As The Tables Turn

Last time on Mad Mad House…

 Don & his posse of low-rent vampires drained Noel.
 Don drank human blood
 Fiona got the giggles (but, ya know, respectfully)
 Everyone got nekked but the Goodie-Goodie
 The big Fake Elimination twist (yawn)

As the show begins our little band of five remaining misfits are laying around bitching and moaning. Noel says he doesn’t want his fake elimination ceremony to “make things all weird around here.” Hello? Look around you, Noel. This is the Mad Mad House. Wierd is normal here.

The Alts file in to raise the bar of stupidity even higher. Or is that lower? See if the Stupidity Bar is really low they can all trip over it. But if the Stupidity Bar is set high then they can whack their heads. I can’t decide which would be more fun to see. Prolly head-whacking.

Loana goes all self-righteous and tells the Alts she doesn’t trust them anymore. *sob* *sob* (As if she ever did!) Then while she has everyone’s attention she takes a careful little pre-meditated swipe at Nichole: “You’re buying Nichole and she’s gonna win” even though she’s just a big fat fake. Fiona points out that she, Fiona, is an all-knowing witch and nothing gets by her finely tuned observation skills. There is a short pause at this point to allow the home viewers time for derisive laughter.

Jamie gets all tearful, gobs of mascara streaming down her face (again) “It’s not fair! I didn’t know what to do! I wanted to put the necklace on myself. I felt blindsided!

“That was the whole point” you stupid bitch Nichole mutters to herself as she gets up and walks out. When conversation gets too stupid for even Miss Superficiality we are all in trouble.

Shopping Therapy

Okay—enough of that. Let’s jump to the next morning. Don wakes the guests up one-by-one and tells them to get ready for a shopping trip! The Vampire Challenge is coming up and he wants everyone to look really nice for it. So he is going to buy them all hot new clothes!

Miss Superficiality is all thrilled. “I love to shop!” she exclaims.

Eric narrates most of the shopping trip with Smurf Hair. That is—somehow he gets all his thick, curly hair to form a standing wave on top of his head, looking just like Papa Smurf. Everyone throws on clothes (even Avocado) and they all pile into 2 big black SUVs for the ride into town.

The first store they shop at is named “LUSH”. As they climb out of the SUVs we get to see what each idiot has chosen to wear for the family outing.

Jamie is wearing a boobs-on-view top, as she usually does, along with too much guaranteed-to-run Tammy Faye eye make-up. She is the only person I know whose eyes look smaller and more piggish after she has applied eye make-up!

Eric and Noel look totally non-descript. Eric wears his baseball cap backwards, with the plastic adjustment strap cutting into his forehead. Didn’t that look finally die in the early 90s? Or is it back again & no one told me? Whatever. He looks stupid.

Art is wearing what Art has worn every single freakin’ day, in every single freakin’ episode of this show, unless he is sunbathing naked. His black ‘Church of Steel’ tank top and a manly skirt. (I have no doubt that Primatives always go commando. Just sayin’)

Fiona is wearing a black Monica Lewinsky beret, with a handbag designed by Monica Lewinsky slung over one shoulder and a long skirt. Don is dishy in an Edwardian GQ Vampire suit. Avocado is wearing something too—I can’t remember what and there is no way in hell I am going to watch that tape again just so I can describe the clothes of a nudist. Forget it. Let us just say that on this shopping trip, the blind are leading the blind. Pity the poor shopkeepers!

Since he is most needy, Noel is their first make-over victim. For some reason they dress him in a pretty blue camisole (yes, a frilly girly camisole) and his own green plaid boxers.

“I feel like Pretty Woman,” Eric says as he walks out of the store onto the street in this ridiculous outfit. Then realizing the fashion faux-pas of his plaid boxers he stops in the middle of the sidewalk and drops trou. There are no matching bikini panties with this camisole. No sirree! There is just Noel, hangin’ free in the breeze. As they all laugh, Noel hikes his camisole waist high and runs around shrieking “find me a cab” or something—I couldn’t quite make it out. Perhaps he was re-enacting a scene from Pretty Woman, but I don’t remember Julia Roberts running around nekkie like that. Then again I only paid attention when Richard Gere was on screen.

Don speaks to the camera: "Noel is the one person who actually did have the nuts to do that. Heh-heh." From this, I surmise that Noel is well-endowed in a nutty way. Well--at least more so than Don...

