terms of not being noticed.

But now that things have calmed down, its a good read for a much-needed laugh. Thanks!

Just my twisted mind working again.

I guess that's what happens when you mix Red Bull and black tar heroin.

Flying My Pair-Of-Dice Hotel Flag at Half-Mast

Rolld

Since the show has ended and people may come to this board less, you might want to post this in the Off Topic forum. I bet it would be a hit there.

A 2003 RolldDice Original

ROFL!! Love the "Magi" parody! I "heart" ROLLD!

Very good RollDice!!

LMAO! Very funny indeed!