Oh, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim . . . you made me feel things I've never felt before. As a father, I will . . . I will . . .

::bursts into song::

I will be your father figure.
Put your tiny chest on mine . . .

Keep in touch. I'll keep up the fatherly stuff. Like blubber, blubber, bawl, bawl, bawl . . . .

Bwaaaaa Haaaa Boo hoo hoo

Sniff.

*picks self off floor* *smooths tight fitting dress* *Winks at Dr Stan* *turns to face Kim*
Now we'll see who is the better HG. You have just made an enemy for life. *Glare* You are something! Look at yourself. Look at me. Dr Stan asked me to sit by him. Did he you?
Now let's talk about that potato sack you're wearing. HAHAHA!
Thank you Andy Page! Look at me, you skinny #*%$^. My dress is flattering, form fitting, and beautiful.
*wierd lip movements* Look at you! HAHAHA! That's not a dress, it's a brown garbage bag. *raising voice* You can't even keep it on your shoulders. Do you know how stupid you look pulling it up every 10 seconds. *wierd lip movements* *grabs a lock of hair, twist* Why did you let them put you in that? *shouting* Don't you know that was the final project. You were to stand up on your OWN TWO FEET. HAHAHA! You lose! I win.
*watching as Kim falls over into a weeping pile of brown material* *straightens up, smooths dress* *looks shyly at Dr Stan* *winks* I'm going to visit my darling bathroom.

Oh no! Iyanla's askin' for a percentage!!

Jill calculates how much money her “stardom” has brought in so far…

"…$20.00 for a “conflama” BBQ apron, $20.99 for a “conflama” Jr. Spaghetti tank, and $16.00 for a “conflama” mouse pad….that’s $56.99!!! I can’t let Iyanla get a hold of that money! (thinks of all the items on the McDonald’s dollar menu $56.99 can buy.) And if she starts askin’ for money, like, uhhhhhhhhh, you know, then Rhonda’s gonna be next! Ha-ha, lucky I changed those T-shirts and journals I’m sellin’ to read “Fearless Livin’” instead of “Fearless Living”…that makes it like, uhhhhhhhhhh, you know, a totally different sayin’.

<<At this point Jill is sweating a little more than usual.>> Mama Iyanla, don’t I deserve, uhhhhhhhhhhh, you know, a little sumthin’ sumthin’ for all I did for you, takin’ time out of my busy schedule to appear on your show, uhhhhh, you know, to help you with the ratings…and remember how you made me carry those bags with my 40 lb tumor??? I think I deserve a little sumthin’ sumthin’ for that….oh laaaaawd, now I’m getting’ all upset, and the doctor says stress is gonna make my tumor grow bigger and bigger…<<fans self with wrapper from Big Mac, dabs at tears with napkin from KFC, and thinks, ’if the tumor thang worked for Allison…’>>

And not to make you feel guilty, but I was kinda expectin’ my own talk show as a graduation gift, and all I got was a job introducin’ jazz songs on a little radio station. Yeah, they don’t even let me educate anyone by dispensing’ my “pearls”, entertain anyone with my “Jill-isms”, or enlighten anyone with all this spiritual awareness I’ve like uhhhhhhh, you know, accumulated. And that b*tch station manager’s been tellin’ me my hover round is leavin’ tire tracks all over her floors, and that I get the mic greasy when I eat spicy wings between songs.

And uhhhhhhhh, you know, while we’re on the subject of those Burger King and Dunkin’ Donuts coupons… Iyanla Baby, I’m a STAR now. I can’t be seen payin’ with coupons. My fans expect to see a little more of this “livin’ large” we do. So it’s gonna have to be uhhhhh, you know, CASH from now on.

And now if you’ll excuse me, I got fan mail waitin’ to be answered.”

<<balances laptop on handlebars of scooter. >>

<<Jill has FOUR new e-mail messages!!>>

<<reads first one, which asks how medical treatment of her tumor is progressing. Hits “delete” without replying..>>

<<reads second one, in which a SO viewer inquires how her relationship with Daddy Leonard is progressing. Hits “delete” without replying.>>

<<reads third message, which asks how much weight she’s lost since leaving the Starting Over House. Hits “delete” without replying.>>

<<reads fourth message, which asks if she’s received any “Hollywood offers” since graduating. Hits “delete” without replying.>>

<<decides to close e-mail, and checks to see if Dairy Queen has a website.>>

Yo, Niambi baby, whozat homeboy you lookin' at. You tell 'im he mess witch you I cut 'im. I cut 'im up good. You tell 'im.

