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"***OFFICIAL S5 E12 SUMMARY*** "What do you get when you Combine De Truck with De Drunk? DEFUNCT!!""
Posted by George Tirebiter on 12-14-02 at 05:24 PM
LAST EDITED ON 12-14-02 AT 09:53 PM (EST)

Co-Authored by DALTON and GEORGE TIREBITER

SURVIVOR 5 • THAILAND EPISODE 12 Official Summary:
"What do you get when you Combine De Truck with De Drunk? DEFUNCT!!"

Recap: Last week on Survivor, Jake got booted off exactly as predicted by everyone with two brain cells to rub together and some other interesting crapola happened--which you will find by reading Superman's E-11 Official Summary.

‘Nuf with the past--onward to DAY 34 -- or Day 238 in Dog Years -- cause these people are a worst-looking bunch of mutts and curs than at your local pound. Proceed to the “not-at-all symbolic” montage of ants swarming over termite carcass, heron-eating fish, “When Octopi Attack,” dueling crabs, iguana battle, and. . .

Helen buries the hatchet by cleaving a coconut’s skull in a single blow.

Zoom in on the cliffside, to beloved Primitive artist, Grandma Moses’ latest masterpiece of stick figures. Obviously, none of them is a self-portrait, because there’s nary a butt flap amongst them. Does everyone realize how well Jan demonstrates why Florida was the location of origin for the term “CRACKER?” (and on so many levels!)

HELEN (confessional): We haven’t had to vote off one of our own since Day 12. We may have been the most pathetic assemblage of inept geezers ever, but by gawd, we’re still kickin’. Now, the game’s REALLY on.

TED to Brian and Clay, as they build the day’s sandcastles: We three are the core of this whole game. The rest (read: WOMEN) have been too busy cooking, hunting, doing our laundry, getting the drinking water, and cleaning our litter box to realize how expendible they’ve been all along.

Whatever character Ted had at the beginning of the show has faded like old wallpaper. Perhaps they would’ve been smart to cast his more engaging brother for this show. . .

BRIAN (confessional): The key to winning this whole thing is my super-secret triple axel with a double toe loop. Unless someone else here secretly coached Brian Boitano, I’m a shoo-in for the gold. If I have to go the extra mile, I’ll just confuse the opponent by injecting a baseball analogy, because I AM Mr. Freeze.

Has King Brian taken leave of his throne? Perhaps “Mr. Freeze” is his nom de porn. . .

CLAY wanders over to the treemail area to avoid any possible work and scares the hell out of himself by seeing his own reflection in a full length mirror. Gawd, there is another ugly, little gnome in the cave!! He is forced to accept what the rest of us have known all along:

CLAY: Will you lookit this. . . Can you believe this? I’m a NUTHIN’!

Apparently oblivious to the fact he’s standing by a ROCK, Clay announces the arrival of TREE MAIL:
CLAY: Y’all ain’t gonna b’lieve the wrinkles in mah face!

It’s a MIRROR, Clay, not spectacles. . . and just where do you think these people have been for the last month?

Behold the magic mirror
You really are a sight
But this is no illusion,
Your souls are black as night.

Compare yourself to these photos
Before Burn-it claimed your life--
You may return to regular size,
But if you win, it could cost you your wife.

Jan feels nostalgia for her “bosoms.” Helen reveals insight to the inner workings of an anorexic. Clay falls in love with himself all over again, and feels cheated that it’s only a head shot. Brian learns he has "yellow teeth" (obviously this is a Corporal Crime in California....hell, may be the ruin of his porn career!!) Ted, on the other hand, is pleased and happy that he has trimmed down from a heap to a pile!!

The men preen like high school jocks, comparing the caliber of their “ammunition.” The women--too self-critical to ponder their faults in front of an audience--declare the men pathetic, narcissistic girlies, because they are so starved for their own reflections, and refuse to step aside.

Later. . .

TED to Brian: You’re not flipping on me--we’re still tight, right?

BRIAN to Ted (trying to avoid making eye contact): Sure. As far as you know, it’s not “every man for himself” just yet.

TED (confessional): Hm. I think Brian was maybe hinting he’s been playing me for a sucker. I wonder if I should start thinking for myself yet. . . Nah--Brian’s a Good Guy. Our plans are SOLID.


“TREE” MAIL--twice in one day??

Ted and Brian retrieve more “tree” mail, declaring: We didn’t even read it first--cuz it’s like a big book and everything. . .

