LAST EDITED ON 10-25-01 AT 06:39 PM (EST)

Love Cruise: The Maiden Voyage Episode 7
“Lei Me Down”

Yeah, I know, you’re expecting some clown. Hey, anyone involved with this show is a clown, in my book.

So what would make a clown shake on this show anyway? Michael’s not getting much sex, at least in the edited version. In fact, if not for Toni’s perpetual rut (rhymes with slut), there wouldn’t be any sex on the show at all, and she’ll do it on a boat and do it with a goat before she’ll “clown around.”

Anyway, I should acknowledge that the clown has given us a teensy amount of humor over the past six months. This is my last chance to “reward” him for it. Bombs away.

When we last left the whores, everyone was stranded on Loser Island … uh-huh, like we believe that only losers go to Aruba. I don’t think Bunim-Murray Productions ever thought this show through. If the idea was to have hot sex and passion, then the WINNERS should have been on Aruba, while the losers were doing the cruise thing after being cast off the island. Maybe they could sink the boat when just Toni and Anthony were aboard. But nooo! There already is a show like that -- Temptation Island –- and BMP doesn’t want to copy someone else’s show, because it might look like they don’t know what they're doing. Instead, they made up their own show, and by gum, there’re going to prove that they don’t know what they’re doing. So now everyone is on Aruba, while Basically-Moronic Productions is doing a last-minute rewrite of the rules, federal law and network standards and practices be damned.

Only two couples are going to get back on the boat as contestants; the rest will be boarding as jurors. Through great play and some astute writhing as human juicers (in a good imitation of a new Latin dance), the “ChiTown Alliance” of Beauty and the Beast, Me-lissome and Me-cow, have managed to make it all the way to the finals with their partners, Darin and Jeannette respectively. But each of their partners holds a “switch” card and could dump the ChiTowners right on their windy keesters. What drama.

If they don’t use the switch cards, we’ve got a great vote coming up. Everybody on Loser Island hates at least one of the final four. Some hate all four of them. Could we see another “snakes and rats” speech? The tension between these whores is so thick that they can’t even wait to get back on the boat to start duking it out.

But it isn’t just about the money. Everyone is happy making nada, while the winners make $100,000 each, aren’t they? Sure they are. You’re dealing with Basically-Moronic Productions here, people who are very experienced at cheap casting, and who already knew that some people will whore themselves for free.

Sixteen such people are in this show. Fourteen of them will get nothing except a scarred reputation.

OK, it IS just about the money. No one wants to be a cheap whore. Except Toni.

We pick up where we left off, with Phoni-Baloni throwing a screaming tantrum directed at J-Ho, after Anthony tells Phoni that someone trashed her in the last Hot Seat for offering a bribe. Phoni is shocked, shocked, to find out that someone could say that about her. She never did any such thing. So she immediately marches off to confront Melissa about it and screams, while doing her best Popeye imitation, that she doesn’t know anything about a $20K bribe offer. Uh, Phoni? Assphony didn’t tell you the dollar amount when he told you that someone accused you of offering a bribe. You don’t need to be Columbo to know that someone is playing fast and loose with the truth here.

But Phoni doesn’t care. Her reputation has been besmirched, and she thinks that if she yells loud enough and long enough, people will believe her words instead of their own lying eyes. Right. So she marches out and confronts J-Ho. Time for the famous eye-popping scene, when she tries to stick her enormous surgically-enhanced mammaries in J-Ho’s eyes, while popping her own eyes out of their sockets. Must have been from the strain of seeing J-Ho over those twin man-made falsies. Geez, if Mark Burnett were doing this show, he probably would have had a product placement for the Wonderbra right after this.

J-Ho doesn’t back down one bit from Popeye. And why should she? Perhaps because Phoni’s nipples are registered as a lethal weapon with the Chicago Police? But J-Ho shows great courage standing up to this lunatic. In her mind, she’s faced worse –- after all, she’s been sleeping in the same room with Mikey.

