LAST EDITED ON 11-04-03 AT 03:41 PM (EST)

Writer's note: I would've been done sooner, but I surprisingly had a little writer's block this weekend. Enjoy!

Last week on Survivor...

Osten whines about Pelican Pete.
Shawn and Jon fight about whose bamboo pole is longer.
Trish gets herself voted off.

Writer's note: I'm doing one summary for Survivor, and all I get is one stinking day? Oh well, at least I get a Big Twist...

Part One: The Magic of Fish

Anyhoo, the episode quaintly starts with a whole lotta screaming. Rupert is miffed cuz someone voted for him at the last Tribal Council. Even though previous votes haven't counted since Survivor: Africa, Rupert decides to pick on the skinny white guy. Maybe my TV was messing up, or maybe censorship laws are getting tighter cuz this is all I heard:

Rupert: "#$@%$^^%$@#$#%$%$^^^#"
Jon: "Well, I thought you were going to turn on us"
Rupert: "@#$%#$^%&%^&^%*##%@#$@!$%@#^$#&&$%% that?"
Jon: "Well, it was all Trish's fault"
Rupert: "#@$@#%%^#$#$$^%&%^#%$%#$%@#$@$@#$@ 5 strong Drake"

I've never heard so much dead space on TV since the moment Jenna won S6

Basically, Rupert's vocal cords eventually gave out, and they made up. Which makes me sad. One would think Jon, a wrestling fanatic, would enjoy it when a big, angry dude body slams some weak, scrawny guy.

*cue ominous music*

*picture of the moon*

It's Day 19 at the Moron tribe and, as usual, the waters are mighty rough. Fat Ryan can't get into the water to fish. Andrew gripes about the fish. They just can't get any fish to eat. Fat Ryan sees a stingray in the water and throws the spear at it. Misses. After doing a couple victory laps around Fat Ryan, Andrew, and Tijuana, the stingray disappears.

You'd think that schooner or later, these people would catch a fish. The worst thing is that Andrew has to be so crabby about it. I wish he would just clam up and stop floundering around. Instead, the three losers wave to the other two losers, who are sitting under the shellter. Osten flexes his mussels, and reminds us just how weak he is. Then he gripes about weighing only 175 pounds.

(every person on the Atkins diet throws a brick through their TV screen)

Andrew says that he'd love to catch more fish, so they can have dances and parties. I'm sure you were quite the spectacle on the disco floor, Andrew. Stick with the Hokey Pokey. That's what it's all about.

Fat Ryan notes that Lillian and Skinny Ryan would perish if they were still around. Boy, good thing they voted them schmucks off. Heh heh...

Could this tribe be any more pathetic? Obviously MB agrees, so we switch over to the Drunks.

Sea Mail! Shawn reads it to the group:

The Drunks are disgruntled
And the Morons complain
If you're still watching the show,
you'd have to be insane.
These tribes are a bore.
They're following old trends
So here comes a twist
So this show can beat Friends

And whenever Sea Mail comes around, Jon gets this urge for Coconut Popcorn, the San Salvador treat!!! Sandra, Rupert, and Christa would love some coconut popcorn. Jon begins to cut the coconut. Shawn has a great idea. It takes too much time to cook the popcorn, so maybe they should just eat it raw. You know, like microwave popcorn? Everyone likes eating popcorn seeds. And if there's some left over, you can make a dandy Pelican Feeder.

I think the conversation went something like this:

Jon: "You spend more time trying to not work than actually working!"
*Shawn gets up close to Jon's face*
Shawn: "What's your ##### problem? #########"
Jon: "Get outta my ##### face"
Shawn: "I will always get up in your face"
*waves finger at Jon*
Shawn: "I'm tired of you and the ####ing popcorn!"

Who needs an All Star Survivor? We got Alicia and Kimmi already. You see something? Men and women really aren't that much different. Women argue about protein, and we men argue about popcorn

Finally, it's time for a challenge! YAY!

