LAST EDITED ON 08-18-03 AT 02:44 PM (EST)

Oh the joy, the rapture of writing a TAR summary! ESPECIALLY when its a glorious non-elimination round and I have no regard whatsoever for any of the teams left. My regular crew gathers for the usual Thursday night bacchanalia, and I sit, pen at the ready, to catch any random witticism or smart traveling move the remaining boobs might make, trusty beer at my side. Momentarily, we panic! There are raging blackouts in the Eastern US and Southern Canada. Surely CBS realizes that the people who NEED updates on this have no electricity, and frankly Scarlett, the rest of us don’t really care because OUR tvs are working, so START THE DAMN SHOW ALREADY!

According to the ratings, no one watches the actual show, so let’s review the remaining teams just to keep everyone up to speed:

The Goat Boys AKA Dave and Jeff. They are directionally challenged and have vowed not to shower or shave until they get their million dollar check. Little did they realize that the show would air 3 months later than originally intended. At this point, their one remaining friend and their families are calling them The Goat Boys.

Chriechen AKA Riechen and Chip. Is it just me, or does Chip always look like he’s got a serious case of constipation? My daughter gets that same look on her face when she could stand a little more fruit in her diet. Lighten up dude, maybe you can go to sensitivity training with Reichen. Until then, eat a prune for Pete’s sake.

J/K AKA John and Kelly. NO, that doesn’t stand for their initials. They’re in the final three and I keep waiting for Phil to tell us that he’s Just Kidding and let us know who the third team REALLY is. Engaged, and emasculated, Jon tags along with Kelly. He’s usually right, she always argues. They’re no Tian or Flozack...just annoyingly *enough* like them to be painful to watch.

Last Week on The Amazing Race: It was so scary we peed our pants. You want a re-cap? Go read CG’s excellent summary, I’ve got this weeks show to worry about.

On this, the next-to-last episode, our fearless teams start out from the Mooloolaba Yacht Club. Phil and his man-boobs let us know that this leg is all about positioning (where are Millie and Chuck when you need them?). First off are the Goat Boys leaving at 10:41 pm. (leaving at 10:41??? Boys, I see bunching in your future). They have to drive themselves to the Woolshed in Ferny Hills 80 miles away. They get a dollar for the trip. Everyone seems to think they are original when they make a wiseass comment about only getting a dollar. At 10:59, J/K follow. Kelly brags that they’ve been saving their money like crazy. Good thing, too. Buying her a sandwich might jeopardize the endorsement she’s got lined up for Weight Watcher’s new Karen Carpenter Diet. 11:33 sees Chriechen show us their dollar bill saying “that’s it, that’s all there is”. Obviously, that’s not a foreign phrase for our boy Chip.

As they race for the Woolshed, The Goats seem to think that using the trip meter will keep them from getting lost. Chriechen both want to be in control, and Kelly is (or isn’t) a crappy navigator, depending on who you believe. UNBELIEVABLY, the Woolshed doesn’t open until 6 AM, a full four hours from when the last team arrives. They sleep in the cars. J/K harass Chip, because A) he’s constipated and B) they want to push his buttons and throw him off his game. The Goats nibble on the chain link fence, hoping to get in early. When the gate opens, they all run frantically through sheep and kangaroos (kangaroo wool? who knew?) for the marked wool pens. They all dig in to massive piles of sheared wool. Kelly the Brave manages to do this without gloves thankyouverymuch. Quote of the Show? “Its warm and sticky and it smells like ass” Yes yet another unwanted peek into the scary, unsatisfying sex lives of these two. This quote, along with a heinous shot of shorn sheep sniffing the piles of wool, will give me nightmares for days.

