This Turkey is Done!

Things I am thankful for on this Thanksgiving:
Joe Millionaire is finally over! Never has a show dragged on so ponderously for so long. I mean—really! These are just some of the things that happen faster than the action of Joe Millionaire:
1 - A watched pot boils.
2 - Paint dries.
3 – Saguaro cactus grow
4 – The Antarctic Ice Sheet advances.
5 – Continental drift.
6 – The sun cools and collapses.
And I am barely exaggerating here, folks! Do you know how hard it is to summarize eternity? Let’s see. Where did Deb leave off? Oh yeah…

Cat is sitting on the settee in the Grand Salon wearing her $1,000 chastity belt that doesn’t work and her usual self-involved expression. We watch her sit for the longest time while suspenseful music plays. Finally, David enters stage right, with a bunch of crappy white flowers. He chats for a minute and then swings right into ‘dump’ mode. The code words fly: ‘you’re special…’ ‘you’re beautiful…’ ‘you’re blessed…’ ‘any guy would be happy…’ yada, yada, yada. She sits there frozen while David blows her off, finally saying “I didn’t choose you, Cat.”

David leaves Cat sitting on the sofa, looking sad but not crying or anything. As she sits there, Cat’s pre-recorded voice sets the stage for Linda. “I don’t think Linda loves him”. “I don’t think she’ll say yes.” And finally, “I am sad and depressed” She walks off leaving the flowers behind.

Now only Linda remains, so of course we have the obligatory montage of Lithe & Lovely Linda scenes, while David talks about how deep his feelings for her are, and how heart broken he will be if she turns him down. Missing are the scenes where Linda talks about how much she loves David.

I check my watch. We are down to the chosen girl, and there is still an hour of showtime left. A whole hour! With the first Joe, this scene was about 5 minutes from the end. How can they possibly drag this dead dog of a show on for another hour? Answer : never underestimate Fox.

After a few commercials it’s Linda’s turn to sit on the ornate sofa. David doesn’t keep her waiting nearly as long. No flowers this time. He comes to Linda with his hat in his hand, a supplicant seeking love (or something close enough for tv).

Linda looks lovely, just lovely. She is dressed in a simple outfit of strappy black shoes, black skirt and a white halter top. When David walks in she actually jumps up and smooches him a little. David is thrilled because he can never get enough lip action ya know. Just ask Cat. And Anique. And Petra. And… where was I? Oh yeah. He looks Linda in the eyes and tells her with his best sincere cowboy expression, “You are a pure angel. I choose you.”

Linda goes “Ohhh!” and squirms with delight. Then David continues, “I wrote you a little letter, but I can’t find it.” He searches through his pockets, checks his boots, looks inside his hat and finally finds it. The letter says ‘you are a pure angel and I choose you’ or something like that. Who cares? We are all waiting for him to finally Tell The Truth. What will Linda do?

David gulps and shifts around. Maybe he feels bad. Maybe his pants are chaffing. I don’t know. He says, “Um… um… um… There’s something, um, else. Um… um… Ah’m not bein’ completely, um, honest. There is no $80 million. All I have is twenty bucks.”

Linda looks stunned and confused. Not because of the money, mind you. Oh no! Because of the dishonesty. David tells her not to say anything yet, then Paul comes in and says “Linda. It is time to leave and make your decision.”

What! She has to leave? Where’s the fun in that? Giada would have exploded! Olinda would have cut his head off! So instead of fireworks we the helpless viewing audience must endure long minutes of David looking glum while sad, glum music plays.

Linda, alone in her room, fingers her diamond bracelet then squats down to see if maybe one of the other girls left behind one of their necklaces, or at least a few coins or something worthwhile. She riffles through Cat’s luggage. No money! What does David think? That she is drawn to his charm and personality? Hah!

Later that night, Paul helps David get dressed for the big finale. David says that he never thought he’d find love on a show, and that he would be real upset if Linda rejects him. This, as we all know is called ‘foreshadowing’.

The grand entrance to the palazzo is all spiffed up for the big finale. Lots of flowers, four or five hundred little votive candles set in arches and circles. There’s even a baby grand piano and a few musicians waiting to serenade the happy couple. David is dressed up all purty like, and Paul holds a small silver tray on which is a solitaire cubic zirconium diamond ring. They wait.

They wait and wait and wait. The continent of North America drifts another half inch away from Europe. Suspenseful ‘waiting’ music plays in the background. Mind you, the fancy musicians don’t play a note. They wait like everybody else. And wait & wait and wait. The glaciers advance. Where is Linda? Where could she be? Then I remember, this is Linda we are talking about here. Little Miss I-Can’t-Stand-the-Pressure-‘sob’ Linda. She has probably run off again.

Finally, David turns to Paul. “It’s not looking too good,” he mutters.

Paul looks pained. (He’s been holding that dang little silver tray aloft for about an hour now—his elbow must be killing him.) “I suggest you stay here,” he tells David then hands off his little tray and goes inside.

We wait some more. Even the musicians are getting bored now. Finally Paul returns. “David. She’s not showing up.”

David: “Did she say why?”

Paul: “No.”

