I didn’t actually watch the premiere of this show real time. You see, my bestest friend in the entire world was defending her doctoral thesis. Now, after watching the tape of this show, it is most definitely a toss-up as to whether FLOM 4 or a kinetic analysis of drosophila muscle myosin isoforms is more riveting.

First, let me supply a few answers to some FAQ:

1. That didn’t really happen in the show. I watched it thirty-six times and I *know* that it didn’t happen that way. Why are you lying to me?

Just as certain moments of the show are edited for artistic purposes, so will certain parts of my summary.

2. You totally hate this show and everyone on it. Why are they letting you summarizing it?

You can read a factual summary on many different boards, including the NBC website. Many summarizers, including myself, tend to write somewhat satirically. Please enjoy or find another summary somewhere else that you can enjoy.

3. You are a hater. You must be an unemployed journalist and you are most definitely fat and ugly too.

And your question is? This part, sadly, is true. I am totally unemployed, and I am hoping against hope that some editor out there will read my work on this website and hire me. Or maybe an escort service. In the meantime, I’m working on my trashy novel and trying to get noticed for The Swan. I have 3,692 pounds to lose and I need reconstructive surgery on most of my features. On the other hand, there is really nothing one can do about my spiteful and malicious attitude, but all of the pretty pills that the doctor has prescribed me have kept me from torturing innocent kittens. The guilty kittens, however, are totally fair game.

And we’re off. There is a little recrap of Preston choosing PJ, and the happy couple walking hand and hand off into the sunset, where they can hibernate for two months before they announce their break up and start the next part of their careers. Rachel is not chosen. She is heartbroken, and sobs inconsolably for about ten seconds until the producers proposition her about returning and having 15 men vying for her affections. Rachel is suddenly uncontrollably and deliriously happy. She can’t remember what she liked about Preston, or even his last name. This is the best day of her life.

However, dun dun da! She is not the only one. Because neither she nor Andrea got black eyes or clumps of hair pulled out by the root, someone in the production area has the bright idea of bringing Andrea back. She is billed as Rachel’s biggest rival. Now, I don’t know about you, but being that PJ was the one that actually captured the heart and the affection of Preston, can we not safely say that PJ was indeed Rachel’s biggest rival?

Jordan gives us some rules which are going to be broken later anyway, but 15 men are about to arrive. Each man will know the value of the check, but the women won’t. At the first elimination, one woman will remain. The men will not know that the women have been here before and know the game. The women are each without a clue. Oh, and also they don’t have any idea that the other has been asked back also. The woman who is eliminated leaves with nothing.

We meet the guys. The only funny part is when one of the girls says in a voice over that she is looking for a guy that shares the same morals and values that she has. Hmm…methinks she won’t have much of a problem. These guys appear just as slimy as both of the girls. Enter Jordan Murphy. He explains the rules to the guys. They all pretend to be surprised.

David K: Oh, Lord, Oh Lord, yes. Or Oh, Lord, this is not what I thought it was. Well, David, that last sentence will get you kicked out of bed. Every time.

Mike: How do you put a price tag on love?

Someone: I’d love anyone for a million dollars. Yeah, that’s what Martha Stewart’s ex-husband thought also. Some things are priceless. But for what money can buy, use Mastercard.

Morgan: Game on. This little commentary reminded me of Wayne’s World. You know the part where they have the hockey game set up in the street and they keep having to take it down and put it back up every time a car passes by. Come to think of it, Morgan totally reminds me of Mike Myers. This is not a good thing.

Steven: Greed is one of the greatest deadly sins. I smell it coming off all of the *other* guys. Steven, my father used to tell me this. He who smelt it, dealt it. My mother used to tell me this. It takes one to know one.

So then they get to pick their checks. Now, I ask you, why do the guys in FLOM 4 get to know the value of their checks and the girls in FLOM 3 didn’t initially? I’ll spare you the gender disparity rant this time, but sheesh.

David S: I picked the 8th check, because my ex-girlfriend’s lucky number was 8 and I thought it would give me good karma. Sweetie, your ex-girlfriend is probably not going to try and help you find the next victim lucky lady. She’s not thinking good thoughts about you at all.

Steven turns around so he doesn’t have to see the amount and his check and be tempted by the deadly greed. He probably doesn’t peek at the neighbor girl when she changes either.

The guys don’t believe that Steven turned around and didn’t peek at the neighbor girl value of the check. The curtains were open and everything. Any guy who doesn’t look is a bold faced lier.