Part Two: Burnett's Original Non-Big Brother Twist

The Morons and Drunks arrive and Jeff gives em the obligatory "you guys have made it so far" speech. He also explains that six people have left already, and that they never come back. Geez, MB is milking this twist. He curtly informs the tribes that their "past has come back to haunt you."

*cue ominous music*

Suddenly, Nicole, Skinny Ryan, Lillian, Burton, Michelle, and Trish enter the scene. Nicole... hmmm... *snaps fingers* Wasn't she that loser from Big Brother? Anyway, Skinny Ryan has quaintly written the words "Die Jerks" on his buff. Funny. I didn't know Skinny Ryan was German. Well Danke to you too, Ryan. (?)

Jeff asks Burton what the name of their tribe is. Burton says they're the Outkast Tribe.

Say what? Burton is quite possibly the most delusional ghetto playa in The Whole World since Justin Timberlake. But at least he looks So Fresh And So Clean for a change.

Jeff asks Michelle what she wants. Revenge, baby.

*cue ominous music*

This girl obviously listens to too much angry chick music. Somebody take away her Pink CD

The Morons and Drunks seem really, really confused. Jeff explains that they're about to have a three tribe challenge. If the Outkast Tribe beats either the Morons or the Drunks, the losing tribe will vote someone out, and the Outkasts will vote someone in. If both lose, well, they're screwed. Get it? Got it? Good.

And, in case you were wondering, the Outkasts haven't been eating very much. They've been stuck on the peanut butter and jelly diet. Except for Trish. She won Head of Household.

Anyway, the challenge begins. Burton takes an early lead. He gets the flag first, followed by Shawn and Andrew. They get back to the cages, and dig their way into them. Burton frees Trish, Shawn frees Christa, and then Andrew finally frees Fat Ryan. The three tribes maintain their positions and go into the next cage, and begin making poles.

Trish: "Burton, use all of these purple scraps that MB made us wear"
Shawn: "Come on Christa! Make my "pole" longer!"
Christa: "I've been trying for twenty minutes, Shawn. It must be your problem"
Jon: "Hey! Why do the Outkasts get extra material, Jeff?"
Jeff: "Shut up, Jon"

Anyway, the three tribes get to the third and final cage in this order: Outkasts, Drunks, Morons. They untie their remaining members.

By the way, what is up with all the bondage challenges this year? MB is making this the kinkiest Survivor ever

Soon, all three groups are using their bamboo poles to get the last key. The Drunks' breaks, the Morons' breaks. The Outkasts' doesn't but they drop the key.

*suspense*

*more suspense*

*ominous music*

The Outkasts finally get the key, unlock the door, and win the challenge. Jeff asks Burton what it's like to win the challenge. Burton mumbles something about how being voted out is the biggest low. Rupert disagrees. Burton's obviously never visited the Moron tribe before.

Jeff tells all the losers to get outta there. There will be a Drunk Tribal Council that night, followed by a Moron one, followed by an Outkast one, followed by the weekly Jazzercise group workout. Hey, what do you think they do with the Tribal Council set when they're not using it?

*cue ominous music*

*cue Jazzercise workout tape*

Part Three: 15 minutes of anticlimax

The Moron tribe gets back to their camp. Andrew is pretty ticked. In his opinions, those Outkasts have no business being there. He says that when whoever it is comes back, they'll be voted out immediately. It worked on Big Brother for Chiara, and it will work here. Fat Ryan points out that no, it didn't work on Big Brother, and that the Outkasts have immunity.

And then Osten opens his mouth. He tells the group to vote him off. This is pathetic. By Osten's logic, if he can't give 110%, then he quits. God save the Uno player who makes Osten Draw Two. Let's hope Osten doesn't smoke. He might decide to quit breathing.

