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Original Message
"Be The...Pirate Master 1.2"
Posted by tribephyl on 06-08-07 at 05:25 AM
*ding*ding*

Stop polishing your knobs, quit hoisting your jibs, all pirates midriff! Now! Er. Mid-Ship! Now!

First bit of business goes to the "Spoilers".
Haha!
On behalf of myself, MB and everyone at CBS, I thank you all for completely misreading the clues we dropped. Hahahaha ... Cap'n Azmyth ... hahaha ... Sit-Out ... hahahaha ... priceless, really.
*wipes tear from eye*

Next bit of biz... the introduction of Kendra. Kendra?
Kendra!?
Where is Kendra?
Oh there you are. Could you stop crying, please. There's no crying in piratry!
We have this BIG scene to shoot this afternoon and you're playing the part in a seriously dramatic CatFight. Try and make it look good, okay?


Ahem... Next up? JD.
How you feeling buddy?
JD: "Another week of tyranny, another 20,000." *sigh*
Sheesh, don't be so glum, I'm sure those scurvy lowlifes relish knowing that they are worth a big fat zero in your eyes. Oh I'm sorry, they're worth 2 coins a piece. Right.
See, they gotta love you for that?

Pssst...Louie. How's that Mutiny going?
Ooh you got Christian to sign on? Cool. Good luck with that.
I hear he's really strong (... smelling).
A rock-solid (and uncarryable) friend.
We'll keep the positive editing up, but you gotta start making things happen. Got it?

Ummm. let's see. Oh! I know! My Chest! Isn't it amazing? Have another peek. Go for it. Nice and hairy. Like how it flutters in the wind?
Now for a shot at that other, scum-encrusted, chest. The Chest of Zanzibar. Let's peek inside, shall we?

Oooo...Kendra, here's your first big scene...what?
Okay unlock it. Good. Now give your lines. uh .ooo. okay. that was okay. Now get ready to hunt for treasure. And Jump!
What? You need Alexis to drag you into shore? Oh boy. This does not look good for you. More like a wet cat.
Oh but wait! To avert the attention, while you get into character... We have a couple of other useless people to focus upon.
Christian and Joy.
Funny, neither seems to be spiritual or happy. And at the moment, nor are they moving.

All's not lost!
Here comes Sean aka "SuperCookie" to the rescue!!!
Swooping up the poor helpless wench like the useless sack of flesh she is and running with her for the touchdown.
Meanwhile the real running back, Christian, remains unmoveable in the cess-pool of ... wait... I think I just some him poke a stick at something.
"Was that Ben's boot?"

Oh and a serious shout-out to the pirate costume designer.
The idea of having see-thru-when-wet material being used for all of the womens outfits .... well ... You. Are. A. Genius!
We did have to hire an extra blur maker in the editing room but I, as host, am ever thankful for watching it live. (via feed to my luxury liner suite, sailing close to but out of camera range.)

And a Big Hello Chesta! Er... I mean Christa!
How you doing Nipple? Umm... I mean Nessa.
*teenage boy giggle* Little Daddo's cracking a fattie.

*Insert Snake joke here*


And a hearty "ChipHollyBarmaid!" to Cap'n Azmyth?! (hahahaha...that still makes me laugh... cap'n azmyth ...huhuh)
Good on ya' mate.
Nice work finding the treasure.
How does 2k sound? You can buy some serious beard shavers for that amount.

You can't, however, make any chops with your mighty sword just yet. JD is still giving out black marks and you wanna stay on his good side.

*change lighting*
Nod to Alexis and Kendra.
Alexis sees, but Kendra is too busy being distracted by her hairbeads. Swatting them ... like a kitten.
Ahem... cat FIGHT!
Oh nevermind. Maybe next week?

Sorry, Christian. Even Loupert couldn't save you.
You've been voted off the ship.
Alas, I hardly miss ye.

Oh and thanks to the new intern on the editing team. You're ability to find a theme for the episode (and in doing so, suppling us with our first ever moral tale) was remarkable.
With so little to go on, it was refreshing to see such focus on lazy stereotypes and how even white women can't swim.

Moral: Nipples = ratings.


Personal. For MB's Eyes Only.
Ummm....could we have someone talk to Jay about his confessionals.
He's being a little too obvious about his eventual win. Can we get him to cut back on the serious foreshadowing please.