Rachel appears. There is some very subtle foreshadowing. I almost didn’t get it. Then Andrea appears. There is a flashback to all of the drama from the previous season. Then, four eyes meet across an empty patio and the surprise is almost too much for me to stand. Both of the girls DR that the other was the last person they wanted to see. They are catty and there is an eye roll or two thrown in for good measure, but all in all, it's disappointing. Not even a pillow fight to be had.

Andrea: (*smugly laughing*) So, I guess you weren’t chosen last season.

Rachel: I guess not. I would have told Andrea that I *was* chosen but let PJ have him.

Rachel DR: If I didn’t have the $1, and hadn’t signed those pesky documents, I would have so walked away. I am a quitter.

They meet the guys. The first one is Steven. He is worth $1. He is 23 years old, from Philadelphia, PA. He has listed as his occupation a Matchmaker. Obviously, he’s not too successful if he has to go on this show. And this guy is a total tool. He had his question all prepared, and her response all prepared also. I’m all for the Boy Scout Motto: Be Prepared and sh!t, but there is such a thing as being spontaneous and also actually listening to what someone else has to say. He was totally thrown for a loop when there were two girls to speak to at once. One too many variables for our friend Steven here. He also doesn’t chew gum and walk at the same time.

Next up, Caleb, worth $1,000,000. He’s 30 years old, from Phoenix, AZ and his occupation is listed as real estate. Like what? Is he a realtor? Does he own a mobile home in a swanky trailer park? He wants to know whether the girls know each other. This throws them for a loop. No, no, we have never seen each other before. I mean, subsequent to the point when we gouged each other's eyes out.

And then, we have Morgan. He’s worth $1, 32 years old. He’s originally from Chicago, but now he lives in Los Angeles. He’s in Sales. Andrea calls him “cutie” which irritates Rachel. I think it’s a good move to have a pet name like this for all of the guys. It saves you the trouble of having to remember names. In fact, can I just call everyone “cutie” throughout the rest of this summary?

We then meet 26 year-old Chris. Chris is worth $250,000. He’s from Tempe, Arizona and is a Fitness Professional. I wonder if that means that he is one of *those* personal trainers. He does state on the NBC website that the reason he hasn’t found the right girl is because of he’s been busy with his growing “business.” If that’s what his name is for his anatomy, that’s really not important. Andrea is p!ssed at Rachel because Rachel cut things short with him. I didn't think things could go long with him anyway, ifyaknowwhatimean.

Josh is from Lake Tahoe, Nevada. He is also “real estate.” He is worth $500,000. Andrea nearly says that she was just in Lake Tahoe, but catches herself in time. Good save, Andrea! I mean, after all, he could immediately make the link and deduce that she was in the house before if she lets him know that she had been to Lake Tahoe before. Phew! That *was* a close one.

David K. comes up and kisses both of the girls on the cheeks. He is worth $1,000,000. His hometown is Waimea, HI (I am officially jealous) and he works as an EMT.

Chad is a 28 year-old Bar Manager from Tarboro, NC. He’s worth $100,000. He is confused. Apparently, he is confused at more than just this game, because on the NBC website, he would combine his mother together with Jackie Onasis and Carmen Electra to create his ideal mate. Oedipus complex? Anyone?

Rudy is not at all reimiscent of Rudy from Survivor 1. This guy is smarmy. He’s a Mortgage Banker from Danvers, MA, although he now lives in Middleton, MA. Neither city I know anything about. He is 27 years-old. He thinks the more women, the merrier. He tells the girls that he is a male stripper, and that two women are better than one. Rudy, honey, while that is usually the case, two fighting women will often make you wish there were none.

David S. cannot really be 28, can he? He has a total baby face. He is only worth $1. He is originally from Pittsburgh, PA, but now lives in Miami, FL. He works in Healthcare Sales & Marketing. The three women that he would combine to create his ideal mate would be his mom, Jessica Simpson or Jessica Alba and Oprah or Nancy Reagan. I shudder to think about this combination. Besides the Freudian thought, Jessica Simpson? Nancy Reagan? Orca Oprah???

Alex is worth $500,000. He is from Chicago. Rachel goes on and on about this. Andrea DR: What else to you have to offer, sweetie? When asked what three women Alex would combine to create his ideal mate, he says, “I'd like to phone a friend on this one. ‘Hey, Hef.....Who's living at the mansion right now?’” Ummm…Alex, just because you got a special Lifetime Subscription Award from Hef’s magazine, this doesn’t mean that he knows you by name. 5,000,000 other guys living in the state of Illinois earned that very same Award.