A picture is worth one thousand words
And should be simple enough, even for you.
The one to get this LAST Reward
Will most likely find the game is through.

It’s time to dine on good food and wine
And wait--there’s a whole lot more--
This Reward is the one for you
If you want to make your tribemates sore.


TED (confessional): It’s time I stopped being so trusting. My strategy has always been to adapt, so I’m gonna start believing only 80-85% of what the others tell me now.

Let’s see. . . Ted is only trusting 85% of the people he trusts, which is only 50% of the people left on the island....so his chances are, well, he’ll need a calculator, fer sure!

Ted tries to communicate his winning strategy to Helen by drawing football plays in the sand with a stick....."B...H...T" and then "J" or "C". Most significant and suspenseful conversation of the season; kick yourself if you missed it!! Helen keeps her reactions “subtle,” to avoid telegraphing the exchange to everyone else. Which means that even Jan gets the drift, though she's asleep.

TED: Clay is a lazy sumbitch, and by virtue of doing nothing (unlike myself), has earned the right to be voted out next.

REWARD CHALLENGE

The loozers walk to RC on the beach. Jiffy Probe--ignoring the sage advice of his mother--pulls up and offers the motley crew a lift.

Two blocks later, when their bodily exudates and common sense take hold, he ejects them from the vehicle and makes them walk the rest of the way to the challenge.

Jiffy Probe explains the Reward--gesturing chesticularly, to evoke fond mammaries of Erin, as he describes the BIG Thai meal and MASSAGE that accompany the SUV. He explains the Reward is running from tree to pole to bin to cargo net to truck to the bathroom and to heck collecting 8 English letters which, when put together in the proper order, will spell (for those who CAN spell) two words that describe an activity related to the Reward. Oh, and by the way, they are standing ON the first of the eight letters! So ready, set, GO!!

Everybody runs off on the hunt. Jiffy is so disgusted with these nimrods he YELLS OUT: "Hey stupids, I said you were standing on the 1st letter; come back here!!!"

It's like a horse race where half of the horses bolt and then have to be turned around and return to the starting gate. Pitiful!

At the finish line Brian gets his 8 letters in a row and announces to Jeff and all within ear shot he's got it: "R-A-O-D T-R-I-P"!!!!!

Jeff sighs and says: "Not quite, Bri! But nice try."

Ted looks over and quickly arranges his letters to spell out "ROAD TRIP" and WINS the RC!!

Brian is pissed.

Clay is PISSED.

TED goes apeshit, humping the back end of his new ride in a frenzy of triumph. He then catches himself, and apologizes: I thought you were my wife--I SWEAR I didn’t mean anything by it! . . .Why. . . . I’m not even ATTRACTED to you!

Asked to pick a companion for his Reward, TED declares: Brian screwed me on the last meal by asking Clay along--so I’m taking Helen, because she’s my last chance to win this whole game. Besides, as the lesser of four evils and a sleep-over with showers, food and wine, she just might present another "grinding opportunity" ifyaknowwhatimean!!!

Mercifully, Jan does not realize she’ll miss the Prom, as she is still struggling to retrieve Tile #3 when Ted and Helen bid all adieu.

SPA NIGHT

During the ride to the Spa Helen doesn't waste much time convincing Ted that Clay is a good-for-nothing, lazy loafer who orders people around so he must be voted off at the next TC!!

Not since Sean Rector has a man made such an obnoxious fool of himself at a dinner party. Let the face stuffing begin!! With table manners that would make Magilla the Monkey blush with shame, the duo consumes dinner for six.

TED: Neither Helen nor I drink alcohol.

Somehow to these two people who DON'T DRINK the wine becomes Mt. Everest --- it must be consumed simply because it's there!!

Helen chides him until he eats his former weight in Tom Yum Kung and Chicken Satay. In-between courses, she pesters the hostesses for recipes.

Before he can clean his plate, Ted is slurring his words like Foster Brooks, and proclaiming his love for Helen in the mistaken impression they’re in the middle of a Budweiser commercial. When Ted gets his turn in the shower, he mistakes a bar of soap for his toothbrush, but even a mouth full of foam cannot stop him from ruining the calm of Helen’s massage--he will continue bellowing and babbling for the duration of the evening.

TED: My body is drunk, but my mind is SHARP AS A TACK! Now. . . if my mind was MUSH, THEN I’d be drunk. . . . . . . . Wait--what did I just say? . . . .