David: “Well I don’t blame her. She’s a pure girl and I’m not.” “Not all stories have a happy ending.” I, however, am curiously happy. Finally, a reality show that is realistic! A guy lies, fools around, sleeps around when he can, and then gets stood up by his best girl, right in front of his friends. Yup—that’s life! David looks dismal. The show should end here. Please let the show end here! Of course it doesn’t.

Paul gets bored and walks inside, and we watch the musicians watch David watch his watch and squirm. Why am I watching this drivel? We all know that Linda is upstairs in her room holding out for more money having a crisis like she always does. And there is still, by the clock over my TV, 25 minutes to go in this endless show. Can FOX pay her off in time?

cut to Austin, Texas

Just like that, we’re in Texas, baby. David comes down an escalator, collects his bag and is escorted to a waiting car. As they drive off he remarks “Ah’m so overwhelmed. They’s takin’ me to a little ranch ta ease me back into my real lifestyle.”

On the way there, David remembers that he left his horse tied to a tree when he went to Europe. Lucky for him, old ‘Norm’ is still alive, still tied to the dang tree. Maybe the horse is called ‘North’, maybe he’s called ‘Nerf”—it’s so hard to tell. (Sometimes I wish they would use subtitles for Texan Talk, like they did for the Euro Babes. We who live in the upper Midwest would appreciate it) But back to Norm/North. This is one fugly paint horse. David tells him all about Italy, then rides him to the little ranch where he is supposed to get back in touch with his inner cowboy. They ride past a bunch of new looking fence and a small herd of scrub cattle right up to a spiffy little ranch house.

“What a cute little house!” David exclaims

Right on cue, Paul walks out of the house dressed in his best butler garb. “Mr. Paul! How ya doin’, buddy?” David asks. I am so disappointed. See, in Italy Paul dressed up in a toga to celebrate Rome. And when they were all camping he showed up in some kind of weird 19th century Dotty English Sahib drag. Couldn’t the guy have put on chaps & spurs when he was in Texas? Or cowboy boots & hat? Heck—that’s a Presidential look!

Paul, master of surprises, pulls out a letter from Linda for David to read.

Dear David,

$orry, maybe I am a coward. I wa$ $cared and ran away (again). Plea$e under$tand—it wa$ not the money. It wa$ the lie. I could not go home becau$e I had no money I couldn’t $top thinking about you. Money mean$ nothing to me.

$incerely, Linda.

Feeling depressed, David wanders over to his best friend Nerf. While his back is turned Linda comes sneaking out of the house. “David!” she croaks in her tiny, wimpy voice. David responds “Linda!” and they run across the grass and into each other’s arms for an extended slow motion smooch. While they are hugging and stuff, a choir of angels sings in the background—to remind us how ‘pure’ Linda is, I guess.

Linda glows. David babbles, and they both proclaim “It’s love!!!” For a second there I can feel the sincerity.

Then Paul schleps out the Promise Ring again, and David slips it onto giddy Linda’s finger. They share their first televised open-mouth kiss. David says he feels like the Incredible Hulk. I check the front of his pants. Nope.

Next, Paul runs out with a covered silver platter. Linda thinks they are going to have some food but Paul whips off the top and presents Linda with a check for $250,000. And at last we see the light of true love sparkle in Linda’s eyes. Money! Real money!!! She can’t even count how much that is in Czech Koruna, and that makes her very happy indeed. The check is made out to Linda K., nice and legal like. (For those who keep track of such things, $250,000 US dollars = 6,754,737.75 Czech Koruna (CZK) . So Linda is a 6 million Koruna-aire.)

David seems real happy for Linda. Linda wants more. “What about David?” she asks.

Paul reminds David that his deal with Fox states he will get no money for playing Joe Millionaire. David nods ‘yeah, yeah’. Paul babbles on about how he was a lousy liar but his heart was true and in fairy tales a True Heart conquers all, so… for his reward “Everything you see here—the house, the 90 acre ranch and everything on it is yours!” He whips the property deed out of his coat & hands it to a very thrilled David. Linda snuggles up to her cowboy for some more smooching. If she marries David, half of that is hers!

Just then, Toto comes running out of the little house. “That’s my dog!” exclaims David. Just like that he drops Linda, falls to his knees and lets the dog lick his lips. With his mouth open. There was more tongue action in that little sequence than in all the make-out sessions with Olinda, Cat, Anique and Petra combined. Linda looks a little queasy. The world, as you know, is divided into dog-kissers and non-dog-kissers. Dog-kissers see nothing wrong with the practice. Non-dog-kissers always remember that the average dog spends 23.7 minutes per day licking their own genitals and anus. I’m guessing Linda is a non-dog-kisser.

Paul brings out some champagne. David says “my dog, my horse and my girlfriend! It doesn’t get no better than this!” Linda barely notices his priorities because she is busy trying to convert her check into Czech in her head.

Then they both get onto the long-suffering North and ride around for the cameras while we hear last words from each of them.

Linda: “I’m happy for our possible future together.”

David: “I think we have a good shot at making it.” Unfortunately I can see his face during this little speech. Let’s just say that I have watched David for weeks now, and he has that lying face on again. I will not get my hopes up.

And in the scene that we all predicted from the very start of this show—David rides off into the sunset with his girl. Aw shucks!

The End.

IceCat is a Genius