Wes is from Atlanta, Georgia and he is a massage therapist. I’m pretty sure that he might have some of the same duties as a personal trainer. Anyway, he is worth $100,000 and he looks familiar. Have we seen him before?

Ben is from Chicago also. Andrea interrupts Rachel to tell Ben that Rachel is from Chicago. He is worth $1,000,000 and is in Hotel Management. He is all over Andrea.

Brian is originally from San Francisco, CA, but now lives in Fullerton, CA. That practically makes us neighbors. I’ll have to keep an eye out for this one. He’s 26 years old and into Software Sales. He’s also still caught up in his ex. She is a component of his ideal mate. He’s worth $50,000.

I like Jai. Really, I do. This is also foreshadowing. Whenever I like someone, they don’t stay around long. He is a 32 years-old Investment Banker from Houston. Andrea decides to share with Jai that her father used to play for the Houston Astros. Rachel, needless to say, thinks that Andrea should focus on selling herself and not her father. Hello, pot; meet kettle. Edited: because I nearly made an inappropriate racist comment in our token ethnic player’s paragraph. Thanks, Omaroosa, for helping me realize what a racist person I truly am. He’s only worth $1. I wonder if saying that he is worth a certain amount will invoke memories of slavery – when African American individuals were bought and sold for certain amounts of money. Oh, dear. What a pickle. I hope I have offended the maximum number of people possible.

Mike is last. He is 27 years old, from Santa Monica, CA. His occupation is listed as Corporate. I don’t get him. One of the top three factors that he shares that is necessary to create a successful relationship is Timing. Here is what he says about it: The “10 items or less lane” best depicts timing. If a person has everything they need, you can give them nothing. They would have to switch lanes to acquire more. If this makes any sense at all to you, please respond to this post and tell me what the heck that means. He would combine a blonde, brunette and a redhead to create his ideal mate. I hope that Rachel and Andrea have a lot of hair dye. He mentions that he likes basketball. Rachel purports to like basketball also. Andrea DR that she would like to play one-on-one with Rachel. Most guys I know would like to watch a little one-on-one action between Rachel & Andrea, too. Andrea thinks she would win. The jury is still out on this one.

The cats sharpened their claws, but no damage was done. The girls are going to prepare separate lunches for the guys. Andrea, an event planner, whips together penne alla vodka, Greek salad, and wine. Rachel makes something with chicken and cream cheese (weird) and Feta cheese. She forgets the alcohol, so naturally, all of the guys end up migrating over to Andrea’s table.

Elimination

Rachel: This is *my* show, not Andrea’s. Honey, you’ll need more than that million to buy the rights to this show.

So, then Fake Hostess says that the ladies won’t be eliminating the guys. The ladies are standing on each side of the staircase and guys will be picking which lady they would like to remain by going and standing on the staircase behind the lady.

Eight guys pick Rachel, and seven guys pick Andrea. Andrea is eliminated with her entourage. The guys that picked Rachel are Mike, Morgan, Rudy, Chris, Josh, Caleb, Alex, and David S. It has been bandied about that the reason that some of these guys picked Rachel is for strategy. Some might think that Rachel lacks confidence and would be an easier target. It’s kind of like identifying and targeting the semi-attractive woman in the bar because she is more approachable. Not that I would know anything about that because I am always the DUFF.

Andrea contends that in the real world Rachel couldn’t hold a candle to her. All in all, the cat fighting was tame. I would fire the production assistant who had this bright idea. We didn't get to see them smear each other with whipped cream and kick box on trampolines.

Steven starts to cry about how he wanted to make his family proud. He goes on and on about how he wants to be a good husband and a father. Good grief. This guy is 23. He is a Matchmaker. He should have plenty of opportunities to meet Ms. Right. Maybe if he would peek at the neighbor at his check every now and then, he could form a better strategy on how to play the game.

Next week: the dates begin. Rachel gets mauled by a wild animal named Josh. Maybe this is when the cat fight begins? But who thinks Andrea will be back before the end of this one? Who thinks that the guy will choose money over Rachel, causing a nuclear meltdown? There will be more twists on this Reality Unscripted Television Show. It *will* be more exciting than kinetic analysis of drosophila muscle myosin isoforms. Stay tuned!

Slice and Dice Chop Shop 2004