You can call me Daddo.

Table of contents
Messages in this discussion
"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.2"
Posted by ARnutz on 06-08-07 at 07:34 AM
Please keep those snakes away from my bountiful chest!



Aye, Matey, me booty has been tribed!

"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.2"
Posted by cahaya on 06-08-07 at 10:18 AM
Arrr, try as I might, me buxom lass, thems snakes twer like His Majesty's frigates upwards of the lee wind. Too fast, I tell ye.

I'll miss ye, bountiful booty. Nay, no more gettin' me hands into ye chest, no more eyein' ye beautiful booty, nay, nay.

Singing from the raft, cast adrift...

I want to sing and dance, I want to sing and dance
I want to be a dancer in So You Think You Can Dance
Wear me silver-buckled slippers and me tight shiny pants
I want to sing and dance.

"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.2"
Posted by jbug on 06-08-07 at 09:01 AM
Huh? MB, did you only get me to do this hokey pirate thingie just to see my oobies? Don't I get anything else out of this?


Honored by Tribe
(missed the whole thing - so any comments from Nessie may appear completely irrelevant)

"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.2"
Posted by rasslinmomma on 06-08-07 at 09:08 AM
{gulp} Y'all don't mind if I crawl back under my rock do you? I really, really thought I wanted a speaking role, but all of a sudden, I'm getting the black spot. I'd rather slide back UTR.

Nobody noticed that I lied on my CBS bio, did they? I figured that with a pirate theme, I better say I can swim. Nobody will notice the difference, will they? She was certified as a scuba diver in 1989 in 38 degree-waters in Alaska. She is now a dive master with a certification in shark diving from South Africa. Fooled ya, didn't I?

Jay, I'm so glad you're in my alliance. You give the bestest hugs! Your gut's not telling you anything about my possible betrayal yet is it?

"Special dispatch from the admiral."
Posted by Estee on 06-08-07 at 09:22 AM
To: Kendra and Alexis
Re: The water stunt

As per my official rules revision of 6/06, being towed in to shore and being the one doing the towing are no longer guarantees of second and first place, respectively. Nice try.

No, you still can't see the rulebook.

What kind of game would we have if I told anyone how to play it?

"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.2"
Posted by The Cake on 06-08-07 at 09:43 AM
Cap'n must have placed me up in the crow's nest to be the lookout cause I am ne'er with the rest of me crew. I must be doin me job well. We haven't crashed or run aground yet.

Eeek! Unpoisonous snakes. Gangway!
I must be runnin away before one slithers within 20 feet of me arse.


"RE: Special dispatch from the admiral."
Posted by rasslinmomma on 06-10-07 at 11:38 AM
Connie/Kendra
Alex/Alexis

Close enough for me!! I'll settle for second place money...


You really do make the rules up as you go along, don'tcha?

"The executive producer admiral speaks."
Posted by Estee on 06-08-07 at 09:40 AM
Joe Don, Joe Don, Joe Don... just look at you. In fact, let's all just sit back and look at Joe Don for a moment. Gaze upon him with respect. Here is a man who has no clue about what's going on around him. He sincerely believes he's respected by his crew. He can't sense the resentment simmering around him. He honestly thinks a couple of hundred dollars is enough to buy him absolute safety. He's already decided his captaincy is a permanent position. He's reached the point where we basically have an extra contestant: there's Joe Don, and then there's Joe Don's ego. He doesn't work, doesn't listen, doesn't understand -- but he does do a world-class job of filling his own stomach and gloating about it.

I'm so proud.

Oh captain, my captain -- you'll just never see it coming...

Now what's going on with the rest of you? All right, Azmyth, I guess I'm going to give you some screen time after all, which means that both of us will have to figure out how to spell your name. (I'm tempted to call you the Dread Pirate Roberts, but we'd both just scare Joe Don.) Still, you're making a crucial mistake. You're thinking. In front of Joe Don. He seems to be scared of that, probably because he's personally so bad at it.

Guess what, production crew? You eat this week, too! (I treat you so much better than Joe Don would, don't I?) Yes, that was a great job on the so-called spoilers. Except for one small thing. The beard. We all know what I'm talking about with the beard, don't we? But you're still eating. Sure, it's only barnacles live off the hull, but just think about all the calcium you're getting.

