LAST EDITED ON 02-20-06 AT 10:28 PM (EST)

At first, I was all excited to have a two-hour episode with the individual dates. However, in a move that out performs Donald’s famous long winded “let’s tell about every breath taken” recarp: ABC lands at the top of the hill on pathetic recarp episodes!

I really wish everyone could learn from CBS that recarps work well when the viewers are presented with 30-45 second never before seen clips with the rest of the previously seen stuff. Not only has The Bachelor jumped the shark…hell, the whale is flopping around on the beach like the wounded animal it is.

ABC and The Bachelor decided that they wouldn’t go back to the first episode and update us on the DAWs that Travis didn’t pick. NOOOOOO! It was deemed essential to go back to SEASON FREAKIN ONE and update us on the couples from each season! I kid you not! Even EPMB has enough sense to realize his DAWs 15 minutes are up by the time the next season begins.

While watching the show and thinking about how I wanted to approach the summary; I had decided to skip summarizing the first 45 minutes of updating us on what the past couples are doing now. However, if I did that there would be 5-6 posts complaining that I didn’t include the info. So, I refuse to give a play-by-play but I will give a one-sentence update on the couples that have survived from their season:

Charlie and Sarah (season 7) are living together in LA with no plans of marriage.

Byron and Mary (season 6) are living together and plan on marriage at the end of the year.

Ryan and Trista (season 1) are still married and trying to start a family.

Now that I have had to watch 45 minutes of that junk, can I move on to the current season?

Travis sums up the three women remaining:

Susan: He loves the way she wants to fall in love with him but is a little bothered by her mother and her views of their relationship. Read…run the hell away from this woman before momma digs her fingernails in! This woman (the mother) reminds me of the Vicki Lawrence character “Momma”. At large and in charge!

Sarah (TN): Travis thinks they have a great time together and enjoys the time they spend together. Read…this woman makes a great fag hag but not sure about wife material.

Mooooowanna: Travis says that he things of excitement, no boundaries and chances when he thinks of her. He has no idea why anyone would not like her. Read…this cow has won and the other two are playing for runner-up.

First Date: Venice Italy

Guernseywanna

They meet in a plaza and are attacked by 3,784,963,081 pigeons. The pigeons are aggressive as they attack our very lovely cow lady and I am sitting here waiting for one of them to poop in her hair. That would be the most priceless thing to happen on this season. But, to my disappointment that doesn’t happen.

The healthy couple ventures into a café and Holsteinwanna breaks into Italian as she talks to their waiter. Travis is continually impressed with her and tells her so.

They go on a gondola ride through the canals and get all cuddly. Of course, they kiss as they go under every bridge. I hope they had breath mints because they were all over each other. I haven’t seen that much tongue action since my 3-year-old nephew was eating an ice cream cone last summer.

Later that evening, they go to a romantic dinner where Travis gives a toast that makes me want to hurl. The couple is serenaded as they look off a balcony down to the street. This is a very romantic setting for Travis and 4-hoofed one.

The rest of the evening gets too mushy for my liking. I want to just FF through this whole vomitfest as Travis hands over the invitation to spend the night together. Travis tells tells Moooooooooowanna that he wants to spend more time with her. Read…I really want to try and get into your pants. Travis tells her that he has never cheated on a woman but he does have 2 more exotic dates. Read…I hope to hit those two as well!

Second Date: Vienna Austria

Sarah (TN)

The first thing they do is ride a Ferris wheel that has these huge “cars” where there is a table in the center with two sofas. They discuss how they want to see if there “friendship” could be more.

Now for the good stuff: They have a double massage and then into a floating pool. We get to see Travis shirtless which is worth the price of admission (ifyouknowhatimeanandithinkyoudo)! Boy got a chestessess from hell!

They take a carriage ride through the streets on their way to dinner. Travis continues his voice over of how they aren’t that romantic and are just close friends. Ok, we get it guys! You have beaten this into our brain with the friendship stick. I only have to be told something once…not 32!

At dinner, Travis and Sarah decide that the formal dinner isn’t them and takes the food from the table back to the room where they have decided they will spend the night together.

The two sit on sofa and Travis asks Sarah to tell him why she is right for him because so far they have only developed the best friends type relationship. Ok, WTF am I missing? I may not know much about the heterosexual dating scene but isn’t it important to have a connection (i.e. friendship) with the person you want to spend the rest of your life? Seriously, Travis may be able to $^%& like a rabbit but if there is no other connection do they have anything?

Before all is said and done Sarah is all over Travis like white on rice. That’s right ladies and gentlemen of Nashville…your child’s kindergarten teacher could be a slut! Let’s see…

Sarah tells Travis that she is right for him because she is more settled, secure and knows what she wants out of life. Travis says he is impressed because she made her point without bashing the other two. Oh good grief…if I were in Sarah’s shoes I would have bashed those bitches every chance I got…Mooooooooowannna deserves it.

Third Date: Courcheval, The French Alps

Susan

Travis has decided to take Susan rock climbing. Actually, he was testing her because she said she liked to be adventurous and he wanted to see if she would take him up on it. I guess she wins hands down.

In confessional, Travis is questioning Susan’s motives to be on the show as she has told him that she wants to move to LA and pursue an acting career. Read…Hell yes, she is using this to help her career. She will do anything to gain any type of attention to her “acting” career.

So, Travis asks her upfront about it and Susan denies using this for exposure (yeah right). He tells her to be completely honest with him while on this date and he wants to get to know her.

The two have a romantic setting on a blanket beside a pot of wine. Travis confronts Susan about her insinuating to the other girls this was a competition. Susan is appalled! She can’t believe it but continues to deny this is just for show. How many times does this girl have to be called out and then continue in this GAME? Come on Trav…get rid of the dead weight.

A romantic dinner for two in front of a fireplace brings out smiles as Travis gives Susan a few compliments. There’s small talk all around until Susan drops the “L” word! Susan says that she is falling in love with Travis and then pauses…during said pause Travis swallows so hard that it could be heard at the top of the French Alps. Seriously, dood had a huge frog in his throat as he realized what she had said. He turns pale and just has a grimace on his face as she continues to spew filth from her mouth.

Something tells me that Travis is gonna use Susan like a rag doll and then dump her ass the first chance he gets. Eh…this could be fun.

The two spend time in the hot tub and to be honest I don’t really know what happened because I could take my eyes off Travis’ torso as he sat there with no shirt on The man has a perfectly chiseled body. It is getting hot in here…WHEW!

The dates are over and we are now back at the castle. Chris goes in for a little chat with Travis and shows him a clip from each lady (and I use that word loosely). The time has come for Travis to decide the final two.

The three ladies are waiting as Travis enters the room and begins with:

The first rose goes to Heiferwanna!
The second rose goes to Sarah (TN).

Susan can’t believe that she laid her heart out and gave up the nappy dugout to get the boot! Her attempt at gaining any more pub for her acting career has been cut short. It’s all over but the crying…no wait, she was crying. It’s all over!

Next week we get to see “the women tell all”!

OH.THE.DRAMA!

I finally blogged