LAST EDITED ON 06-05-07 AT 12:59 PM (EST)

The Entirely UnCopied UnPlagiarized UnOfficial Summary of
Pirate Master

Hi everyone! You won’t believe this, but earlier this year MB called us into his office and told us that he was sending us on a pirate-themed cruise for a few weeks. It was good to be back in home waters from the Pacific. We were really impressed with the Picton Castle and were enjoying a rather randy version of Pirate and the Damsel, replete with bodice ripping, mast tying and lashes, when suddenly out of the mist came a boat with all of our camera and reporting equipment. Seems the bodice-ripping denouement will have to wait. This is no pleasure cruise in the Caribbean for us -- turns out it's a working vacation with MB’s newest brainchild. And so, diligent roving reporters that we are, we bring you Pirate Master.

Pirate Master, Episode 1

Haven't We Seen This Before?

Previously on Pirate Master .… Er, ah, wait, there was no previously. Previously to Pirate Master, the production crew, writers and editors of Survivor decided to enhance their resumes, use up leftover graphics and artwork from Fiji, and pledge fealty to the Great Exec himself, Mark Burnett. Sensing the impending demise of the original Survivor franchise, everyone got together to choose that which still works for Survivor, and then tweak and steal a lot of tested schemes from every other reality show in existence.

...

We open with a historical shot of George Washington crossing the Delaware. No, wait, there’s no ice. It's the press-ganged crew rowing to join up as pirates on a magnificent ship left over from Master and Commander, or possibly another plunder by Burnett from a Disney production. Didn’t the first beached and broken sand-embedded ship get burned down after the dead torches of the nearly forgotten were placed? Or was that the dry bones driftwood ship of Exile Island? I’m already confused. This is the right network and timeslot, isn’t it? Same Bat-time without the bats. Yet. We’ve gone green and recycled the skulls, I see.

Who is this strange man with a sort of Australian accent, and what has he done with Jeffy? Two minutes in and already there's a Pirate-jihadist kidnapping to solve? So this will be like Columbo meets Columbus and Blackbeard. Will we get native extras as well? I can't wait. "Make no mistake about it, this is a working cruise." And you will suffer vast ... sufferings. At least he didn’t say “never before seen on Pirate Master.” "Grab a line, me maties!" "You four there, the rest of you over there. Heave away!"

Is it an anchor they're weighing? No, they're lifting up a huge dripping treasure chest. The fabled Chest of Zanzibar. Two maps are to be found in the chest.

Rupert! *love* Oh my God, Rupert! Ah, wait a minute, you’re not Rupert. It’s Louie, Fishing Dock Operator {#1 ID}. Well, it doesn’t matter. From now on to us you’re Rupert2. He cackles in a happy Rupertesque style. He knows about getting a catch onboard. He smells treasure -- or maybe he just smells. Only time will tell.

The discovery of this chest confirms the legend of Captain Henry Steel, who looted over 100 ships. He captained the Ruby Dagger, circumnavigating the globe and loaded it down with booty. He buried his treasure whilst being chased around the island of Dominica, and went out to battle his pursuer, HMS Gallant. A prescient crewmember penned:

We be brave, we be bold,
but with King’s men starboard stern,
we be sure to not grow old.

Yo ho, Yo ho, such was a pirate’s life. And he had a better command of the King’s English than any Burnett writer. Ah, wait again. What ho that “discovery?” The ropes were around it and through pulleys on the yardarm already. Mark Burnett looted the prop department of Pirates of the Caribbean a few times, it seems. Dominica, still actively volcanic, is where they filmed that (#s 2 and 3, at least), and is also home to the world’s second largest boiling lake. That’s one big hottub, mon. The legend says that there's buried treasure to be found using the maps inside the chest. The whole lot’s worth a million dollars. “What you find, you get to keep and take with you at voyage’s end.”

Boy, this sure looks like a Survivor spin-off without the opening music, the cast list, and Jeffy. The biggest difference seems to be that the money trickles in instead of dropping a big bang payday at the end. On the other hand, nobody is going to screw anyone out of a truck, or talk to their Woodberry, or claim dead grandmothers will cry buckets in heaven if they don’t get a reward. Pirates don’t whine, they simply kill all interlopers.

Jay, Auto Parts Salesman {#2 ID}, says he's eager to "relieve them of their money." That’s a nice sentiment for a pirate, but that statement might just bite him in the tush when he goes back to selling automotive parts. Anyway, they're setting sail for the Island of Dominica, since they've all had a crash course of training in sailing a pirate ship of sail. Yeah, like the Survivors’ fire making and survival training took hold, eh?

