In which FOX decides to test-drive its brand-new reality channel by running every reality show ever in tonight’s episode of The Casino. Oh, and there is not one single nanosecond of gambling tonight, either.

Before we begin, what is that piece of crap that’s on right before this? It’s called North Shore, and it truly blows. Oh, wait. FOX said it’s not on next week. Well, thank goodness for small favors. Now I won’t have to miss the beginning of The Casino again next week because I was frantically flipping through channels.

Previously, on The Casino…

Tim and Tom were trying to rope in the high rollers. Matt Dusk didn’t pass out and die when he got to sing on the stage where Sinatra sang 100 years ago. Tim didn’t like the slutty lingerie show, and Tom reminds him that he approved it, which he denies. But he’s lying; I remember. He did approve it.

And now, for something completely different… {/sarcasm}

Tim wants the Good Vegas Show at the Nugget. Tom does, too. Side note: when did Tim sober up? He has been much more coherent lately… I wish they would’ve televised the intervention and the 28 days of rehab. Oooh! I know what they can have in that show room! Tim’s weekly AA meetings!

American Idol, Last Comic Standing, and… Buttman?

Tim and Tom interview people for the show spot they are desperately trying to fill. Of course, last week they had that Super Guy (MD’s hero) and they had Matt Dusk, so I don’t really know what they need a show in there so badly for. Maybe Super Guy died? Now that would’ve been good television. Watch MD cry over the casket…

Tony Soprano comes in and pitches a show about fashionistas, who basically are hot women in bondage tearing their clothes off each other. As Tim and Tom watch the DVD he has in tow, FOX shows its audience (um, that’s us) a blurfest. No, it wasn’t just you. They actually showed blurry images for minutes on end, as though somehow people might find this interesting.

Next up is some dude who claims he created a reality show called Buttman back in 1989. And I thought Survivor started it all!

Tim tells Matt he’s not ready for the billboards/promotional pix coming up for the Nugget. Matt was cool about it; he said he has to play it suave and patient. And then he disappeared for the rest of the episode.

Oh.Freakin.No Tommy the Dealer is back. I do not like him at all. He bores me to tears and he's more abusive of nepotism than W. He is walking around with this Kevin dude. He gives him a stand-up comedy tip: to amuse people, keep them drinking. Well, let me tell you something, Tommy, I’m drinking right now, and so far, I’m not amused.

Tommy gets up on a mystery stage somewhere and introduces this mystery Kevin guy. He sits at the drums so he can be Kevin’s ba-dum-bump! guy. Three seconds on stage, and Kevin has already resorted to making fun of Tommy by picking on his shirt. Yeah, it was ugly, but the jokes were uglier. In Tommy’s confessional he says that Kevin “needs a little work.” Biggest.Understatement.Ever

Commercials: best buy where a guy whines that he’s not cool, stupid adidas commercial with a dude walking around with a pile of people on his back, BK capitalizes on the spiderman 2 success, headless kids throw food for spray n wash, adidas redux reminds us we can get the shoes at foot locker, NFL players tell me I need to volunteer for my community, a preview for Trading Spouses {Tuesday, 20 July, 8 PM!}

Last Comic Standing 2, The Apprentice, Fear Factor, and Mad, Mad House

Tommy tries to console Kevin by telling him that it’s possible the funniest comedians probably used to suck when they first started, maybe. Now you know why there are no balconies in Vegas. They’d send this tool to go coax the jumpers down, and the strip would be a bloody mess.

Cue Tony and Lloyd. They are Fat and Fatter, but I’m not sure if that’s respectively. Anyway, the first thing they want to do is find the Buffet. Oh, in my notes it says Tony is the fatter one. Thanks, notes.

In a completely unscripted moment, Tommy and Kevin were having lunch directly adjacent to where Tony and Lloyd sit down to eat! That? Was totally Big Twist material. Remember MB is on this show, after all. After Tommy learns who these two fat bastiges are from Kevin, he gets swindled to go over there and talk them into working with Kevin. He never heard of them before, but pretends he’s seen their show at Caesar’s. He asks if they will let Kevin open for them. They explain they don’t really have a show, right now, per se, but if they had a show *hint*hint* they might be inclined to think it over.

Tommy says he has clout at the Golden Nugget, and I point, laugh, and yell at the TV “You mean your Daddy works there, too.” Tommy offers them an audition in exchange for their apprenticeship of Kevin. They agree. Tommy gets the Fatsos an audition with Tom. Tim suggests they put Matt in the show room. Tom immediately shoots this down. I think they must’ve bet $5K on when Matt would be in the showroom, and he doesn’t want to lose, because this sure sounds like a hella easy solution to their “problems” if you ask me.

