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"Snark time! Dave White's hilarious recaps of all things AI--enjoy! (Contains adult content) "
Posted by zazzy on 03-14-09 at 10:03 AM
Dave White hilariously recaps American Idol with a snarky flair. So far this season, though, there are only 3 recaps and one editorial. You have been warned--Dave White writes for adults!:

1) "Sexual Chacolate" (sic): http://www.advocate.com/exclusive_detail_ektid70897.asp

..." The guy named Anoop who sings really well but who’s already bucking for Randy to refer to him as “Noop-Dawg.” What’s the word I’m looking for to describe my personal feelings about that sort of thing? I know it rhymes with “hate.” When it comes to me I’ll let you know."

..."And finally, my favorite part of both shows is the David Cook commercial for ... it’s a mystery. He walks in the rain, signs an autograph, plops himself down on a hotel room bed, purses his lips, then he does it all in reverse. Is it for umbrellas? Backward things? Sharpies? Red neckties? Minibar macadamia nuts at the Ramada? Lipstick? Oh, OK, it’s a commercial for American Idol. During American Idol. BUT I’M ALREADY WATCHING. "

2) "Slouching Toward Paula Abdul": http://www.advocate.com/exclusive_detail_ektid71515.asp

Here's what he had to say about Adam's audition:

..."Adam Wicked. His name is Adam and he’s been in the Los Angeles cast of Wicked. I want to set fire to his hair. It’s that messy, asymmetrical thing that works on Christian Siriano and certain women but almost no one else. It makes me face-punchingly angry. Am I wrong for feeling that way? I don’t think I am. Anyway, he sings. He’s good. The judges call him “theatrical.” Translation: “How many d!(% s have you sucked today?” Paula calls him “diverse,” which means nothing. And then the guy talks about how Paula was his first pop concert and then about “flying” and “blowing kisses in the wind.” I have stopped understanding any words exiting his mouth. "

3) "Singing Is Not Your Skeez": http://www.advocate.com/exclusive_detail_ektid72114.asp


..." I love Randy’s new crazy leopard-spot shoes. They look like props from The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas. "


This one is under the header of "Televison" instead of the usual header of "American Idol" which may explain why it is not the usual snarkfest but more of an editorial on AI:

Editorial: " "Tis the Season to be Gay on Idol?": http://www.advocate.com/exclusive_detail_ektid75059.asp

... "It's official -- Adam Lambert is in the top 11. But lizard pants and Pete Wentz hair notwithstanding, will American Idol producers slam the closet door on the show's "gayest" contestant yet?"


I hope Dave returns to his snarky best in the weeks ahead!

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"RE: Snark time! Dave White's hilarious recaps of all things AI--enjoy! (Contains adult content) "
Posted by zazzy on 03-21-09 at 12:44 PM
LAST EDITED ON 03-21-09 AT 01:46 PM (EST)

Found Dave White on a different site--so this is where the Dave White AI recaps are! They are shorter than his usual ones--but still have some snap. So much to catch up on:

ETA: in case anyone was concerned: the links are to "pop" no graphy, not "porn" o graphy

This week's recap:

http://www.popnography.com/2009/03/carrie-underwoods-wig-wins-this-week-on-american-idol.html

"But let’s talk about what’s really important: Underwood’s wig on elimination night. Wasn’t it great? Big and fluffy and marshmallow white like something Tammy Wynette Fed-Exed her from heaven. And the crumpled black construction paper snowflake resting on top was the perfect distraction from her duet partner Randy Travis’s sing-grimace. It was that strong a look."


Dsve on last week's double elimination:

http://www.popnography.com/2009/03/two-contestants-told-to-beat-it-on-american-idol.html


"The results show was where the real action was, as usual. That’s where they all sang “I Want You Back” together. And it’s where you got to see stuff like Kanye West pretending that he invented Daft Punk, a big blue hand towel hanging out of his back pocket suggesting that when he’s done changing your oil he’d like to check your wiper fluid. It’s also where best-Idol-ever Kelly Clarkson (pictured above) got to perform her track-marks-scratching addictive new single, “My Life Would Suck Without You” and show the kids how, if you have the skills to back it up, you can refuse to get rid of that caboose and eat all the baby back ribs at Chili’s you want. Go Kelly! "


Dave on the top 13:

http://www.popnography.com/2009/03/american-idols-lucky-13.html

For example: "Anoop Desai -- I am personally fully on board for any guy who jumps up on stage and has the balls to really emote with a Monica song. But when he did it the judges, who can be inscrutable sometimes, suddenly weren’t and I think it affected votes. He seems like one of those smart guys who’s hellbent on not being a kind of Revenge of the Nerds joke. I never vote because I’m super-lazy but I’ll be thinking good vote-thoughts for him."

