LAST EDITED ON 05-20-06 AT 07:39 PM (EST)

Official Amazing Race 9 Finale Summary
“Million Dollar Hippies”

This season on The Amazing Race
-Starting in Denver, Colorado, eleven teams embarked on a race around the world.
-For various reasons, the following teams were eliminated: John/Scott (too much running), Lisa/Joni (can’t do anything), Wanda/Desiree (hydrophobia), Danielle/Dani (too top-heavy), Dave/Lori (too focused on each other), and Lake/Michelle (100% Michelle’s fault).
-In Oman, BJ and Tyler were non-elim’d, due to BJ’s overall ineptitude at hole-digging.
-Fran and Barry were eliminated in Australia (no wheelchair access).
-In a close footrace, BJ and Tyler were non-elim’d again, further proving their racing consistency.
-Later, in Thailand, Joseph and Monica reached the mat last and were eliminated (they were against the hippies, so they had to die).

There you go. Ten minutes of introduction compacted into ten lines of text. It’s called a summary for a reason, kids.

Part One: Turning Japanese

The opening credits roll by as well as the surprisingly nonexistent commercial break, so Phil sets the scene. Teams are currently in Bangkok, Thailand, where they can eat, sleep, and mingle with something or other. Even though Ray and Yolanda only finished third in the previous leg, they had the Golden Gnome of Sponsorship, so they get to stay in a luxury hotel suite as they pick out their vacation package. Luckily for our good sponsors at Travelocity, they eventually navigate their way through the supposedly easy-to-use website and book a vacation. Whew.

BJ and Tyler leave the Pitstop first, and rip open their clue. Teams must travel by taxi and find Royal Kraal, whatever that is. There, one of the elephants will give the each of the teams a T-Mobile Sidekick with their next clue. As they get into their taxi, Tyler says something about winning a million dollars. Just felt like sharing that, for some reason. BJ comments that he thought that they would just “slaughter” the competition, but they realized that even immortal gods like themselves can make poor decisions. Tyler also points out that they’re not worried about being eliminated anymore. Well, that’s good. Now they can worry about real-life, practical things like global warming.

Meanwhile, Eric and Jeremy are leaving the pitstop too. They’re pretty excited about seeing some elephants, since they’d never seen an elephant close-up before. They’d only seen ‘em on high-quality Fox programming like When Elephants Attack or reports from the National Republican Convention.

BJ and Tyler arrive at Elephantworld, but it doesn’t open until 4 AM. That should be just enough time for Ray and Yolanda to catch up, because they’re leaving right now. Ray makes a comment about the “Frat Girls,” which doesn’t make any sense at all. If anything, those two are “Sorority Boys,” if you know what I mean. Ray also mentions how a discussion of a wrong turn can turn into a discussion about the relationship. He says that it turns into the Amazing Relationship Race, and that there are really two races on this show.

We’re fifteen minutes into the episode and Ray’s already playing the Race Card. Don’t tell me that wasn’t an allegory.

Eventually the two slower teams arrive at Elephantworld and 4 AM finally trudges along. This is called Massive Bunching Point #1 of the episode. They quickly find the elephants and receive their T-Mobile Sidekicks. In a groovy voiceover, Phil explains that teams must fly to Tokyo, Japan and find Shibuya, the world’s busiest intersection. Once there, they need to search the numerous billboards and videos for their next clue. Those suffering from epilepsy need not apply for this task.

BJ and Tyler are really excited about this trip to Japan, since Tyler has already been there. He says that he has walked the entire island on foot, and even has a Japanese girlfriend, which really gives Tyler that extra edge. He says that, aside from America, it’s the country that he feels most at home. I bet you do, Tyler. Anime nerd.

Meanwhile, Ray and Yolanda, astonishingly in first place, have arrived at the airport. They quickly find the earliest flight and head to the United counter. Eric and Jeremy find the same flight, and both teams get tickets. BJ and Tyler go to the wrong floor. When they do finally get to the counter, the flight is full. Besides, if they had gotten tickets, Eric and Jeremy would’ve just canceled them anyway.

