>LAST EDITED ON 02-18-04
>AT 02:25 AM (EST)
>
>

My Big, Fat, Obnoxious... Momma!

>
>Welcome to week 4,612 of Average
>Joe Hawaii.
>Tempers flared last week, when Tony’s
>boat ride turned into a
>Leonard DiCaprio movie, complete with
>crappy portrait of the leading
>lady.
>
>And four more guys went home,
>leaving three average Joes, three
>hunks, and two more weeks
>until we find out if
>a beauty queen can find
>happiness with a tattooed concrete
>contractor from Cleveland.
>
>As I said, this show has
>lasted longer than the Fillmore
>Administration, and Larissa is running
>out of bikinis. Hawaii is
>running out of nature. The
>producers are running out of
>ideas. Good thing they rented
>Mrs. Doubtfire and Shallow Hal
>last week.
>
>Say hello to “My Big, Fat,
>Obnoxious… Momma!”
>
>It’s common knowledge, apparently, that men
>make judgments about women based
>on the attractiveness of the
>mom. Good news for
>the Bush twins, bad news
>for Chelsea Clinton.
>
>And, in this case, bad news
>for Michael. The man
>has no control over the
>words that come out of
>his mouth. But you knew
>that already.
>
> Larissa is going to get
>into a fat suit and
>present herself as “Larissa’s Mom.”
>The show opens with a
>quick speed-editing of Larissa getting
>all dolled up to be
>Jabba the Mom, while the
>guys discuss what the meeting
>might be like. They expect
>‘Mom’ will like them. Moms
>always do.
>But, here’s the twist: Little do
>they know, when the meeting
>is over, they will be
>filmed by hidden cameras!
>
>“Little do they know.”
>
>Reflect on that. These guys have
>been in the mansion for
>weeks; TV cameras have followed
> them everywhere. They have
>to deal with producers and
>assistant producers and directors and
>gaffers and grips and Foley
>artists and fluffers and craft
>service people and limo drivers
>and “production assistants.” Let’s guess
>that there are 100 people
>running around this mansion with
>lenses sticking out of their
>shoulders at various times.
>
>So, hey, they might be on
>camera.
>
>Little do they know.
>
>M O R O N S
> ! ! !
>! !
>
>
>OK… so we see the opening
>sequence. And I get to
>say: “Aw Phuc, I miss
>Phuc. This show just isn’t
>the same without a good
>Phuc. And now, the producers
>don’t give a Phuc. And
>there was nobody who could
>make Larissa glow like a
>good strong Phuc.”
>
>Can you tell I’m unhappy with
>the remaining cast?
>… Don’t even get me started
>on missing David.
>
>The episode really begins with glass-blowing,
>which is rather uninteresting except
>that the hot glass looks
>like fiery boogers, and they
>have no idea what to
>do with it. Larissa teases
>Michael into make some blob
>thing, while Gil and Jim
>stand around flexing their hypothalamus.
>
>
>Gil corners Larissa and wants her
>to tell him something she
>hasn’t told the other guys.
>I wanted her to point
>out his hideous skin, but
>she counters by asking him
>to tell her something. He
>admits he has a wall
>in his head.
>
>Larissa then thrusts herself on Jim,
>whom she calls affectionate, and
>then tells him she has
>a crush on him before
>she tries to swallow his
>tonsils.
>
>Larissa has to choose someone to
>take on a “date,” and
>Michael convinces her with the
>logical argument that he needs
>to dig himself out of
>a hole. (Hey, Idjut: You
>dig in to a hole.
> You climb out.) Sadly,
>this “serious side” Michael convinces
>Larissa to take her hand
>out of Jim’s pants for
>a few hours. She says
>Michael needs a shoehorn to
>get his foot out of
>his mouth, and inexplicably gives
>him another chance.
>
>Cut to the Mauna Kea Volcano,
>where virgins have been sacrificed
>for centuries, and Larissa needn’t
>worry. There’s no lava, but
>there is a pretty view.
>The sun is going down,
>the clouds are going down,
>the ratings are going down,
>Larissa is going down, the
>ratings are going up…
>
>Excuse me. I was wandering. This
>is really, really boring. I
>bet it is beautiful to
>see live, but it is
>boring television. They wish upon
>a star, they kiss in
>silhouette; it’s a real Hallmark
>moment. Larissa says something about
>balancing on his ying-yang, but
>that’s about it.
>We cut to commercials, and I
>contemplate tuning out until the
>final episode. Why not? The
>rest of America has.
>
>When we return, Larissa is exploring
>lava tubes with the regular
>guys, Brian, Tony and Fredo.
>They go crawling through scary
>caves, lit by 1,000,000-watt TV
>lights, until they reach a
>Tiki Idol on a pedestal
>in the middle of a
>cavern. No one wants to
>touch it, thinking it’s going
>to blow up. Naturally, this
>one is not booby-trapped. It’s
>just a cast off Survivor
>prop with a note telling
>Larissa to take somebody on
>a date.