From part way through the top 13 selection weeks:

http://www.popnography.com/2009/02/we-cant-get-no-satisfaction-from-american-idol-1.html


"...That’s why the results episode each week is always full of the best Idol moments. The vast reservoirs of pampered self-esteem drain away under the crushing disappointment of Baby’s First Major Rejection. There’s a lot of crying. A LOT of crying. Eight years in and there’s still nothing like it on TV."


From round one on the way to the top 13:

http://www.popnography.com/2009/02/american-idol-is-for-sissies.html

"Gokey (along with Sarver and that blonde girl whose name I refuse to learn until she’s at least in the Top 5) is in. And you’re obligated to love him. Look, you ARE. Just give in now. And you’re going to love him even if they have to show you picture after picture of his recently deceased wife to guilt you into it. And yes, it’s awful that he lost her a month before auditions. And yes, he’s not responsible for other people holding up pictures of her to the camera while he sings Mariah Carey’s “Hero.” But damn, AI! Take your foot off my neck!"


Enjoy!


"RE: Snark time! Dave White's hilarious recaps of all things AI--enjoy! (Contains adult content) "
Posted by zazzy on 03-28-09 at 07:29 AM
This week he talks about Adam, Allison, and Lil:

http://www.popnography.com/2009/03/american-idol-straightening-up-lambert.html

"RE: Snark time! Dave White's hilarious recaps of all things AI--enjoy! (Contains adult content) "
Posted by zazzy on 04-05-09 at 12:26 PM
LAST EDITED ON 04-05-09 AT 12:35 PM (EST)


I miss his longer AI write ups but there is still some snark and critique in the short ones.

http://www.popnography.com/2009/04/american-idol-its-just-soso-megan.html#more

For example:


"5. Lil Rounds sang Celine Dion’s "Surrender." I was rooting for her because I love Lil. But here’s the thing. There was this other girl this one time in a past season who also sang that song while she had the flu and no voice and seemed nearly dead on her feet. And her name was Kelly Clarkson. And she knocked it out of the park in a way that, should you go to YouTube and look at the clip, will still send shivers down your spine. So Lil, maybe you need to spend a little more time online doing your internet research and a little less time tending to your insanely adorable children. Better yet, just buy that littlest one a present because her awwwww-inspiring Randy-hugging totally saved your ##### this week."


Here's the you tube of Kelly he mentions:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4azhllaXzo

Catch Ryan's season one haircut and clothes; quick glimpse of Brian Dunkleman; and Simon looking much younger and more sincere.

"RE: Snark time! Dave White's hilarious recaps of all things AI--enjoy! (Contains adult content) "
Posted by zazzy on 04-10-09 at 03:27 PM
Dave dials up the snark this week:

http://www.popnography.com/2009/04/cant-get-american-idol-out-of-our-heads.html#more


Here's part:

"...Allison was the only person not born in the 80s, so she’s exempt from this criticism and Adam chose a song that was relatively obscure in this country, at least during the year of its release, but what Morning Zoo radio stations were the rest these kids listening to in the first decade of their existence?


I lived through the 80s ignoring bullsh)t like “Part Time Lover” (inexplicably praised beyond any reasonable person’s understanding by the judges when Matt made his pitchy way through it, gurgling and riffing it into a mulchy R&B compost heap) and Glass Tiger or White Lion or Michael Damian or whoever the fu(k it was who first performed “The Search is Over,” and I was kinda-sorta hoping I’d get to live out the rest of my days without every being reminded of that song’s existence again.