Usually, when a commercial comes along, everything ends up working out. But, in this case, BJ and Tyler have to book a Thai Airlines flight, which arrives one-and-a-half hours later than the other two teams. But that’s OK. They expect to make up a lot of time in Japan, since they know the language.

When the Japanese-illiterate teams arrive, they have to find their cars at a nearby hotel and drive to Shibuya. Ray and Yolanda, still smug about leading the pack earlier, leave right away. Eric and Jeremy go inside the hotel to get directions. Which was, surprisingly, the smart thing to do. Ray and Yolanda are puzzled and mystified by the transportation system of Japan. The signs in Japan are much more complicated that the American varieties of Stop, Yield, and Turn Left signs. The Japanese signs have large, complex pictures of left-right-left-straight-left turns.

In short, Ray and Yolanda are seriously confused. After “driving Miss Crazy” around, they eventually ask some locals for directions, but they don’t understand. Obviously, finding the busiest intersection in the world is an obscure, difficult location. My strategy would be “go to where all those cars and people are.” Meanwhile BJ and Tyler have arrived in Japan, while Eric and Jeremy are already parking their cars at the Sakamoto building. The frats find Shibuya square pretty quickly and gawk at all the sparkly flashing colors. Eventually, they spot a video screen with the words “Find Hachiko” on it. Hachiko, Phil explains, is a statuette of a dog from Japanese folklore. Nearby, teams will find a man wearing a red and yellow scarf who will give them their next clue.

Eric and Jeremy find the Hachiko statuette pretty quickly, but they think that “Hachiko” is referring to the man’s name. Which makes a ton of sense, because every single person in Tokyo knows who that guy is. I can’t wait for the “Find Bill in New York” Roadblock next year.

Eric and Jeremy open their clue. Detour! A Detour is a choice between two tasks, each with its own pronouns and conjunctions. Or something like that. In this Detour, teams either choose “Maiden” or “Messenger.”

In “Maiden,” teams must travel to an anonymous tea garden and transport a maiden-in-a-box one-third of a mile to a house. In “Messenger,” teams must assemble folding bikes and ride through Tokyo to deliver parcels to two buildings. Then, they must return their bicycles with their two signatures to get their next clue.

Let’s see... Heavy lifting + Minimal brain power + Interaction with a Women = An Eric and Jeremy task. As Eric and Jeremy wander off in the pursuit of the Holy Booty, BJ and Tyler have arrived in Shibuya and are looking for Hachiko. They quickly bypass the mini-task and choose the Messenger Detour option, as another chance to show off their superior Japanese skills and knowledge.

Eric and Jeremy, possessing no internal skills, are busy carrying the maiden-in-a-box, supported by shoulder yokes. BJ and Tyler, meanwhile, are putting their bikes together, and Tyler thinks he’s actually been to one of the buildings before during the dress rehearsal for tonight’s show. Ray and Yolanda must have missed that rehearsal, because they’re still stuck in traffic, confused as always. Ray rationalizes that all of the teams must be having this much trouble. Yolanda disagrees, arguing that there must be something wrong with their relationship. We’re saved by a commercial break.

While Ray and Yolanda fruitlessly ask for directions, Eric and Jeremy have delivered their maiden and they get a clue. According to one of them, “this is like a naughty fantasy come true, right here.” Methinks someone’s been ordering too many inflatable dolls through the mail.

Teams must now travel to the Capsule Land Hotel, the hotel of capsule lands, to receive further instruction. Eric and Jeremy, being shot down by the Japanese maiden, sullenly head to the hotel. BJ and Tyler have reached their first building, and Ray and Yolanda have finally arrived in Shibuya to gawk at the signage. It must have taken them a long time, because BJ and Tyler find their second building before they find Hachiko. Ray and Yolanda, wisely trying to minimize confusion, choose to do the Maiden. Detour option, I mean. Just in case Eric and Jeremy are reading this summary, I want to make that clear.