Phoni tells J-Ho that she still loves her and still wants her to win. Then, behind her back, she tells the camera that there is no way she wants J-Ho to win. Hey there, bimbo – do the words “two-faced” mean anything to you? No wonder she had her chest inflated to Goodyear-esque levels; it’s the only way any man would spend more than two minutes in her company.

OK, time for the switch card ceremony. Mikey tells J-Ho to boot him if it gives her a better chance to win. J-Ho looks at the other men. Let’s see, there’s Assphony, who started this whole brouhaha. Greg, who caught Lord only knows how many different kinds of VD from hooking up with Phoni. Ralph, who made us all want to ralph by double-crossing the ChiAlli. Oh, what about Tony the guy, who has his hair cut in a brand new Mohawk. Real sexy look. And there’s Sideshow Bob … who? And last but definitely least, Adrian. Given the choices, it’s easy to understand why J-Ho ripped up the switch card. So did Darin. BMP got what they said they wanted – two couples who chose to be together in the final vote. Everyone is happy, right? Time to get on the boat and wrap this puppy up, right?

Julie/Justintime, the gender-challenged host, comes out to round all the whores up. He tells them to form into couples, because…

WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?

In the … single dumbest moment … in the short history of reality TV, Joustin tells the whores that a third team will be voted back into the game. OK, please explain this to me: couples connive to stay on the boat and make enemies along the way … and then, at the very end, someone else is put back in to compete against the connivers. Someone who DIDN’T connive to stay on the boat. Someone who probably doesn’t have any enemies. PLEASE tell me how this makes sense. But you can’t. It doesn’t. This show has just fallen, and it can’t get up.

The happy whores don’t care. They form into pairs. And the lucky couple is … Adrian, yeah, OK, and … Gina? Gina? Didn’t she get booted in the FIRST episode? Isn’t she the Queen of Loser Island? What, did she do all the crew to get this chance?

Mikow and J-Ho look as happy as if they were standing at Ground Zero. Mikow says that the A & G got voted back in because they conducted themselves with class and dignity. Cut to Gina on her knees offering free servicing in exchange for votes. She concludes that she and Adrian have an excellent chance of winning. Yeah, even someone as dense as Gina could see how stupid this is; why couldn’t BMP?

OK, now everyone finally boards the boat for a final Hot Seat. J-Ho and Mikow go first, as the producers obviously know they have no chance of winning and just want to get them off the stage. Toni’s acolyte, Andrea, asks J-Ho how she could possibly believe that the beloved PhoniBaloni would ever try to bribe someone as lowly and unfit to be in Phoni’s presence as herself? J-Ho says that she heard it and saw it. Android insists that she needs more evidence than that. Be honest … had anyone realized before this moment that Android was one of the original O.J. jurors?

Mikow’s session in the Hot Seat produces one “sympathetic” question, from Tomiko, who asks him if he thinks he’s hurting J-Ho’s chances of winning. That’s a sympathetic question? Geez, I’d hate to hear an antagonistic one. Oh, but I just have to wait, don’t I?

Nobody asks Adrian anything, since they’re all afraid of him, except for Phoni, who wants to know if he forgives her for not using the switch card to save him. Adrian, who understands the difference between first ($100K) and second ($0) quite well, promptly lies that he does. Phoni collapses in gratitude, flopping over onto her back as usual before the producers stop her in the act of pulling down her shorts. Some habits are hard to break, I guess. The Va-Gina Monologues make for a good snoozefest. Same for Darintintin, who calls Melly his “friend for life.” Wow, Melly’s got him wrapped around her little finger without even having sex with him. She must be one hot babe. That, or Darin’s just wimpy.

Last up comes Melissa herself. Assphony decides to go after her about her boyfriend until she breaks down. Guess he can’t believe that she didn’t swoon over him after seeing his tattoos. She calls him a “joke.” Ah, c’mon, Melly, we know you can do better than that. How about calling him a “lamebrained, subhuman form of pond scum that pollutes everything it touches”? Better, but it still disrespects pond scum, which is clearly a higher life form than the Tattooed Man is.