Christian -- you're getting cut off at the knees again. Feel familiar at all? But I'm not worried: all I lose is a portion of the Kansas City ratings, and since there's only six people in the area who both own a television and know how to turn it on, that's really not much of a hit.

Oh, and Jay? The master stooge, who seems to be doing nothing except taking up space because he can't even provide challenge commentary, has asked me to have a few words with you. So here they are: ramp it down a little. There's a very fine line between first-half narrator and potential Final Two/Three/Whatever The Hell It Is On This Show contestant, and I can cut the line to send you adrift at any time.

So let's see. So far, they've played 'eat the smart', and then they played 'eat the strong' -- and they still have no idea what they're playing, much less how.

Can I pick them or what?

Really, it's no loss at all. Given the women's costumes, I would have forfeited all six of those people anyway.

"RE: The executive producer admiral speaks."
Posted by cahaya on 06-08-07 at 10:39 AM
Aye, at least ye said I was strong, arrr. Twas t' only good words ye utter'd 'bout me.

"Hello, Clark (Hunt). Hey, I have an idea... um, right, well I'm not on that show anymore, got chopped at the knees again, so I'm on injured reserve 'til the reunion... anyway, I have an idea about the cheerleader costumes I saw here... it's called wardrobe function, Clark... yes, yes, that's right, just change 'em from black to red..."

"RE: The executive producer admiral speaks."
Posted by dreamerbeliever on 06-10-07 at 10:06 PM
Don't you be worrying my brother, I will avenge you! Still trying to figure out why 5 of these wannabes voted against you instead of glug glug girl or the captain. Getting rid of the strong before the weak or cruel, what a lame strategy.

"RE: The executive producer admiral speaks."
Posted by cahaya on 06-10-07 at 10:24 PM
Aye, Louie. Dunno if there'll be an outcast twist ahead o' us or not. Mebbe. But if a ghost ship makes its return w' me on board, ye shall be spared, and J.D. and his lackeys keelhauled 'til the sharks finish their feed on 'em. Arrr!

"RE: The executive producer admiral speaks."
Posted by vince3 on 06-08-07 at 10:47 AM
LAST EDITED ON 06-08-07 AT 10:56 AM (EST)

According to what Daddio said last night, I'll remain Captain (according to the current rules...) as long as my Black Crew keeps winning the expeditions.....

Let's see:

What do I have exactly, now?

Captain of first expedition (40k): 20,000
Captain of second expedition (45k): 22,500
Bribe Donation to Boatsman Jay: -2,000
Pittance to the Losing Crew (8 7 members * 200): -1,400 (I obviously can't count this morning...)

Current total: 39,100

Sure that's almost 4 times as much as my two officers who have $10,625.......and just over 9 times as much as the lucky dogs who have been on both winning crews: $4,250

I forgot if Jay was on the winning crew either time, but add $2,000 to his total......

ETA: If the crew member lost the first expedition but won the second, they're at $2,250

If the crew member won the first expedition but lost the second one, they're at $2,200

and the ultimate losers of the crew are currently at the pittance of $200......


"RE: The executive producer admiral speaks."
Posted by Estee on 06-08-07 at 10:52 AM
Seven members on the losing crew, Captain Hamentashen: you always get the extra person. As long as you remain captain. Which of course will be forever. And ever. And possibly ever.

Note to self: order extra cameras. And extra security.

"RE: The executive producer admiral speaks."
Posted by vince3 on 06-08-07 at 10:59 AM
For some reason I keep thinking we started with 18 pirates, not 16....... (I don't know why..... but at least we're not up to 21 or more Survivors at a time yet, are we?)


"RE: The executive producer admiral speaks."
Posted by tribephyl on 06-08-07 at 05:26 PM

The master stooge, who seems to be doing nothing except taking up space because he can't even provide challenge commentary...

Wha? And get my boots dirty?! No fricken' way.
Hey! I was hired to look great, only. *straightens errant beard stubble*
If you want some dirty jungle monkey racing through the jungle screaming out the action then call your meat-puppet JP to do the job.
I'm too busy showcasing my glorious chest! *strokes silvery threads*


They don't call me Daddo for nothin'.

"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.2"
Posted by sporkman on 06-08-07 at 09:56 AM
I think I be changing me strategy. Under the Radar be fine, but ridin' Cap'n coattails be better! Look at the plunder me hearties! (Joe Don and Cheryl, not you other scallywags) Now I can buy new Marching shoes, pay off me debtors and have gold left over to buy the deluxe Guitar Hero 2!! Yo Ho Ho!


