This is the first thread that I have started. I need you guys. I got blasted on another site for the way that I handled this situation with my son. He is 4 and saw this on tv yesterday at preschool. He has lots of questions about the planes and the firetrucks (which he is fascinated by and always has been). I explained that a bad thing happened and that alot of people went to heaven yesterday. He asked about the children there (in NY). I told him that yes, some children lost their mommies and daddies and that we should say an extra prayer for those people. It was bedtime, so this prayer was part of his normal bedtime prayers. He did not have nightmares last night, but I am second guessing myself after the messages aimed at me on that other site.

• RE: Our children,dabo, 12:20 PM, 09-12-01
• RE: Our children,SherpaDave, 12:22 PM, 09-12-01
• RE: Our children,PeterTorque, 12:26 PM, 09-12-01
• My children,AyatollahKhomeini, 12:28 PM, 09-12-01
• RE: Our children,northernlights, 12:37 PM, 09-12-01
• RE: Our children,ItzLisa, 12:45 PM, 09-12-01
• RE: Our children,Drive My Car, 01:02 PM, 09-12-01
  • Thanks, Buggy,AyatollahKhomeini, 01:27 PM, 09-12-01
• RE: Our children,mistofleas, 01:06 PM, 09-12-01
  • Hey, Misto,boomerang, 05:24 PM, 09-12-01
• RE: Our children,dangerkitty, 01:09 PM, 09-12-01
• RE: Our children,PepeLePew13, 01:21 PM, 09-12-01
  • RE: Our children,Goldielocks, 01:36 PM, 09-12-01
• RE: Our children,SkyRaider, 02:09 PM, 09-12-01
• my two cents and an article from ABC news,Lisapooh, 03:21 PM, 09-12-01
• RE: Our children,LadyT, 03:46 PM, 09-12-01
• RE: Our children,VampKira, 03:53 PM, 09-12-01
• RE: Our children,boomerang, 05:20 PM, 09-12-01
• RE: Our children,aymelek, 06:00 PM, 09-12-01

Seems to me that you handled the situation very well, Goldielocks. Young children deserve to have their questions answered truthfully. The people at the preschool should not have had the television on the news coverage where the children could watch it all.

"If the race of man should be left naked upon a desert island, we should become extinct in six weeks. A few individuals might linger, but in a year would become worse than monkeys." (Samuel Butler, "Erewhon")

Goldie, first of all, welcome. Great to see some fresh new faces around here.

Personally, I think you did a wonderful thing with your son. You didn't lie to him about what had happened, and although it might mean tougher things for his young mind right now, it only deepens the trust he has in you as he grows. I'm relieved that my boys aren't old enough yet to have understood anything of the images on TV. My oldest only got upset when I tried to change the stationn from his cartoons. Anyway, you could've made up stories about what happened or ignored his questions, but telling the truth in a way that he could understand... I think you did the right thing.

LAST EDITED ON 09-12-01 AT 12:27 PM (EST)

They're going to hear about it from other kids at school, so you can't hide it from them. I'm sure it's hard for them to realize what we as children growing up during the cold war already knew, and that is that the world is not always a safe place. Some of the TV images are pretty rough for kids. I was with my daughters and we saw the second plane hit the tower on live TV before I even knew what was going on, so much for trying to shield them. I think they're likening it to a movie, sort of a coping mechanism.

My children also had some description of the events at school. Both of them know that I work in a high-rise building, and their first reaction to seeing the WTC footage was that "a lot of daddies work in that building." I tried to cut it down to their main worry: that no one was going to fly a plane into my building and that I was going to be all right.

But I also told them (in response to their question) that all the people on the planes died, and they saw the pictures of people jumping out of windows to their deaths. I told them that some bad people from a faraway country had come to our country and done a very bad thing, but that most of those bad people were still in the faraway country.

I guess my approach boils down to telling them about the bad thing (and yes, they understood that some children had lost a mommy or a daddy) but reassuring them that it wouldn't happen to them or their family (although, of course, it could ... but they are too young, at 5 or 4, to be able to handle that uncertainty). Was it the right approach? I don't know, but it seemed preferable to tell them as much of the truth as I could, while trying to address what I saw as their fears.

This morning, on the way to preschool, my younger daughter (4)said, "If I had been in a building that the plane hit, I wouldn't have jumped out the window. I would have walked down the stairs, and I would have walked away from the building after I got out so it wouldn't fall on me." So, to me, it sounded like she's found a way to deal with what she saw -- relating it to the way that she would survive such a catastrophe.

Sounds to me like you handled the situation just fine. I am the mother of one grown son and always found that honesty was best when dealing with tough explanations. Some adults try to shield children from so many bad experiences that they grow up not knowing how to cope with bad things when they happen to them personally. I tried to answer honestly only the questions that he asked about, and not to give him too much extra information. I found that he was often quite satified with simple answers and just went on about his business. Hopefully your child will as well. Really it is your call about how to raise your child and don't be upset by others who are critical of your decisions.