But no, Scott Macintyre, “inspiration to the entire world,” (Paula’s tearful words, not mine) you had to belch that one back into my brain again. And you DID IT BECAUSE YOU ACTUALLY LIKED IT AND WANTED US ALL TO SHARE YOUR PASSION FOR BLAND, FLAVORLESS CR@P.

"RE: Snark time! Dave White's hilarious recaps of all things AI--enjoy! (Contains adult content) "
Posted by bullzeye on 04-10-09 at 04:55 PM
Thank you zazzy. I freakin' love Dave White's take on all this!


Made by Maroonclown; resurrected by Agdude.

"RE: Snark time! Dave White's hilarious recaps of all things AI--enjoy! (Contains adult content) "
Posted by zazzy on 04-13-09 at 07:50 AM
Glad someone else is enjoying these! I think the Idolatry vids from Michael Slezak at EW are enjoyable as well. Have you seen those? There are a lot--start with the weekly discussions and if you have time watch the interviews of the past contestants, but the weekly discussions are a hoot! Megan as a Japanese engineered contestant, lol! Allison as Debra Winger, Wonder Girl, lol.
"RE: Snark time! Dave White's hilarious recaps of all things AI--enjoy! (Contains adult content) "
Posted by zazzy on 04-19-09 at 06:56 PM

Dave decides to be a judge this week and offers alternative song choices:

http://www.popnography.com/2009/04/american-idol-smaller-shorter-and-cut.html\

Here's Matt's:


"Matt
What he sang: “Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman” from Don Juan DeMarco
He says that this is one of the most beautiful songs he’s ever heard. The only explanation for this is that Matt has not heard many other songs.
What he should have sung: One of Jamie Foxx’s songs from Dreamgirls. You remember all of those, right? Oh, you don’t? Neither do I. And that’s how I feel about Matt, too."

"RE: Snark time! Dave White's hilarious recaps of all things AI--enjoy! (Contains adult content) "
Posted by bullzeye on 04-22-09 at 07:33 PM
On Lil:

What she should have sung:

I think we all have!

Thanks zazzy!

"RE: Snark time! Dave White's hilarious recaps of all things AI--enjoy! (Contains adult content) "
Posted by zazzy on 04-22-09 at 08:49 PM
;) His suggestion for Kris had me ROFL!

"RE: Snark time! Dave White's hilarious recaps of all things AI--enjoy! (Contains adult content) "
Posted by zazzy on 04-26-09 at 07:07 AM
Dave didn't like disco night:

http://www.popnography.com/2009/04/disco-nights-on-american-idol-not-for-the-weak.html


"You know something horrifying is on its way when Seacrest begins a show in front of that flaming orange fire-licky backdrop and gets all intense about the “historic” double-elimination and then he says “This…. is American Idol” in a way that sounds like he wants to, instead, say, “This… is American Towering Inferno.” And it’s not simply because he’s got no gravitas and the words “double elimination” out of his mouth just sound like someone barfing twice at a kegger. ..."

"RE: Snark time! Dave White's hilarious recaps of all things AI--enjoy! (Contains adult content) "
Posted by zazzy on 05-07-09 at 10:38 AM
Totally blanked on Dave White last weekend--here's his write up after Matt left:

http://www.popnography.com/2009/04/american-idol-winning-doesnt-matter-until-it-does.html#more


There's some snarky fun about Adam midway through the article--
"tantrum-sing". ROFL!

"RE: Snark time! Dave White's hilarious recaps of all things AI--enjoy! (Contains adult content) "
Posted by bullzeye on 05-08-09 at 07:22 PM
Ha! And Ha!

Thanks zazzy - loved them both. Though do agree with one of the comments that they enjoyed the longer assessments he dissed out on the Advocate.


Made by Maroonclown; resurrected by Agdude.

"RE: Snark time! Dave White's hilarious recaps of all things AI--enjoy! (Contains adult content) "
Posted by zazzy on 05-09-09 at 11:00 AM
Yes, these leave me wanting for more snark. Maybe they pay by the word and will only pay so much?

"RE: Snark time! Dave White's hilarious recaps of all things AI--enjoy! (Contains adult content) "
Posted by zazzy on 05-09-09 at 11:08 AM
And for this week's:

http://www.popnography.com/2009/05/american-idol-now-its-a-sausage-fest.html#more


Wonder if Glow will read this--a snippet of Dave snark:

"Right: Allison deciding that what her hair needed was MORE stuff instead of less. Again, Lambert comes in for the save by gallantly providing his own personal stylist for the teen lady-pal.