(to Helen): Helen, I don't want to go to sleep. I want this night and this day to last forever. I'm really trying to suck in this last piece of it because once I lay down....BOOM--it's over!"

Helen whispers: Please Gawd, let Ted fall down and go boom--just not on ME!

Back at camp, CLAY explains: I hate to lose at anything, anytime, anywhere! I am NOT A LOSER!!" (Yeah, and Nixon wasn't "A Crook!")

BRIAN: Ted is a clueless ingrate. And damnit--if spelling was important, Jeff should have said so in the rules!! I was ROBBED and you can spell that with however many Bs you damned well want!


DAY 245

Snakes slither. Brian and Clay practice wedge shots from the sand trap. Ted and Helen return like Haitian Boat Refugees, carrying hidden bottles of wine and enough slightly-used food to make a meal for the whole tribe. Jan (who will receive counseling before being allowed to influence the first graders of Pinellas County again) greedily snatches the first bottle of wine. . . fairly climaxing as it nestles into what used to be her cleavage. In a rare occurrence of common sense, EPMB chooses NOT to try to wring some intrigue or embarrassing revelations by showing us the ugly reality of a group of slobbering drunks for a FOURTH time in one series. . .

Later in the day, Helen's evil twin "Neleh" suddenly comes to the fore. If she could FAKE weakness to Brian, she might stand a chance of a workable strategy, but the best she can do is beg not to be left alone with Ted, so she doesn’t have to remember which line of bull to play--and because “she wouldn't want Clay to get the wrong idea!!”

Helen's nose grew just a tad with that last statement.

By explaining Brian and Clay’s ties as “keeping friends close and enemies closer,” Jan reveals she actually DOES have more of a clue than Helen.

HELEN (confessional): Ted thinks I’m tight with him, Brian and Clay think I’m tight with them. I’m playing both sides of the fence, and frankly. . . I've got to watch where I'm stepping cause there ain't no greener grass here--the cowpaddies are ankle deep already!

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE (aka: The 10-Step Program)

Jigsaw steps--10 two-piece treads to assemble before they can reach the top.

Jan, the First Grade Teacher, needs remediation in the Playskool puzzle arena. Likewise, Helen makes us wonder how she passed the “spatial relations” portion of the Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery. Clay is obviously desperate to win, and so wastes too much time keeping tabs on the other players. Ted, the software designer, proves that VISUALS are not his strong suit. Brian sprouts skates with friggin’ wings!!

Brian WINS Immunity! He ambles, swaggers, and walks to the top of the IC tower, and is damned cocky about doing it too!! He reclaims the butt-ugly Immunity Necklace and takes his position to survey his subjects--King Brian, Master of His Domain, A Legend in His Own Mind. Way to skate, your Highness. . .

Clay looked disgusted; Ted looked dejected; Jan look amazed; only Helen had the sense to suck up with a "Good job Brian.”

BACK IN CAMP the pecking order dance starts anew.

DAY 252

Army ants swarm as Ted does his a.m. yoga.

TED (confessional): I won me a car, I’ve won Immunity--I wonder if they’ll see me as physically and mentally strong--a threat. . .

The gratuitous snake-in-the-tree shot. BRIAN calms Ted by assuring him he’s not next: You already know Clay hates you--if something changes, I’ll let you know.

JAN (confessional--failing to connect the dots): I guess I need to think about what’s best for ME. I don’t think there are any alliances yet, though, but I just may be the SWING vote or sumthin’.

Jan's mind is much like a bed--it would benefit from being made up more often!! But listening to Jan try to think logically makes my hair hurt! Thank gosh she doesn't teach 4th grade....she would be the slowest person in the class!!!

KING BRIAN SAYETH (confessional): I have been inside these peoples’ heads, and I will use it against them. I have three cards to play--Granny Jan, is totally disposable; **viewers wonder if the insulting dolt means as in “Pampers” or “Kleenex”** Helen, my loyal soldier, will follow orders ‘til she drops; and then there’s Uncle Clay, my bestest bud and big enemy. Plus, Clay hates Helen and Helen hates Clay, and I can use that when the time comes. If there’s anyone else here, I forget his name already.

CLAY does his Bantam rooster act: The name o’ this game is to use and trample everyone on your way to the top. Then you declare bankruptcy to protect your winnings.

Have we seen such a shining example of a maniacal RUNT since Waterloo?

