Sorry this took so long everybody, but RL intruded a bit. Hope you enjoy!

Last episode on this lame reality show, we were introduced to "The Twist," in which three himbos joined the three original guys so that Melanoma could drool over them. But when Alex went psycho she axed him. Then she axed Jon because he was the ugliest of the bunch. Tonight, in an "Epic Twist" (not to be confused with that first twist, which apparently wasn't epic) we get to see what Melanoma is like when she isn't just ugly on the inside in an episode we like to call

"Rich Man, Poor Man, Himbo, Jerk"

We begin the show by letting the four remaining men (Fatso, Prettyboy, Himbo, and Jerk) move into the house with Melanoma. In the first half of the show, she gets to go on two dates, each time with two guys, and then she will choose one for a little "private time." The first date will feature Fatso and Himbo. Some old lady makes cast masks for the men. Himbo enjoys this because it means Fatso won't get a chance to talk while his mask is drying. This gives Himbo (whose real name is actually "Darrah") a chance in this round since he virtually never talks. Melanoma takes a minute to pull Himbo aside and talk to him to see if there is anything more to him than his body. They have a very in-depth conversation in which Himbo manages to string two sentences together, a new record!

Next Himbo gets his mask done while Melanoma and Fatso go talk. Fatso tells Melanoma that he selfishly wants to go on the solo date and gives her a little kiss. Back the men go to make a mask for Melanoma. They then ask her a series of deep and probing yes/no questions while her mask is drying, learning that Melanoma has never had a one-night stand, never faked an orgasm, and never done a three-way. Bored by this turn of events, Fatso and Himbo both ask to be eliminated.

No, sadly the two saps still want to compete for the solo date so they trek off to a zoo where a guide introduces Melanoma to a bunch of animals, all of whom she is more likely to develop a long-term relationship than these two tools. Fatso asks numerous questions about the mating rituals of birds while Himbo (as usual) says nothing. At this point, Melanoma announces that she finds Fatso funny but wants to spend time with Himbo to get to know him better. Fatso returns all ticked off and comiserates with Prettyboy and Jerk. He is so upset that Melanoma picked Himbo that he is considering whether he wants to still be in the game. Gee, could somebody actually quit at this late juncture? The suspense is killing me!

Himbo thinks its kind of cool to spend some time alone with Melanoma. The two of them go to a private dining room among the leopards. Himbo finally "opens up" to Melanoma by asking her what her idea of a perfect date idea is. I didn't really pay attention to what she said because, frankly, who cares. Himbo then admits that some people think he is dumb because he's a model. But then when they hear him speak, they think he might be a little smarter than they had thought (emphasis on little). At the end of the date, he thanks Melanoma for keeping her and "being fun." Melanoma considers it a perfect date because it was "fun." Clearly, "fun" is a code word in this show for stupid and boring. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but there is.

All right, let's see if we can generate some more sexual tension in the second date. Prettyboy and Jerk get to go sailing with Melanoma. Jerk says he wants to do everything he can to make Melanoma pick him. Prettyboy admits he's competing with Jerk and is pretty stressed about who Melanoma will pick. Melanoma gets a little alone time on the boat with both of them. She tells Prettyboy that he is beautiful and she loved kissing him, but she also admits that she has always liked Jerk. Melanoma then gets some alone time with her "big, strong crush" Jerk. She tells Jerk that she loves how manly he is, but is very torn between him and Prettyboy. Jerk says that he wants to go on the date and won't make it easy for her.

Suddenly it's decision time. Melanoma decides to be "fair" again. Since she's had 2 dates with Jerk and 1 with Prettyboy, she picks Prettyboy. She admits it was her "toughest decision yet." As soon as Jerk leaves, Prettyboy clams up in his best Himbo impression. Melanoma starts to think maybe she made the wrong choice. Jerk is ticked and says…Didn't we just see all of this with Fatso a few minutes ago? It's a repeat of that, go back and read that paragraph if you want to know how he feels.

Meanwhile, Prettyboy and Melanoma have a much more heated date than Himbo did featuring a lot of kissing on the boat. Then they take a 3 hour limo ride back to the hotel where they pop the cork on some champagne and continue to make out for hours on end, so much that they fog the windows. Gee, I wonder if Prettyboy will make it to the next round?