The chest has many locked compartments. Shades of Louis XIV's carpenter. Who is going to show their false bottom drawers, and sink into the oblivion of yet another Burnett show’s early departure? Hie thee to the back row of the Reunion Show, assuming we’re not canceled before then.

Confessional: Ben, Musician {#3 ID}, needs to pay off his student loans, so he's eager.

Grog Time! Let's all clank and toast to the wind in our hair, the salt spray in our eyes and the rum in our bellies. Christian, Ex NFL Kansas City Running Back {#4 ID}, likes the adventure. Cheryl, Deputy District Attorney {#5 ID}, is using a stealth plan about her curriculum vitae. She’s redacted evidence to obstruct her discovery. The girls cackle. And party. And they have wild eye makeup, not to mention the makeshift bodices with spilling breasts that Ra and Uncle Cameraman are just about coming to blows over filming.

"Look out for red haired foxes," says Fabio, er, John, Scientist/Exotic Dancer {#6 ID}. What the heck kind of chemical reaction created that hybrid biological? Is that a good pick-up line?

Joy, Receptionist {#7 ID}, isn't all that impressed. John is too "in your space" for her liking, she says with an affected voice.

Freaks and wierdos about, says John. Jay is philosophical about it; he's ready to be the Pirate Master and slit some throats. Aarrrghhh!

Cue the slow pan up the ship to the Pirate Flag on the mast, and the time-lapse sunrise. Ra, get me a parrot, preferably one not pining for the fjords. Jeeze, EncyclopediaRa misses the Monty Python flyover and informs me that the Sisserou parrot (varient of the standard Imperial Amazon) is Dominica’s national bird, on it’s flag, and is indigenous to its mountain forests. There is a thriving recruitment industry conducted by pirates and a school for shoulder perching and backtalk. Shut up and kiss me, Ra. I know you like your nature shots, but we’re working here for Chrissakes, not doing a National Geographic piece.

Morning watch on deck, ye swabbies! Time to make sail. The lithe scramble up the rigging. Christian is too heavy and uncoordinated to try to learn the ropes. He’s there to cushion any falls along with some of the unskilled eyecandy. Amongst able seamen, they'd be called lubbers, or, worse, awkward.

Sean, Bartender {#8 ID}, claims genetic sea-blood coming from his father, who was a captain, and he's spent time on the ocean before. And he possesses a bevy of traits that will help him, such as good grog-tending skills. So he's a ringer.

Alas, for those who don't have such experience, there's Joy, who signed onto a sailing voyage when the only thing she knows about the ocean is that it’s wet. She’s getting seasick. She practices her own version of pitch, yaw and spew.

They drop anchor off the island. Joe Don, Fire Fighter {#9 ID}, was in the Navy for two years. So he has shipboard experience, as well as a knack for taking over. He doesn't mind pissing people off or kicking off people with an attitude. That sounds like the galley calling the mess hall black to me. The blonde guy {no ID} is worrying about it being discovered he has a tie-mate, so he’s already planning an UTR existence to hide his nascent alliance with Joe Don.

Two bells! *ding* *ding* The ship's cat comes running for din din. Go catch a rat, you Pavlovian sloth of a maritime feline.

The still unidentified alien who kidnapped Jeff Probst shouts, "Pirates to the wheelhouse! With the Chest of Zanzibar discovered, it's time to unlock its secrets: 14 compartments, 14 secrets." Yes, let's "find out what the first one is." Drawwwwwn out ... wait for it. "Two maps, two compasses. We'll have to pick two crews."

Oh my, it's the dreaded colored marbles. Is it Tribal Plank Council time already? Oh, just picking red or black balls from a sack to form two crew teams. What, no purple or blue balls?

The pirate crews are decided and get their colored armbands. We still don't know all their names. That's the way it is on a pirate ship, I guess. The first crew to discover the hidden treasure chest "will keep all of the gold in it." The other comes back empty handed, says NotJeffy.

Joy and Joe Don are for some reason (because we know their names or they're just bold enough to step up?) designated to receive the compasses and "mappage." Er, maybe that was "map each," those Aussies talk funny. At least we didn't get a lame set of rhymes. “Pirates to the long boats!” I doubt they actually did the lowering.

The map sends them paddling up the Indian River. And they’re instructed to, as Yogi Berra said, “pick up the fork in the road river, making a critical left, and find a dead man's tree.” Then on foot they are to find three buried keys that will unlock and lower a skeleton cage that holds their next map.

