Gay Idol Journal – Country Week
by Larry Todd Johnson

Idle Thoughts: First of all, thanks to those of you who dragged me screaming out of my hiatus from all-things-reality. For those of you who had suspected I had fallen off the face of the Earth, the truth is… I did. (And for those of you who have never done it, I must warn that it is every bit as painful as it sounds.) Rest assured, I have clawed my way back to the Earth, and with my dietician, masseur, personal trainer, and guru have brought myself to an even more pristine state than previous. (And my pecs are huge.)

For those of you who wish to avoid falling off the face of the Earth, I offer the following tips:

1. Never trust a man who tells you he didn’t call you over the weekend because he lost his phone. Or the battery died.
2. Never trust a man who tells you he just likes to flirt and would never cheat on you. And that his hands were just down some guy’s pants because he was fixing the guy’s VPL (visible panty lines.)
3. Never trust a man who tells you that guy he’s spending all sorts of time with at your expense is ‘just a friend.’ And the fact that they have matching cold sores is just a coincidence.
4. Never trust a man who says he spends all sorts of time in the sauna at the gym with his friend to ‘help him relax.’
5. Never trust a man who (fill in your reason here.)
6. You get the picture.

Idol Thoughts: Before we discuss the contestants… lets talk about the biggest Fashion Citation of the night. What in the hell happened to Kenny Rogers’ face? I swear he is completely unrecognizable. Was he in some tragic fire that I wasn’t aware of? If not… then someone please keep him off the plastic surgeon’s table again… before he starts to look like Jocelyn Wildenstein… or worse <shudder> Bruce Jenner!

This Week’s Diva Rankings

1. Kellie
To be clear, I want to state for the record that Kellie is not one of my favorites. However, this column does not play favorites, it simply gives credit where credit is due. It is country week, after all… and Kellie looked fierce, sang confidently and aggressively, and owned the stage. Her sleek blonde hair was spot-on… her black jeans were appropriately tight… and the red roushed silk back-lace bustier was modern and sexy as hell, while still giving off a ‘saloon whore’ vibe that was song appropriate. She may never win this title again, but for this week, Diva of the Week goes to Miss Kelly Pickler.

2. Chris
Chris was a Diva runner-up tonight for a few reasons. I loved his jeans, his wide leather buckled cuff, his silver cross necklace, and especially his raw-edged army green fitted shirt. I also loved his severely pointed brown leather boots. Best male outfit of the night. (I want to buy that one for myself.) My quibble remains with his odd facial hair, and the constant mutation of its shape. This week, it was in the form of a spotty goatee. Sweetie, if you can’t grow a real goatee, then don’t even try. And what’s up with his tiny manicured comma-shaped eyebrows? Someone take the tweezers away from this newborn metrosexual before he drifts into drag queen territory.

3. Ace
Listen, I’m as shallow as the next guy (let’s be honest, I’m probably shallower than the next guy, unless the next guy happens to be my ex-boyfriend) and I have to admit Ace ranks this high just because I want to sleep with him. And I do mean sleep… with the appropriate period of cuddling, mussing each other’s hair, and fighting over who gets the blankets. (Now his BROTHER, on the other hand, I’d like to bone. But that’s another story.) So now that this confession is out of the way… this week he did not disappoint. He wore a sexy black fitted dress shirt, dress jeans, and a big shiny rhinestone belt buckle that screamed ‘here’s Ace’s crotch!’ (as if we needed a reason to stare at his crotch.) I’m not completely loving the extreme center part in his hair recently… but that’s a minor concern really. Mostly I just think he’s… dreamy. Now if we could just do something about his nervous quivering, his whiny singing voice, and his deer-in-the-headlights stare, and maybe he’d be a credible performer.

4. Brokeback Bucky
It’s a complete fluke this week that Bucky ranks this high on my list, don’t expect it to happen again. Here’s what happened… Bucky came out in a light brown butter-suede jacket, taupe western shirt, dark distressed jeans and boots… and I immediately was transported to Brokeback Mountain, imagining him in my tent. (In the tent, it would be dark, so I couldn’t see his snaggled teeth and spotty blonde facial hair.) So… he’s no Heath Ledger… but anyone who goes to such length to imitate the wardrobe from the most romantic gay mainstream film of all time, has to get some Diva points from me. (I’m sure the totally gay wardrobe guy lisped ‘the jacket HASSSS to be fawn butter-suede!)

