LAST EDITED ON 11-12-03 AT 02:17 PM (EST)

EPISODE FIVE: THE SPRINGFEST SHOW

“Good morning and Welcome to a special edition of the JERRY SPRINGER SHOW, Live from Italy! {cue applause} Today on our show we have “Jealous women” starring David Smith, or as most of us know him as

Today we will be discussing why the women are jealous of each other, and what Joe could have done better to stop all of the bwawawwawing that went on during the filming of the show. To give us the background of the show, here is Paul, the most famous butler in America.
Jerry: “So, Paul, tell us about the show.”
Paul: “Well, the show is all about how we transformed a cowboy who makes $11,000 a year into someone who has class. The girls think he has $80 Million dollars.
Jerry: Very interesting. What is our problem today?
Paul: (Sipping Cognac) Well, Jerry, you see the girls all had individual dates with David and became jealous of each other….fights broke out all over the place. I was hoping that you would be able to get some of the anger they have toward one another out of their system. I’m tired of getting yelled at all of the time. All those girls do is drink, drink and drink some more. Those Eurotrash girls are nothing like my sweet Zora from last season.
Jerry: I see, well, folks, let’s get this show on the road. Without further ado, please welcome our first Eurotrash girl: Petra.
{Cue Applause} Petra enters the stage….

Jerry: Welcome to our show! Tell us what happened on your date…
Petra: I had a wonderful date…we went to Florence, Italy.