Eric and Jeremy have found the hotel pretty quickly, and are given a 9 AM departure time. Upon seeing their “rooms,” they’re pretty freaked out about their sleeping arrangements. Their worrying is ridiculous. Those capsules combine the padded sensation of an insane asylum with the cozy atmosphere of sleeping in a coffin. What could be greater than that? Furthermore, Eric and/or Jeremy is/are worried about sleeping in their time capsules, because they might wake up in 1972 and would have to endure the pain of the disco era.

Meanwhile, Ray and Yolanda have run their maiden-in-a-box into some trees, just to see if there’s really someone inside. Sadistic fools. They quickly deliver “the goods” and head back to the hotel. Speaking of which, BJ and Tyler are checking in now! They get their 9:15 AM departure time and head upstairs. Ray and Yolanda arrive later, earning a 9:30 time. They go upstairs to be belittled by the other two teams, so Ray compares the hotel to a prison. Yeah, I feel your pain too, Ray. I had to watch this episode twice.

The next morning, teams must now drive 80 miles to Fujikyu Highland, an amusement park near Mt. Fuji. You know, like Fuji Film. The two competitive teams leave and immediately head to the highway, while Ray and Yolanda ask for directions at a Denny’s. As usual, upon hearing the instructions, Ray looks very confused and gives the “I hate Japan” look. The only Japanese thing that Ray understands is karaoke. And he’s not even good at that.

Suddenly, the show stops for a moment to look at Mt. Fuji. Eric or Jeremy thinks that “Mt. Tokyo” is a pretty big mountain. No wonder they named a city after it. They then ask for directions and realize that, if you talk really fast and blur the words together, the locals will understand. Youguysarereallysmart.

Incidentally, BJ and Tyler have caught up to Eric and Jeremy. Darn hippies and their language-knowing. Why can’t everyone be ignorant and stick to their own languages, like Eric and Jeremy? The two teams rush to the park and grab the next clue. Roadblock!

In this Roadblock, one team member must ride three thrill rides. While on one of the rides, they will spot a man with a message on a sign, which they should tell the attendant to receive the next clue. If they don’t see the message or are incorrect, they must do all three rides over again. If the players barf, then the producers have done their job.

Tyler and Jeremy (the blond guys) opt to toss their cookies on the thrill rides. First they ride a pendulum swingin’, merry-go-round spinnin’ contraption, but neither of them sees anything. As someone who’s ridden one of these before, I think it would be pretty difficult to read a message on that ride anyway. By the time you’d see the message, you’ve spun away from it into their air.

Meanwhile, Ray and Yolanda are stuck at a tollbooth because they can’t find their toll ticket. You see, tickets in Japan are really confusing too. Shockingly, you have to remember where you put them! This crazy idea of “organization” is foreign to us Americans like Ray and Yolanda. Eventually, the tollbooth guy just gives ‘em a Ticket For Stupidity and they drive off.

Jeremy and Tyler, by now, are on the second thrill ride, a giant whooshing roller coaster of nausea. Again, neither of them saw a message, but Tyler hints broadly that he had. Deceit! Treachery! Immorality! Underhandedness! I’m so disillusioned now. But that’s OK. Jeremy and Tyler both find the message on the third thrill ride, another roller coaster, so justice will be served. When Yield season comes along, BJ and Tyler will be the hunted. Or something like that.

Teams must now travel to Lake Yamanaka. Once there, they should paddle a Duck Boat across the lake to the giant swan boat where the pitstop is. These directions must’ve excited Jeremy, because he admits that he was the captain of the Swan Boat Club in high school. Hey, it looked good on his college application. He also is bitterly complaining about the sneaky hippies and Tyler’s recent deceit. He claims that he “hates them” now. Good job, Jeremy. That “We Hate Hippies” strategy really worked for Joseph and Monica. Go against the hippies, and you will be destroyed.

Ray and Yolanda, always one step behind, have finally arrived at the park. As usual, their argument about the ticket has turned into one about their relationship. Yolanda’s ready to get some time away from Ray and, luckily for her, it’s a Roadblock. Before the first ride, she claims that she’s going to be drunk before the ride is over as she hooks the Budweiser I.V. into her veins. She doesn’t see the man with the sign on the first two rides, of course, but she does see it on the third one. Before they go, they ask a vendor for directions who, of course, confuses them. But that goes without saying. Even Pokemon confuses Ray and Yolanda.