"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.2"
Posted by emydi on 06-08-07 at 10:04 AM
LAST EDITED ON 06-08-07 AT 10:05 AM (EST)

Yes, Ben, you see we need to keep winning and we have nothing to worry about.

*DOINK*

*hit by the obvious treasure chest*



I'm not first officer for nothin' oh yeah and watch out Jay cause I can read people...

"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.2"
Posted by sporkman on 06-08-07 at 10:54 AM
Aye, but why should we officers look for the treasure. That's what them swabbies be for.
Besides, there be much finer obbie booty to be look at for, don't you agree Cap'n?

No way I was going in the snake pit. I didn't want to lose by shoes in there
"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.2"
Posted by vince3 on 06-08-07 at 11:02 AM
Aye, we get to look at the oobies booty and let the grunts like Azmyth and Loupert go do the dirty work and we get the money!

BTW Loupert: There is a pattern forming at Pirates Court: Talk about Muntiny? Walk the Plank Get Set Adrift!


"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.2"
Posted by emydi on 06-08-07 at 11:11 AM
oh btw..I charge one grabaloon for each word I right in the ship's log with my pretty fluffy pen

oh and as you attorney...(i'm telling just you and shoeless Ben) I get a third of your winnings...



Pfft...what are you gonna do to me...you need me...*snort*

"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.2"
Posted by Spanky68 on 06-08-07 at 12:16 PM
I'll find your treasure. I will look good on camera doing it.

But if you don't start giving us a "find the treasure" bonus, I might be willing to listen to more mutiny talk.

Seriously, I would think that 15% minimum cut should go to someone like me is the obvious challenge MVP at finding the loot.


"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.2"
Posted by tribephyl on 06-08-07 at 05:29 PM
There you go thinking again. Knock it off.

Does the name "Stacey Stillman" mean nothing to you?


You can call me Daddo.

"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.2"
Posted by agman on 06-08-07 at 10:09 AM
arrgghh, had to miss me show last night so i still be figurin' out what happened to me matey's

Keelhauled by tribe

"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.2"
Posted by vince3 on 06-08-07 at 10:34 AM
For one thing, I made you the ship's cook. So, where's my breakfast?

"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.2"
Posted by agman on 06-08-07 at 05:53 PM
Aye captain, and what would the captain be wantin fer breakfast?

Keelhauled by tribe


"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.2"
Posted by cahaya on 06-08-07 at 11:30 AM
Ye makes cruel gruel, gettin' yer hair innit too. Ya gonna kill half the crew by starvin' 'em to death.



"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.2"
Posted by piratepolly on 06-10-07 at 10:17 AM
AWWWK! AAWWWK! Polly know a Nigerian poem:

by Cade

Disturbed by the turbulence of the time
Distressed as age races on an uneven track
Deluded of happier days to come
He holds down his aching head
Staring into oblivion
He is almost at his wit end
Shall good save him or will evil nail him
He can almost feel the itch of insanity
What shall he do, what can he do
He resigns himself to fate.

Submitted to the antiques of greedy minds and lying tongues quivering only
To do evil
Today they drive on the left
Tomorrow it is on the right
They dwell on instability and uncertainty
His thoughts are in turmoil, his soul weakened
His youth-hood lies in near waste.
O too much frustration for the innocent
When will it all end, will it ever end
He resigns himself to fate.


"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.2"
Posted by cahaya on 06-10-07 at 10:44 PM
Aye, I likes ye, Polly.

Here... perch on me shoulder for a bit, Polly, and tell me another poem 'til that cursed ship escapes me eye.

"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.2"
Posted by tribephyl on 06-08-07 at 05:35 PM
*sigh* EmmmBeeee!? We have a straggler here!

So, Sean... Too bad about being out of it this week.
The rum can really mess with your recall at times.
But never fear, you made some great TV.
Serving Hair-crusted gruel was a particularly grand moment.
I especially loved that Alexis was willing to go without eating versus sitting down to another tablespoon of your cooking.
(Oh but I loved the bacon fat dressing idea. Mmmm...Bacon fat.)

You also donned a cape during the treasure hunt and saved the nappy-headed wench from certain doom.