My mission of the day was to make sure that David had FUN! He was broken hearted about Linda being all weak and asking him to eliminate her. We went to the Ponte Vechhico Bridge where we made a wish on a lock, and if the lock locked, our wishes will come true. David said it was like wishing upon a star. The wishing upon a star line is what we girls call a Davidism.
Jerry and Paul: A what??
Petra: You know, the phrases that David says that would sound stupid and ignorant on any one else, but because he’s so gosh darn cute, they sound kinda cool when he says them.
Jerry and Paul: “ohhh…we get it now.” continue.
Petra: Well, we walked around this plaza and saw a statue of David by Michelangelo. He actually thought it was the real one. I tried to laugh it off by telling him that was only a copy, and the original was a museum somewhere. Can you imagine?
Jerry: Well, Petra, I can see how an American might make that mistake…they really have cut back on art classes in the schools you know. But, now we have a surprise for you. David, will you please come out and tell us your side of the date?
{cue applause} David enters the stage
Jerry: Welcome David!
David: Thanks for having me on Jerry! You know, I really thought that statue looked like real deal. Well, I took Petra shopping and she bought this necklace with a purple stone.
Jerry: Petra is this true?
Petra: Yes, it was wonderful…the only thing is that the other girls didn’t like it very much.
Jerry: really? Let’s bring out Olinda and see what she has to say. {cue applause} Olinda enters. Welcome Olinda!
Olinda: I don’t need your stupid show. I just wanted to say that if it was me, I would have bought diamonds.
David to Petra: The purple stone is beautiful, and I know you would’ve been happy with a sno-cone.
Petra: I don’t know what you mean David, I felt like a Princess, and everything I like is super expensive. Remember that next time.
Jerry: Ok, Ok, I’m sensing some tension here….Petra continue, what was dinner like?
Petra: {standing up and pointing at David, crying} He told me, th-th-that he drank wine out of a box:
something called Franzia. Can you believe the tragedy of it all?
I told him that from now on he should only drink Toscano White Wine.
Jerry: You only drink Franzia, David?
David: Yes, gosh darn it I do. There’s nothing wrong it! But I have to tell you, Petra really cheered me up. She made it her mission of the day, and boy did she succeed.
Jerry: Petra and David I think that your date went really well. Petra, you just need to work on not caring what the other girls think of your necklace. And David, please don’t ever tell a girl that you only have drank Franzia before until at least your second or third date. {David and Petra leave}
Jerry: Now everyone, please give a warm welcome to Cat!! She went on the next individual date with David. {cue Appalause}
Cat’s Date
Jerry: Cat, Welcome to the show! Tell us about your date with David.
Cat: Well, we got this wonderful massage in a cave that I called the Pit of Despair.
Jerry: The Pit of Despair? After that scene in the Princess Bride
Cat: Yes, exactly. Because it was dark, and just the two of us...anyway we went to have our massage and..{Meanwhile...yells erupt from backstage}
Jerry: Wait just a minute, while I go and see what’s going on. My bouncers, um security guards seem to be having some trouble controlling…{loud crash is heard, Jerry runs backstage}
Jerry: What is going on here?
Olinda: Everything’s ok. I was telling the girls how I couldn’t imagine that slut on a date David. All she’d do is ask about the music, cause she’s a DJ. Then Giada said that she thought that Cat was pretty.
Giada: {screams}You lying witch…someone had to defend her…you said she was a snake and a fake.
Olinda: {screams louder}We all know she’s a phony! How many times do I have to tell you that she doesn’t care a whit for our cowboy, she just wants the money.
She’s such a !itch (rhymes with witch) She then takes a couple of swings at Jerry for interrupting their fight…
Jerry to bouncers: Do you have this under control. I have to go back to our guests.
Bouncers: Don’t worry bout us Jer. We can take control now!
{Meanwhile…back on stage}
Jerry: Sorry about that Cat…now what happened on your date at the Pit of Despair?
Cat: (Flipping hair) Well, we going down to the sauna, and my swimsuit kept falling off…but David said that it looked fine and not to worry about anything.
Cat: David asked me if I played sports, and I said only if flipping my hair counts. He was so sweet. He said that he played football, but then I had to explain the difference between American Football and European Football, and how it’s really soccer. We then shared a special moment, {cue to footage showing a hot and sweaty and divine looking David and Cat half naked in her bathing suit.}
Jerry: Well, Cat I think we should hear what David has to say about this special moment. Audience, what do you think? {Audience shouts back, yes, yes, yes!} {David enters}
Jerry: So, David what happened? That moment with Cat, was so romantic…{cue to Cat flipping hair and grinning}
{Meanwhile...shouting is heard from backstage...}
Olinda: Cat is such an actress! She doesn’t really like him…she pretends to care about all of us. What a liar. I hate her, I hate her, I hate her!! {cue to picture backstage of Petra, Khristyna, Giada and Anique laughing}
Jerry: Sorry about you two. Now continue with your date.
David: Well, she asked about my date with Petra, and I didn’t want to talk about it. So I humored her a bit, then we went to dinner-my ace card so to speak when the going gets tough. On the way to dinner, I went to grab her hand, but she tried to swat my butt. Can y’all believe it?
Audience: “No way!”
Cat: {Flipping hair}Screaming: It’s a perfectly normal thing to do in Europe, you heathens. Well, dinner was great. I ordered the most expensive red wine that restaurant had. It’s a habit I have.
David: I didn’t even get to impress her with the Toscano that Giada recommended to me. I just cringed because it was so expensive. These girls act like I’m really a millionaire or something. I tried to chug the wine like it was a beer to forget about the cost of the wine...
Cat: {flipping hair}Then he had another Davidism, and asked me if I thought the wine was too heavy. I said ask me after another two glasses
{Meanwhile....shouts are heardfrom Olinda backstage:} All she does is sleep, drink wine and make rude comments
{Meanwhile...back on stage}
Cat: {flipping hair} Well, after we had another two glasses of wine, I asked for a toast and that David was so romantic. He said it was to our first alone date.
David: {shrugs}I was caught off guard and chugging wine at the time. I had to say something.
{Meanwhile a song erupts from backstage, sung in a Survivor pirate theme voice:}
Cat’s a hoe, she’s got to go, yo ho ho!
Cat’s a hoe, she’s got to go,
she’s got to go, yo ho ho!
Jerry: Cat, David sorry about that. Speaks to bouncers standing off to side: “Take care of that!”
Cat: Flips hair at a supersonic pace, Jerry you won’t believe what happened next on our date…another Davidism happened. He said that he couldn’t believe that I had never been to a rodeo before. I told him I’d go if he’d take me.
David: She then tried to kick me under the table, so I of course asked her to go on a walk, because I was hoping to get lucky like Evan Marriot was with Sarah then they went on their walk last season, but it didn’t happen...we just kissed.
Cat: Just flips her hair.
Jerry: Cat, I notice you flip your hair a lot…it’s a good thing that our views weren’t playing Amai’s Bachelor drinking game Amai’s Bachelor drinking game or Canada Girl’s TAR Drinking game CanadaGirls Drinking Game for every time Cat flips her hair, because they would all be passed out by now. David, I think you have money issues that we need to explore more, but this will be all for now. Cat, David thank you for coming on the show...Next up we’ll hear from Giada.

{Meanwhile...backstage}
Olinda does a mean impression of Cat flipping her hair, the girls say ask Cat a million question, the most important one being: “Did you do have physical contact?” asks one. After blowing the smoke out of her eyes replies: “yes, we had physical contact-but I’m so tired, I have to go to my dressing room and lie down. Ta Ta For Now.” The girls then get into a fist fight over how sincere Cat is, and say how they’d really like for her to have a nervous breakdown or something like Linda did.
Giada’s date
{back on stage}
Jerry: Welcome, Giada! Tell us about your date!
Giada: Well Jerry, David loved my red shirt...he kept talking about it. So I know it had nothing to do with my cleavage, and everything to do with the color red. I really wanted to get to know David better, but we kept looking at these boring 16th
century wine glasses...
{Meanwhile, shouts are heard from backstage…}
Olinda to Anique: She’s ugly I tell you. Nothing to look at. She could never be a model-I’m an out of work fashion designer, so I know what I’m talking about.
Anique: {taking a swing at Olinda while smoking a Marlboro}She could be a super model, I tell you. She’s the prettiest of us all.
Olinda: {Swinging back and also smoking} Did you just call me ugly and fat??
Anique: I didn’t call you fat….
{MeanwhilE... back on stage}
Jerry: Continue, Giada
Giada: Well, we were touring the oldest….
{Meanwhile...backstage shouting is heard again}
Olinda: Her stomach buldges! I tell you she could never model. I would never date her if she was a man!!
Anique and Khristyna: But you’d date us, right?
Olinda: Of course darlings…
{meanwhile....back on stage}