Avocado grabs Noel and hustles him back into the store before the cops arrive. Inside ta’Shia helps him pick out an outfit that actually looks quite nice on him. Well-except for the fugly knit cap which is traditionally worn by people who want to be voted out first on Survivor.

Next they go into a store called ‘Lisa Angel’ where three—count ‘em—three clerks try to help Art. He is beyond help.

Nichole tries on several nice outfits. She will only try on stuff if the designer is from either L.A. or NYC. Malibu girls have standards ya know! While Nic is trying on a red tank with a short black skirt, the camera cuts away to fake witch Fiona who says “Nichole is not fake but she is very concerned with appearances and surface things, and that is not what we are looking for in the winner.”

Meanwhile, on-camera, a perfectly plucked and painted Fiona is shown roughly pushing Nichole away from the mirror so she can admire her own lovely outfit on the silver surfaced mirror. Pot/kettle/black, but as usual the irony totally escapes Fiona.

Jamie gets a black dress cleaved open all the way to her navel. The others are not shown shopping because—quite frankly—they’re the boring ones.

Commercial Break

It is time for Bob, he of the natural male enhancement brigade. Bob has such a happy, scary smile! And really really big, uhh—feet. I think if they remake Mad Mad House Bob should be one of the Alts. I’m not sure how the producers would handle his 4 hour erections in a tasteful way, but male enhancement seems to be an up-and-coming alternative life style and deserves to be explored by quality shows such as this one.

Don’s Vampire Trial

As the houseguests march in for Don’s Vampire Trial, the women all looking hot in black and silver and the two guys looking, well—dressed, the camera cuts away to Eric speculating like crazy on what might happen next.

“I am expecting cow eyeballs and dog balls. Not looking forward to it at all.” Okay, I am not an expert on vampires, but I think cow eyeballs and dog balls are some of the few things vampires do NOT suck on! They like more blood engorged body parts.

Back to the Grand March… Don is wearing a lovely blood-red brocade frock coat, with a ruffled lace shirt. His lipstick is also reader than usual. Or is it lipstick?

“Oh sh__t!” says Noel. “Look at that!”

Inside, the dining table is covered with a blood-red table cloth, a bunch of candles, and five sets of 5 wine glasses full of blood.

“Welcome to my trial. MWAHAHAHAHA!!!” Don gets so over-the-top when the scent of blood is in the air.

He explains the usual immunity crap. Whoever wins is immune from eviction, gets to listen to the Alts incredible deep and meaningful discussions during the Deliberation Ceremony, and casts the tie-breaking vote if needed. Since Nichole won immunity last time but it was a fake elimination, she gets to be immune again.

“Drinking blood,” Don tells the houseguests who couldn’t care less what he thinks and just want to get the stupid trial over with so they can watch the Mayberry R.F.D. reruns on Nickelodeon in their jammies, “drinking blood allows me to ingest the life form energy of a person directly and attain a state of higher consciousness.”

Whatever.

“Tonight you will be drinking blood! MWAHAHAHAHA!” (Okay, I am going to leave out the rest of the ‘mwaha’s because typing them bugs me. Trust me. There were lots of ‘mwaha’s.)

The way the Blood Drinking Game works is this: Everyone has been given 4 cards with the names of the four who are trying for immunity—Eric, Jamie, Loana and Noel. They will each have 4 chances to “card” each other. When somebody cards you, you must pour one of their glasses of blood into the fvckingly big goblet provided to each idiot just for that purpose. There will be four rounds. When all the wine glasses of blood have been divvied up—it’s bottom up, baby! Whoever can finish the fastest without puking it all up wins. (They do this on Fear Factor every darn week, only usually the blood is mixed with other gross things like bile and urine. Plus they drank cow’s blood in Survivor Africa. Drinking blood is so old, in a Reality TV kind of way)

Nichole gets to pick the first victim—Eric. As Eric pours the glass of blood into his Fvckingly Big Goblet, Don reminds him to get “every last gooey little warm sustenant drop.”

Webby, do I have to summarize the results for all four rounds? It’s too boring, plus I don’t know how to do tables in html so I might waste a lot of valuable space just listing them off.

Webby: Yes Swami. Just because the show is stupid doesn’t mean you get to slough off. Shut up and type.

Yes, Webby.

These are the picks. Pardon my ineptitude.

Round one
Nichole to Eric.
Noel to Eric
Eric to Noel
Loana to Eric
Jamie to Eric.
Noel wisecracks to Eric “You’re going to have a bloody good time tonight!”