Meanwhile, there’s an actual race going on. BJ and Tyler arrive at the lake first, with Eric and Jeremy close behind them. Both teams quickly pile into their Duck Boats and start paddling. Which is, of course, the most exciting thing ever. The Duck Boats are slicing through the waves at speeds up to 5 MPH, having no regard for the obstacles in their way. Despite Jeremy’s high school role on the Swan Boat Club, these are still Duck Boats. And that’s a big difference.

BJ and Tyler, premiere Duck Boat paddlers, easily beat Eric and Jeremy to the pitstop. Both of them win T-Mobile Sidekicks with service for a year. Hey, it’s not as great a Chevy truck, a Travelocity trip, or even a Kodak Easy-Share camera, but they’ll take it. Moments later, Eric and Jeremy arrive in 2nd place, and Phil rags ‘em for getting beaten by Kerry-votin’, environment savin’ hippies. Jeremy gripes about Tyler’s deceit one more time, but Tyler just doesn’t care. Go cancel some more cabs, Jeremy. That’ll make you feel better, I’m sure.

Ray and Yolanda show up later, and Phil tells them that they’re the last team to arrive. Non-elim’d. Lose all their stuff. But that doesn’t matter. Ray tells Phil that he’s confident that they’re going to definitely win the million dollars, once they escape Japan. Yolanda’s too busy thinking about what Ray just told Phil about their relationship.

Part Two: Recap or Déjà Vu?

After their short visit to Lake Yamanaka, BJ and Tyler are ready to go. Teams must now fly to Anchorage, Alaska, and find a marked car with their next clue. Before they leave, BJ and Tyler leave 2,000 yen for Ray and Yolanda.

Eric and Jeremy leave next. In a confessional, they note that second place is not an option for them. That leaves only first or third for them. But, since Ray and Yolanda are still around, they’ll have to settle for first. Sigh. After piling into the car, Eric and Jeremy treat us to their delightful rendition of Japanese movie dubbing. Last time I saw a performance like that, I was at an Ashlee Simpson concert. And her lip-synching was better. Thanks to their reckless driving, they catch up to BJ and Tyler, but they take a different route.

Ray and Yolanda leave next, expecting some sort of million dollar miracle. They’re extremely excited that the hippies left them 2,000 yen. That’s two-thousand smackers of Japanese currency, suckas. Their excitement turns to gloom when they realize that a yen isn’t worth squat, and that they owe 20 bucks to BJ and Tyler if they win the million.

BJ and Tyler return their car to the hotel parking lot, and go inside to use the internet. In another flash of sneaky deceit, they tell the hotel employees not to help any of the other teams. And, surprisingly, the plan worked. Eric and Jeremy arrive moments later. The whole scene seemed to come right of out Monty Python or the 1980s movie Clue…

Eric: “Is there internet service in this hotel?”
Man: “Yes.”
Eric: “Can we use it?”
Man: “We don’t have internet service.”
Jeremy: “I thought you said that you did.”
Man: “I changed my mind. That was a ‘Yes’ meaning ‘No.’”
Jeremy: “Yes meaning No?”
Man: “That’s right.”
Eric: “So you really meant No.”
Man: “Correct.”
Eric: “So, is there internet service in this hotel, yes or no?”
Man: “No.”
Jeremy: “Is that No meaning No, or No meaning Yes?”
Man: “Yes.”

Eric and Jeremy eventually give up and grab a telephone, which the hotel does have. I think. Meanwhile, Ray and Yolanda are busy begging for money in a nearby restaurant. One of the patrons, obviously having never seen a black woman before, thinks that Yolanda looks like Janet Jackson. They get a couple thousand yen and Yolanda promises to say hello to Michael for them. Poor Tito Jackson doesn’t get no shout-outs from nobody.