Joe brings in this guy who pitches a show called Shock. The dude starts out by eating a light bulb. Tim and Tom cringe as he crunches it down. He then turns his arm into a kebob by jabbing a skewer through (and I really mean through) his bicep. Tim is ghost-white and looks like he’s going to throw up. And I might, too. Tom makes excuses about having to use the potty, but we all know he just couldn’t stomach it any more. Tim looks like he’s going to cry as Tom leaves him alone with the freak on his first week of soberhood.

Commercials: Stupid Teen Movie (Something About White Castle), Coke helps your teenaged kids stay lazy over the summer, AOL 9 and a kid whacking a hammer on the keyboard (which is probably what you’ll want to do if you use AOL), castrol SFX oil, KFC, arrid works in taxi cabs, valtrex reminds us via Cute Girl that Egads! Yuck! It really could be anybody, FOX gives a preview of the entire Wednesday night lineup (70s show, quints, SL2, method and red…)

Fame and Beg, Borrow, and Deal

So, the Fatsos are walking around the casino playing with the clientele. Obviously it is too early in the morning because the casino is chock full o’ old people. I guess we know now why they call it the Golden Nugget.

Tim, Tom, and Joe meet with Bernie, who also manages Sigfried and Roy. They discuss an act called Bad, Bad Leroy Brown (or something like that). He explains that this Brown guy is a one-man show. They sucker Tim into meeting with him, and thank goodness Tim is sane now that he’s sober. He says without a tape, he doesn’t feel comfortable. Tom and Joe should’ve already told Bernie to F off, but I guess they really dig the tigers, or they want to know if Roy is okay, so they’re being super nice to Bernie despite his unwillingness to jump the proper hurdles. Everyone in the room in charge of important Nugget business completely goes insane and agrees to have Brown have a show sight unseen.

Tony and Lloyd hang out with Kevin and learn very quickly that he is completely unfunny. They are polite in their confessional and say poor untalented Kevin was probably just nervous. I think he was drunk, personally. But I was drunk, too, and it still wasn’t funny.

Commercials: the hilarious domino’s commercial where Tuesday is jealous of Friday, stupid Catwoman movie, NetZero, Aveeno, Vchip (aka Big Brother at Home), Dodge, Labatt Blue Light, Dodge, Nissan Titan

The Real World: Las Vegas and Joe Schmo

Tony and Lloyd recruit an audience for their audition they keep calling a show. They pass out fliers on the casino floor. The geriatric bus climbed up the nonfunctional escalators to get to this free “show,” and they’re still an hour early. Tim is pissed that they were handing out fliers for this thing. Joe goes down there and sends everyone out, even though they’re all really, really old, and might fall down the escalators. But he was worried about liability for having them in the show room, so he’s doing The Right Thing here. Or something. Joe then sees Tommy in a completely unscripted chance meeting thereafter atop the escalator, and promptly screams at him for the madness that has ensued.

Personally, I really don’t think it was a big deal. I think these guys just randomly pick their random battles. Or, MB tells them to pick their random battles, because nothing interesting is happening.

Tommy shakes it off and I’m kind of proud of him for that. Tony and Lloyd aren’t mad at Tommy and they shake it off, too. Wow. They audition for a camera. The show sucked. They say it was because they didn’t have an audience. Tony does have a good radio voice, though, so maybe he should consider other career options. Lloyd? Could probably be the next bachelor on Boy Meets Boy.

Commercials: Bourne Supremacy, my favorite subway commercial (that borrowed the “one of these things is not like the others” song from Sesame Street), Motel 6, Thompson’s Water Seal, Denis Leary in Rescue Me (a Serious Series on FX), FOX Wednesday lineup again (what about Tuesday?), Toyota Camry, Ford, Chevy

Fame

So Tim and Tom go to this Gordie Brown sight unseen show. But they eat first. The audience loved the show and so did they. There was a standing ovation. They think it fits the Golden Nugget perfectly, so they sign a one-year contract for Gordie on a dirty cocktail napkin.

Tommy wants Kevin to work with Gordie Brown. I forsee Tommy getting in Even.More.Trouble with Tim and Tom as he pisses off Gordie his first week at the Nugget, who promptly threatens to leave if “this kid doesn’t leave him alone.”

Commercials: SL2, gilette M3 power, BK spidey sense game, web MD, trading spouses

Wow. The show is over. Color me impressed. After last week’s episode kind of worked for me, and this week kind of worked, too (despite the complete omission of gambling, at least this week was about Running.A.Frickin.Casino!). Hmmm… maybe MB isn’t a total tool after all… well, they have me for another week, anyway, and I was willing to bet I’d be jumping ship after this week.

Next week on The Casino…

Bowling Bikini Babes
Tommy wants to be a host but is distracted by the BBB

Well, obviously I spoke too soon. NEXT week will be my Abandon Ship week, I suppose.

~ cq

*smooches* to Buggy, for whom I will run back into a burning building any time she needs me

{metaphor courtesy Estee, who, along with me and sable are now the only ones watching this drivel}