TRIBAL COUNCIL

JIFFY PROBE: You’ve systematically screwed these four smirking members of the tribe formerly known as SUCK JIVE out of the game. Now that they make up the MAJORITY of the Jury--do you worry that you’re approaching a time for revenge? They will eventually have to vote for one of the final two and determine the winner!

CLAY: Oh hell yeah I stay awake nights worrying how these folks are going to vote...oh sorry, Jeff, you were serious? Right here, you’ve got three things that should make a winner--a TEXAN who likes SEX and GOLF! If my piss-poor lack of courtesy, dignity, and compassion makes me an “Ugly Example” for people in my home state, **Hi Erin, Howdy Jake!!!!** I'm blaming that on livin' tooo long in Louisiana--and there ain't no Louisiana people on the Jury, so there.

HELEN: Gawd, I hope they remember how good my banana-guava bamboo cheesecake was. . . I made a point of giving them bigger portions, out of sympathy. At least I tried to be friendly and kind to the women which is more than the BOYS did!!

BRIAN: We got rid of The Fat Lady, so it's not over until I say it is, and I'm sure at the end the Jury will make the most attractive, youthful, user-friendly choice to represent their winner.

JAN: I’ve transformed myself into an old dishrag, as a daily reminder of all the hard work I’ve done on my tribe’s behalf. You Suk Jai's weren't there but trust me I have done all the work from day one. Besides, I am the oldest, er, eldest; after all my sacrifice you wouldn't toss me out. Please don't make me cry!!

As JP reads the votes, Ted starts to sway to and fro, as though a Tide of Turning, Churning Reality is acting upon him--or perhaps he’s going to fall down and go boom on Clay **wish** . . . The crack of fact hits Ted. . . **holy moly, even I didn't vote for Clay!!!** With the exception of his vote for Jan, TED it is unanimously awarded the Walk of Shame!!!

No one can look him in the eye as Jiffy snuffs his torch and Ted excuses himself.

TED’S PARTING WORDS: For my baby, Morgan, I did this for YOU, to show that nothing beats a failure but a try. Or was that "tribe?" And for my wife: The SUV meant nuthin’, bay-be--and I never meant to imply that YOU were as big as one, when you were pregnant!! It was a simple misunderstanding, and I can’t wait to get home, where people RESPECT me.


ORIGINAL BASHERBABES OF SB.COM


Table of contents
Messages in this discussion
"RE: ***OFFICIAL S5 E12 SUMMARY*** "What do you get when you Combine De Truck with De Drunk? DEFUNCT!!""
Posted by volmel on 12-14-02 at 06:12 PM
OMG <click> that was the d*mn funniest thing I've ever read. These made me just about pee my pants:

The key to winning
>this whole thing is my
>super-secret triple axel with a
>double toe loop. Unless someone
>else here secretly coached Brian
>Boitano,

>Helen reveals insight to the
>inner workings of an anorexic.
>
>Ted tries to communicate his winning
>strategy to Helen by drawing
>football plays in the sand
>with a stick

>The loozers walk to RC on
>the beach. Jiffy Probe--ignoring the
>sage advice of his mother--pulls
>up and offers the motley
>crew a lift. >

He
> explains the Reward is
>running from tree to pole
>to bin to cargo net
>to truck to the bathroom

>
>TED goes apeshit, humping the back
>end of his new ride
>in a frenzy of triumph.
>He then catches himself, and
>apologizes: I thought you were
>my wife--I SWEAR I didn’t
>mean anything by it! .
>. .Why. . . .
>I’m not even ATTRACTED to
>you!
>
>BRIAN: Ted is a clueless ingrate.
>And damnit--if spelling was important,
>Jeff should have said so
>in the rules!! I
>was ROBBED and you
>can spell that with however
>many Bs you damned well
>want!
>
>Later in the day, Helen's evil
>twin "Neleh" suddenly comes to
>the fore.

>Have we seen such a shining
>example of a maniacal RUNT
>since Waterloo?
>
>CLAY: Oh hell yeah I stay
>awake nights worrying how these
>folks are going to vote...oh
>sorry, Jeff, you were
>serious?
>
>JAN: I’ve transformed myself into an
>old dishrag, as a daily
>reminder of all the hard
>work I’ve done on my
>tribe’s behalf.

Thanks ladies for a WONDERFUL summary and for making my day brighter by giving me huge laughs.

