So--the next installment of BV is coming from our beloved Dangerkitty. . . but as I just gained insight into feline thinking from a fragment of a cat's diary I recently found, I can only assume she will only taunt us with a whole new crop of excuses for delay. Granted, some of the excuses to date have been almost as entertaining as the summaries, themselves--but tell me if this bodes well for a speedy premiere:

Day 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Day 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they are walking almost succeeded... must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

Day 762 - Slept all day so I could annoy my captors with incessant, sleep depriving pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

Day 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...HMMM...not going according to plan...

Day 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time, however, it included a burning foaming chemical called "shampoo". What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

Day 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies". Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

Day 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.

Tell us, kitty--are these the kinds of things occupying your mind this week? (I know Todd's Bang the Drum is especially insidious and hard to get rid of. . .) or are you actually making headway on your difficult assignment?

GT

• RE: Kitty think?,dabo, 00:34 AM, 08-26-01
• RE: Kitty think?,ItzLisa, 00:39 AM, 08-26-01
• Day 1072,IceCat, 01:58 AM, 08-26-01
• RE: Kitty think?,dangerkitty, 02:12 AM, 08-26-01
  • RE: Kitty think?,Monkeyboy, 03:08 AM, 08-26-01
    • I Have a Bone to Pick...,IceCat, 08:06 AM, 08-26-01

I tawt I taw a puddytat!

"If the race of man should be left naked upon a desert island, we should become extinct in six weeks. A few individuals might linger, but in a year would become worse than monkeys." (Samuel Butler, "Erewhon")

ROFLMAO!!! I love the Cat Diary! I dunno, DK sure looks like she'd be the secret agent type!

****************************************

Over the past few months I have secured periodic access to the head warden's computer and internet connection. Have made great progress at learning the human's written language and am conducting experimental attempts at gaining their confidence by using humor.

The head warden's graphics and animation software have proven easy to master and are invaluable tools in support of my humor experiments. The skins seem to enjoy brightly colored moving icons... I may be able to exploit this later. Once enough of the graphics are in place I will engage the CATSCAN Hypno-Ray and I will have control of their minds. My calculations indicated that a mere 1237 more graphics should provide the minimum threshold beam energy.

I am facinated with the number of other animals that have also secured access to this internet site and have begun experiments of their own. One potential ally is the formidable Dangerkitty who has almost convinced the humans that she is human with a rather indepth fabrication of a 'real life'.

Another nonhuman participant of the canine variety must have triggered an alarm of some kind and was forced to flee the facility. He has recently returned... for a canine he has an admirable level of intestinal fortitude and appears to be survivin alright.

I am extremely cautious in the chat area... a security device apparently involving a mist of fleas is apparently active in this area. This kind of barbaric technology is too dangerous to leave in the hands of the skins but I am loath to enter the BAR facility fearing the evils that lie within.

I must terminate this entry as I must return to research on how to deposit cat feces into human shoes via the internet. This project is not progressing well and 12 litter boxes have been destroyed in testing thus far. The humans' shoes have remained frustratingly unsoiled.

IceCat
Cage #6

Tomorrow I may
>eat another houseplant.

Mmmmmph?? Whhhhttt rrrrrr yyyyyyuuuuu tttuukkkkknnnnn mmbbbuttt???

I
>once again induced myself to
>vomit on their favorite chair...must
>try this on their bed.

Actually, in their shoes works very well, too.

>Day 762 - Slept all day
>so I could annoy my
>captors with incessant, sleep depriving
>pleas for food at ungodly
>hours of the night.

If that doesn't wake them up, I find that patting them on the cheek with an open-clawed paw is effective.

>I could hear the noise
>and smell the foul odor
>of the glass tubes they
>call "beer".

I discovered that if I urinate in the bottles labeled "Corona", they don't even notice.

>The bird on the other
>hand has got to be
>an informant. He has mastered
>their frightful tongue

Hmmmmmmm......who could that be?

>Tell us, kitty--are these the kinds
>of things occupying your mind
>this week? (I know Todd's
>Bang the Drum is especially
>insidious and hard to get
>rid of. . .)

That... and other tunes....

or
>are you actually making headway
>on your difficult assignment?

Despite the constant refrain of "the bar has been raised"; "we have a very high standard to uphold"; and "every episode after this will surely suck in comparism", and such, I am in fact making headway. (hehe, DK said "head").

Next time you try reading my diary, I'll just lay down right across the page and you won't be able to see a thing!

LAST EDITED ON 08-26-01 AT 03:09 AM (EST)

Kitty,
Maybe you could knead your paws on their chests when they're in bed or shred their new couch? You might find a quick release can soon be had.

And I'd like to know why Ice Cat is doing the work of the the monkey butler animators. They have a union now.

LAST EDITED ON 08-26-01 AT 08:38 AM (EST)

One Mr. Dabo has apparently claimed that the monkey butlers did the animation on his episode...

Well... I have documentary proof that my cats, in fact, created the animation on that episode:

When our grandfadahs met to discuss dah orginal territories... dah cat families were granted dah animation racket and a slice of sig pic running. The monkey families were granted control of dah monkey butlahs union and all rafter concessions along dah waterfront.

Dis arrangement has soived both of our families very well for all deez many years and is a testimony to dah wisdom of our grandfadahs.

Now dis Dabo guy shows up and suddenly we got monkey butlahs doin animation. When Fat Tony brought dis to my attention, I said to Tony: 'Dom Monkeyboy would NOT let dis happen... it's gotta be some sorta wise-ass young guy in his organization... Dom Monkeyboy won't let it continue...'

Now you come here today and insult me by telling me dat dah cat families are movin' in on dah monkey butlah union! Are you talkin' tah me? ARE YOU TALKIN' TAH ME!

Now you listen tah me Dom Monkeyboy...

If you wanna war... yah got one...

If you wanna destroy dah peace dat has existed every single day since dah Banana Boat Massacre of 1923... go ahead...

If you wanna spit on dah graves of our grandfadahs... you will pay a price...

No peace for your family, Dom Monkeyboy... dah Cat families, even dah Dog families, and yes... even dah Belly Dancers Union...

All the families will stand as one against you, Dom Monkeyboy...

You will be alone...

Listen to dah voice of your grandfadah, Dom Monkeyboy...

He's tellin' you to show some respect for dah way tings are done...

You know you don't wanna go tah war!