Back at the hotel, both teams have found flights to Alaska, so BJ and Tyler visit Eric and Jeremy in the lobby. The frats complain about the lack of internet service in the hotel, and the hippies listen sympathetically. Eventually, fate gets tired of humoring Eric and Jeremy, and the shuttle to the airport arrives.

Arriving at the airport, Eric and Jeremy hurry away and hide behind a counter, so that the hippies won’t follow them like they usually do. It’s like some sort of Secret Airport Action Sequence, as our young heroes try to escape the Evil Hippies of Non-Elimination. Eric and Jeremy stealthily book tickets for a connection through Taipei and quickly board the plane. BJ and Tyler, meanwhile, find another connection through Taipei on China Airlines which arrives later.

Ray and Yolanda eventually reach the airport too. They try getting on the same flight as the hippies, but the flight is already closed. Ray is pretty upset with the ticket lady, since she wasted thirty minutes of their time. Luckily for them, a commercial break comes along, and everything is gravy. The lady gets a call from Jerry Bruckheimer, who mysteriously cancels two seats at the last moment, so Ray and Yolanda get on the same flight.

In Taipei, Eric and Jeremy wait for their connection, hoping that none of the other teams show up. But both teams do anyway, and we’ve reached Massive Bunching Point #2 of the episode. All three teams pile onto the same flight to Anchorage.

You know, it’s nice to see that the world is a large enough place that The Amazing Race doesn’t have to visit cities twice. But we’re talking about Anchorage, Alaska. It was pretty darn awesome in TAR1 and it’ll be pretty darn awesome eight seasons later. I bet you Team Guido is still stuck in that Alaskan cabin.

Teams arrive and easily locate their cars. Teams must now drive thirty miles to Mirror Lake to get their next clue. BJ and Tyler are pretty upset about still being in such a cold climate. Their brains must be starting to freeze, too. They approach a right-turn, and BJ asks if this is where they can turn right. These two obviously miss the complex signage of Japan.

Eventually, the frats and the hippies find Mirror Lake and they grab their next clue. Detour! A Detour is choice between two tasks, each with its own pronouns and conjunctions. This Detour, teams can either “Drill It” or “Deliver It.”

In “Drill It,” teams must drill ten holes into the ice until they reach the water below. Then they will push a giant shed, until it is covering two of the holes. Upon successful completion, the ice fisherman will give them their next clue. In “Deliver It,” teams must load medical supplies into a plane and fly 150 miles round-trip to a First Aid Station. I would go into greater detail about “Deliver It,” but the weather is so lousy that no one can do it anyway.

So both teams drill it. BJ and Tyler take the early lead, but Eric and Jeremy eventually pass them once they’ve figure out where the ice is. Once again, the hippies lie to Eric and Jeremy about their progress, which just makes the frats drill faster. They finish their tenth hole and begin pushing their shed to victory. Tyler’s busy drilling their last hole, and proclaims that he’s entirely skin, bones, and attitude. But no muscle, brains, or sobriety. Hey, at least Eric and Jeremy’s got one of those traits. So there.

Speaking of which, Eric and Jeremy have finished the Detour and are now heading 26 miles to Kincaid Park, where they will put on snowshoes and navigate the confusing trail system. In the car, one of the frats says that he thought his biceps were going to “pop out” right there. Snap, probably. Crackle, perhaps. But pop? I don’t think he’s got much to worry about. They’re also still worried about the hippies following them, who have just finished the Detour.

As usual, Ray and Yolanda are one task behind, as they begin drilling the holes. Ray is complaining about how he’s from Florida and that he doesn’t do cold weather. He feels like “a fish out of water.” Hearing this simile, the ice fishermen nod sagely in understanding. Ray and Yolanda are falling behind in pushing the shed, and Ray hopes for another Massive Bunching Point at the airport. After the ice fisherman checks Ray and Yolanda’s holes (no, that’s not code), they complete the Detour and head to Kincaid Park.

Kincaid Park? That’s where Eric and Jeremy are! They quickly find their snowshoes and hurry along the trail, so that the Evil Hippies of Non-Elimination don’t see them. They’ve got nothing to worry about. BJ and Tyler show up, but they can’t even see their own noses, so they walk right past the snowshoes. These two couldn’t find the snowshoes with an Alaskan-Snowshoe-Finding-Machine. Finally, one of the workers in lodge tires of the hippies tracking snow into the building, and directs them outside.

