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Original Message
"Be The...Pirate Master 1.4"
Posted by tribephyl on 06-22-07 at 06:29 AM
*ding*dong* All Pirates to the quarterdeck!

Let's get this roll call thing covered so's I can get straight to my chest.
Jay? Check.

Loupert? Check.

JoeDumb? Check.

...Hunh?...Nessa?
Wait.
Who's this Nessa person?
Gosh darn it MB! How am I supposed to be thourough at my job if you keep introducing new characters each week?!

* gasp * drops jaw * watches Nessa jiggle around in wet and completely seethrough costume * adolescent giggle * subsequent uncomfortable change in bloodflow*

Ole' Cap'n Leadhead's been at sea for awhile now and is really missin' his wife back home.
How much longer does this job last?
Eventually I'll need to get me some congugatin' done, but for now perhaps a cold shower is in order.

*splash* Oh laaadieees!

Hey? Where's everyone going?
Ooo...what's that? A crab race?
Ooo... get me in on that action.
5 dabloons on Kingfish, please.

Next up? Treasure hunting with the crazy brit and lazy beetch.
(Due to this weeks treasure being sponsored by the French, don't get your hopes up too high.)
Captaigne Narcissism hid a mirror and marcque for the least bumbling of two teams. Can you dig it? bon voyage.

Cap'n Crumpet missreads and misleads the black team and eventually gets them in a digging fury alongside the Red team.
Beyond Christa's rock discovery, however, they board the ship empty handed.
Meanwhile, Cap'n Loupert and his merry bunch of weaklings drag Joy, give a little grabass, carry Joy, jostle some coconuts, lug Joy and finally, with productorial guidance, find the booty. (I mean if Kendra found it, it would have to have been hinted at, right?)

Congrats Red Team.
You win ... uh ... Diddly Squat! (That's French for $5,000. Which is, strangely, the same in english.)

Oh and there's also a Royal Pardon. (A twist MB will probably use for Survivor:China as well.)
Something that will inevitably lead to some super-hyped let-down.
Interested? It'll cost ya'.

Hope you're enjoying your time in the limelight Loupert.
No? What? You hate it?
Why you ungrateful piece of stunt casting.
I should have you removed just because you refuse to wear the hat. (It's still drugged, right MB?)
But dissing the jacket in public? *shakes head* tsk-tsk
Just not right to bite the hand that feeds you.

Okay, front and center JoeDumb, Assmyth and *butches voice* Cheryl. Loupert has marked you three with black spots. But before we start cutting ropes, let's see who bought the Royal LetDown.
Yup, JoeDumb did.
Congrats. You didn't need it.
*ahem* Sorry Cheryl... you have been cut adrift.

Alas. I hardly miss ye'.


Don't forget your moustache bleach!

Table of contents
Messages in this discussion
"The admiral speaks. (And he is not happy.)"
Posted by Estee on 06-22-07 at 07:24 AM
Yes, the hat is still drugged. It's just that we can't control people's reactions to the dosage. (I know. It's very annoying. The idea of having something around which I can't control does that.) Some people go power-hungry, others spontaneously develop accents, and a few more become vengeful and stupid. Very, very stupid...

So you all thought you'd be playing for major money on every expedition? Of course you did, because Louie let everyone try on the hat. It's all play money anyway, and now that I've gotten you used to the idea of spending it to gain passage, I'll make you all give me your accumulated 'winnings' -- heh, heh -- at the end of the season, or I won't let you go back home. It's that or get stranded in Thailand, where I believe most of the original cast is still waiting to greet you. I say 'most' because our hidden cameras haven't picked up Clay in a while and although he might just be under their pickup range, there's a good chance they've eaten him.

So how much do you love my Royal Pardon? Isn't it just so convenient that one of the officers who served under the legendary-and-completely-real Captain Steel thought to stick that in there? Wasn't that just the most cunningly obvious secret compartment ever? I call it The Chest Of Danni, and I'm not sure why. Yes, you can have immunity. Anyone can have immunity. Except for the people I say can't have it. Like the poor, because I hate them. And the captain, because I didn't say he could bid on it, now did I? No, this is the tool for the rich and despised to escape their fate, and yes, I only started thinking this way well after the third season of the show which stands a chance of being renewed. I'm beginning to have some doubts about this one. Maybe I should consider distancing myself from it. No, no one would ever do that with a show just because the ratings were weak -- right, Steven?