"Way to make my week, GT and Dalton!"
Posted by Outfrontgirl on 12-14-02 at 07:25 PM
Ladies, Bravo!!!
The Florida/Texas coalition clearly took their dogs out to do their business and got inspired by the similarity of this show to the pooches' output... (no offense to the dear dogs intended)! What a gem of a summary!

So many great lines, and luckily volmel already covered a bunch of them... (and others will have by the time I post this)

Some more I loved with a little doubling up...
>>Helen buries the hatchet by cleaving a coconut’s skull in a single blow.

Now we know why her husband ate bugs for her.

>>Zoom in on the cliffside, to beloved Primitive artist, Grandma Moses’ latest masterpiece of stick figures. Obviously, none of them is a self-portrait, because there’s nary a butt flap amongst them. Does everyone realize how well Jan demonstrates why Florida was the location of origin for the term “CRACKER?” (and on so many levels!)

ROTFLMFAO at the image of a stick figure with butt flaps...

Poor GT, last season you had Gina to represent your state... what a step down!

>>TED to Brian and Clay, as they build the day’s sandcastles: We three are the core of this whole game. The rest (read: WOMEN) have been too busy cooking, hunting, doing our laundry, getting the drinking water, and cleaning our litter box to realize how expendible they’ve been all along.

This is so great and so true. Sadly, you didn't exaggerate this; they really have acted this way. Love the litter box analogy!

>>CLAY wanders over to the treemail area to avoid any possible work

ROFL

>>and scares the hell out of himself by seeing his own reflection in a full length mirror. Gawd, there is another ugly, little gnome in the cave!! He is forced to accept what the rest of us have known all along:

CLAY: Will you lookit this. . . Can you believe this? I’m a NUTHIN’!

Self-revalationn can be a real bear, of course his insight faded real quick-like.

>>Behold the magic mirror
You really are a sight
But this is no illusion,
Your souls are black as night.
Compare yourself to these photos
Before Burn-it claimed your life--
You may return to regular size,
But if you win, it could cost you your wife.

Best use of current events in a treemail! Love the Satan ref... CBS should be so honest! Wonder if there's a sell your soul to the devil clause in the final contract they sign?

Both treemails were masterful...

Jiffy's >>fond mammaries... oh my heck! Too funny

On Jiffy taking them for a spin, great lines.
You know, I was thinking the same thing when he let those skanky folks jump in that SUV with him! Usually he can avoid them by staying down-wind a little... And apparently Ted smells the best of the lot since he got shotgun... Bet CBS had the SUV totally detailed after the RC was over...

>>TED goes apeshit, humping the back end of his new ride in a frenzy of triumph

I smell an homage to desert rhino/JV's sig pic, eh, GT?

>>Jan (who will receive counseling before being allowed to influence the first graders of Pinellas County again) greedily snatches the first bottle of wine. . . fairly climaxing as it nestles into what used to be her cleavage.

That was unbelievable. Apparently she truly has forgotten the cameramen aren't figments of her imagination. It totally amazes me she has a teaching job to return to...

>>In a rare occurrence of common sense, EPMB chooses NOT to try to wring some intrigue or embarrassing revelations by showing us the ugly reality of a group of slobbering drunks for a FOURTH time in one series.

LOL, it would have been anticlimactic after Ted's display to see Brian puke again. Hey, I just read an interview with Jan where she claims she wasn't drunk; she just "slipped" on a rock when she fell down in her "lush" scene. Uh-huh Jan, the editing made you stick that wine between the ol tata's. Only thing more embarrassing would have been if she turned the bottle upside down and worked it a bit ... but she might have spilled a precious drop.

>>CLAY does his Bantam rooster act: The name o’ this game is to use and trample everyone on your way to the top. Then you declare bankruptcy to protect your winnings.

Ha ha Clay, not for another 7 years suckah!

>>Have we seen such a shining example of a maniacal RUNT since Waterloo?

Nailed him! Where's the isle of Elba when you really need it?

Dalton, great slam on Clay's "representin" Texas for the jury! Lest you and GT feel too bad about the Texas/Florida loozers, well, Brian is from MY home state; in fact he's from my old home town. Ouch!

>>The crack of fact hits Ted. . . **holy moly, even I didn't vote for Clay!!!**

Crack of fact--GREAT line.

Thanks for pointing out this ultimate irony. Ted didn't even make a statement on his last vote. He just went Baah to the master.

I only have one gripe, you guys. This was great, but I thought it would be LONG!!! It all went so fast! I was going, oh no, it's almost over, TC already, before I knew it. Unlike with the actual tedious show...