Melly finishes off by telling people not to vote for her. On that note, the three finalist couples are sent below deck so that the others can deliberate. Gina says, over and over, “We have a good chance of winning this.” I guess having an actual idea was too much for her brain to handle, and so all she could do was spew out the same eight words repeatedly. Melissa and J-Ho talk, and Melissa is actually crying on the bed. Melissa tells a very moving story about imagining that your dad dies in your arms … and even I teared up during this (true or not), so I need to get back to something less moving. Oh, right, the voting. Good choice.

The final three couples come back on deck. Julie/Justin tells them that they are going to get laid. Say what? Oops, they are going to get “lei”-ed; each of the loser whores will put a lei around the neck of the couple that he or she wants to win. Another prop that must have cost $1.99 at K-mart for the whole set of ‘em.

Ralph and Phoni vote first. Now, this ought to be easy, right? Both of them were in the ChiTown alliance with Melissa and Michael, right? So Ralph gets up there first and votes for … Adrian and Gina. This is just a little bit strange … first Android does Phoni’s bidding, and now Railf? What, did they have some hot ménage-e-trois and became her sex slaves? Or are they just too dumb to think for themselves? Anyway, Phoni and Android also vote for Gina and Adrian, making it three to nothing/nothing. Injun Tony, trying to bring some sense back to this show before it spins completely out of control, makes a plea to vote for the team that played the best and then votes for Darin and Melissa. But Assphony is next, and all he knows is that he got booted by the ChiTowners. Assphony votes with the idjuts for Gina and Adrian. 4-1-0. The idjuts need just two more votes, and Gina would win. Around America, Sonja, Debb and Diane all hold their breath and pray for the worst to end up first.

Then, suddenly, the stoopid-person-parade ends (Yea!). Greg votes for Darin and Melissa, showing that he understood which part of his anatomy was shared with Toni and which parts weren’t. Sideshow Bob and Tomiko also vote for the distaff member of ChiTown. Next up comes Laura, who votes the same way. 5 for Melissa and Darin, 4 for Adrian and Gina, zip for M & J. Last vote: Lisa. She moans how much she loves Gina (hmmm, a little "bi" action there? thecaptain would have loved it.) ... and gives Gina the lei, making it a tie. Mikey and J-Ho join the jury, and the other two couples go below decks. Julie/Justin talks about the need for redebate. Assphony says no one is changing their vote. The final couples come back. It’s still 5-5.

J-Ho votes for … hey, come on, is there any doubt? Mikey says that what he’s about to do will make him feel better than anything he’s ever done in his life. Well, when you finish next-to-last in your class at law school and then make your living as an apprentice ambulance-chaser in Daddy’s firm, even buying dental floss is one of the high points in your life, so I’ll just skip all of that and go straight to the outcome: they both vote for Darin and Melissa. Darin and Melissa hug, as Gina resolves to drop to her knees twice as many times during her next bid for fame.

And, as a little cheesy footage runs at the end raising phony expectations that Darin and Melissa might be a real couple, Love Cruise: The Maiden Voyage finally makes drydock, leaking water in many places, and with a huge torpedo hole in the hull below the water line that was inflicted during this episode. Let’s see, what needs to be fixed before it can sail again? The rules? The host? The challenges? The “balls of shame”? Everything except for the casting? Barely-Moving Productions doesn’t care. If they did care, they would never have launched this crew before they thought through the rules.

And so we bid "adios" to shakes, though hopefully not for good. Please check back in every so often as you advance to the next pillar of media whoredom. And to all the rest of you, thanks for taking the “cruise” with us.

