For all of you with children; how are they dealing with this tradegy? Some young ones are expressing themselves with pictures, and the one below came from a website that hosts more of the same. They are incredibly moving images.

http://www.kiddonet.com/AOL/KidsOnly/aolindex.pl?activity=expressFeelings

• RE: What are the children thinking?,ItzLisa, 09:40 AM, 09-15-01
  • I Have Not Phoned My Kids Yet...,IceCat, 10:14 AM, 09-15-01
    • RE: I Have Not Phoned My Kids Yet...,aymelek, 10:35 AM, 09-15-01
  • RE: What are the children thinking?,Outfrontgirl, 03:24 PM, 09-15-01
    • RE: What are the children thinking?,ItzLisa, 08:20 PM, 09-15-01
    • RE: What are the children thinking?,PepeLePew13, 00:01 AM, 09-17-01
  • RE: What are the children thinking?,janisella, 08:57 PM, 09-16-01
    • RE: What are the children thinking?,ItzLisa, 09:49 PM, 09-16-01
• RE: What are the children thinking?,boomerang, 10:30 AM, 09-15-01

Boomer, thanks for posting this...

As you know, I don't have kids of my own. But John has a nine year old daughter from his ex-wife. Last night, he got to see her for the first time since the attack (as he's been working), and found her very affected by all this, even up in Toronto. I'm copying and pasting the text of an email I sent Monkeyboy about my conversation with her on the phone last night...

Last night on the phone was tough, though - it was John's first time he was able to get through to me, and I talked to his little girl,who's nine. She's terrified! I never heard her sound so scared and so bummed out - her main fears (which are pretty justified for a nine year old) are:

1. That there are so many people involved in this, how will they catch them all?
2. Thousands of kids left without parents
3. What if it happens again?
4. She has some friends at school who are Muslim and she's scared that people "will be mean to them" because they're Muslim (pretty sharp! Nine years old and aware enough about potential bias attacks!)

I put my brightest, bravest voice and gave her my "it's all going to be okay, and here's why" talk - that the President and all the important people in the world, world leaders etc. are working really hard to make sure we are safe and stay safe and that they'll catch the guys who did this, no matter HOW many of them there are. There are tons of soldiers guarding us to make sure no one else tries to hurt us again. That she, John and her Mom (John's ex) are all very safe up there in Canada, but as for all the kids who lost their parents, just say lots of prayers for them, and know that they have lots of aunts, uncles and grandparents who will make sure they stay safe too and that no bad things will happen to them. And as for her Muslim friends, I told her that I was proud of her for knowing that hurting someone because of their ethnic background was totally wrong, and that the people in charge and the police have been smart enough to think about that. I told her that the police said that people who try to hurt anyone who's Muslim or Arabic are being arrested and that it won't be tolerated. That the only people who are eventually going to get into BIG trouble are not the innocent ones, but the guys who did this. She then handed the phone back to John and I just lost it once he was on the line again! I just broke down crying at how defeated she sounded. I'm okay now, but that was a hard phone call last night!

Also, what I forgot to add in my email, I told her that I truly truly believed there are more good people in the world than crazy mean ones like the guys that did this. She then asked how it happened, and I said "Well... a couple of bad people slipped through the cracks in the system, but NOW, all the people in charge are making sure there are NO MORE cracks for them to get through." I told her it was a terrible thing, but that it probably would never happen again because now we're smarter, and we're going to protect everyone 100 times better than before.

So...parents out there...how did I do? Were any of those the right things to say to her? I've NEVER had a harder time sounding postive and brave once I got an earful of the tone of her voice...that was a hard conversation!

Much love to all..

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They are 12 and 14 and are exceptionally mature for their ages.

My calling them during the events would have only added to the emotional momentum. I plan to call them this weekend and have a long talk about the whole thing including the larger issues.

I also think that I would not have been able to hide the darkness in my voice as I spoke to my children. They are very emotionally astute and read the slightest change in my voice or facial expression when most people find me to be rather inscrutable. Lisa, I envy your ability to put on a brave face for John's daughter.