<<Jill puts down her bag of pork rinds and gives Situation Man the once-over>>

Hey, Situation Man, you ain't half bad. I like your bling, and you got a nice smile. You interested in switchin' from Niambi to a curvy girl?

Hey Jill. Nice ride! Did you get that FREE for being on the show? How do I get free stuff? I WANT FREE STUFF! Did you see my closet? I NEED MORE STUFF.

Hey I got credit cards. <Rattles credit card bracelets. Examines cards on bracelets>

Hmmm. Maybe one of these would actually work. C'mon Jill let's go for it! They'll send the bill to Mr. Murray. Miss Iyanla will never know.

<Picks up phone and calls store to place order>

LAST EDITED ON 04-25-06 AT 01:02 PM (EST)

Antonia…guuuuuurl, I been watchin’ you, and all I can say is, “You are a trip!!”. For the love of Christmas, I can’t believe you were stupid enough to let yourself get in debt like that. That’s okay, though, ‘cause I like you, and I think the Universe has uhhhhhh, you know, caused our paths to cross so I can give you some real life coachin’. Now, you need to stop signin’ up for the plastic. That was really stupid. All you need to do is learn some famous Jeeee-yull Tracey shoplifting techniques. It’s fast, easy, and no creditor conflama. Don’t worry, I’m here to teach you the fine art of goin’ shoppin’ with empty bags & comin’ back with them full. I can also teach you how to leave your old clothes in the fittin’ room while you walk out wearin’ the new ones. It’s fun. I’ll also show you how to uhhhhhhhh, you know, laugh it off if you get caught.

I know just what you mean about not wanting those dirty clothes you can afford….I only stole the best. You like Prada, Antonia?

You ready to be educated, enlightened, and entertained? Just hop your @ss on the handlebars of my scooter. <<tosses aside Krispy Kreme box to make room, takes a moment to recover from the physical exertion>> You mind if we go through the Mickey D drive thru on our way?

edited to remove regular sig

Jill honey. I'm ready. I deserve the good stuff...only the good stuff for me. None of that nasty used stuff for this girl. Let's go shoplifting er...shopping. As long as I don't have to ride the bus, I'm on board.

<Plants self on handlebars. Sits on leftover donut.>

Let's go to Mickey D's. Maybe I can pass off some of these bills Iyanla gave me.

Don’t worry, Antonia baby, you ain’t gotta be embarrassed bein’ seen on this fine ride.

<<pats Hoverround and starts off down the driveway. Stops briefly when they come to Iyanla‘s parked Mercedes. Reaches over & quickly breaks off hood ornament, and tosses it into her handbag>>

“Remind me to super-glue that on to the front of my scooter later.

Now for more Jeeee-yull Tracey pearls of wisdom. Now Antonia, girl, remember, you get one chance at superstardom, you gotta grab it, just like I did. You gotta start thinking’ of comin’ up with, uhhhhhhhhhhhh, you know, some kind of catchphrase. Just take something’ Iyanla says to you and call it your own. For instance, if I were you, I’d already be havin’ T-shirts made up with the logo “Too Pretty To Ride the Bus” across the front. Yeah, lotta girls would wanna buy those. You got a website yet, Antonia?

Don’t worry girl, you gonna be alright.

But you gotta start cryin’ soon…they like it when you cry. You watch any of my SO performances, Antonia? I let those tears run into my neck creases and down my shirt. And you gotta stop all this nonsense sayin’ your mama is your best friend…Iyanla is your mama now! You just uhhhhhh, you know, remember that."

I can cry, Jill.

BWAHHHH HUH HUH HUH HOO HOO HOO

><<Jill puts down her bag of pork rinds and gives Situation Man the once-over>>
>
>Hey, Situation Man, you ain't half
>bad. I like your
>bling, and you got a
>nice smile. You interested
>in switchin' from Niambi to
>a curvy girl?
>
Mmmmm, gurl, you fine. So yeah, you like my bling, huh? Baby, I gots mo' where dat come from. But lissen, gurl, you can't be tellin' Niambi I be talking witch you. She tell my gurlfrien' an dey be all kinda sh## comin' my way. Mmmm, hmm, l checkin' outcho ride too. Where you get dat?? I need to be gettin' me ride like dat.

Bwahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ah bwahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

No, no. Not quite right.

Bwahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ah hawwwwwwwwwwwww boo hoo.

No, no.

::dabs glycerine in eye corners::

::rewinds Ice Castle DVD on iVideo::

Uhslubberblubber ::voice crack:: ::deep sucking sound:: a boo hoo.

Yes.

Wah wah wah boo hoo hoooooooo. (How'm I doin' Jill?)
WWWAAAAAAHHHHHHH.

I'm so pi$$ed. I hate STAHTIN OVAH!!! They promised me good sh!t and I'm not gettin' any. I had to buy my own. WTF?! What happened to all the sh!t everyone else got? I'm prettier than they are.

WWWAAAAAHHHHH WWWAAHHHHHH. I'm poutin' big time now. (How'm I doin'???)

Is it workin' yet? Okay then... WWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I'm callin' my Mom.

LAST EDITED ON 04-26-06 AT 06:19 PM (EST)

LAST EDITED ON 04-26-06 AT 01:36 PM (EST)

Cassie runs into the house with Rhonda. They sit down on the couch.

Cassie: .... I just had to try one more time so I called and a young man said "Someone is looking for me where I'm at." He's coming to the SO house on Saturday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Looks at HG and Rhonda and mentions a line from a poem.

Cassie: You held me up when I couldn't walk... (Cries)

Cassie thinks to herself "Hmmm, I am so happy to be spending some time here in the SO house again!".

(Antonia where are you? I need you to say why I gave up my son for adoption. LOL!!!!!!!!)

(Iyanla is seen walking towards her car in the SO driveway. She's in a chipper mood, kind of dancing as she walks. She is singing a little tune she made up herself)

IYANLA: (singing a happy, hip-hop tune)

My name is Miss Iyanla,
and I'm a life coach mama,
and I am soooo fine!
I borrowed Stanley's blanky,
and now's he's kinda cranky,
and I am stilll fine!
I'll give it to the ladies,
to polish my Mercedez,
my car is soooo fine!
It's great to be Iyanla.
cause I'm a ......(singing abruptly stops - as does dancing. Iyanla stops dead in her tracks. Her eyes are as big as golf balls, and they are fixed on the front of her car.)

What the?....Who the?....Ja, aaah, dah, umm, ah yah - HEY!!! ON NO - THEY DIN'DT...NO - THEY DIN'DT...Breathe, Iyanla baby, just breathe...yessss, in and out, in and out....this can be fixed....

WAAAAAHHHHH!!!! Who the ^#%$& has been ^&*%*&ing with my Mercedez CL600??????? I've been VIOLATED!!!! HELP ME...HELP ME....MY $135,000 CAR! It has been defiled!

(Iyanla has fallen on the ground in front of her car. She's ripped her "Just My Size" pantyhose, skinned her knee, and she thinks she wet her pants - just a little bit. Through her tears of rage, she lightly touches the jagged metal post on the hood of her car - it's the only remnant of her specially ordered Mercedes Benz symbol.)

"Oh no...this car isn't even made with that symbol up there on the hood...sniff, sniff....I had that put there so that I could see it from the driver's seat. It made me feel so.......so.......so.......rich and important. Who did this? They have touched my identity! Was it that clown Katz? Just because I took his stupid blanklet? Or is it one of my girls? Hmmmmm....is there anyone here who wants people to believe they're rich like me? Antonia? Jill? I.....need.......an.......answer......"

*******************************************

I was taking a stroll throught the walls the other day and overheard this little tidbit from Niambi while she was on the phone with Situation Man.

http://www.moviewavs.com/cgi-bin/moviewavs.cgi?Pootie_Tang=neckbone.wav

LAST EDITED ON 05-01-06 AT 00:40 AM (EST)

...you wouldn't believe all that goes on here. I really miss you. I'v been a good girl, like you said, Mr Situation Man, I miss you sooo much. There's a sister here that has no clue. She doesn't know about money. She's asking everyone for money all the time. She owes about a million bucks. She needs someone like you to set her straight. *sounds of lip smacking* Gimmie some more of your juicy neckbone, one more time. I just love your mamma's cooking. Do you think we can meet soon. I have a sesson with another sister. She reminds me of my Granny. They both have great bosoms. I really miss you. I have to go clean. Yeah, you heard right, the HG's think I'm their maid. I am so much better than that. I've never had to do this before. Dr. Stan tells me "cleanness is next to Godliness". It's still really hard work. I wish I could clean like Miss Situation Man. That is the only good thing about her. Later.