• RE: UNofficial SB E7 SUMMARY: "Lei Me Down",dabo, 02:39 AM, 10-25-01
  • RE: UNofficial SB E7 SUMMARY: "Lei Me Down",Thrill Seeker, 10:44 AM, 10-25-01
• RE: UNofficial SB E7 SUMMARY: "Lei Me Down",southgal1, 11:05 AM, 10-25-01
• RE: UNofficial SB E7 SUMMARY: "Lei Me Down",MakeItStop, 01:02 PM, 10-25-01
• RE: UNofficial SB E7 SUMMARY: "Lei Me Down",janisella, 01:44 PM, 10-25-01
• besmirched,deebo, 02:39 PM, 10-25-01
• RE: UNofficial SB E7 SUMMARY: "Lei Me Down",Outfrontgirl, 04:04 AM, 10-26-01
  • Good heavens!,AyaK, 10:25 AM, 10-26-01
    • RE: Good heavens!,LadyT, 06:29 PM, 10-26-01
    • Delay,AyaK, 04:48 PM, 10-29-01
• RE: UNofficial SB E7 SUMMARY: "Lei Me Down",sleeeve, 08:10 PM, 10-28-01
• RE: UNofficial SB E7 SUMMARY: "Lei Me Down",Mumbo Jumbo, 02:30 PM, 11-02-01
  • True,AyaK, 08:42 PM, 11-02-01
    • what a history...,Outfrontgirl, 03:14 AM, 11-03-01
• RE: UNofficial SB E7 SUMMARY: "Lei Me Down",dangerkitty, 11:24 PM, 11-10-01
• RE: UNofficial SB E7 SUMMARY: "Lei Me Down",VampKira, 02:20 PM, 11-15-01

Let's make this official! Great one AK, thanks.

SMILES ARE FREE.

"If the race of man should be left naked upon a desert island, we should become extinct in six weeks. A few individuals might linger, but in a year would become worse than monkeys." (Samuel Butler, "Erewhon")

Excellent summary Ayak.
The show had fallen and "couldn't get up", hence the "balls of shame".
If everything was completely different except the cast, this could have been a decent show. Such a pity.

Thanks so much for writing this summary Ayak, I was laughing out loud. Even though the show was a disappointment on so many levels, it was worth watching just to see the cast become such great fodder for mockery. Like lambs lining up for the satire and spoofing slaughterhouse.

My favorite parts:

>You’re dealing with Basically-Moronic Productions
>here, people who are very
>experienced at cheap casting, and
>who already knew that some
>people will whore themselves for
>free.
>
>Sixteen such people are in this
>show. Fourteen of them
>will get nothing except a
>scarred reputation.
>
>OK, it IS just about the
>money. No one wants
>to be a cheap whore.
> Except Toni.
>

>J-Ho doesn’t back down one bit
>from Popeye. And why
>should she? Perhaps because
>Phoni’s nipples are registered as
>a lethal weapon with the
>Chicago Police? But J-Ho
>shows great courage standing up
>to this lunatic. And
>why not? She’s faced
>worse – she’s been sleeping
>in the same room with
>Mikey.
>
>
.
>This show has just fallen,
>and it can’t get up.
>
> So true, so true... Too bad the only help that is on the way is TI2.
>>

>
Injun
>Tony, makes a plea to
>vote for the team that
>played the best … and
>he votes for Darin and
>Melissa. Assphony votes with
>the idjuts for Gina and
>Adrian. 4-1-0. All
>the idjuts need are two
>more votes, and Gina would
>win. Around America, Sonja,
>Debb and Diane all hold
>their breath and pray for
>the worst to end up
>first.
>
Injun Tony!!!! LMAO!!! At least Gina didn't look like a poor man's Big Bird (ie. Diane)

And many more, thanks again Ayak.

Another great summary Aya! From the very beginning -- starting with the title -- to the very end! And I loved the reference to thecaptain.

AyaK, this was another excellent piece of work. I hope Shakes was lurking enough to catch it.

You guys are good!!!