Cheryl? I hate lawyers. I even hate my own lawyers, although I have to do it from afar because they do such a good job, and it physically hurt me to admit that. (Someone will pay.) But other lawyers? Especially ones I cast for my shows? Are there to be hurt. It's not your fault, really. It's Stillman's fault. But I don't care whose fault it is as long as you bleed your crocodile tears, and I'm not giving you any water in secret to power them with either.

Can we get a little more blur on Nessa? Good.

Can we get a little more fabric stuffed into Louie's mouth? Too late? Do it anyway.

Maybe I'll just bask in the glow from my Royal Pardon for a bit longer. An Immunity that's strictly temporary, could be anywhere, destroys people's plans, and is almost impossible to keep... where did I ever find such a brilliant idea? Clearly the ghost of Captain Steel has been speaking to me in my sleep. He was completely real, you know. Would I give two minutes of television time to someone every week if they weren't completely real?

...more fabric for Louie's mouth. Now.

"RE: The admiral speaks. (And he is not happy.)"
Posted by agman on 06-22-07 at 11:53 AM
I cant believes it. We be the weaker crew physically, but mentally we kicked yer captains arse and actually won! I be liken me knew duties as captain's mate. More fun to hand out the black spots than be recieven em.

Keelhauled by tribe

"RE: The admiral speaks. (And he is not happy.)"
Posted by emydi on 06-22-07 at 12:32 PM
too bad you got squat...


"RE: The admiral speaks. (And he is not happy.)"
Posted by agman on 06-22-07 at 01:06 PM
Aye, but at least I'm not floating about like shark bate..

Keelhauled by tribe


"RE: The admiral speaks. (And he is not happy.)"
Posted by RudyRules on 06-22-07 at 05:00 PM
LAST EDITED ON 06-22-07 AT 05:05 PM (EST)

Can we get a little more blur on Nessa? Good.

The Pirate's emblem doth volunteer to be put on Nessa's naughty places in order to blur her.

Can we get a little more fabric stuffed into Louie's mouth? Too late? Do it anyway.

Dear God, NO! You not be using your Pirate emblem in such a fashion.


"RE: The admiral speaks. (And he is not happy.)"
Posted by jbug on 06-25-07 at 03:47 PM
ooh! "Jolly Roger" that tickles!


Honored by Tribe

"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.4"
Posted by sporkman on 06-22-07 at 08:02 AM
Sea water! Get your fresh sea water here! Only 1 $20 gold piece for a bucket of Sea water! It's great for swabbing the deck or dumping on the flirty new girl! Free bucket of sea water for the first person who can tell me who the third original officer was. Does anyone remember? No? Great!



"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.4"
Posted by The Cake on 06-22-07 at 10:15 AM
All I can say today to my previous cap'n, You are from Seattle. Unless I be most mistaken that is not in England. You Bloody Weirdo!

"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.4"
Posted by sporkman on 06-22-07 at 11:58 AM
Umm, are you talking to me? You know I'm not Azmyth right?
I know I did a great job leading the red team to victory. I should have been named captain, but that's ok. I don't really want the spotlight on me. I'm fine working in the background.
*cameraman turns to leave*
HEY! Where are you going. I'm not done yet. I like being under the radar. I might have started the episode out showing my leadership abilities but then I like to fade into the shadows where no one can see me. If the crew doesn't remember me or think I'm someone else, that's just fine with me.

"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.4"
Posted by Bravehart on 06-22-07 at 06:54 PM
"I should have been named captain, but that's ok. I don't really want the spotlight on me. I'm fine working in the background."

Um, arrg, yea right Ben!

I hear you may get yer wish!

"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.4"
Posted by piratepolly on 06-25-07 at 07:46 PM
AWWWKK! Name sewn on his shirt! Name sewn on his shirt! AWWWWKKK!!

AWWKKK!! Land pirate wanna '93 Chevy Astro replacement passenger door handle assembly part number C462121! AWWWK!!


"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.4"
Posted by piratepolly on 06-25-07 at 07:34 PM
AWWK!! Polly remember!

Ben catch a fish! Ben catch a fish! AWWWKKK! Ben on the radar!

AWWWWKK!!


AWWWK!! Look at his shoes! Look at his shoes!

"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.4"
Posted by sporkman on 06-26-07 at 11:02 PM
LAST EDITED ON 06-26-07 AT 11:10 PM (EST)


It looks like we have a winner. Come over here to collect your prize Polly. For a bonus prize, lets see how long you can hold your breath under water.

