Oh, come now, Miss Andy (or I suppose that would be Mrs. or just Ms. Andy), when did marriage ever stop me? I mean, really now, is something so trivial as a wedding ring really important when it comes to you and me having a little fun? A straightjacket built for two..... I'm liking this thought.....

Ahem... well, gosh darn it, Mr. I., you drive a hard bargain – oops, hee hee, just a Freudian slip of the tongue there – uh, er, I mean, well, gee, you know what I mean... don't you?! I can appreciate where you're coming from on the marriage thing. I mean, my husband looks terrible in gaucho pants, and his eyebrows are so much thinner than mine. He's downright dull, and has no scents of stylin'.

The more I think about your little proposition, the more I like it! I wonder if I can get my friends in the back room of the bra store to work on a little design – of my own creation, of course – that might accommodate the two of us. We could even have it made in ooo la la leopard fabric, and it could be the anchor piece of both our wardrobes.

Unless of course you think you'd look better in your Speedos. Oh, and you can skip the formalities when it comes to my name; just call me Princess Paige.

Oh yes, my Princess... now you're going the right direction. Mine, that is. I'll show you a little slip of the tongue, and I don't mean no Freudian slip. I always thought that guy looked funny in a slip, anyway. Not that I'm averse to the thought of wearing your slip or other things, I'll keep a very open mind if you will. Tell me, has your husband ever used his slip-of-the-tongue to lick off that quarter-inch of foundation pancake? Don't knock it if ya haven't tried it.

If you're thinking you want to see my Speedo, wait 'til you get a load of the garb I'm now stylin' on the coastal sands. It was all the latest rage the last time I went down to SoBe to see that psycho-skeleton. She snapped a picture of me when I was trying to get a beer.

See if you can find your way into this thing. I don't think you could retro-fit it to work for the both of us, it barely covers anything as it is now. Of course, that might not really be the point. Speaking of points...................

What's he flossing with??

Well, I hate to tell you this, Mr. I, but I could NEVER, EVER date you after seeing this photo! I am so shocked that you could post this and even think that I would be interested.

The beach, the umbrella, the other girl in the picture – hey, none of those things bother me. Not in the least. But you want to know what really ruins this for me???

I opened your picture in Photoshop and sigh... I can't believe it, but you have... dare I say it?

...tan lines. Maybe they're not that noticeable, but I've seen them, and I'll always know they're there.

Maybe Mo would be interested in a date with you? If you hung out in her refrigerator carton for a while, you wouldn't have to run the risk of sunburn, while trying to even out your tan.

P.S. That said, the G-string is always a total anchor piece for any wardrobe.

>Maybe Mo would be interested in
>a date with you? If
>you hung out in her
>refrigerator carton for a while,
>you wouldn't have to run
>the risk of sunburn, while
>trying to even out your
>tan.
>

Well..........

She is female.......... (she is, isn't she???)

PS: I hope nobody noticed your absence from the set today for Jill's makeover... you and I both know where you REALLY were...

Tues.:

It's a good day I get to drive back to Malibu and get some nice sea air. But it always makes me nervous when Chriestie drives. We cars have a long bad history with Drunks. They tell us stories in the factories about them but you just don't know till you see it on the roads. She's supposed to be going to those meetings, I got the ime to take her. The graduates don't take up too much of my time. I'll even be ok with all her drive thru visits if she goes to the meetings. And maybe she should spend some time around Budda. She maybe needs some lessons on Karma.