Other than that you were pretty much just kissing the cap'n's stern.


You can call me Daddo.

"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.2"
Posted by agman on 06-08-07 at 05:51 PM
kissin the captain's stern? Arrrggghh I wonders if I be the ship's new suck up. At least I hopes mre can cook better than me alter-ego agman(He be the real arse kisser )




Keelhauled by tribe

"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.2"
Posted by qwertypie on 06-10-07 at 11:59 PM
Aye, Sean my manly man - thanks for hauling my cute a$$ out of there -- unfortunately, real life intruded and I also missed that part.
But I was able to return for my MIRACULOUS RECOVERY during Pirate Court doing jumping jacks and deep squats.



I've been planked by Tribe!

"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.2"
Posted by dragonflies on 06-08-07 at 02:05 PM
Arrrr. Kendra, don't be expecting me to drag your a$$ into shore every time. I voted for you, btw.


arrrrrgh!

"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.2"
Posted by rasslinmomma on 06-08-07 at 04:27 PM
Ye scurvy dawg! I don't care if you voted for me, 'cause I wasn't forced to walk the plank. I was just testing out how strong you are.

Who would have thought swimming was so hard? I've been scuba diving for years!!


You call it sinking to the bottom with an air tank, I call it scuba

"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.2"
Posted by dreamerbeliever on 06-10-07 at 09:48 PM
LAST EDITED ON 06-10-07 AT 10:30 PM (EST)

What a bunch of boot lickers! How could five of you scurvy dogs set my brother adrift? Are you enjoying the gruel and the $200 bribes? Grow a backbone and rise up against the captain!

I knew The Nigerian Nightmare and I would be bonding. Quasi-famous stars always tend to gravitate towards one another. Did anyone else happen to notice who led the popularity vote in week one on the CBS site? The viewers, all 100 of them, can’t get enough of the only true pirate. They love me, like there was ever a question about if they would.

"I have nothing to say but..."
Posted by KObrien_fan on 06-11-07 at 10:17 PM
Please stare into my oobies and repeat after me:

Christa is so hot she is going to get all the booty...


Oh yeah, putty in my hands. Right where I want them. I'll get the guys all off the boat then work on the women's booty. Soon it will all be mine, just mine...

"RE: I have nothing to say but..."
Posted by emydi on 06-12-07 at 12:14 PM
I'm surprised we could even see your face with all the blurs....



I shall call you Nip

"RE: I have nothing to say but..."
Posted by piratepolly on 06-13-07 at 11:34 AM
AWWWK! AAWWWWK! Polly want a pixel! AWWWK!


"RE: I have nothing to say but..."
Posted by agman on 06-13-07 at 04:43 PM
>AWWWK! AAWWWWK! Polly want a pixel!
>AWWWK!

Avast Polly ye scurrvy Parrot, I be the new ship's cook and anymore squawkin like that and I'll be serving ye to the crew for supper.....


Keelhauled by tribe


"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.2"
Posted by Bravehart on 06-13-07 at 04:26 PM
LAST EDITED ON 06-13-07 AT 04:53 PM (EST)

Ahoy ya scrurvy dogs ya!

Yer under me now! I'll be gettin a little best of both worlds now that I be Boatsman! Me'n Kendra are gettin cozy so watch yer backs! Da Capn better be passin me more of dem dubloons or he be visitin Davey soon! I told ye scurvy dogs from the beginnin I be gettin richer'n you hounds!

Our crew is sailin savey ya hear!

And if any yous even thinks of namin me the ships rat, you'll be walkin jacob's ladder fer sure!

"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.2"
Posted by Bravehart on 06-14-07 at 03:59 PM
Avast me mates!

For those of ye hounds who have not deemed me ship's rat yet, ere's a pirate translater so we can move on.

I's be needin double double in my Timmies, thanks.

http://www.talklikeapirateday.com/translate/


"RE: Be The...Pirate Master 1.2"
Posted by sporkman on 06-14-07 at 04:31 PM
Avast ya son of a biscuit eater! Ya words don't scare me! Not whilest I can still hide b'hind Cap'n JD! Now get them Swabbies back to work, boatsman! Ahoy, thar's more treasure t' be found and I need gold t' pay off my student loans! A pence for a young man o'de sea?


If'n we can't find no gold, I's be happy t'find more booty!