Kelly whispers to us that they have to head for the airport, fly to Cairns and then find Wild World Zoo. Guess she doesn’t want the other teams to hear, on the off chance they might just leave their clues in the wool pile and go racing off for the airport. Great strategy. Obviously enjoying the ass-roma, The Goats and Chriechen continue digging. Back and forth, up and down, in and out, pushing, pulling,.........until FINALLY! Sweating and exhausted, they get their release (from the Woolshed that is, ya pre-verts), the Goats take longer, realizing that they “probably overlooked” the clue. No shortage of grey matter here.

Commercial, commercial, commercial (the Orbit Gum commercials crack me up...FABULOUS!) and another *LIVE* update for the electricity starved people who have no way of seeing it.

They all drive to the airport, and we’re treated to the bunching that we all know and love. They all get the same flight and sprint out of the building looking for the marked cars. NASCARs got nothing on these people as they drive to Wild World. Kelly expresses fear of the other teams. Look honey, two of them are gay and the other two like their strange with a little shape, so you have nuthin to worry about. Cut to interview with Chip, who says “there’s gonna be bumping and grinding and a little bitterness”. Why oh why is he commenting on Kelly and Johns sex life?

All arrive at Wild World within seconds of each other and rush for the clue box. I am so pleased to announce the return of the sorely missed KODAK EASY SHARE CAMERA to the show. Teams must get a KODAK EASY SHARE CAMERA and proceed to the Croc Pen. While one teammate feeds Sultan the Crocodile, the other teammate must take a picture of them doing so. Only one team at a time can do this task, so its, first come, first served. Afterwards, Teams must find the souvenir shop and develop the picture in order to get their next clue.

Kelly directs Jon to feed while she takes the picture. This would work, except that she walks right by the table with the cameras on it, and doesn’t bother to pick one up. Somehow, this is Jon’s fault when they have to lose their place in line to go back and get the KODAK EASY SHARE CAMERA. The Goats get to go first, they take their pic and leave. The married guys are next. Cri-key! This is one big croc! Chip sticks his ass out, feeds the beast and off they go for the souvenir shop. Kelly and Jon, dropped to last place, take their turn and follow.

The Goats print out their pic without a problem. J/ K catch up with Chriechen, print their clue and leave them in the dust. Reichen, however, who can fly a bazillion dollar fighter jet, can’t figure out how to print out a picture from his KODAK EASY SHARE CAMERA dock. Mean while, the other two teams leave for the 15 mile drive to Wangetti Beach. Amazingly, they all ask for directions before they start driving. John and Kelly STILL manage to get lost, and lose the time they made up at the souvenir shop. Reichen observes that Kelly’s mouth is the biggest mouth of all the crocodile mouths in Australia. Do I detect the presence of another green-eyed monster there, Ricky?

At Wangetti Beach....ITS A DETOUR!!! As we all know, a DETOUR is a choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons. Tonight’s Detour is Saddle or Paddle. With “Saddle”, teams must mount haggard, sedate horses to wander up and down the beach looking for clue clusters. There are four sets of clues hidden, 3 fakes that say “You’re LOSERS, keep looking!” and one set of real ones. This task isnt physically demanding, but could wind up being a huge cluster-...well, you get the idea. With “Paddle” teams must blow up an inflatable kayak and paddle to an orange buoy to get their next clue. The task is more demanding, but they get their clue right away.

The Goats and Chriechen choose “Saddle” while J/K wander lost in their car. Good thing they asked for directions.

Commercial, commercial. commercial. All crap no one wants, but someone‘s gotta pay for the show. Another update for people who can’t see it. I’m pretty sure everyone’s figured out they aren’t getting their power back tonight, so Dan Rather should just take his Geritol and go to bed.

Meanwhile, back at the beach, we cheer for the horses. Much to our dismay, not one of them has the gumption to throw these losers off their backs. They’d have just cause too, as its patently obvious that none of these people have ever mounted a four legged animal before. <insert your own joke here> Chriechen goes left and The Goats go right in their search for the clusters. The Marrieds are sucked into the cluster-...well you get the idea, while The Goats find the correct cluster right away. When J/K DO finally get mounted up, they re-trace The Goat boys trail and trot down the shore to the correct cluster and meet the cluster-..well you get the idea..-ed Crichen coming up the beach. They find the clue and get the hell outta dodge seemingly minutes behind The Marrieds.