The world situation is so profoundly grave right now that I am afraid that I cannot minimize it for my kids. They will have to become a little bit more adult... a little bit sooner... than they (or I) had ever realized.

*hugs Itz and IceCat*
I think this may be one time in my life I'm thankful I don't have kids. Lisa, you did a great job with John's daughter. & Ice, you know your children well. I admire that.

Itz, you would be a wonderful counselor and those were great things to say--better than I could have done. A friend of mine has asked for my advice on what to tell her kids--7 and 5, one them my godson. I am reading SB and taking in all these good ideas before I call her back.

I look back on my childhood and wish I had not been so sheltered by my parents. All those years we had to "duck and cover" in school drills and I didn't really know why, except that in California we have earthquakes.

I was 10 when the Cuban Missile Crisis occurred, and I was absolutely able to pick up all the tension, but I never knew how close we were to war--only that my parents were really tense and laying in supplies. (On the lighter side, my parents bought so many dried beans we were eating them for the next five years.)

In contrast, the next year a teacher walked into my classroom and told us the President had been shot. He treated us like young adults. I processed it rationally and watched the grieving on TV, which helped.

As far as emotional residue goes, the event where I did not know what was going on definitely left the most disturbance.

I also think, though, that these graphic, graphic images on TV are likely to get stuck in children's heads and the less replay they see perhaps the better. I like the idea of getting the kids to do some artwork, write poems, anything to express themselves and work through it.

The only way in which I would slightly differ what you said is that I'm not sure we should give kids unqualified assurance that more bad things won't happen because we have closed up the cracks.

Above all, kids need to know adults are being straight with them if they are to trust their future assurances. If we tell them nothing bad can happen and something does, then we lose that trust and confidence. So, since we are all living under uncertainty, I am thinking the most we can honestly say is that we're all working together and doing our best and to give concrete examples of what we're doing to provide security...

I suppose it also depends on the age of the children and how much information they get from outside contacts. I do believe that we must not lose their trust, because in my personal experience I did come to realize my mom would censor things to protect me from reality--then she became an unreliable source in my mind. Whereas I knew my dad would tell it like it was...

Ice, I wish you success in your difficult conversation.
Inscrutable? You? Why you're just a pussycat...aren't you?

OFG, thanks! Yeah, I know what you mean about not making promises to her that it will never happen again, and that was present in my mind and I was trying very carefully not to word it that way, but still make her reassured that everyone was doing everything in their power to make sure it wouldn't happen, and that it probably won't (which I pray to God for all of our sakes is true!). Interesting about how the way you handled the two different JFK situations - yup, at that age, you definitely need to level with them!

And as for the BEANS, young lady, hee hee hee!!! Let's just say I ain't sittin' downwind from YOU at the next SBlows family picnic, LOL!!! ("Ohhhh...OFG brought her famous baked beans....AGAIN....")

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>As far as emotional residue goes, the event where I did
>not know what was going on definitely left the most
>disturbance.

You're quite right, OFG... my wife was rather traumatized at her office on Tuesday during the attacks in New York because as one of two deaf workers in the whole office, she was often left out on the developing news -- several times she would ask a co-worker what was going on because she couldn't overhear the conversation or follow what was going on TV, and often the co-workers would say "Nothing." She was quite upset when she found out there was a death threat on her offices, not really being totally clear on what was happening in the world, and then getting even more traumatized when she got home and found out the true scope of the news from New York and Washington.

The next day, she ripped her manager a new hole saying they failed to provide a measure of safety at work by not keeping her up to date on the news (many workers at other companies were allowed to go home early but her area weren't allowed to do so) and the firewalls at work and fear of getting in trouble searching online didn't allow her to find out information online like so many of us at other places did. Nor did the TV have closed captions to allow her to be able to follow the news.

Getting to my point... she was traumatized because she wasn't 'allowed' to learn fully what was going on, just like you experienced the most emotional disturbance during the event you didn't know what was going on.