::looks around nervously::

::bites fingernail::

Ummm. Has anyone seen my favorite red and blue blanky?

Iyanla took it this morning and I haven't seen it since.

LAST EDITED ON 04-26-06 AT 06:27 PM (EST)

*r-r-r-r-r-r-ing!*

A tiny familiar voice from The Fly,...

"help...me-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e"

*A familiar hg voice calls to someone in the background*

"No, honey. I tolya. He ain't gonna call you here. He can't get none...I mean, he can't express how deeply he truly feels about you over the phone."

...

"Hello?"

*Caller tries again*

"help...me-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e"

*HG interrupts and calls out again*

"No, it's knit One, purl two. And don't tell Antonia you got it out of the trash when you give it to her. It's gonna be such a pretty headband! If there's enough yarn left, we can make one for Andy, too."

...

"Hello?...Hello?...Is that someone crying?"

*Silence*

"Hmmm. Noboy's there. Guess if was important, they'll call back."

*Click*

"I'm not bad. I'm just drawn that way."

knit one, pearl . . .AHHHHHHHHHH

That yarn looks suspiciously like my BLANKY . . . My SPECIAL FUZZY WUZZY . . .

If someone is setting me up for more MAN TEARS, it's working.

::face scrunches up::

*Miss Iyanla hands Niambi a ball of red and blue yarn*

The red is my life? The blue is Mr. Situation Man. Why did you take the blue? Stand still when I'm asking you a question. Let's see, what do I want in my life. I can't get to it, why are you wrapping that blue yarn around me?

Niambi thinks to herself, She freaking entangled me.

Why can't I move? Where are you going? How am I suppose to get out of this? *shouting* Don't leave me. I don't know what to do.
Which string am I suppose to save? Miss Iyanla? Hello, anyone there?

*standing like a deer in the headlights*

*two hours later*

I have a pair of scissors in my hand. I'll just cut myself out.

*cut* *cut* *cut*

I'm going to take a nap. I need my beauty sleep. I'll head over to that little fat man statue. No one ever goes there.

OK -- just what is the deal here? Can't a girl attend a Tweezers Convention without coming back to total chaos? For crying out loud, what's the matter with you people?! Dr. Stan, you're a total wuss; Mr. Murray, you are an insinuating boor; and Mom... well, what can I say? My own mother is acting like a floozy. Mom, what in the world are you up to, messing with that nasty little doctor-wannabe creature? To look at him, I'm not quite certain he's been to med school. What really scares me is that I when I retrieved our voice mail messages last night, some man with a high voice and a German accent had called, saying your gynecologist appointment was this Friday... aw, puhleeeze, Mom, can't you do better than this??

And you know what, Dr. Stan? I've truly had enough of you. Every time I go to my dressing room I can tell you've been there -- and don't even try lying your way out of this one! I found that International Male catalog lying on my bathroom floor, and it had beard hair on it that looks suspiciously like yours. Uh, at least I thought it was beard hair... oh, no... please don't let it be the -- the -- oh no --the other kind of curly black hair! Ewwwwwww!

Just for that, I think it's time to tell everyone how your little tears have come about. Folks, Dr. Stan wears a Padded Butt Brief from Under Gear! And when you thought you saw him crying, it was because this little puppy had ridden up and compromised his left... uh, let's just say, his private parts! Hmmmph! So there, Stan! Your secret is out! And if you don't stop using my bathroom, I'm going to tell everyone about your Baja Thong.

All this tension is making my eyebrows twitch, especially my left one. I think it's time for a mirror-gazing and admiring session good cry and some journaling.

:: lip quivering ::

You stop picking on me right now, Andy, or I'll cry on you . . . maybe even get slobber and mucous down your big, tall, black leather boot tops.

(aside) This Crying Thing is it. Book deals, Oprah appearances, even my own Dr. Stan's Crying House reality show.

Finally. My ticket out of this dump.

::laughs::

::re-rolls gray turtleneck::

::rubs onion in eye::

P.S. It's not my beard hair. It's Rhonda's.

I do believe a mirror session would do wonders for your outlook, my dear. I have a wide assortment and would be happy to lend you one. The best one for you, dear, is one I have put up in Kelly's Sommer's bathroom. *giggles to self while thinking of the funhouse mirror she put there so that Kim wouldn't think herself too beautiful*

Enjoy, dear!

Be fearless, but be fearful of ME.