All right enough of this silliness, let's get to the EPIC TWIST. Melanoma has already learned so much about not judging people based on looks. Now we get to look at Melanoma's fears: that the men only like her because she is drop dead gorgeous, not because of the cancer she really is. And now we turn her into "Fat Cousin Melanoma" with an extra 100 lb body suit, new eyes, new hair. She basically looks like Fat Monica. Then they have her walk around downtown Palm Springs and ask for directions. She feels terrible that these men she approaches barely will answer her questions, let alone ask for her number. This makes her very depressed. Isn't it great that this heartwarming show can help Melanoma learn such important life lessons as the fact that "Vanity is awful"? It would be even better if she hadn't already cut all of the truly fat and ugly looking guys from this show weeks ago.

So the guys now have to have an interview with Fat Melanoma and some other girl. I should mention that whoever edited this show decided to give this whole segment a "Mission Impossible" theme complete with spinning graphics, elaborate body doubles, and morphing. I guess there was extra money in the budget this year. But now all that is over and we get down to four nervous men fielding relationship questions from Fat Melanoma tamer than anything you'd see on The Newlywed Game. Shockingly, none of the men admit to having had an affair with a married woman. Melanoma thinks that Fatso did a good job of talking to them and didn't seem uncomfortable, though he confesses off camera that he felt pretty inadequate and unloved (When doesn't he?). Fatso admits that he lied on some of the questions, most notably that he would rather watch the Super Bowl than hang out with Melanoma.

Himbo answers the questions to the best of his ability, though anything that requires him to do more than stand around and look pretty is obviously not his strong suit. In response to the question, "Describe your perfect date," he answers "Ya know, just like really going and having a good time, ya know? And maybe like having a nice dinner and stuff." (Himbo weren't you paying attention on your date–a perfect date is "fun!") Melanoma is very impressed that Himbo didn't seem uncomfortable being around a fat person, but I tend to think that's mostly because Himbo never even noticed that Fat Melanoma was fat.

Prettyboy won't even look at Fat Melanoma because he's so attracted to the friend. Jerk lies through his teeth about the importance of physical appearance. This impresses "Fat Melanoma" so much that she almost starts crying she's so in love. She has to put the pad she's taking notes on in front of her face to compose herself. Clueless Jerk doesn't even notice because he—like Prettyboy—spends most of his time staring at the friend. But the real kicker is that the guys now get to talk in the pool house and Melanoma will learn what they said right before she makes her next elimination! Ooh, how exciting! How come you wouldn't show us Melanoma's real first impressions of all the fat guys she cut, huh, NBC? Wouldn't that have been fun too??

Sorry, sometimes I just can't stop those rants. Anyway, it's elimination night and the guys are all nervously awaiting Melanoma's decision. Prettyboy really, really wants Jerk to leave (Don't we all?) Anyway, Melanoma gets one last chance to meet with the guys before revealing her decision. Himbo thinks there is a chance he could make it to the next round because he had "fun" with Melanoma. In his one-on-one time he apologizes to her by saying there's only so much he can do in the zoo. I don't know, I think if we put a half-naked Himbo on display at the San Diego Zoo he'd be a lot more interesting than he's been on this show.

Jerk tells Melanoma that it bothers him that she said she had a crush on him because a crush only lasts so long and he wants to establish something long-term. Prettyboy's meeting with Melanoma doesn't go well. She asks him how he's "feeling" and then attacks him when he says he "likes her a lot." But he refuses to propose on the spot and Melanoma seems sad. Finally, it's Fatso's turn. He answers the feeling question by saying he "feels he's having the best hair night since he's been there." But on a more serious note, he says that dating Melanoma is like dating for the first time and reminds him of all the good things dating can bring. Melanoma nearly bursts into tears because the line is so cheesy.

Now we get to see what the men really thought of Fat Melanoma. Himbo says he would give Fat Melanoma a lap dance to get to the next round, since it's one of the few things he's good at doing. Prettyboy says nothing at all; I don't think he ever speaks when Melanoma's not around. Fatso is making jokes about the fat cousin, suggesting he should sleep with her to get to the next round. Then he admits he would rather kiss Jerk than Fat Melanoma (way to go Fatso). Jerk calls her the "Designated Ugly Fat Friend" and says he thinks Fat Melanoma, as a woman, wants to sleep with him just like Melanoma does. Despite the fact that Fatso's jokes are as bad as Jerk's, all Melanoma wants to talk about is how hurtful Jerk was to Fat Melanoma on the tape.