Let's all pray that there will be survivors found and you could emphasize the positive to your child!

lt

Goldie, first of all, welcome to the boards, though I'm sorry your first new posts are under such horrible circumstances.

It sounds to me like you handled that beautifully. I'm sorry you got blasted on the other sites, but that just shows you where to post from now on - we have our ups and downs here too, but it's all mostly mature minded grownups with children (although I don't have kids) who are in the same boat you are - how to gently explain it to them without scaring them but so they understand. Sounds like you did a fine job.

****************************************

I agree that you did the right thing, and understand you questioning your judgement later ( so hard to know sometimes how to handle things with kids)
I did much the same with my own child, who at nine got that this was huge, so I was honest, but did some tiptoeing ( turned off the TV in the front room and didn't say the word HiJack) We did feel it was important that she see the Presidents statement with us.I am sure she will have more questions when she gets home from school.

What I really wanted to say Goldielocks, is thank you for opening up this discussion, it is an important one.

EBug

Nice to see you AK

Good to see all of you as well! OK, now I have to return to my mounds of work that kept me here until 1:15 AM Monday night (Tuesday morning) but which seemed so unimportant yesterday....

I second and third the welcome to our boards Goldielocks and I am also sorry that it is surrounded by sadness.

Everyone has a different way of dealing with their children. That is what makes up the beautiful diversity we have in our personalities. I for one think that you handled the situation beautifully. Death and such tragic events are not easy to explain to a child, but he had questions and you are his parent. Honesty is what a child deserves. You were not graphic in your explaination, you gave him the truth. I commend you for that. I'm sorry that this other board judged and chastised you.

Of course all of this is sage advice and comments from a woman who has no or any intention of having children.

mistofleas

I sent you an email a little while back, but didn't get a reply. Please drop me a note when you get a chance.

Goldielocks, welcome.

I don't have kids myself, and I have thought about what this must be like for those of you with children of different ages - a whole additional set of challenges. I think you did a great job in the way you chose to handle it. What did these people on another site think you should have done instead? (you don't have to answer that - unless you want to, of course - I just am asking myself that).

Another reason I am thankful that you were honest with your child: the younger generations are growing up with violent movies, video games, etc., and amazing special effects as part of their normal experience. If adults aren't honest about what this really means in terms of the human toll, it might just get lumped in with what they are used to seeing in the "unreality" of movies and such. It seems crucial to me that no one confuse this with "special effects", not at any age. And the sooner kids learn the real results of violence, the better off we all will be.

dangerkitty

Hi Goldie... very glad to have you here at our site and hopefully you'll quickly find out that we have a very understanding and respectful group here.

It sounds to me like you handled it about as well as anyone could humanely expect in a situation like this. There are no manuals that came with the children when they were born, so you've got to trust your instincts and do what you feel is best for them, so you can't let these other people bother you since you told them the truth without making it sound truly ugly. You strike me as a very sensible parent raising the children in a good way, so don't let that other site influence you.

I am quite amazed that the preschool would have this on TV where children could see what is happening. There are some who will get scared and take it in the wrong context if they're hearing all those scary words (terrorism, bomb, fire, crash, people jumping out of windows, etc.) -- they should be with their parents and have it explained by them.

Our kids asked why their mommy was crying at the TV and we explained to the little one that some bad people did a terrible thing to innocent people in another city -- he shrugged and went off to play (he's 4) and the girl (age 7) talked to us briefly about it and we just tried to keep it as simple as possible saying almost the same thing that you said, Goldie, without mentioning the "gone to heaven" part -- simply saying that a lot of people passed away and a lot of damage was done to a very important building in New York.

"Permit me to introduce myself. I am Pepe Le Pew, your lover."

Thanks for the support. I always thought that this was a great board, now I know where I'll stay.

I think that the way you handled it was perfect under the circumstances. I'm sure that he must have heard the daycare people talking to one another about how horrible it was, etc. and your talk with him was very reassuring. The little ones can read and feel our emotions and body language would know that something was wrong, no matter what was said. You did a great job!

Welcome Goldie - hope you stay! I struggled with this too (my daughter is 5). Children deserve to be told the truth and they also deserve to be sheltered from realitities they can't fully process or understand (like any of us could understand this).

Anyway, McKenna wanted to talk about it, a lot. She wanted to see on the map where it happened and she wanted to talk to her relatives that live other places. We did all that. She wanted to tell them what she saw. I think for her, like for many of us, talking about it was therapeutic and helpful.

McKenna really wanted to draw pictures of it - maybe this will help your kids too. Especially since it is so hard to verbalize what we feel about this.

It astonished me how much she took in. She drew two buildings with fire coming out in the background and a picture of herself and me holding hands with a rainbow-colored circle around us.(because God put it there, she said)

I think all most kids (and most of us for that matter) want to feel is safe. We have to do whatever we can do to reassure them. But I had to really try to not force my anxieties onto her too. Honestly, she was probably more upset that I postponed out weekly visit to Chuck E. Cheese than she was about this. She is still just a child with a limited perspective.