As they finally begin their hike, Eric and Jeremy have already found the clue box. Teams must now travel 3,000 miles to where the race began, Denver, Colorado. Then, travel by taxi to the Clear Creek History Park in Golden, Colorado and search the park for the next clue.

You know, it’s nice to see that the world is a large enough place that The Amazing Race doesn’t have to visit cities twice. But we’re talking about Denver, Colorado. It was pretty darn awesome in Episode 1 and it’ll be pretty darn awesome eleven episodes later. I bet you John and Scott are still stuck at the Denver airport.

I’m tired of Denver. I hate it when people do the exact same thing twice. How repetitive. How repetitive.

Because the map is in English, BJ and Tyler are confused by the trail system and have to backtrack. They eventually find the clue box, but Eric and Jeremy have already left in a taxi. Dejected, the hippies leave for the airport. Now that everyone has vacated the premises, Ray and Yolanda make their arrival, as usual, and they easily finish the task.

Eric and Jeremy shows up at the airport first and find some 11 PM tickets to Denver on Frontier Airlines. BJ and Tyler see them getting onto a shuttle to the Domestic Terminal. The frats try to make up a reason why an Alaska-Colorado flight would be international, but the hippies don’t buy it. After booking the tickets, Tyler wonders what a race around the world would be without the frat boys. My answer? Cathartic.

The hippies and frats aren’t done messing with each other yet. Now they’re playing the “Say Your Flight at the Same Time” game. And the hippies are losing. Tyler, vocal as ever, asks if it’s the million dollars that are tearing the two teams apart. Nah, I always thought it were your social, political, and ideological differences. But for now, we’ll just say it’s the moolah.

Ray and Yolanda finally arrive at the airport to get the same tickets. All the teams talk a little smack, and Ray says that he’s betting on Black. And so is 14 other people. Still, all three teams get on the same flight to Denver, thus fulfilling the prophecy of Massive Bunching Point #3. Blech. Think about it. The past 90 minutes are now completely moot and pointless. The past 120 minutes of summary-reading is also moot. Think about all of the productive things you could have done with that time. Like knitting a sweater or reading the dictionary.

Once the plane touches down in Denver, the teams begin Rabid Taxi-Searching Procedure. As usual, Eric and Jeremy leave first, followed by BJ and Tyler, and then Ray and Yolanda, in that order. Sweet. The bunching came and gone and the racers still ended up in the same order. Eric and Jeremy find the park first. Eric was captain of his high school Easter Egg Hunting Squad, so they easily find the hidden clue envelope. Teams must now travel back to the starting point of the race, the Red Rocks Amphitheater. Sigh. How repetitive.

BJ and Tyler find the park as Eric and Jeremy are leaving while screaming about their next clue. BJ and Tyler quickly find a clue envelope and leaves when Ray and Yolanda show up. This whole episode is like an extended relay race. And Ray and Yolanda are always stuck holding the baton.

After ten minutes of hippie-cursing, Eric and Jeremy ultimately reach the amphitheater and they open up the final clue envelope of TAR9. Roadblock!

In this final, million dollar Roadblock, one team member must run into a field of 285 flags and find one flag for each of the nine foreign countries they’ve visited. That’s so wasteful. Then, they must put them in order of visitation. For those of you not keeping score at home, or your name is “Eric” or “Jeremy,” the order is… Brazil, Russia, Germany, Italy, Greece, Oman, Australia, Thailand, and Japan. There is a placard available to the teams with the correct flags on it, but some of them are decoys. The non-Roadblocking teammate may assist in remembering the flag order, but may not physically help. When the order is correct, the team may run along a marked path to the finish line.