So it should be pretty obvious where this is all heading, but that doesn't mean NBC can't draw it out as usual. First, Fat Melanoma enters and reveals that she is really just plain old Melanoma. The guys are stunned. Fatso nearly passes out. Melanoma starts off by kicking out Himbo because she was never attached to him. Himbo has no regrets, he got the media exposure he wanted out of this.

And now for the big "happy moment" of the night---It's time for Jerk to go. Melanoma tells Jerk she hopes he's learned from the experience. She admits that his derogatory comments about Fat Melanoma pushed her over the edge. Prettyboy is thrilled, while Jerk just goes off as soon as he leaves the room. He talks about how "being with a guy" is different for him than "being with a girl," and that he's not happy to have that fact revealed on national television. Sorry Jerk, now all the women of America know what you're like...or at least the 20 or 30 women nationwide who are still bothering to watch this show do.

Anyway, next week in a special two hour episode we find out that Fatso is rich, so Melanoma will be put to the choice asked of all women: Would you rather be thought of as shallow for picking the rich, ugly man or the poor, beautiful one?

• RE: Average Joe Official Episode 5 Summary--"Rich Man, Poor Man, Himbo, Jerk",SilverStar, 01:00 PM, 12-05-03
  • RE: Average Joe Official Episode 5 Summary--"Rich Man, Poor Man, Himbo, Jerk",Stunned, 03:02 PM, 12-05-03
    • RE: Average Joe Official Episode 5 Summary--"Rich Man, Poor Man, Himbo, Jerk",ego, 04:34 PM, 12-05-03
      • RE: Average Joe Official Episode 5 Summary--"Rich Man, Poor Man, Himbo, Jerk",Stunned, 04:44 PM, 12-05-03
    • Welcome to the forums, Stunned,Bebo, 04:38 PM, 12-05-03
      • RE: Welcome to the forums, Stunned,Stunned, 04:45 PM, 12-05-03
        • RE: Welcome to the forums, Stunned,Bebo, 04:53 PM, 12-05-03
    • RE: Average Joe Official Episode 5 Summary--"Rich Man, Poor Man, Himbo, Jerk",archon, 04:54 PM, 12-05-03
      • HERE HERE!,heracane, 09:03 AM, 12-06-03
        • RE: HERE HERE!,JustMe2001M, 03:36 PM, 12-06-03
        • RE: HERE HERE!,jesus, 11:14 AM, 12-08-03
    • RE: Average Joe Official Episode 5 Summary--"Rich Man, Poor Man, Himbo, Jerk",SilverStar, 09:18 PM, 12-05-03
      • RE: Average Joe Official Episode 5 Summary--"Rich Man, Poor Man, Himbo, Jerk",Stunned, 02:57 AM, 12-06-03
• RE: Average Joe Official Episode 5 Summary--"Rich Man, Poor Man, Himbo, Jerk",tig_ger, 04:43 PM, 12-05-03
• RE: Average Joe Official Episode 5 Summary--"Rich Man, Poor Man, Himbo, Jerk",Deonna, 10:12 PM, 12-05-03
• This was great!!,Tiger Lily, 04:27 AM, 12-06-03
• RE: Average Joe Official Episode 5 Summary--"Rich Man, Poor Man, Himbo, Jerk",I_AM_HE, 05:31 PM, 12-06-03
• RE: Average Joe Official Episode 5 Summary--"Rich Man, Poor Man, Himbo, Jerk",sbeck, 11:33 PM, 12-06-03
• Thanks Guys!,GuessItRains, 11:06 AM, 12-08-03
  • RE: Thanks Guys!,escapedude, 02:37 PM, 12-08-03
• RE: Average Joe Official Episode 5 Summary--"Rich Man, Poor Man, Himbo, Jerk",moogie, 06:40 PM, 12-08-03

That was great! Really funny! Some of my favorite lines:

-Now we get to look at Melanoma's fears: that the men only like her because she is drop dead gorgeous, not because of the cancer she really is.
-But he refuses to propose on the spot and Melanoma seems sad.
-Would you rather be thought of as shallow for picking the rich, ugly man or the poor, beautiful one?

I didn't find it funny at all. A little too harsh and self-indulgent...but I guess that's expected on these boards. But hey, whatever turns your crank!