I never would have thought that I would have this much fun at this site...

That's either praise directed towards the wit, intelligence and sense of humor of the "board members", or a sad commentary on the status of my social life...

AyaK,
You are turning into a downright steamy summary writer? Or is that seamy? With this show there was more of the latter...

This was truly inspired:
>>Android insists that she needs more evidence than that. Be honest … had anyone realized before this moment that Android was one of the original O.J. jurors?

ROFLMAO The whole summary was fantastic and flat-out funny as hell.

OK, so now my problem is you quoted a song (right?) that I don't know in your title and it's driving me crazy (crazier). I keep hearing Robert Hunter's "To Lay Me Down" but that's such a sweet song. Then there's Kate Wolf's "Lay Me Down Easy," but that seems unlikely too. "Lay Down Your Weary Tune?" Know you know that one as you've quoted it... The best I could come up with (to suit LC) was Karla Bonoff's "Someone To Lay Down Beside Me":

But your love it's a common occurence
Not like love that I feel in my heart
Still you know that may be what I need

Is someone to lay down beside me
And even though it's not real
Just someone to lay down beside me
You're the story of my life

Yeah, I think I heard them humming that to each other at night.
Seriously though, which song did you have in mind?

OFG, how did you know I quoted a song title? You're right, and I'll come back and tell the story of that song ("Lay Me Down" by Badfinger) a little later, but either I'm becoming too predictable or you know me too well!

AyaK, awesome as usual. You crack me up

OFG, when I say the title, I too started hearing a song. It wasn't one of those, for I don't know everything like AyaK does. The song going through my head? "Lay you Down" by Bon Jovi. I don't even know if that is the correct title, because I sing a different version.

I'm gonna lay you down
on a bed with Moses.

or I'm gonna lay me down
with Fred and Moses

Beatrice, get yee to Heaven, heres no place for you maids...and away to Saint Peter's for the Heavens, he shows me where the bachelors sit, and there live we as merry as the day is long -Much Ado About Nothing

LAST EDITED ON 10-29-01 AT 07:21 PM (EST)

The reason for using "Lay Me Down" by Badfinger as the title of this episode is both because the lyrics kinda fit (I'll post them later, when I have a chance to write them down -- no, I can't find them on the Web) and because the song has a story of delay and disappointment that goes along with it. Badfinger (Pete Ham, Tom Evans, Mike Gibbons and new member Bob Jackson) recorded this song as a "comeback" single in 1974. Unfortunately, due to litigation between their manager (Stan Polley, who was one of the biggest crooks in the history of the music business and robbed them blind) and WB Records, their label after leaving Apple, the song -- and the album Head First that included it -- was never released. Shortly thereafter, Pete Ham committed suicide, and then several years later Tom Evans also committed suicide. The album was finally released -- in a version drawn from a cassette tape of the rough mix -- in spring 2001.

Ham and Evans left a brilliant songwriting and performing legacy behind them: "Without You" (the Nilsson/Mariah Carey hit, which they wrote and originally performed), "No Matter What", "Day After Day", "Baby Blue", "Come and Get It" (which they only performed), "Carry On Till Tomorrow" (the opening title song in "Magic Christian Music" and a great Paul McCartney production), etc. But delay and lack of promotion, combined with the looting of their funds, led to despair.

As far as I know, no one on Love Cruise had their funds looted, and the delay in airing the episodes was much less than 27 years. Nevertheless, I thought that delay and lack of promotion provided real parallels between Badfinger's experience with "Lay Me Down" and Michael's experience with Love Cruise.

Wonderful summary, AyaK!!! Thanks... loved every moment of it.

Somehow, this makes the worst reality show in the history of television a little more palatable.

Thanks again!

Great summary AyaK. I've finally gotten around to reading it. Loved all the digs on Toni and Gina because they so richly deserved them. You're such a sweetheart to everyone on the boards, your scathing commentary here is both surprising and doubly amusing.