5. Paris
Imagewise, Paris is not one of my favorites so far this season. But girl had a good night, so I have to give her props. The short sassy ‘natural’ looking hairstyle was the best one yet (many of them have been atrocious.) I liked her big sassy brown suede boots, her jeans, and her many-buttoned white poofy blouse. And I didn’t detest the chunky metal charm-bracelet belt, though it was a bit silly. What I hated, however, was her odd brown suede lace-front bustier (which really resembled the hideous one Daniel designed for Chloe this season on Project Runway, and might have been booted off for it, had he nod won immunity.) It was unflattering… and it made the white shirt bunch up underneath in an unappealing way. Still, all-in-all, a much-improved night for Paris.

6. Elliott
The most improved contestant, however, is Elliott. I loved the maroon dress shirt (with French cuffs!) that he wore over a black graphic-T. I also loved the well-fitting blasted jeans (a vast improvement over the ridiculously-baggy ones he used to wear.) And his hair is infinitely better now that it is longer… and no longer has that oddly precise cropped hairline. Unfortunately, he still has a long way to go. If only Extreme Makeover was a Fox show, perhaps there would be hope for Elliott. Imagine… Twelve new DaVinci Porcelain Veneers! Ears pinned back! Nose refined and reshaped! Oddly shaped facial hair removed forever by laser! The list goes on and on…

7. Taylor
Taylor stood stiffly at center stage and sang ‘Country Roads’ in a completely tick-free performance that was perhaps the most boring one by anyone so far this season. (Did he take a sedative or something? Is there medication for Tourette’s?) Frankly I preferred him when he spasmed and whooped. Equally dull was his wardrobe. His boxy black jacket, black and grey striped shirt, and dark jeans did nothing for him (though I do like his newly-shorter grey hair.) On a side note, I’ve noticed that he sometimes appears constipated and furrowed when he sings challenging high notes. A bit of Botox between the eyes would cure that. I know your only 29, Taylor, but you already look 40. You’d better start de-aging now before it’s too late.

8. Katherine
Poor misguided Katherine is perhaps the most beautiful girl in the competition… and arguably the most beautiful American Idol finalist ever. So why is she constantly making such frumpy wardrobe choices? Yes, we know you are hippy, girl, we don’t care! We love your ample #####! As of FOUR YEARS AGO curves are back in (didn’t you get the memo?) We like your figure, don’t feel like you have to hide it! This week’s frumpy choice included a pale suede cropped-waist jacket, which might have been sexy were it not layered over a long baggy purple t-shirt. Her jeans were okay… but I think the ripped center thigh thing isn’t really working for her; I’d like to see something a bit more classy. And one final diss… that had to be the stupidest song I’ve ever heard in my life. I got every word (her diction was fine) but the lyrics seemed to be strung together in some indecipherable pattern. I thought perhaps Katherine got them wrong, then I went online to get the lyrics, and indeed she sang every nonsensical word correctly. (There’s a cheer within a jeer for you, Kat!) On a more positive note: her hair and makeup, as always, were gorgeous.

9. Mandisa
Well, the voters sure got this one right, because Mandisa earned the biggest Fashion Citation of the night. If I were to choose an outfit for her that would be an example of the worst possible wardrobe choice she could make, it probably still wouldn’t have been as hideous as this monstrosity. How hideous was it? Let me count the ways. First, any woman of her size should know to NEVER EVER wear vertical stripes. Secondly, the asymmetrical hem on the top, longer on the outside than the inside, is exactly the opposite of the correct choice for her figure… it had the effect of widening her at the hips. (Had she gone with a top that came to a ‘V’ instead of an inverted ‘V,’ it would have downplayed her hips.) Thirdly, the pattern was unforgivable. It frankly looked like the tacky 70’s wallpaper that you immediately scrape off as soon as you but your fixer-upper home. Or like the rick-rack throw rugs my drunk mother used to crochet out of old scraps of yarn in various shades of brown and orange. Finally, the jeans were unflatteringly ill-fitting, the hair was mushroom-like, and her exposed arms flapped like wings long after the song was completed. Voted out 4/5/06, and I say, good riddance!

Conspiracy theory of the week: After the gay stylist heard Mandisa’s ‘lifestyle’ slam last week… this week he came to her and said… ‘Honey, have I got the outfit for you!”

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