Be quiet you dumb parrot!
ETA:
Since I will be away this weekend, Be the Pirate Ben will finally keep his mouth shut and fly under the radar until July 2nd.

"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.4"
Posted by cahaya on 06-22-07 at 10:38 AM
Awww, man. Where was this royal pardon thing when I needed it?

Not that I had any money to buy it anyway.

"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.4"
Posted by emydi on 06-22-07 at 11:09 AM
I was too proud to beg for it. I'm classy.


Harumpf...I'm taking my gold and going home!


"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.4"
Posted by dreamerbeliever on 06-22-07 at 03:23 PM
Arr more like to dumb. Come on Cheryl, you know you're going to pull a Stillman and wanted out to start planning your case.

"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.4"
Posted by Bravehart on 06-22-07 at 06:58 PM
Um, I heard you revelled in other's grovelling Mistress (Emy) er "I am a prosecutor" Cheryl.

"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.4"
Posted by ARnutz on 06-22-07 at 11:12 AM
Aye, me booty was scarce this time.



Aye, Matey, me booty has been tribed!
*Anyone want to take over as the booty? I am going to have a problem fulfilling my duties for the whole season. Perhaps someone who was ousted early?

"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.4"
Posted by jbug on 06-22-07 at 12:52 PM
...Hunh?...Nessa?
Wait.
Who's this Nessa person?
Gosh darn it MB! How am I supposed to be thourough at my job if you keep introducing new characters each week?!

* gasp * drops jaw * watches Nessa jiggle around in wet and completely seethrough costume * adolescent giggle * subsequent uncomfortable change in bloodflow*

I knew I'd figger out eventually what it'd take to get me notic'd! Who wudda thunk all I needed was a wee bit of cold water and skimpy, thin clothes!
I lik the flirtin! Come on mates! Let's have some funnnnnnnn.


Honored by Tribe

"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.4"
Posted by qwertypie on 06-22-07 at 01:11 PM
And I want to thank you for wearing such skanky-when-wet clothes. I got to bring everyone's attention to your nekkidness-while-dressed and your flirtiness. Most importantly I'M BACK IN THE SPOTLIGHT!!!! Thank you Cameron (guess my late night persuasion was very persuasive)
Coconuts and me! Me being man-handled by the rest of the crew. Nice shot of me bringing my chest over the side of the ship. OH YA! (and I didn't even need a black spot this time).


I've been planked by Tribe!
"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.4"
Posted by agman on 06-22-07 at 01:24 PM
Arrrgggghhh, I wants to thank you fer yer near nekkedness also. It...er....inspires me. Those wet duds be very inviting

Keelhauled by tribe

"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.4"
Posted by jbug on 06-22-07 at 02:13 PM
ooh! Sean - I was a wishin it be you behind me on that path to the croc rocks insted of ole Loupert! I was shoin some booty , wasn't I? Nes time you follow Nessie, OK?


Honored by Tribe

"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.4"
Posted by agman on 06-22-07 at 03:26 PM
I'll be slippin some clorophorme on the captain's breakfast and be seein ya later

Keelhauled by tribe

"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.4"
Posted by dreamerbeliever on 06-22-07 at 03:35 PM
LAST EDITED ON 06-22-07 AT 03:36 PM (EST)

Officer Sean! That is the captains booty and you will not be eyein' his treasure. Only the captain is allowed to caress and fondle that booty. After you finish my breakfast, clean my boots!

"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.4"
Posted by emydi on 06-22-07 at 04:14 PM
wtf? I thought you hated being captain...


"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.4"
Posted by dreamerbeliever on 06-24-07 at 10:01 PM
Arr was just a front, I feel the power of the blue suit and it is intoxicating.

"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.4"
Posted by RudyRules on 06-23-07 at 11:36 PM
Get over here wench and let me wrap me fabric around your naughty spots.



"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.4"
Posted by jbug on 06-25-07 at 03:50 PM
ooh! Still ticklin!


Honored by Tribe

"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.4"
Posted by RudyRules on 06-27-07 at 06:44 PM
Aye Lassie,
Happy to be of service!


Tribed!

"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.4"
Posted by dreamerbeliever on 06-22-07 at 03:14 PM
"Captain onboard! All swabbies stand at attention. Captain onboard!"