>
>So now the Average Joes get
>some one on one. Fredo
>tells her he’s scared of
>her, Brian tells her he
>almost quit the game, and
>eventually gives her a chaste
>little kiss. Tony talks about
>art, and is still upset
>about the boat sabotage. Larissa
>thought it was funny, and
>thinks Tony needs to lighten
>up. Personally, I think he
>needs eyebrows.
>
>She chooses Fredo. I thought Fredo
>would have been a good
>choice for the rowboat on
>the lake, but “Fredo sleeps
>with the fishes” works for
>me, too.
>
>Before they go off to snorkel
>with manta rays, Fredo tells
>Larissa about a disastrous previous
>white trash relationship where the
>psychotic married woman was completely
>at fault, and Larissa gets
>all sympathetic.
>
>The two eventually get in the
>plankton-infested water with the rays,
>despite Larissa’s fear of being
>eaten. Rays drift past gracefully,
>violins swell, and the two
>snuggle on the deck of
>the boat. Awww.
>
>But wait! Now we’re gonna get
>nasty! Don’t forget, after the
>commercials: Attack of Big
>Momma!
>
> When we return, Larissa says
>this experience has taught her
>a lot about not judging
>people by first impressions. She
>now prefers to wait until
>she sees them displace all
>the water in the hot
>tub before banishing them. She
>wants to know if the
>guys are guilty of making
>the same shallow judgments she
>did.
>
>Uh, yeah.
>
>Cue the mission impossible music, call
>in the Hollywood special effects
>team. Larissa gets measured, prodded,
>slathered in goop. We get
>about 15 minutes of Larissa
>being lathered in latex, but
>that’s not as interesting as
>it sounds. False teeth, glasses,
>wig, contacts, and big hairy
>moles… Larissa looks like crap.
>Cue the best friend and
>the stunt double to convince
>the guys.
>
>Cut to commercials.
>
>OK, now we get to the
>important part of the episode.
>A fat ugly old lady
>asking Average Joe what makes
>a woman sexy.
>
>Sitting with Larissa/Mom is Sarah, Larissa’s
>best friend. She’s really not
>worth commenting on except to
>say that she makes Larissa
>look good. In the fat
>suit.
>
>First question to Fredo: “Will you
>cut your damn hair? Right
>now, dammit?”
>He answers all the questions straight
>from the “perfect boyfriend for
>my daughter” textbook.
>
>Next up, Jim, who won’t even
>look at Larissa the Hutt
>and says nothing worth broadcasting.
>
>
>Gil is next, and tells the
>world that the most physically
>unattractive thing a woman can
>have is… hands. I was
>expecting him to say “a
>brain” but he doesn’t think
>that fast. In fact, he
>is revealed to be totally
>brainless. During the interview with
>Larissa’s mom, he is flirting
>with Sarah.
>Yeah, that’ll work.
>
>Tony sits down and says he
>doesn’t see any of Larissa
>in Mrs. Meek. What a
>fine observation for a portrait
>artist.
>
>Brian says the mother is gigantic…
>huge. He won’t look at
>her either, fearing her burning
>eyeballs. For this Bahhsten boy
>they bring out the heavy
>artillery. The killer question.
>You have tickets to see the
>Sawx in Game Seven of
>the World Series, or tickets
>to Larissa’s art show. Which
>one do you go to?
>
>“Ya killin’ me heah!” he says.
>
>
>Of course, this is a hypothetical
>question, since the Sawx won’t
>see Game Seven of the
>World Series in Brian’s lifetime
>and Larissa won’t get an
>art show unless its is
>on the street outside Radio
>City Music Hall. But he
>lies, and they know he’s
>lying. He’s embarrassed to even
>say it, knowing everyone is
>Bahhsten is hooting at him.
>
>
>The art show! HAH!
>Not unless Nomah Gaaciapaahaa is fingerpainting
>Mia Hamm.
>
>Now Michael sits down, and tells
>us how moms always like
>him. When he’s asked about
>the most physically unattractive quality
>a woman can have, he
>points at Larissa and howls.
>
>“Big fat thighs! Nine chins! A
>butt the size of Oahu!”
>
>OK, he says it’s when a
>woman is too lazy to
>stay in shape for the
>likes of him. But
>he might as well have
>pointed and snickered.
>
>Larissa now reminds to world how
>hypocritical she can be. She
>said that she couldn’t be
>attracted to a guy who
>didn’t take care of himself
>(that’s you Sean). She gets
>mad at Michael for saying
>that it is physically unattractive
>when a woman doesn’t take
>care of herself. Thanks
>for clearing THAT up!
>
>Away we got to commercials…
>
>
>After the interviews ended, they guys
>are told that mom went
>home angry. They each tape
>little farewell messages for her.