OK, we have the rowing competition stage for starters. Some are in sync, others, well, .... So the uncoordinated go off course. Jay, in a rare flash of brilliance from those who've passed Burnett's casting couch, discovers the boat has a rudder. It helps Red Crew, although they don’t seem to understand that most basic of rowing rules: oars must move in the same direction at the same time.

Ben, Musician {#10 ID}, (he's the blonde buddy-buddy to Joe Don, I think; didn't I already ID him? That's how UTR he is) talks about his Black Crew getting to land and tying off to a tree. Well, at least that makes them smarter than some Survivors we have seen in the past. How many boats have been lost by inept Survivors? Ah well, that’s in the past, and now it's swamp wallow walk time! Deep mud covered by suspiciously dry dead leaves. Ben loses his shoe and spends a good amount of time trying to retrieve it from the muck.

Black Crew hustling through the muck. At least our unknown Jeffy impersonator isn't giving us running commentary.

Red Crew shows up after Black Crew has found their keys. John proves he's at least as smart as Lisi and can count to three. He handles the locksmithing.

Ugghh! Muck, maggots and map. Such alliteration. Never mind the science (as the crew will say to John later), maggots need flesh, not bone. Just like Global Warming Syndrome Blamers need emotion, not science.

Now we're on to The Amazing Race-type information overvoice about roadblocks and sabotaging the crew behind by sword-chopping a rope to raise a big net that will block the river after they find the sword and skull landmark. The net doesn't look that impassable to Ra, though. "Can you say 'portage?'" he laughs. Oh, how soon we forget the caliber of contestants Burnett chooses -- that net will keep them busy for hours.

Cheryl confessionals a repeat of the obvious. "The first crew to get there can slow down the other crew." It doesn’t matter Cheryl; whichever crew you are on, you’re going to slow it down. The map reads "Your boat be needed to reach his lair." Treasure is under a crocodile's head underwater at a site marked by … you guessed it, more skulls. Shudder, I hope they find the dead head and not a live one. Ra, naturally, hopes it’s a live croc so he will finally get the Emmy he deserves.

At Crocodile's Lair, Black Crew drops into the water and begins talking about searching. Red Crew is on their tail by now, but encounter the blocking net. They work their way through. The crews do a lot of swimming and splashing, just the thing to attract crocs. Our Heidi look-alike {no ID} does about what you'd expect a Heidi to do -- she looks for chocolate and peanut butter. Her hair doesn't even get wet.

John the exotic scientist calculates and ponders about mangroves and crocs and water and finds the treasure chest, which is FULL OF CRABS! And gold pieces. After explaining to his crew that the crustaceans were needed in the chest to keep the shiny gold pieces barnacle free, there was much rejoicing. And despair, depending on the tribe, er, crew. And mood music. And a cut to commercial.

And we're back. Jay laments his crew's mistakes. John explains again how he's here to be Pirate Master.

There are $500, $100, $20 sized denominations of gold coins. They count it up. $40,000. The crew must elect a captain. "JD" everyone but John says. Hahahaha, shiver me timbers! Is there enough foreshadowing already? And so JD gets half the booty according to the as yet unpublished but soon to be legislated Pirate Master Code, §1040(A) line 57. He picks two officers: Cheryl and Ben, who get half of the other half. Rest of the crew splits the quarter remaining. That division of spoils was similar to how it was done with the British Navy, too, except the Admiral who did nothing got a piece of the pie. But then, should this show take off in the ratings, MB might just make us call him Admiral.

JD becomes a big target, because the swabs have to obey him and his officers. So now we've got a Big Brother or This Old House or such aspect to the show. Alexis, Fashion Publicist {#11 ID}, gets identified amidst the squabbling and whining of the mere shipmates. JD gets his tricorner hat, keys to the Captain's Quarters, and the upper class get their faded blue officer jackets.

The new Captain's Quarters are luxurious. Let the authoritarianism begin! "Assignments, duties, and consequences are your lot," says first Leutenant Cheryl. Let the mayhem commence, says Iron Saber NotJeffy. Mutiny seems imminent according to the mutterings of the crew, as Rupert2 declares he's not going to let the new captain get 50% next time.

Ra's time-lapse nature shots and the significant object, skeleton, or animal of foreshadowing imagery get more play. He likes the long high views of the ship on the water, too.

Ah, but the responsibilities of captaincy are numerous and heavy. Among them, Pirates Court. Someone is going to walk the plank tonight. Joe Don has to choose three pirates who will receive "black spots" on his letters to the crew signifying they might be voted off. They can defend themselves before the crew, who will vote one of them off. The twist is that his crew and officers could also mutiny and instead set the Captain adrift. The officers plot to rig the election.