Round two
Nichole to Loana
Noel to Loana
Eric to Noel
Loana to Noel
Jamie to Noel
Eric smirks at Noel, who should have just shut up and let it happen but isn’t smart enough for that.

Round 3
Nichole to Noel
Noel to Jamie
Eric to Noel
Loana to ?
Jamie to Eric

round 4
Oops. I forgot to remember that one. Sorry Webby.

Don summarizes who got how many glasses. Isn’t that nice of him? He must have noticed I was having trouble keeping track.

“Eric has 6 glasses of blood to drink.
“Loana has 3.
“Noel has 7.
“Jamie has 3.”

“It is time to chug!” Don announces with typical overkill vampire drama.

Commercial Break

It’s Bob again. Back to demonstrate that being engorged with blood is sometimes a good thing. Just ask his happy wife. She smiles all the time too.

Okay we’re back in the Mad Mad House now.

Don: “It is time to chug! The trial begins when I set my glass down on the table.” Then he picks up a glass of blood and lovingly, greedily, pours every last drop into his moistly open mouth. Uncle Cameraman shows us a gratuitously bloody close-up of said mouth so we can enjoy counting how many teeth Don has filed to a rapier point. Or maybe they are caps. I dunno. Anyway—Don chugs his blood and slams his glass to the table.

Let the smug thug chug begin!

Eric gags and heaves as he drinks. He holds his nose. He shudders.

Noel drinks slowly, knowing there is no way he will win.

It’s a race between Loana and Jamie. Loana downs the warmly vile drink super fast—proving I guess that she may technically be a virgin, but she knows how to choke down a hot load of bodily fluids when she has to. She barely beats out Jamie.

Loana wins! Mwahahaha!!! (Oh wait. Loana doesn’t say stuff like that. She just thinks it.) Faint, scattered applause.

Loana runs off to barf in the bathroom while Eric just heaves onto the dining room floor.

Later That Day, or Maybe The Next Day—Who Can Tell?

Loana tells ta’Shia a boat load of crap, including that Eric takes cold medicine “just to sleep.”

Ta’Shia is stunned. “In the last few days!?! Have you seen him take it!?!?!”

Loana: “Yeah.”

Thus begins a little segment I call Liar, Liar, ta’Shia’s Pants Are On Fire!

Ta’Shia feels lied to and betrayed by her special project—Noel. Of course Noel lied first (he is not really addicted). And Noel lied again when he told ta’Shia he had kicked the addiction he didn’t have due to her benevolent influence. But whatever—that was just game play in his mind. Loana lied to Noel when she said she didn’t think telling ta’Shia was a big deal. Then just to be sure she lied to ta’Shia again and said “Yup. Janitor-boy is a drug addict. But what can you expect from someone with no aspirations in life?”

Ta’Shia runs straight to Fiona and spills it all—the dastardly lie and her anguish at being lied to. Fiona, who accepts all lies told her as simple truth (and conversely believes simple truths to be lies), believes this lie and all the other lying liars whole-heartedly. (I feel like I should send a royalty check to Al Franken at this point. Well, not really. I lied.)

Fiona: “I trust Loana. She would not lie.”

They tell Art, who barely pays attention to them. They tell Don, who says “Oh really?” and looks under whelmed.

Don: “Loana is snitching on purpose and trying to make herself look like a little angel. It kinda rubs me the wrong way.”

Meanwhile ta’Shia runs around like a mad woman talking to everyone but Noel. Asking everyone about it, but Noel. See, asking Noel would be like sensible and everything. Something that is against the Sacred Code of the Mad Mad House.

Eventually, ta’Shia asks her ancestors. (Ancient African Ancestors are experts on cold medicine addiction, ya know.) She asks this by taking off all her make-up, putting on a white dress and throwing some shells & crap into a little dish. Ancestors say? Guilty as charged!

Ta’shia: “The ancestors never lie!”

Okay. Here’s my problem. I am quite prepared to believe that her ancestor spirits know what actually happened in its entirety. However, did ta’Shia ask the right damn question? That’s always the problem with oracles and divination stuff. When you ask a crappy question, you get a worthless answer.

See, if ta’Shia asked ‘Is Noel lying about taking cold medicine?’ The answer should be “Yes.” But it’s the wrong damn question! Somewhere in Greece, Ancient Delphic Oracles are laughing their ancient Delphic asses off, and high-fiving (in a strictly spiritual way) their Ancient African sisters. We? Are not the center of the Universe. Remember that, boys and girls.