Eric volunteers to do the final Roadblock, since he knows what a flag is. He gets the Bookend Countries correct, Brazil and Japan, before BJ and Tyler even show up. BJ, the king of tedious and confusing tasks, opts to perform the Roadblock. Both teams are doing fairly well. Eric and Jeremy have more of the correct flags, but they’re all mixed up and in the wrong order. BJ’s flags are in the right order, but he’s missing Russia. The Cold War’s over, pal. Eventually, Eric has 6 out of 8 flags correct (probably by accident), but has switched around Thailand and Oman. BJ and Tyler have finally located the Russian flag and BJ’s bringing it back. Eric gets rid of one of the right flags, but brings it back after another incorrect guess.

Finally, BJ brings back the Russian flag, sets it in the second slot, and moves all of the other flags to the right. The attendant tells them that they are correct and they happily run to the finish line. Eric and Jeremy realize that they’re doomed now, and that their only chance is to mug the hippies in the parking lot after their Early Show appearance.

All of the eliminated teams are cheering and look ever-so-happy to see BJ and Tyler running to the finish. Even Joseph and Monica, who have finally chosen to drink the Kool-Aid. BJ and Tyler step onto the Giant Red Finish Mat of Glory and Wealth, and Phil declares them the winners of The Amazing Race. The two enjoy a huge platonic hug, and Phil interviews them.

Phil: “So it ultimately came down to a test of intelligence then, huh?”
BJ: “Yep. Even though we followed around Eric and Jeremy the entire leg and were non-eliminated twice… You just can’t lose that kind of challenge to the frats.”
Phil: “Every time you checked into the pitstop, you two would have big smiles on your faces. What gives?”
Tyler: “I credit our smiles to Vaseline and a lot of hallucinogens, Phil. Also, this race has been life-changing for us. We met so many great people around the world who helped us out. We credit our victory to those people. But we’re not splitting our winnings with them.”
Phil: “So, are you going to continue to be hippies, even though you have all this cash?”
Tyler: “Well, if it’s this successful to be hippies, we may as well stay that way. Although now I can finally afford to cut my hair like my dad wanted.”

Six hours later, Eric and Jeremy finish the final Roadblock and run to the finish line. Phil announces that they are Team #2. Neither of them look very happy, which is understandable, since they were so close to that million.

Phil: “You two were one of the most competitive teams ever. But you’re both dumb as posts. Say something uplifting for the camera.”
Eric: “The race was great, but now I’m ready to go back to waiting tables. We’ve traveled the world and we’ll now decide where to go next. If anything, we learned that the world isn’t actually that big of a place.”
Phil: “It’s a small world after all, huh?”
Jeremy: “Yeah.”
Phil: “Is that a ‘Yes’ meaning ‘No,’ or a ‘Yes’ meaning ‘Yes?’”
Jeremy: “That’s a ‘Yes’ meaning ‘Bite Me,’ Phil.”

And finally, Ray and Yolanda reach the finish line and are Team #3.

Phil: “That took you awhile…”
Yolanda: “Well, they still made us arrange those stupid flags.”
Phil: “Ray, is there anything you want to say about Yolanda?”
Ray: “Yolanda is the ultimate competitor. She is the only person in the world I would’ve done the race with.”
Yolanda: “Yeah, I’m pretty great. Even though we fight and Ray tries to turn our relationship issues into something about the race, I still love him and enjoy cuddling.”
Phil: “Any plans for a return trip to Japan?”
Ray: “We’ve never been to Japan, Phil.”

In a confessional, BJ and Tyler remind us that living in the moment is more important than trying to be focused and cerebral. And that they approached each leg with wide-eyed joy for adventure. With that being said, the teams line up for their group photo shoot and clap until their hands bleed. Fade to black.

So, in the end, there was bunching, Yielding, Roadblocking, and Detouring. Some teams were dysfunctional while other teams were just plain slow. As always the token old couple was eliminated, and Joseph and Monica got their comeuppance. Another season has gone by, and another Casino Game was won. Ultimately, it all came down to one final task between two teams, with BJ and Tyler being the victors. Contrary to what BJ and Tyler previously said, they’re not just plain hippies any more; they will be forever known as the Million Dollar Hippies.

Word count: 5,353. My longest, rambling summary yet. I'm so proud.