The crew gets the news from Officer Cheryl about Pirates Court. Is someone going to go postal with the letters handed out? Joy, John, and Louie get the black spots. John steals both compasses. What? Is this a plan to extort safe passage by dangling shiny navigation baubles? Doesn't sound like a good long-term plan to me -- just ask Alex and Mookie.

Of course, it's raining for Pirates Council as "all pirates to midship" is called by NotJeffy. The three black-spotted dogs get to make a pudding speech, a plea, roll a cannon ball, whatever, to ask for mercy. If the crew and officers rise as one, they can make the Captain walk the plank. Rupert2 says he'll work hard and honestly (oh yeah, that always works). He does get in a nice sonnet for the wenches' vote. Joy tilts her head a lot and speaks as if she’s scolding her six year old. Fabio, er, John, says he's improperly perceived as dangerous, and that the Captain should go. Then he holds up the compasses as hostages, and goes on a rant about how great he is and divvying up the money. He says the Captain should get the black spot.

Joe Don speaks with the eloquence befitting a commanding officer. "At night, the Big Dipper points to the North Star. You know where north is, you know where south is, then you know where east and west are. In the day, you can put a stick in the mud (or Ben, under the right circumstances), it casts a shadow, mark it, wait 30 minutes, it casts another shadow." I'd figure it's casting a shadow all the time, but who am I to quibble. But I get the idea that an east-west line can be drawn. And a stick in the boat doesn't do much good, unless you've got good geo-orientation skills. JD doesn't need John's compasses, or his stinking badges.

John retorts cleverly, asking JD to point north. Uh-oh, it's cloudy (remember the rain?). We can tell by the clouds passing in front of the full moon. (Ra likes the astronomical shots.) No stars. "I have an idea. We'll have to wait for the day."

Finally, NotJeffy points to a large knife on a table on the deck, and proclaims that it's time to vote. They all look around for pen and parchment slips. “No, no, no,” says NotJeffy, “you spike, not write.” Yet another new twist.

NotJeffy says "10 cards, 10 ballots, make sure you still have 10 fingers, and let's see what you've done."

Joy rejoins the crew; her voyage continues. Louie rejoins the crew. Unanimous decision -- "John, your voyage has ended and you will be cut adrift." The Captain does the honors with his saber. Such a waste of good hemp. Where are my papers? Who'll have to splice that back together for our next episode? 'Tis quite the motley raft John floats off on. At least he has a lantern. When he falls off or is rescued by the NotJeffyBoat, will they reuse the raft for the next gdrifter?

"I like to play big and play hard," says John about his style in the exit confessional. My parrot just looks at him and rolls his eyes -- that’s never a good sign.

On the next Pirate Master, the absolute power of captaincy corrupts Joe Don's head. Jay is bribed to be his inside man with the crew. A girl screeches and gets lumped over a guy’s shoulder "as an injury jeopardizes everything."

Jeepers, we don't even know all the crew or who NotJeffy is. And there was no montage of the cast, and it's still a measley million all told. Is this any way to run a Survivor knockoff? So many questions remain, like "Where's the ship's cook?" When does the man-overboard rescue challenge happen?

Polly says “Squaaawwwwk! Backstab. Backstab! Who’s the backstabber? Squaaawwk!”

• RE: Roving Reports - The UnOfficial Pirate Master Ep. 1 Summary,Snidget, 12:27 PM, 06-02-07
• RE: Roving Reports - The UnOfficial Pirate Master Ep. 1 Summary,qwertypie, 12:53 PM, 06-02-07
• RE: Roving Reports - The UnOfficial Pirate Master Ep. 1 Summary,cahaya, 01:40 PM, 06-02-07
• RE: Roving Reports - The UnOfficial Pirate Master Ep. 1 Summary,bullzeye, 04:59 PM, 06-02-07
• RE: Roving Reports - The UnOfficial Pirate Master Ep. 1 Summary,mysticwolf, 06:29 PM, 06-02-07
• RE: Roving Reports - The UnOfficial Pirate Master Ep. 1 Summary,Estee, 06:55 PM, 06-02-07
• RE: Roving Reports - The UnOfficial Pirate Master Ep. 1 Summary,whoami, 06:59 PM, 06-02-07
• Good Grog,foonermints, 09:04 PM, 06-03-07
• RE: Roving Reports - The UnOfficial Pirate Master Ep. 1 Summary,CTgirl, 10:03 AM, 06-04-07
• RE: Roving Reports - The UnOfficial Pirate Master Ep. 1 Summary,mattben, 05:31 PM, 06-13-07

Woo and Hoo!!!

A rollickin' good time!!

Arrrrrrrrgh!