Thank you Officer Sean, you are now relieved to go make my breakfast. Officer Nessa, stay within an arm-lengths reach of Captain Louie, he may wish to grab your azz again. Arr it's good to be the captain.

Scurvy dog crewmembers. You may address me as Captain Louie, Lord Louie, Emperor Louie, or King Louie, for I be your master! If Louie says jump, he wants to hear how high.

There will be no more of this Loupert talk or comparing Louie to his long lost brother, for Louie’s greatness has now acceded his. He stands in my shadow. This means you pretty-boy Daddeo. Louie could easily replace you for an outsourced host from India and send you back to C list acting gigs.

Wench pirates! If Louie’s hand happens to reach out to feel your assets, you will giggle and tell your lord how much you enjoyed his touch. Long John pirates! You will now grovel at the feet of your king and thank him for allowing you to remain on his ship and in his adventure. JD, you may go first and Jay you are exempt from this humiliation. Did Louie say kiss his feet JD? How pathetic.

And there will be no talk of mutiny! Your Captain has spoken, now go back to swabbing his ship! NOW!!!

"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.4"
Posted by sporkman on 06-22-07 at 04:05 PM
Hail Pirate King Louie! Even though it was I that led the red team to victory, I'm happy you were chosen captain. You scared me for a second when you were choosing officers. I thought you were going to pick me. Thanks for not making me an officer again. I'm much happier down here with the crew.


"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.4"
Posted by jbug on 06-22-07 at 04:44 PM
~~giggle~`
~`giggle~~
~~giggle~~



Honored by Tribe

"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.4"
Posted by vince3 on 06-23-07 at 02:29 AM
LAST EDITED ON 06-23-07 AT 12:17 PM (EST)

*does Spaceball salute*

and yet I didn't get one vote! Maybe they actually like me?

ETA: Okay, I've asked around (went to the Voting History page on CBS.com), and it turns out I was the person who got the 3 votes. Daddio, you could have told me I was one vote away from not wasting this Royal Pardon!!!!!!!!! No, you had to let Azmyth twist in the wind....... *sigh* I'm in deep trouble!

*wonders if I have enough to bribe the crew to keep me for a while.......*


"RE: Your Captain has spoken"
Posted by piratepolly on 06-23-07 at 02:54 PM
AWWWKKK!! Polly see a rat's nest! Polly see a rat's nest! AAWWKK! AAWWWK!

"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.4"
Posted by agman on 06-23-07 at 03:20 PM
Captain! I thinks ye power be goin to yer head. I don't sees ya fitting your head back in the cabin door!....enough talk, I go back to making breakfast

Keelhauled by tribe

"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.4"
Posted by dreamerbeliever on 06-24-07 at 10:11 PM
Officer Sean, you are starting to try my patience! First you’re hitting on my main squeeze and now you’re thinking. When did the captain ever say you were allowed to think? You have two jobs on this ship, cook my food and win challenges so that I remain in power. Thinking is the captain’s job.

"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.4"
Posted by agman on 06-24-07 at 11:13 PM
LAST EDITED ON 06-24-07 AT 11:16 PM (EST)

Thinking
>is the captain’s job.


And since you are the captain, that makes this thinking thing very problematic ! Just makin an observation captain!





Keelhauled by tribe

edited to correct spelling errors and reword sentence so that it makes sense!

"I'll make you a deal, Captain:"
Posted by vince3 on 06-27-07 at 03:54 PM
I'll be glad to go away if you can arrange for a few wenches like this for my welcoming party on the S.S. LoserLodge......


"RE: I'll make you a deal, Captain:"
Posted by kingfish on 06-27-07 at 06:27 PM
LAST EDITED ON 06-27-07 AT 06:31 PM (EST)


Oh my Kukula god!! We like the soft pinchy places on that skin creature.



But we are kinda scared that she's a he. Oh well, soft spots there too!!
TribePhyl

"RE: I'll make you a deal, Captain:"
Posted by vince3 on 06-27-07 at 09:34 PM
LAST EDITED ON 06-27-07 AT 10:05 PM (EST)

Her name is Victoria, WWE Smackdown Diva...... here's the whole photo shoot here

"RE: I'll make you a deal, Captain:"
Posted by kingfish on 06-28-07 at 08:45 AM
OK, it's a her. Bombaceous Boobs. I would accept a smackdown from her. Or two. I'm intrigued.

And always was? I mean, the shoulders, biceps, forearms? even the waist seems more line backer than anything else.