>Michael apologizes for calling her
>repulsive. Gil is wooden,
>Tony is pathetic, Jim won’t
>even look at the camera,
>Brian sings “Feelings, nothing more
>than Feelings…” and says he’s
>always “hada bawx around my
>haat.” Fredo prattles on about
>how important traditional family values
>are and says his mom
>is his best friend. WHAT
>A SUCK-UP!
>
>Then we see the Hidden Camera
>tape.
>Of course, there’s nothing there we
>haven’t heard.
>The guys are just repeating the
>answers they gave in the
>interviews. All the others
>hoot at Michael for revealing
>the male DNA-encoded hatred of
>fat chicks. He admits he
>wouldn’t be interested in Larissa
>if she were a fat
>chick.
>Uh… yeah. Michael and 1,500 pageant
>judges wouldn’t be interested. Larissa
>is surprised to hear all
>this.
>Welcome to this planet, you vapid
>coathanger!
>
>Now we move on to the
>elimination. Gil and Jim are
>secretly thrilled to know that
>Michael is dead, while Michael
>just wants to get out
>of the spotlight. On the
>other side of the line,
>the Joes are all nervous.
>Apparently, they are all deluded
>enough to think they can
>win this game.
>
>Enter Larissa’s Mom! The Joes shake
>in fear. Michael laughs. Larissa’s
>Mom tells them about the
>hidden camera. Michael laughs harder.
>
>Time for the big reveal.
>“Mom” pulls off the mask and…
>
>It’s TOM CRUISE!
>
>No. that would have been cool.
>
>Instead, it’s Larissa. Gee, who could
>have guessed.
>The men all laugh. They are
>speechless. They were totally convinced
>by the body double. (Here’s
>a tip: Next Thanksgiving
>hire a body double to
>hug mom and avoid her
>big hairy moles!)
>
>Tony says: This show’s got everything.”
>(except eyebrows)
>
>Larissa tells them she learned a
>lot, and was shocked by
>what she heard. And
>the first person going home
>is Michael. He goes
>out with a smile and
>best wishes. Later he
>says he opened his heart,
>and he opened his mouth
>without thinking. He is
>an #####.
>
>Next, she asks to talk to
>Tony, who looks stunned and
>begins to tear up. She
>pulls him close, thanks him
>for the portrait and all
>the great times, but says
>she can’t ever look at
>him again cause his eyebrow
>is zigzaggin across his face
>and it looks absurd. Laughably,
>pathetically absurd. Plus, the portrait
>sucked. And you have no
>sense of humor.
>
>Tony is in shock. He’s crying.
>He never got a chance
>to talk to Larissa. He
>can’t understand it. He thought
>they meshed so well, so
>it must be because he
>looks like a bridge troll
>freakazoid.
>
>Why, even sappy Fredo is crying.
>
>
>Then the guys comment on the
>Mom charade, all claiming to
>be truly fooled. Fredo, who
>admits he comes from a
>long line of fat repulsive
>women, expected Mom to
>bitchslap Michael, and really, she
>should have. That makes for
>better television.
>
>In fact, if you see Michael
>today, bitchslap him for me.
>
>
>Hey, bitchslap ‘em all.
>
>But not Phuc. He’s just
>too Phuc-ing funny.
>
>
>!
>!
>
>
>
>
>
>Next week: A very special-average Joe.
>Larissa invades Cleveland, orders dinner
>from Jim the waiter, watches
>Gil try to think, and
>Brian is traded for Alex
>Rodriguez.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>!
>!
>!
>
>
>
>
>Well look at that! My 1000th
>post!

I am a man who is 35, still lives at home with my folks,never had a girlfriend except during my high school junior and senior year,which did not last at all,state the following fact from my own personal experiences: Ever since I turned 21, my desires for a woman's exterior plummeted,and I came to the most important conclusion that the best thing for me is a solid,platonic relationship with any woman,she need not be beautiful on the outside! With that in mind,I stand a much better chance at cementing my special friendship with Laurianne,my ex-coworker at the Four Queens Hotel in downtown Las Vegas, than to have a platonic relationship with any "Larissa-type" chick! Laurianne is almost a dead-ringer for the fictional character Mrs.Meek. Laurianne is in her late 40's, Caucasian, heavyset,wears large glasses,has a tough personality and very sensitive,yet she really considers me her real friend!
Episode 7 is more suitable and more appropriate in a college classroom setting, and should be carefully conducted as a marketing and/or psychology exercise, or in the Fremont Street Experience in downtown Las Vegas as a marketing exercise or for a costume party! The only two things I did not like about episode 7 is that Larissa possibly insulted her own real mother,and indirectly insulted my friend Laurianne! As a college graduate twice over, this episode needs a major overhaul to educate young men in general about how to appreciate a woman's inside!

Luis XIX