>I like the idea of getting the kids to do some artwork,
>write poems, anything to express themselves and work
>through it.

Kids will surprise you sometimes. We talked to ours, fully expecting the older one to bawl her head off (she's a very sensitive sort), but she just sat there with us while watching the plane hit the second tower -- after we gave her a primer on what to expect to see, asked a couple of questions, had us show her a map of New York in relation to Toronto... then shrugged her shoulders and ran off to do her normal play stuff.

That was the last we heard of it from her (she's almost 8 years old)... then today I saw that she and the little one had made a little fort for the cat to play with and she named it "Jewel's Twin Tower Fort." I asked if she wanted to talk about it, and she said she was fine, just wanted something for the cat to run through.

>The only way in which I would slightly differ what you
>said is that I'm not sure we should give kids
>unqualified assurance that more bad things won't happen
>because we have closed up the cracks.
>
>Above all, kids need to know adults are being straight with
>them if they are to trust their future assurances.
>If we tell them nothing bad can happen and something
>does, then we lose that trust and confidence.

Quite right. What we did with our children is to say that these 'bad people are less likely to attempt to do bad things here in Canada as they are in an important American city like New York' and to say 'we hope that the American government will make improvements to ensure that this kind of event will not happen again, but there is no guarantee.' Kids can be pretty jaded in today's world.

"Permit me to introduce myself. I am Pepe Le Pew, your lover."

Lisa, as both a mother and a former child development counselor, I have to say you did an EXCELLENT job.

My sons are 9 and 7 and since we live in Cleveland, which is just as great a melting pot as New York, they can't fathom ethnic prejudice at all. They've always been surrounded by a rainbow of people and just assume everyone else is too. It's really perceptive of John's daughter to think of the racial consequences. She must be one smart little girl.

We've tried to keep our routine as normal as possible (which is a little difficult since their school went into "lock-down mode", keeping the kids inside for recess and even cancelled on Wednesday) so the kids can feel some security in such unsecure times. I'm letting them take the lead, answering their questions as simply as possible and not overwhelming them with too much information. I'm dreading going to Rosh Hashana services on Tuesday because the synagogue is instituting a lot of security measures and I'm sure the kids will be confused as to why suddenly they're being checked out before entering a place they've been going all their lives.

I was wondering how much other people have let their children see. We haven't had the television on at all while the kids are awake. They have seen the newspaper, though. My 9 year old is donating his allowance to the Red Cross. My 7 year old really doesn't get it, but as soon as the light goes on, I'm expecting thousands of questions.

Enough of my rambling. Must get to bed.

J.

LAST EDITED ON 09-16-01 AT 09:52 PM (EST)

Janisella, yes, John's daughter is an unbelievably smart little cookie, that's for sure! (Not that I'm partial or anything...)

I do totally understand your fear about Rosh Hashana services - I'm the "Token Catholic" in an orthodox Jewish neighborhood. I live across the street from a synogogue and two Jewish community centers. Since Tuesday, I've gotten accostomed to waving hello to the cops on guard across the street when I leave my apartment!

I have a great story about my seven-year old nephew, Joe - he's my brother's (the one who I was worried about on Tues. because he works down by the WTC) son. My brother sat Joe down on Tuesday night to explain to him what had happened and to answer any questions and fears he may have. Joe asked the same thing as many kids - "How did this happen?" My brother said, "Well, there are good people in the world and bad people too. And it was some of the bad people who did this, but the President and the FBI are all trying their best to catch them." So, Joe says, "If I could catch that guy, I'd punch him in the nose! Then I'd kick him in the leg! And THEN, I'd throw him in jail for TEN YEARS!!!" My brother just chuckled and shook his head - "Ten years, Joe? That's it?" Joe thought about it really carefully for a minute, and then said, "Okay...maybe fifteen years then!" LOL!!! I mean, to a seven year old, ten years is a life sentence and fifteen is about two consecutive life terms!

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LAST EDITED ON 09-15-01 AT 10:31 AM (EST)

There's a discussion group on ABC right now with a studio full of children, for anyone who's interested.