LAST EDITED ON 12-05-03 AT 04:36 PM (EST)

maybe its harsh because the show is so predictable and lame, and deserves to be made fun of in a mean way.

i can see people getting upset because the author refers to 'goldenboy' adam as fatso...

if i were adam, i would have been telling melana all along that he had a bunch of money, and bribed her. jeesh!

(oh and my little nicknames for the boys would have been

"MR. DOH - MR. EYEBROWS - MR.TEETH - MR. MISUNDERSTOOD"

LAST EDITED ON 12-05-03 AT 04:50 PM (EST)

Yeah, maybe because of the 'Fatso' thing. Not that I'm fat, but that's I guess it's just too mean-spirited.

I just wanted to take a moment to welcome you to the forums. Since Average Joe 2 will be starting up in January, I want to heartily encourage you to sign up for a summary once the request for writers is posted. Obviously, you're confident that you could do a better job, and we hearily encourage newer posters to become involved in the forum as summary writers./

We really do have guidelines here. Believe it or not, the Guidelines make things more fun. Really.

Heheh...getting a little hot in here.

I'm just saying that posters get a new appreciation for the time and effort it takes to write a summary once they write their first one. Anyone can summarize what happened, but on these forums folks try to inject humor as well. Sometimes jokes work, sometimes they don't, and sometimes it's a matter of personal preferences.

And if you don't like long summaries, you're not going to want to read the finale one. I've got it on good authority that that summary writer tends to ramble on at times.

We really do have guidelines here. Believe it or not, the Guidelines make things more fun. Really.

>I didn't find it funny at
>all. A little too
>harsh and self-indulgent...but I guess
>that's expected on these boards.
> But hey, whatever turns
>your crank!

Strange, but after reading the summaries on this site for the past few months (and really enjoying them!), I have noticed one thing they all have in common...

they all point out the ABSURDITY of what we are watching!!

People so narcissistic that must be seen on national tv should not be surprised that others will find humor in their activities...

But... Thats just me...

By the way -- "Melanoma" and the "cancer" she truly is -- PRICELESS!

Archon

"You can get more with a 2x4 and a kind word than with just a kind word."

Totally agree.. I find it absurd that i watch this show..it is sooo much a brain drain, i SHOULD be writing or doing something productive with my own life.

(but it is just soooo much fun.)

I like coming to this board and reading what the people have to say, everyone is quite polite and on topic most of the time and I commend the mod's for that.

I don't always agree, but harsh? who cares? Methinks you protesteth to mucheth.. Why get so personally involved with a TV show? Who cares if it is harsh or mean spirited toward a TV show. I am sure the people on the show aren't actually portrayed in a fair light, but who cares? I am not gonna marry one of these people or do I KNOW them personally. One of my friends is trying out for Survivor and I will definately come here and trash him if he makes it, and I told him so.. i wouldnt be trashing my friend.. I would be trashing how he is portrayed on a TV show, which I am sure could never capture the true essence of him.

/end rant

Excellent way to make a point......and I agree!

don't you mean HEAR HEAR

LAST EDITED ON 12-05-03 AT 09:20 PM (EST)

You know what, stunned, that was really rude. Obviously guessitrains spent alot of time writing that summary, and put alot of work into it. If you don't like it FINE, but you don't need to put it down. And if you know that these boards are harsh(on the contestants) and you don't like it, go to another board! I am sure there are alot out there who encourage people to be mean to the posters, but this site is not one of them!! I am fairly new to this site, but I love how nice everyone is to each other and how everyone has such a great sense of humor. Please don't ruin it with nasty posts! Thank you.

Ok, I offer my apologies to you and Guessitrains. Obviously there was a lot of work put into your summary and it was well-written.

I guess I just find the humor here too mean-spirited for my tastes. Rest assured I won't intrude these boards anymore.

On an end note, don't be a critic if you're not prepared to receive criticism yourself. (don't dish it out if you can't take it) If you're going to label people 'fatso', 'jerk', and 'melanoma' then how is me calling it 'harsh' too rude?

I loved your names for each of the remaining Joes and Melanoma. Silverstar got most of my favorite lines, so I will just add one!

Great summary!

Prettyboy says nothing at all; I don't think he ever speaks when Melanoma's not around.

A Kittyloaf Original