Wrong: Daughtry’s insistence on retaining the anally precise stencil-beard look. How many personal beard attendants do you think he’s fired at this point?"

"RE: Snark time! Dave White's hilarious recaps of all things AI--enjoy! (Contains adult content) "
Posted by zazzy on 05-16-09 at 09:04 AM
This is more like it! Dave on Danny's exit, Kris and Adam F2, in his best Dave White way--here's the start:

"We were wrong. He shouldn’t have put a lid on the whole dead wife thing. Because Danny Gokey proved this week that he’s at his best, he’s most effective, he’s least bothersome -- not counting the Isaac the Bartender vests he’s so fond of, those are always a sad trip to the broken-down mall on the cheap side of town --..."

http://www.popnography.com/2009/05/american-idol-go-go-gokey-.html

"RE: Snark time! Dave White's hilarious recaps of all things AI--enjoy! (Contains adult content) "
Posted by bullzeye on 05-16-09 at 10:04 AM
Sigh, only one more left.


Made by Maroonclown; resurrected by Agdude.

"RE: Snark time! Dave White's hilarious recaps of all things AI--enjoy! (Contains adult content) "
Posted by zazzy on 05-24-09 at 09:05 AM
OK, Bullzeye, since you and I seem to be the only ones reading these ;), here's the last snarky recap from Dave:

http://www.popnography.com/2009/05/american-idol-upset-2009.html#more

The finale begs for a much longer recap but at least we have something--here's a sample:

"2. That Norman Gentle guy shows up, does his “And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going” number again. He needs new material. That Tatiana loon sings “Saving All My Love For You” again too. She seems to finally get the joke even though sweet, doofussy Ruben Studdard, caught on camera slackjawed by her wacky antics, doesn’t. That Bikini Girl person has nice new fakeys that Seacrest makes a funny over. Love that she’s still furious and thinks Kara is the enemy. Angry b!tchface plus jugs plus entitlement is one of my favorite L.A. combo platters."

"RE: Snark time! Dave White's hilarious recaps of all things AI--enjoy! (Contains adult content) "
Posted by bullzeye on 05-24-09 at 12:47 PM
No top two contestants have ever been given free Fords on the last episode like that, right? Cut to Justin Guarini. He’s still got his. Burger King bags on the floor. #####’s real dusty. But it runs, you know?

Bwahahahaha!

Thanks zazzy - really enjoyed the reads, and your company in this thread.

Until Dave's next venture.


"RE: Snark time! Dave White's hilarious recaps of all things AI--enjoy! (Contains adult content) "
Posted by sica077 on 05-24-09 at 05:37 PM
I've been reading/lurking! I love reading his articles. Thanks for posting zazzy!
"RE: Snark time! Dave White's hilarious recaps of all things AI--enjoy! (Contains adult content) "
Posted by zazzy on 05-24-09 at 08:29 PM
Hi Sica, glad you are enjoying them, too.

I think next season the thread should expand to include Idolatry and other snarkers around the web. I enjoyed the way Idolatry stuck to their opinions and showed their cleverness in putting together the videos and even the interviews can be disarming for the contestants. So much AI commentary, not enough time to enjoy it all!

"Wait! There's one more!"
Posted by zazzy on 05-24-09 at 08:53 PM
Dave wrote this about the coronation songs from all 8 seasons:

http://www.popnography.com/2009/05/american-idol-terrible-finale-song-roundup.html

It doesn't disappoint:

"That it may have nothing to do with that winner’s preferred performance style? Not a consideration. That it is, without fail, a rote piece of pop garbage that, if they could figure out a way to do it, would feature lyrics about Ford and Coca-Cola? Also unimportant. That the single in question is only occasionally redeemed by a grateful, wholehearted performance? Minor detail. That listening to Jamie Foxx blame it on the al-al-al-al-al-al-co-hol for the eleventy-eth time rings more true on a deep emotional level? Fu@k you, BUY THIS SH!T ON ITUNES."