So anyway, here's the article - with "expert" quotes. I think we're all doing the right things.

Parents should expect children to be filled with a lot of questions and concerns following the devastating terrorist attacks on New York and Washington. The experts also advise parents to be upfront and honest when explaining what has happened.

But they recommend that the information be age-appropriate, handled gently, and be explained in terms children will understand.

"One way you could explain it," says Bennett Leverthal, director of child and adolescent psychology at the University of Chicago, is that "there are people at school who misbehave, and they don't use civil ways to solve things, they fight, and that's wrong. But, explain to them that their friends aren't terrorists."

Provide Reassurance

After talking about these violent events, parents should immediately make sure their children feel safe by reassuring them that they're not in danger.

"Kids are going to be very concerned about what's going to happen to them and their family," says Harold Fishbein, a child psychologist at the University of Cincinnati. "Tell them, yes,
everyone is at risk for something like this to happen to them, but the risk is extremely small."

Also, talk about what is happening in the aftermath of the events.

"Keep children informed of all steps being taken to rescue and help the survivors, and to find the people who are responsible," says Lawrence Balter, a psychology professor at New York
University. "Also, invite them to openly express their anxiety and fear, and reassure them that their actions are understandable."

Good Morning America's Dr. Tim Johnson said that teenagers may have an apparently inappropriate response, such as using glib language. "That's just their way of handling it," he said.

To Deal With Television Footage

No doubt the airwaves will be filled with more and more horrifying footage in the days to come. Most experts say it's OK for children to watch, but advise parents to sit with them and explain what is happening, to help them make sense of it all.

"It may be helpful to limit the amount of television they watch," says Jeff Brown, a psychologist at McLean Hospital in Massachusetts.

"But, then again it's a piece of history. If kids are prone to anxiety, then limit the amount of television. Keep in mind that as adults, we have better resources to make sense of things."

Johnson said parents should limit smaller children's access to potentially traumatic television images. "Don't let them see these pictures on a repetitive basis."

Are you my sister Nancy? My nephew, also 4, saw the TV and asked questions about it. My brother in law is National Guard and a volenteer firefighter and my nephew was fascinated by the firetrucks and such. He asked, and they said much the same thing. He was fine with the responses, and was only upset that he wasn't going to watch his cartoon since they wanted to watch the news. He then played rescue heroes.

Don't listen to the other people. What you did was the right thing for you and your child.

Welcome Goldielocks....

My children (ages 12 and 8) watched it on TV at school as well. They knew mommy and daddy were in Manhattan at the time.. and I have to say.. I am a bit livid that the school would show that... although I DO understand why they did. But we purposely didn't let them know what was going on, because we didn't want them to worry. Their grandmothers were going to tell them that we were ok, and on our way back..but instead.. the had to worry throughout a whole school day... Grrrrr....

"I fear all I have done is awakened a sleeping giant and filled him
with a terrible resolve."
--Admiral Yamamoto after the bombing of Pearl Harbor.

"Come to me. Come to me because only I, and my like, can end the lonliness you feel." - The Vampire Lestat

Du ar min hjälte, Supermänniska

Welcome, Goldielocks,

I can't offer any advice as a parent, because I don't have any children of my own. I was listening to a psychologist on the t.v. today, and much of his advice about what to tell the children mirrored what has already been said. If I remember correctly, he said the thing that concerns children the most is their immediate safety and the safety of their parents. They want to know that things will be all right in their own little world. He did say that children around five years old and younger shouldn't even be watching the news. They have a different perception than adults, and have a hard time understanding what's real and what's not. They may be confused by the constant replaying of the plane crashes, thinking that it's happening again and again. We, as adults, know that it's not true, but some children don't understand how video tape replays work.

I'm glad that you posted this, as it gives other people a chance
to see how others are reacting to the situation. We have many intelligent, thoughtful, and compassionate people here, and you will find that we often offer up advice or comfort when someone needs it.

LAST EDITED ON 09-12-01 AT 06:08 PM (EST)

Welcome Goldie & Northern Lights....I hope you find our little community as valuable as I have.

I don't have children of my own, but I know that children are pacified a little with small, but significant ritualistic ceremonies in times like these. I volunteer in a children's hospital, and each year we have a special camp retreat for the heart patients for the weekend. Not every child makes it back each year, and it devastates the children who are left behind (with similar problems) who knew the child or children who had passed. We have candle lighting ceremonies and interfaith prayer circles. One ceremony in particular stands out in my mind & seemed to comfort the children. We all had a candle-lighting ceremony, having the candles represent the people who were lost. We then took a large piece of tree bark, lit a small (birthday) candle & stuck it with wax to the bottom of the bark, carried it to the riverbank and let it go down the river at dusk. It helped the child let go of the pain they were feeling and was a beautiful way to remember the lost souls...just a thought.