Tijuana says she doesn't care anymore that Osten's quitting. Good for her. Tijuana can be appreciated in two ways:

For the ladies
Rock on sistah! You don't need that man anymore! You go girl! Now go get some Christina Aguilera music, and some Ben & Jerry's

For the fellas
Who cares? Less Osten = More Tijuana *drool*

Over at the Drunk Tribe, Sandra says when she found out about the twist, she was all "no way." I bet your love is "like whoa" too, Mya.

What is with all these popular music references today?

The twist kinda irks Jon too. He says that those Outkasts have been losers their ENTIRE LIVES, and that WINNERS don't need a second chance. Yeah, winners like Jon, for instance. Y'know the art consultant from Virginia who spends each evening eating stale Pop Tarts and watching late night Jerry Springer, while picking his nose.

Strategy time! Christa, Rupert, and Sandra are talking about who they want to get rid of. Sandra suggests that they let both Shawn and Jon give them reasons, one at a time, why they shouldn't vote him out. Shawn says that Jon can't be trusted, and something about a lockbox. Jon says that Shawn's a stinky poo poo head.

Two good arguments. This one's gonna be as close as Bush vs Gore was.

Anyhoo, it's time for the first Tribal Council. The Drunk Tribe come in. Rupert gripes about being at Council for two days in a row. Sandra talks. And talks. And talks. Aye chihuahua, the girl talks. She tells Jeff that either Jon or Shawn is going bye-bye tonight. After a little more filler, they finally vote.

Shawn: (votes Jon) "Your name just happens to come next in alphabetical order. Sorry."
Jon: (votes Shawn) "#### you"

To make a long story short, Shawn is voted out 4-1. In his closing words, he gripes he would've gone farther if he hadn't have gotten "so close" to Burton. I'm gonna leave that statement alone. Go get some Orville Redenbacher, Shawn.

*cue ominous music*

Time for the slightly anti-climatic Moron Tribal Council! The Morons come in, and Jeff begins probing them. I really don't remember much about the questioning, just the stuff about Osten.

Osten explains in great detail that he will go as far as his body will let him go. When his body is done, he is done. Andrew pipes up. He says that it's probably not Osten's body; it's all mental. Sure, and delusions of leadership are mental too, Andrew. Just FYI.

Jeff points out that Burton really wants to get back into the game, and Osten leaving is a slap in their faces. Dang. You might say that Osten's acting... shellfishly??? Nyuk nyuk nyuk...

I thought Happy Pun Time was over! *chases puns away*

Osten then decides to give us a metaphor about a metaphor. You see, his temple is like a car. If it runs out of gas, it cannot run. And Osten doesn't take just only any gas for his temple. He needs Premium, baby.

Tijuana says that she'll stay around until she's either dead or voted off. Darrah agrees with her.

Darrah: "Owh, Aye deffinitelee want too staye heere, Jeyfe."

Dang it, I thought I could make it through the episode without mentioning her! *chases Darrah away to Punland*

Jeff notes that after being at about 100 Tribal Councils, Osten's the first person to quit.

*ding ding*

That sound means we're running out of time. Jeff will give the wheel a final spin. Vowels worth nothing, consonants worth... $500. Vanna, reveal our puzzle!

OSTE_ IS THE MOST PATHETIC SURVIVOR EVER

Surprisingly, Andrew, Fat Ryan, Darrah, and Tijuana all solve the puzzle instantly. Osten is gone.

Jeff: "Osten, per your wishes, go home"

*whooshing dramatic music*

(See? Sound effects are easy!)

Osten walks away, and disappears from Survivor forever. They don't even give him final words. Of course, who cares? All we would of heard would be some junk about his temple again.

To Be Continued Next Week: The Outkast Tribal Council

God, MB is schmoozing this twist.

No, not those Outkasts! Or will they come back???

*cue ominous music*

Outwit. Outplay. Outkast.

Outkast images found on MTV.com... That is OK, right?

A 2003 IceCat original