BasherBabes Rule!

(and not in a Ted kind of celebration, that's for sure!)

"RE: ***OFFICIAL S5 E12 SUMMARY*** "What do you get when you Combine De Truck with De Drunk? DEFUNCT!!""
Posted by Jims02 on 12-14-02 at 11:05 PM
(angry newbie post)

I DRAGGED MY BUTT OUT OF THE DEPTHS OF THE FANATICS FORUM (WITHOUT A LINK, MIND YOU) AND...

That was great!

One of the best S5 summaries I've read!

Quotes of the week
1. "You will NOT see my ta-ta's" -Shii Ann
2. "Do they think I'm too controlling?" -Helen (um, yeah)
3. "My two year old (had a tantrum) one time and I whupped its @$$ and put it back to bed." -Clay
4. "I'm putting in an order for a bigger butt in my next life." -Jan (randomly)

"RE: ***OFFICIAL S5 E12 SUMMARY*** "What do you get when you Combine De Truck with De Drunk? DEFUNCT!!""
Posted by I_AM_HE on 12-15-02 at 00:26 AM
ROFL! Brilliant GT and Dalton!!!

my favorites (or some of them at any rate)

>>gesturing chesticularly, to evoke fond mammaries of Erin

>>TED goes apeshit, humping the back end of his new ride in a
>>frenzy of triumph. He then catches himself, and apologizes: I
>>thought you were my wife--I SWEAR I didn’t mean anything by it!
>>. . .Why. . . . I’m not even ATTRACTED to you!

>>Somehow to these two people who DON'T DRINK the wine becomes Mt.
>>Everest --- it must be consumed simply because it's there!!

>>BRIAN: Ted is a clueless ingrate. And damnit--if spelling was
>>important, Jeff should have said so in the rules!! I was ROBBED
>>and you can spell that with however many Bs you damned well want!

including this because it reminds me of my students, OMH!

>>Helen's evil twin "Neleh" suddenly comes to the fore

>>Have we seen such a shining example of a maniacal RUNT since Waterloo?

"ROFL!"
Posted by dabo on 12-15-02 at 01:27 AM
LAST EDITED ON 12-15-02 AT 01:28 AM (EST)

Excellent summary, Dalton and GT! I laffed, then I laffed some more, then I laffed a whole bunch!

Some of the bestest parts have already been kudoed, but you ladies Rock!
ARRRRRRR!!!!

"RE: ***OFFICIAL S5 E12 SUMMARY*** "What do you get when you Combine De Truck with De Drunk? DEFUNCT!!""
Posted by desert_rhino on 12-15-02 at 01:35 PM
As usual, the basher babes without equal made me wet myself. Again. In public. {sigh}

I was thinking about applying for S7, but contemplating the BB treatment I'd receive, maybe not. {grin}

-- JV

(long time no see, ladies...)

"RE: ***OFFICIAL S5 E12 SUMMARY*** "What do you get when you Combine De Truck with De Drunk? DEFUNCT!!""
Posted by ivoryElephant on 12-15-02 at 06:30 PM
Great summary. I loved how you brought in a historical reference ie "waterloo".

Clay looking in the mirror was funny !


"I got a kiss from Clay Jordan, oh my god am I queen for a day" - Helen Glover

"RE: ***OFFICIAL S5 E12 SUMMARY*** "What do you get when you Combine De Truck with De Drunk? DEFUNCT!!""
Posted by NightScribe on 12-16-02 at 00:19 AM
What a great summary, a truly inspired collaboration, Ladies. I loved all of it, but especially the figure skating bit and the tree mail. I've missed both of you, and so it's nice to see you around!



3rd rate basher babe of SB.com

"Excellent!"
Posted by dangerkitty on 12-16-02 at 01:37 AM
Oh yeah, Babes - this is hilarious!

Let's see, what can I narrow it down to just to name a few faves...already lots of great quotes cited...

Well, Brian and the whole skating monologue - I love that you pegged the non sequitor baseball analogy in the middle of it! And Mr. Freeze - LMAO!!! Yes, that was a priceless moment.

Clay and the mirror, oh thank you thank you for skewering that, so well-deserved!

Jan and the booze in the cleavage, another well-aimed dart by the Babes.

Clay and the Texan speech at TC, yep, that was great, too...

OH, Ted humping the SUV and his apology, oh yeah babes!

And of course, the whole "standing on your first letter" debacle - "loozers" indeed!