Playing on the radio:

Talking Heads
No Compassion

In a world
where people have problems
In this world
where decisions are a way of life
Other people's problems they overwhelm my mind
They say compassion is a virtue, but I don't have the time
So many people...have their problems
I'm not interested...in their problems
I guess I've...experienced some problems
But now I've...made some decisions
Takes a lot of time to push away the nonsense
Take my compassion...Push it as far as it goes
My interest level's dropping, my interest level is dropping
I've heard all I want to, I don't want to hear any more
What are you, in love with your problems?
I think you take it...a little too far
It's...not so cool to have so many problems
But don't expect me to explain your indecisions
Go...talk to your analyst, isn't that what they're paid for
You walk, you talk...You still function like you used to
It's not a question...Of your personality or style
Be a little more selfish, it might do you some good
In a world where people have problems
In this world where decisions are a way of life
Other people's problems, they overwhelm my mind
They say compassion is a virtue, but I don't have the time
(Here we go again)

COUGH!!!!!!!
COUGH!!!!!!!COUGH!!!!!!!COUGH!!!!!!!
Gag-a-little,COUGH!!!!!!!COUGH!!!!!!!COUGH!!!!!!!

Sorry...Been smoking to ol' butts the other ladies leave behind...

Where were all the great cigarette smokers when I was in the house?? I was a social pariah for my habit, and how many times was I nagged about quitting? Now, all these losers (oops- houseguests) smoke!

AND ANOTHER THING!!! I am tired of EVERY-FRICKIN'-BODY saying I smell bad!! You try living in an old fridge box, and look and smell like America's next top model!! Tell Glade to send a little spray my way!!

Ok-- I'm over it... let me think if I've got a joke for youse guys-

Q- How many Kellys does it take to change a light bulb??

A- Shut the %^%$ up!! I can change it with my %$#@^-*&^%^%$# words!! You wanna change? Step up *&^%$#!!! I'll change you, you lousy %$#^&%@#$!^%

Hahahahahahahahaha!!

(Hmmm...maybe she burnt my house down??)

You know what?? KELLY needs a little time in front of the jacuzzi jets!! That'll put a smile on her face!!

You know, those Jacuzzi jets have been a rocket ship to the stars for some of our ladies. Allison swears she went to heaven and came back in that tub...alot. Now, is anyone brave enough to yank Jodi out of there so that someone else can do some self-discovery?

*******************************************

oooh.. uh.. weeelll... you know I love you, honey.... I ... uh....yes... I know... I just think you.... yes, I know... but you have to understand..... not everybody..... oooh, I know.....I'm just saying.... well.... yes, I know.... but, you see.... okay, okay....

Wed:

Jill driving to makeover.

I feel sad to see Jill go. She was a good car user. Yes she left crumbs and all but she was a good rider and she played some fine tones on my radio.

So Jill Here's my shout out to you:

Playing on the radio:
Tracey Chapman
Goodbye

For you
It's all in a day
One day in a life
It's all in the one word
The one word is goodbye

For me
It's all in what you say
Though you've tried to be kind
It's all in the words
From the lips that once touched mine with a sigh
Goodbye

For you
It's all in your face
The laugh and worry lines
It's all in the one word
You hope will make you young again
Goodbye

It's all in the play
Someone speaks the line
It's all in the one word
That stops and steals the time
Goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye

For me
It's all in a day
It's the part in life
When it's all in the words
To fate and circumstance resigned
Goodbye

Kim writing in her journal;
I can't beleive there is nothing in the frig to eat. I'm having a crappy day and now Christie has to start her crap. That b!tch is really pushing all my buttons. B!tch! Why don't you go find a nice big bottle of your favorite stuff to drink and maybe a bottle of vicodin then just have at it. Maybe I'll like you better as an alcoholic, pill poppin b!tch. Ha! Like mother like daughter a Christie. I'll call your damn mother when I'm good and ready. I am so sick of all these b!tches. Don't they know I'm number 1 around here and it's all about me me me. And if Rhonda thinks I'm going to do anymore scrapbooking...well let's just say I will be feeding her a scrapbook. Thank God Jill will finally be graduating it's about time...now maybe there might be something in the house to eat. My worthless husband was no help to me when I called him. I swear I could just divorce him right now. He never supports me, or offers to help me in any way. What am I going to do with that jerk? I sure miss my little Jax. I wish I was with him right now...he loves me unconditionally and knows his mommy is the best mommy in the whole world. ttfn journal

Uhmmmm Jill heehee why wasn't I invited to your graduation!!?? I've been trying to reach Iyanla for weeks but she hasn't returned by calls..has she been out of town? I bet you're glad to get away from that chatterbox Kim..how could you STAND being around her for so long? I heard they gave you TWO makeovers..well aren't you special!? So they finally gave Lisa the boot heehee that's so funny. Have you talked to her yet?..DOH oh that's right you'll never tell I forgot you're still under that contract thingy bobber heehee.