To find the next route marker, Teams must drive themselves the 35 miles to Julaten and find the Off Road Rush, an Adventure Sports Company. For some mysterious reason, Reichen decides to re-pack (!) his bag before they leave, and Chip drives over his foot. Chip laughs and then is pissed that Reichen’s upset that his foot got run over. Reichen, in a rare un-sensitive moment, calls Chip an ass____. He should have just offered Chip some fruit.

The Goats retain their lead, and find Off Road Rush while using one of the worst accents ever exhibited on any of the Races. They arrive to find a ROADBLOCK! Yes, its the task that only one person may perform! In this ROADBLOCK, one must choose an off-road buggy and, along with a racing instructor, drive as fast as they can on a muddy and bumpy 7 mile course. At the finish line, they get their next clue.

“Dude” apparently does this one (though he called him “Bro” too, so who can tell?) The dune buggy goes fast, has tons of power and goes airborne. Whoooo Hoooooo. We’re havin some fun now. They zoom around the track, while Chriechen arrives. Reichen worries at Chip’s speed on the way up the drive to the buggys and tells him to “just be safe”. Its no wonder that wussy fighter-pilot boy decides NOT to drive for their team. Obviously, the Air Force spent some good training money on him. Lovely to see my tax dollars hard at work.

The Goats get their clue and speed off sporting a huge....umm...testosterone rush.

Chip can’t drive for sh*t and wrecks his dune buggy. HE’s sporting that familiar constipated grimace while he pounds the steering wheel in utter disbelief that driving into a little old stump would put his car out of commission. Cut to Reichen who thinks that the car Chip chose was “broken“. After riding with the ass___ for 6 weeks, he should know better. Chip still can’t manage to stay on the track, but is able to finish without wrecking again. On the way out, they pass J/K.

Even though its Kelly’s “turn”, she pulls Jon’s testicles out of her backpack and gives them back to him so he can have his manly moment. He is grateful and does the dance of joy at having his “bits” back. He’s so excited, he stalls his car at the starting line and then goes as fast as he can,(another peek?) sending dust clouds over Australia that can be seen from outer space. Things get out of hand, and he flips the car. Kelly runs screaming through the race course and........

Commercial, commercial, commercial. Kraft is trying to convince us that macaroni and cheese is a health food. Dan Rather has taken our advice and gone to bed, we get no update on the power outage, and somehow, feel just as informed as if we had.

Kelly continues running, screaming about lost endorsements, not having her schmancy wedding, and losing the million dollars. Jon emerges from the buggy with a raging hard-on. While Off Road Rush employees flip the car back over, Kelly returns Jon’s testicles to her bag, and he finishes the course. Cut to interview with Kelly who thinks that the Race is helping Jon grow up, as she knowingly pats her backpack. She notes that the Race is only helping her out by letting Jon do some of the things he wanted to do before they got married. She treats us to a huge grin that reminds me I need to get my Halloween skeleton out of storage. ANYWAY.......

The Pit Stop for this leg is 50 miles away, at picturesque Ellis Beach on the edge of the Coral Sea. The Goats arrive in first place, achieving their goal of increasing the lead. They win a European vacation that they “may enjoy after the Race”. Good caveat Phil. Knowing these two, they might decide to take it right now. They are confident that they are going to win, stating that “we won’t make the mistakes that other teams may and that that will keep us ahead of them“. Brilliant.