This summary, besides being loaded with originality and style, fulfills what I most want from an SB summary - I want the stuff that needs bashed, bashed soundly and thoroughly and in a way that makes me LMAO. And I want to be surprised by some things that I didn't even notice being bashed, and LMAO some more.

Mission accomplished! Bring in the cabana boys to serve these fine BasherBabes some beverages and rub their, um, feet!

"RE: ***OFFICIAL S5 E12 SUMMARY*** "What do you get when you Combine De Truck with De Drunk? DEFUNCT!!""
Posted by Red Lady on 12-16-02 at 05:28 AM
"ORIGINAL BASHERBABES OF SB.COM"
And may I add that you both wear the title so well!
Dalton and GT...it is pretty clear why you two have earned such summary status!

Regards,

"RE: ***OFFICIAL S5 E12 SUMMARY*** "What do you get when you Combine De Truck with De Drunk? DEFUNCT!!""
Posted by desert_rhino on 12-16-02 at 07:06 AM
As an aside... (a very sweet aside, I might add. GT and Dalton kick booty.)


"Why. . . . I’m not even ATTRACTED to you!"

"RE: ***OFFICIAL S5 E12 SUMMARY*** "What do you get when you Combine De Truck with De Drunk? DEFUNCT!!""
Posted by Ronnet on 12-16-02 at 03:24 PM
WooHoo!!

The BasherBabes rock!


(c) 2002 George Tirebiter Creations, Inc. All rights reserved

"RE: ***OFFICIAL S5 E12 SUMMARY*** "What do you get when you Combine De Truck with De Drunk? DEFUNCT!!""
Posted by mtopaz on 12-16-02 at 06:21 PM
I'm a long time lurker on the site and always enjoy the official episode summaries - this one was extremely clever and funny. My favorite part was the ice skating analogy gone wrong.
"RE: ***OFFICIAL S5 E12 SUMMARY*** "What do you get when you Combine De Truck with De Drunk? DEFUNCT!!""
Posted by MakeItStop on 12-17-02 at 04:36 PM
Yeah for the ORIGINALS! Gotta love a summary by the original basher babes. Loved the dog days, the "tree"mail, the whole mirror scene but especially Helen and her inner anorexic, Ted's odds (of course a mathematician would love this part!), fond mammaries of Erin, the horse race analogy (pitiful indeed!), Ted humping his new ride, Helen pestering the hostesses for recipes (LMAO!), Ted's bellowing (serenity NOT!), Helen whispering to please let Ted fall down and go boom (but not on HER), Clay declaring he isn't a loser (keep telling yourself that Clay), Helen's nose growing, Brian -- a Legend in His Own Mind, Clay -- the maniacal RUNT, and SO MUCH MORE!


“She’s a beauty queen gone bad!” -- Marcellus about Amy.

"Wit-cracker Delight"
Posted by Lolly on 12-18-02 at 02:21 AM
LAST EDITED ON 12-18-02 AT 02:43 AM (EST)

Ladies, you are gifted humorists. There is much to savor here -- Brian's confessionals, the mirror scene, the IC-challenged, Clay at TC -- but I am particularly fond of the delightful witticisms. Chesticularly. From heap to pile. The maniacal RUNT. Pecking order dance. Brian was ROBBED. And so many more.

I'm still chuckling over "nom de porn." Yup, nailed that one.

Great job.

Thanks.


"RE: Wit-cracker Delight"
Posted by jsanb on 12-18-02 at 11:42 AM
Loved the review. Hilarious. The tribal council scene was classic!


Peanut Butter Jeff
"If you thought S3 was bad just wait until S5."

"RE: ***OFFICIAL S5 E12 SUMMARY*** "What do you get when you Combine De Truck with De Drunk? DEFUNCT!!""
Posted by PepeLePew13 on 12-18-02 at 07:08 AM
Woo hoo! This is bashing at its finest by the original masters and love all of the subtle zingers -- it was better the second time I read it when I had a chance to settle down with my coffee and a bagel.

Now, ladies, let's not be such strangers... we hardly ever see you two around anymore.


"RE: ***OFFICIAL S5 E12 SUMMARY*** "What do you get when you Combine De Truck with De Drunk? DEFUNCT!!""
Posted by Frau Hexe on 12-19-02 at 00:51 AM
Wow, two of SB's goddesses in one summary! What more could we ask for? Thank you for some downright brilliant writing, ladies. You have outdone yourselves. Thank you for once again bringing healthy guffaws to the weary.