Steriod City, I guess. Still, not backing down on the smackdown invite. I understand she has friends.

"RE: I'll make you a deal, Captain:"
Posted by vince3 on 06-28-07 at 11:39 AM
Why is it that it's almost always that people think that women with muscles = steroids?
"RE: I'll make you a deal, Captain:"
Posted by kingfish on 06-28-07 at 01:33 PM
These days, things being what they are, with steroid scandals (men and women) left and right.....

How could one not?

"RE: I'll make you a deal, Captain:"
Posted by foonermints on 06-28-07 at 03:35 PM
In bobybuilding competitions, it's fairly well known that almost all women can't "Christmas Tree" their back muscles without the aid of steroids. We're just not built that way, and taking steroids is largely frowned upon.
Got nothin' on the WWF..
She looks a bit weak, as her muscles aren't very well defined.


Not like the HeroCrabWeightlifter.

"RE: I'll make you a deal, Captain:"
Posted by kingfish on 06-29-07 at 10:20 AM
Yeah, Victoria probably got fit the old fashioned way.

But who can think about her in the presence of a crab abs like that!

Hey Hermy, come sit over here! Looks lke you've been working out for the Crab Meet!! Turn around, lets check out your spread.

Wanna feel my pinchers?



"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.4"
Posted by Georgianna on 06-22-07 at 06:49 PM
Hey? Where's everyone going?
Ooo...what's that? A crab race?
Ooo... get me in on that action.
5 dabloons on Kingfish, please.


"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.4"
Posted by foonermints on 06-27-07 at 02:40 PM
Now That's just creepy. At least us hermit crabs don't race.


..and Charlie don't surf.

"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.4"
Posted by kingfish on 06-27-07 at 03:27 PM
Well, it's a fund raiser. Sneaking up on those skin creature and pinching them in their soft areas at night is expensive, we have been losing raiding parties to the ship cook's kettle.

(Those despicable skin creatures actually like to EAT us, and it makes us really, really, mad).

Someone mentioned having a crab track meet as a fundraiser, so we can buy the seaweed/kelp wreaths we need to honor the recently digested. We voted to give it a shot.

Hermit crabs are in for the house weightlifting contests, and the ghost crabs compete in the sprints. Crabbus Giganticus compete in the shot put, discus, and javelin. And land crabs compete in the relays and long distances. Skittering is a open event, and blue crabs provide security.

So fill out your entries, and/or place your bets. ANd get ready for the skin creature pinchinest weekend of your life!!!


Crabs everywhere unite!! One claw for all!!


"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.4"
Posted by kingfish on 06-27-07 at 06:46 PM
"*ahem* Sorry Cheryl... you have been cut adrift."

But at least she was able to keep her integrity intact.

(At the rail... Braaaack...Can't keep the chow down after that statement. What a dork.



Agman let me steal this!


"Blech."
Posted by foonermints on 06-27-07 at 07:41 PM
If you keep spinning around like that you're going to make all the rest of the creatures in the sea barfle right along with you.


..and I'm not ready to upload Jonah yet.

"RE: Blech."
Posted by kingfish on 06-28-07 at 08:36 AM

(Handing out fish-dramamine to the troops.)

The Spinning Guppy ploy is aimed at the skin creatures. After you take your pill, the guppy will look like this

When they lean over they rail, we move in for the well placed soft spot pinch. Then we skitter away.

WARNING: We have sterile suits for crabs assigned to pinch Louie and Azmyth.

I mean, have mercy!! We're used to decaying fish guts and fetid rat feces, but even we can't go to the toxic unwashed nether regions of Louie and Azmyth without full carapace protection(mouth barfle at idea).

Someone, buy them a bath, please!! Last time I caught a wiff of them, I almost shed my exoskeleton all over my computer.


Snidget


"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.4"
Posted by Spanky68 on 06-27-07 at 07:40 PM
Sorry about being gone for a while. I was off on a holiday...er vacation.

I hope you all enjoyed the goosechase. Remember: it's the journey that matters, not the treasure.

Oh heck, who am I kidding? I can't say that with a straight face.

"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.4"
Posted by Bravehart on 06-28-07 at 06:18 PM
Welcome Back Captain! May you be wearin the blue coat tonight!

I's be gone too fer a bit...lil ole' twister hit me place but all Pirates safe'n sound!

Who should we cut adrift tonight Captain? Since we have the REAL power!