Anyway, back to the show…

Loana is lying to everyone now, right there at the Last Supper table.

The Last Supper

Fiona is in charge of the last supper this week. She leads the Mad House in, wearing a lovely pink tank top with no bra on underneath. Her right nipple clearly knows it is on camera. Her left nipple is surrounded by an appliquéd sunburst flower, in a rather obvious tribute to Janet Jackson and the now infamous Wardrobe Malfunction. I mean—it’s the exact same sunburst flower for Pete’s sake!

Coincidently? Loana is wearing a pink tank top too! Women everywhere know what this means.

Ta’Shia offers a toast to ‘The Spirit of Truth!’

They all raise a glass of pinkish sludge, quaff it, then glare at Noel.

Fiona: “If there is one thing I hate, it is deliberate willful dishonesty.” More glares.

Loana is all wide-eyed innocence and continues to eat daintily.

Noel objects to people making assumptions about him without asking him directly. (You know—so he can lie his way out of it & stuff.) He labels it ‘Hypocrisy’. More glares from ta’Shia.

All of which leads Art, the sensible one, to ask the houseguests whom they trust the most and the least.

Eric of course trusts Loana the most, because (a) she has the tie-breaking vote, and (b) she has been honest and genuine since day one (see—Eric can lie too!). He trusts Nichole the least

Noel trusts Jamie because she not out to double-cross anyone, and Loana the least because of that whole lying through her teeth thing.

Eventually, Loana admits that “maybe” she made a little mistake, but no lies! No sirree indeed—no lies. Don calls her a “snitch” and says “She knows what she is doing!”

Then they go off for the Deliberation Ceremony, taking Lying Loana with them because she the winner, Right before they start deliberating, Loana tells the truth to the camera: “I am going to hurt Noel’s position in the game” any way I can.

Then they say <brak> <brak> <brak>. Man, I hate Deliberation Ceremonies! Everything is so solemn, high falutin’ and totally meaningless. I refuse to regurgitate their inane logic—even if Webby spanks me. One thing? Yeah. Loana lies again. She drives all the nails she can into Noel’s coffin.

Week Seven Elimination Ceremony

They all file out to the pool as the clock strikes midnight. It must be warmer tonight because Art is bare-chested.

Fiona is in a fairly restrained tight green dress with her faithful black over-the-knee boots. She has a new hairdo! All slicked back using some of that hair “gel” that Cameron Diaz used in Something About Mary—at least I’m pretty sure that’s the look she is going for.

Don, as usual, is all in black—but Holy Carp—look at his boots! I never noticed it before, but he wears 6 inch platform boots! Gene Simmons could not walk in those! And yet? He’s still short. Drinking blood must stunt your growth.

Avocado is wearing black slacks, a long-sleeved purple shirt, and a weird floral bib/ruffle thing with a train that goes all the way down his butt. I have no vocabulary to explain this fashion item. He looks like a cross between the pope and a Vegas show-girl.

Lying Loana stands to one side, since she won immunity drinking blood. Nichole gets to keep her immunity from the Fake Elimination so she joins Loana. Which leaves Noel, Eric and Jamie up for elimination.

Ta’Shia is in charge tonight and casts the first vote, for Noel of course. “The sages are speaking to you,” she tells Noel. “The question is, will you heed the message?”

Art votes Eric. “If you leave tonight, I hope you take with you all you have learned here.” I love Art—he is so non-judgmental.

Don votes Eric, because he is lagging the most.

Avocado votes Noel.

It’s a tie! Now everything is up to the all-wise, highly intuitive witch Fiona.

Fi votes Noel and gives a long rambling explanation. “If you win this money you will become complacent. Your greatest ability as a creative individual, as a writer, to really write what you have inside you, you have to be challenged! While she is rambling on Noel closes his eyes, rolls his eyes, looks up, rolls ‘em again. It’s all soooo stupid. Then Fiona kisses him once on each cheek and he totally melts. Gives her a gooey, silly grin. Witchcraft? Nah… hormones.

Noel’s Parting Words

“Loana screwed me over, but she’s basically a 23 year old chick who’s never been laid, is a tad naïve and needs to grow up a little bit.

“I am transformed in no way. I was kicked out for reasons which are not valid. I came in here happy and I’m leaving kinda bitter.”

Next Week

 It’s the Final Four, baby!
 Eric kisses Fiona’s bikini clad ass.
 Lying Loana fights with Fiona
 Fiona leaves them hanging.
 Who cares? It’s He’s turn!