"If the world were a logical place, men would ride side saddle." -Rita Mae Brown

"Marvelous work"
Posted by AyaK on 12-19-02 at 04:08 PM
LAST EDITED ON 12-19-02 AT 04:10 PM (EST)

Wow! Nice to see both of you around ... and this was a great read, finals pressure or not. You're right that Jan would be in the slow group in a 4th grade class ... I loved Ted's shock at realizing that no one, including himself, voted for Clay ... and Clay as Napoleon II is a perfect image (actually, I think Clay would make a better Napoleon XIV, don't you?). Oh, and I loved Helen not wanting to be left alone with Ted because she can't remember which line of bull to use and Ted not being attracted to the SUV ("Honest!"). Oh, and Brian is such a natural target ... or should it be BBBryeennn, since spelling doesn't matter?

"Better than the show"
Posted by Masquerade_Mole on 12-19-02 at 04:42 PM
I'm glad you also noticed that no one else could see you until the mirror was brought in.
It was a magical mirror. Not only would you see yourself differently in it but others would too.

Your summary was better than the show.

"RE: ***OFFICIAL S5 E12 SUMMARY*** "What do you get when you Combine De Truck with De Drunk? DEFUNCT!!""
Posted by L82LIFE on 12-19-02 at 05:45 PM
WOW! This was hilarious. Clay's "tree mail", Ted's math skills, the SUV apology, Jan's mind, the Waterloo reference, banana-guava bamboo cheesecake! LMAO at the whole summary.

We are so not worthy. GT and Dalton, you two ROCK!


L82life

"RE: ***OFFICIAL S5 E12 SUMMARY*** "What do you get when you Combine De Truck with De Drunk? DEFUNCT!!""
Posted by Bebo on 12-23-02 at 12:10 PM
Since there are too many wonderful references to pull out in my response, I'll just bow in homage at the feet of the original Basher Babes. We are SO not worthy!

"Thanks. . ."
Posted by George Tirebiter on 12-28-02 at 07:43 PM
. . . for the kind words. I have to admit it made me ill to think of trying to follow the wit and panache of gifted sorts like DK and OFG--and I was only in this because DALTON volunteered us! (Anyone else, I could've just killed--but how do you say NO to a legend?!) Don't know that either of us considers ourselves to be writers--from Day One of SB, we simply felt obliged to bˇtch about what is really the worst excuse for "humanity" that teevee can offer. Given Dalton's refusal to play on the boards this season, I was more than a little apprehensive. . . but it seems to have worked out okay, as our straight-shootin' Texan seems to have been hoarding her best lines for this effort! I'm sure it's much less complicated to churn out a narrative solo, but you all have no idea how much FUN it was to work with a master!!

The old joke is that Dalton and GT were often accused of being one and the same--but I am here to attest that this is a sisterhood much bigger and better than that. We are more like two halves of the same cantankerous, opinionated woman--and I have to say that Dalton is definitely the more mature and FUNNY half. Each season, The Dark Side of SB has picked up more awesome BasherBabes (and Boys!), but I've gotta say--Dalton, you ARE the original. If I ever grow up, I wanna be just like you! Thanks for making S5 suck just a little bit less. . .

GT
*getting the hell out of Dodge before she gets any more sappy. . .*

That man has missed something who has never left a brothel at sunrise feeling like throwing himself into the river out of pure disgust. -Gustave Flaubert

P.S. Guess who graduated with high honors in the midst of this onerous chore? WooHOO!

"RE: Thanks. . ."
Posted by MakeItStop on 01-09-03 at 04:20 PM
P.S. Guess who graduated with high honors in the midst of this onerous chore? WooHOO!

Hmmm ... I guess YOU did! OK, that's not a guess, I KNOW it was you. Congratulations! WooHoo indeed!


“She’s a beauty queen gone bad!” -- Marcellus about Amy.

"RE: The Viking pops in for a second or two ."
Posted by Leif Eriksen on 02-08-03 at 04:37 PM
Hey, Tirekisser, I read the summary. I did not make hide nor hair out of it mainly because I never watched any of the shows. Boycotted the whole damn works of them. The writing was classic Tirekisser though.

Saturday morning at the computer, thought I would check and see if any of the "originals" were around and of course I found you still slumming. Wanted to see if the idiot clown was around so I could have a little fun with him but I could not find him.


"lovable asshole-type"
Leif Eriksen