That story about Badfinger is just heart-wrenching. When you hear of a couple of guys starting up a band, the anticipated ending might be poverty or failure, but not success then poverty and suicide. It stinks.

LAST EDITED ON 11-02-01 AT 08:43 PM (EST)

>Loved all the digs on Toni and Gina because they
>so richly deserved them. You're such a sweetheart to everyone
>on the boards, your scathing commentary here is both
>surprising and doubly amusing.

I'm always fairly nasty in my summaries -- my role model for tone is my ex-sister-in-law, who always wanted to show off how sophisticated she was by blasting everyone else (and was frequently quite funny in the process). But this show received more than the normal amount of venom, because I really do think of Toni and Gina as ranking at most one small step above whoredom. I edited this a couple of times, but then I just decided to let the chips fall where they may.

>That story about Badfinger is just heart-wrenching. When you
>hear of a couple of guys starting up a band, the
>anticipated ending might be poverty or failure, but not success
>then poverty and suicide. It stinks.

Yeah, Badfinger is the ultimate rock-and-roll nightmare story. I actually saw them perform twice while Pete Ham was still alive, and I couldn't figure out what was going on with their career at the time. I mean, this was a band that played with George Harrison and Bob Dylan at the Concert for Bangladesh! This was a band with several hugely successful hit singles and what should have been a stream of songwriting royalties. Then the Pete Ham suicide, the lawsuits, the botched reunion, the Tom Evans suicide, more lawsuits, some very unjust settlements, more lawsuits ... it's simply the worst music story I've ever heard, and I've heard a lot of them.

At the time of "Magic Christian Music", their first album, Badfinger was a trio of Pete, Tom and Mike Gibbins. Here's a couple of quotes from Mike, during an interview about an independent album he released this year:

INTERVIEWER- At this point, do you trust anyone?
MIKE - No. I don't trust anyone. I'm happy selling a few hundred CD's versus the pressure of any lawsuits.

INTERVIEWER - Do <your kids> show much curiosity about your past?
MIKE - Well, they watched "Behind The Music" <NOTE: a show on Badfinger aired in April> and didn't say much. I don't say to them, "Half my band killed themselves and we got ripped off." I don't say that to them.

Instead of retelling the whole story that led to this mess, I'll simply recommend a book by Dan Matovina entitled "Without You: The Tragic Story of Badfinger."

Thanks for this sad but important story, Aya. I did not know any of this. The band sounds wonderful and somehow I missed them. That period when they came out was a time when I was raising two toddlers and a lot of crises and not tuning in to new music I guess. By the time I tuned back in their window must have closed.

As usual, asking you a question pays off with extra value!
I love a great analogy and this definitely works for LC--except that Shakes shall not only survive but thrive, I would hope.

I wanted to add that your tone is perfect--something to emulate.
The subjects of your sarcasm deserved all that and more, plus you demonstrated to Shakes that you're more than up to the job of pulling off a full-on Shakes number on Shakes/Mike, which is only fair after the way he treated Aya Probe in Shakesvivor! All in fun and friendship of course.

Oh man, better late than never I guess. AyaK,this is terrific! Oooooh, I love it when you're evil! LMAO. Toni, Anthony, and Gina got what they deserved from you, and I love it! Plenty of great lines and wicked reads of these folks, and of BMP. Thank you, thank you!

dangerkitty
Goddess of Words

AK.. I finally saw this and WOW.. It's wonderful!!! ROFL!

Unfortunately, I missed the last Ep, and was pretty upset that I did. But after reading this... (OMG!! I LOVED the way you ripped on 'ole balloon breasts!!!! I HATED her!) I am glad I didn't watch it because it would have pissed me off... screwing with the ending like that...

Poor, poor clown... *hugs shakes*

"The sun is going down. The jungle comes alive. The beast is waking up..To take another life." - Kiss 'The Jungle'

"Just die, Frank..." - Lindsey, S3

*wink*