LAST EDITED ON 05-06-03 AT 11:52 AM (EST)

Yes, you read right. I am officially calling this a slummary. Earlier in the season Femme raised the bar. I will be lowering the bar for this season.

Normally I can take even the dullest material and turn it into something read worthy. However, this episode was so predicatable and so, well, dull, that it was... painful to write this summary.

Well, here goes nothing(and yes, pun intended):

This episode opens with Andrew packing up and heading out to his home base of Malibu. The girls are also packing up and heading home. With the glamour of the Bachelorette pad is fading into a memory, one of the girls reminds us that Andrew has only been on one-on-one dates with 2 of the remaining 4 girls.

It is now time for Andrew to meet the families of the 4 remaining girls. Since I’m trying to be impartial, here they are in alphabetical order:

Cristina (AKA the Tick, but formerly known as the Leech) – Andrew arrives in New Jersey to be greeted by Cristina and taken off to a pastry shop that apparently specializes in Portugese pastries. He tries a little of this and a little of that and even gets fed by Cristina, but he doesn’t really seem to care for it. Cristina loads him up with a to go box and leads him out the door informing him that there are more Portugese delights to come. At some point Cristina even mentions that they can have a Portugese wedding cake. You can just tell that Andrew is thrilled.
They hop in the limo and Cristina morphs in front of our very eyes from a leech into a tick. She latches onto him and starts the 20 questions game. Do you like me? Blah, blah, blah. I’m almost surprised that Andrew does not throw himself from the moving car and into the Hudson. Instead he insists that he wouldn’t be there if he didn’t like her. He’s a bad liar.
He goes to dinner, he meets the family, they have some Portugese food, and so on. You know the drill. You can tell that he’s just not into it. You can also tell that Cristina is crazy about him.
At the end of the date they spend some one-on-one time. Andrew “confesses” that he is being pulled in four different directions. I smell a train wreck in the air…
(Please note that at the beginning of the date Cristina promises that things will get interesting. However, I saw nothing to remotely interesting about this date. I have chosen to leave out the “interesting” reference because to highlight it would only make her sound like a tramp and Kirsten has already been cast as that character.)

Jen (AKA the Mother Hen)- Andrew meets Jen in Ohio and they are at, of all places, an ice cream shoppe. Yep, it’s true. I can’t make up stuff this good. She REALLY is the girl next door. For some reason I start thinking that maybe I’m watching and episode of Dawson’s Creek.
Anyway, they have ice cream and then they leave to go to her parent’s house. During the limo ride they talk about kids and pets and cleaning up after kids and pets.
At the house, they talk with the family, drink some beers and then Jen’s sister brings up the topic of the other 3 women. Jen says that 3 of the four girls get along, but that 1 just doesn’t play well with others. Andrew comes to Kirsten’s aid and defends her. I felt bad for Jen and I wanted to smack Andrew across the head. (Seriously, if he has to come to her aid this much now, what will it be like if/when they are married.)
After dinner, they leave and have some close time. Andrew can feel himself falling for Jen.

Kirsten (AKA the Player)- Andrew meets Kirsten on the beach at "Trampa" Bay and they go meet her close friend, Carly. Andrew cuts through the chase and asks Carly about Kirsten’s ex-boyfriend. Kirsten and Carly share a surprised look with each other and then Carly minimizes the ex to Andrew. However, once Andrew is gone she confesses to the camera that if Andrew selects Kirsten, she will have to leave the ex behind and move on. Things that make you go, hmmmm…
Andrew and Kirsten head out to here house where they have dinner with her parents. Her parents learn that he is one of THE Firestones. Her dad tries to play it cool, but I saw the $$ in his eyes.
They have dinner and dad asks Andrew about the other 3 girls. Andrew thinks that dad is just concerned about his little girl. Those of use with a brain know that dad is simply trying to see if she is going to score the golden goose. Poor, naïve Andrew. He has been played by the girl, her friend, and now by the family. And to top it all off, Andrew says that he feels like he’s falling for her. OH.MY.HECK. At this point the snow job has worked so well that he doesn’t even ask about the ex-boyfriend.

Tina Fabulous (AKA the Tom Boy)- Tina lives in Wisconsin. We see him arrive at the edge of a fabulous lake. Tine whizzes up and picks up her fabulous man on a fabulous ATV. She does a few fabulous daredevil moves out on the ice, gives him a turn at driving, and then she takes over once again and whisks him off to a fabulous looking lodge for a fabulous drink. Yep, you guessed it, everything is fabulous.
Inside the lodge Tina finally opens up to Andrew. Tina admits that she is not only scared, but that she really IS hard to get. Big surprise, Tina lets Andrew give her a nice kiss on the cheek. It was simply fabulous. They leave the lodge and head over to meet Tina’s fabulous family.
Tina’s family is very welcoming. Andrew is brought into the fold fairly easily. He gets to see how Tina is in front of others and he realizes that she is fabulous to everyone. She not putting on an act! (You can definitely tell that Tina and her sisters are related. I could almost imagine Andrew wondering if offspring he were to have with Ms. Fabulous would also have that not-so-fabulous jaw line…) Any who, Tina’s fabulous sister has her first dance. She excuses herself from the table to go get ready. We later see her descend the stairs, looking fabulous of course, and leave on her date. Andrew babbled something about feeling included and at ease with this family because he was included in such a fabulous event.
Tina takes Andrew up to her old room and they KISS. I’m talking lips touching. Now that Andrew is under her fabulous spell, she turns the tables on him and lets him know that she wants him. She even gives him something that she made that utters the fabulous phrase, “I want u to want me.”
Tina and Andrew head back to the hotel where they do a bit of talking and, gasp KISSING!!!!!! What a way to end their first date. And I can sum it all up in one word: FABULOUS!

Well, they tried to make the rose ceremony far more suspenseful than it was. We all knew Cristina was hitting the road and Andrew didn’t disappoint us. She claims that she didn’t see it coming. She really shouldn’t have said that. It shows us just how stupid she really is. I want to feel sorry for her, but I can’t. She was clingy and borderline desperate.

And that’s all folks.

editted 'cause i felt like it.

• RE: episode 5 SLUMMARY,dajaki, 06:31 PM, 05-05-03
• RE: episode 5 SLUMMARY,Silvergirl1, 06:23 AM, 05-06-03
• RE: episode 5 SLUMMARY,Femme, 08:04 AM, 05-06-03
• RE: episode 5 SLUMMARY,Schnookie Palookie, 10:25 AM, 05-06-03

Thanks sorgee. You've put in the mood for a fabulous afternoon of eating Portuguese desserts while sitting on the beach and watching Dawson's Creek!

Good job, Sorgee! Slummary is right.

LOL! FABULOUS slummary Sorgee