Chip asks Reichen if he’s REALLY that bad of a driver. Reichen takes the high road and refuses to answer. Look Chippy...in one day you’ve driven over your teammates foot AND wrecked a car. You are a horrible driver. Go have some fruit. They comment that Dave and Jeff have at least a 20 minute lead on them, for those of you keeping track of such things. They whoop and holler as they run down the beach and arrive in second place. Chip says that he’s noticing that Reichen is patient to put up with his blunders. Reichen says that there were critics out there who thought they wouldn’t make it this far. Phil offers Chip fruit. Afraid of losing his "edge", Chip refuses.

J/K roll in last. Kelly mercifully has covered up her emaciated body, and they jog to the mat. Phil dramatically tells them that they are last, but its a non-elimination round. *WHEW*!! I think we were all worried there for a billionth of a second that these two were history!!! Thankfully, Kelly and Jon vow never to breed, citing dominant stupidity genes. Jon loves Kelly’s will to win at any cost, and likes their chances to win.

Can The Goats win? Will Chip get the enema he so desperately needs? Will Jon let Kelly get a sandwich?

NEXT WEEK ON THE AMAZING RACE: Phil in authentic Aboriginal attire (courtesy of Siegfreid and Roy), John naked in Hawaii, missed connections, tears, a narrow escape from the cops, and, oh yeah....the winners of ONE MEEL-YON DOLLARS!

• RE: Official Episode 12 Summary “ If it smells like ass, it must be Australia”,MollyB, 11:52 AM, 08-18-03
• RE: Official Episode 12 Summary “ If it smells like ass, it must be Australia”,tig_ger, 12:25 PM, 08-18-03
• LOL!,moonbaby, 12:32 PM, 08-18-03
• RE: Official Episode 12 Summary “ If it smells like ass, it must be Australia”,L82LIFE, 12:34 PM, 08-18-03
• RE: Official Episode 12 Summary “ If it smells like ass, it must be Australia”,Breezy, 12:42 PM, 08-18-03
• RE: Official Episode 12 Summary “ If it smells like ass, it must be Australia”,PlumBlossom, 01:30 PM, 08-18-03
• RE: Official Episode 12 Summary “ If it smells like ass, it must be Australia”,Bebo, 02:04 PM, 08-18-03
• RE: Official Episode 12 Summary “ If it smells like ass, it must be Australia”,AMAI, 02:05 PM, 08-18-03
• RE: Official Episode 12 Summary “ If it smells like ass, it must be Australia”,FarmBoy, 03:36 PM, 08-18-03
• RE: Official Episode 12 Summary “ If it smells like ass, it must be Australia”,Violet Nyte, 04:16 PM, 08-18-03
• RE: Official Episode 12 Summary “ If it smells like ass, it must be Australia”,I_AM_HE, 05:32 PM, 08-18-03
• RE: Official Episode 12 Summary “ If it smells like ass, it must be Australia”,Schnookie Palookie, 11:34 AM, 08-19-03
• RE: Official Episode 12 Summary “ If it smells like ass, it must be Australia”,bystander, 12:21 PM, 08-19-03
• RE: Official Episode 12 Summary “ If it smells like ass, it must be Australia”,wildchickenhunter, 12:54 PM, 08-19-03
• tee hee,trigirl, 01:22 PM, 08-20-03
• RE: Official Episode 12 Summary “ If it smells like ass, it must be Australia”,dajaki, 04:28 PM, 08-20-03

What a great summary. Tons of laughs--especially Kelly with
Jon's testicles in her backpack, reminder to get out your
halloween skeleton when she favored us with that big smile,
and the Karen Carpenter weight watchers diet. And Dan Rather...
Very funny.

Even though its Kelly’s “turn”, she pulls Jon’s testicles out of her backpack and gives them back to him so he can have his manly moment. He is grateful and does the dance of joy at having his “bits” back.

Great summary Esbea! I wondered how the summary writer was going to manage writing about this last most boring episode of Amazing Race ever, but you did a fantastic job!

A Kyngsladye Original

Tig_ger: The Holy Mother of Inclusion