Ivanka is a goddess among trolls. She is vastly more intelligent than anyone in her presence.

Your casual dismissal of Ivanka's natural beauty and the evil comparison to Ms. Hilton disgusts me. You should be ashamed of yourself.

You probably are in love with Rosie O'Donnel. Perhaps a cold shower will help clear out the stain on your eyes that does not allow you to witness Ivanka in her true glory.

You may not remember me from the time that I brushed up against you in New York City, so I would like to introduce myself more formally. I am your greatest admirer.

You must certainly have numerous admirers and from them you probably receive hundreds if not thousands of "fanmail". I want to assure you that I am not just some ordinary "fan". An ordinary fan may create a blog-space dedicated to you and place framed pictures of you around their home and taken recordings of your voice to be their personal ringtones, but they are still just fans. I have done all of these and more.

My goal is for us to get to know each other on a more personal level. I feel a very strong attachment to you and it would be a real shame if we could not build on that. If you got to know me, I believe that you would have strong feelings for me, as well.

If you would like to make me the happiest person in the world, please respond at your earliest convenience. I wait to hear from you with the knowledge that we will grow to become very close.

Yours,

zipperhead

p.s. Anyone who says that they feel for you the way I do is a dirty rotten Rosie-lover.

No soup for you!