Giada: Well, nothing else really happened on our date… I just told David that I wanted To see his horse Hurricane, more then him.
Jerry: Well, Giada, I don’t think you’re fat at all, you just need to be more out spoken like Olinda…Thanks for being on the show. Next up we have Khristyna.
Khristyna’s Date
Jerry: Welcome to the date, um I mean show…what happened on your date with David?
Khristyna: All it did was rain, and I kept saying how bad Linda felt about leaving. I don’t know why we didn’t have a better time. Really I don’t. Anyway, the real action happened when I got back to the villa. I told the girls what a horrible time we had, and everyone felt sorry for me except that witch Cat.
Jerry: Really? I think we need to bring everyone out to hear what happen. Girls?
{Olinda, Anique, Giada and Cat all come on stage}
Jerry: Tell me what happened girls…
All the girls except Cat: Well, we told Cat that she had better shape up or ship out. That she had to stop being so rude, and yadda, yadda, yadda...
Cat: I don’t care what they think, those witches.
Olinda takes a swing at Cat, Cat swings back, all of sudden chairs are flying everywhere, Jerry gets hit in the nose…the girls are escorted backstage...
Jerry: Now girls, you really have to control your anger toward Cat more.
Olinda: She deserves it for being a phony. She’s a phony, phony, phony!
Giada: She’s not that bad, Olinda
Olinda: Oh yes she is...she hates us all!
Jerry: Each of you are going into your own dressing rooms until you can control Yourselves~all of you but Olinda that is. Olinda you’re up.
{back onstage}
Olinda: Jerry, I had the worst hangover of all time for our date..I tell you I don’t know how Paul got me up.
Paul: It wasn’t easy.
Olinda: Who asked you anyway? I wanted to be eliminated because my hangover was so bad.
Jerry: Really? Let’s see what David has to say about that...David, come on out.
David: Hey there, Jer. I thought that Olinda was one classy chick. She is always so much fun. You always know what you’re getting with her. {cue to Olinda barely moving to get ready for the date.}
Jerry: So what did you do in Florence?
David: I told her since I was a millionaire, she could buy anything she wanted. We were going by a Sunglasses store, so we stopped in.
Olinda: Freakin’ sunglasses? Can you believe it? Petra got a necklace. All I got were some lousy glasses. So of course I bought the most expensive pair.
David: They were for your damn hangover. You had bags under your eyes and looked around 40…I can’t believe that you’re really 26.
Olinda: {Gets up to confront him}Did you just call me old? I can’t take this anymore…{leaves set}
David: Not much else happened anyway, she tried to convince me that she was shy, but I didn’t believe her.
Jerry: That one shy? No freakin way! Anyway, we have one more date to cover. Let’s bring out Anique.
Anique’s Date
Anique: Not much happened on our date…we had lunch, and I told David that I always wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter because of an episode of the A-Team that I saw when I was little.
Jerry: He hadn’t heard of the A-Team? {to David} Are you American boy?
David: I’m American, I just didn’t ever watch Mr.T. I’m just a youngin’ ya know.
Jerry: But still...it’s a classic....I guess that’s another Davidism for you.
Anique: I tried to describe what the show was about, but ended up saying that the reason I haven’t taken helicopter lessons yet is because I am a poor student and need his millions in order to complete my dream.
Jerry: David how do you feel about this?
David: I have spending issues, man. No way is she getting flying lessons with my money.
Anique: I have my ways. I just need to go to the final two.
Jerry: Which brings us to the elimination ceremony….we’ll bring out everyone for this.

Paul: This should be brilliant. Just bloody brilliant.
Jerry: What happened?
Olinda: He choose that witch Cat over my beloved Khristyna. Can you believe it?
David: All she did was talk about Linda. Give a guy a break!
David: You call me a loser after I told you all how amazing all of you were and how much fun I had with you. I chose Petra because I don’t think that she’s out for the money. Olinda, I mistakenly chose you because you’re fun. Anique, went from the bottom of my list to the top two. Can’t wait for another date. I chose Cat because she’s beautiful.
Giada: He broke my heart.
Khristyna: I just don’t understand-What was wrong with Linda?{runs off stage crying}
Jerry: Well, that concludes this episode of Jealous wisdom. Please stay tuned for my
words of wisdom, and for Angelfood’s summary of the second hour of Mondays episode…..

Words of Wisdom
Now, each person wants to be liked by others. Some just go to extremes to prove it. Take Olinda for example. She makes fun of others before they can make fun of her. Now is that the right way to act on national tv? Who am I to judge? What I can say is this, without her this show would have been much more boring then what it was. David seems like an overall nice guy, but has serious issues about spending money that Fox gave him to spend. I say: You only have one life, why not live it well?