I've been busy trying to find a day job. My Mom's taking advantage of this taking care of Jackson deal..I'm sick of her getting all the credit for my beautiful boy! I still want to move to LA and get the heck away from her. My art classes went well but they were only 2wks long, I made some neato stuff. I wonder what they'll give you for graduation..hmmmmmm? Well say hello to my best friend TJ and I hope you guys have fun.

OH..I was wondering how do you get away with having an internet site? Don't you get all kinds of nasty emails and stuff? I had to shut mine down cuz there were just too many meanies out there.

Well I know that some of you think that I'm in Europe with Mr. I....well he again rejected me and sent me packing to his cousin's house in Alabama. Yes that's right I am now a REDNECK shoveling horse sh!t! I've died my hair blonde... Oh and Andy did send me a new bra since I wasnt able to make the bra burning assignment now keep in mind I am now a REDNECK and no man wants me not even his cousin.

With THAT stuff goin' on, does anybody really blame either my cuz or me????????

Lisa, I don't know how to tell you this but you know the "guy" you think is Mr. I's cousin? Well, it's really Jodi. She made up some excuse about having to go see her father and turns out she's hightailed it to the deep south. That's why this "guy" you're with always wears a baseball cap turned backwards. It does serve nicely as an anchor piece for his dynamic, workaday wardrobe, but it also hides all those fried blonde curls, thus making for a perfect incognito look for Miss Jodi.

Glad you like the new bra. I wasn't going to tell you, but you'll find out anyway: On the day of the bra-burning exercise, off-camera we burned up a big Band-aid in honor of what would have been your bra.

Ta-ta, you old fashion plate, you!

On another thread, someone mentioned that Jessicry is living in the playhouse in the back yard! Why am I trying to live in my old refrigerator box? Youse guys have a playhouse? Come on!!

I have seniority!

I have NEVER bothered anyone by appearing at a graduation, nor do I leave my dirty drawers (speedo, whatever) in the neighbor's shrubbery.

Sheesh!!

Everybody who's a Buddhist throw your hands in the air!
Wave them around like you just don't care
We like to wave them . . .

-Ahem-

Hello my wise students. As you can see Buddha gets a little bored when he's not in many camera shots. Also Buddha may be a little hopped up on some painkillers Christie gave me for my broken pinkie. But, hey, Buddha feels good!!

Buddha also feels better knowing he is not the only one who wears speedos when using the pool . . .however Buddha knows he looks a lot better than Jon-Boy in them . ..what? You want some? Bring it Murray!!! You aint's got nothing on Buddha!!!

Whoops - - -forgot, Buddha is a peaceful man. Goodness! What is in these pills??!!

*neighbor on telephone*

Hello Mr. Murray? It's me again. This is the third message I've left and no one is returning my phone calls. The howling coming from the pool area was awful last night. It's particularly bad when the jets are turned on. I had the ladies over for cards and we couldn't concentrate with all the noise. I thought I saw you over there but it was a little dark so I wasn't sure. Was that you?

There is a new virus in the wild, called Win32\SpitupLisa. This virus is scheduled to launch tomorrow, and on every freakin' day thereafter. While most viruses created within the last year have been designed to install spyware or steal personal information, this one is different. It sits at a computer and spews email after psychotic email containing random thoughts about cruel Life Coaches who mutate into helpful Life Coaches, unsupportive housemates who refuse to stop calling her and asking if she is OK, how much she loves the recipient, how much she hates the recipient, how she has learned life lessons and has changed, and recantations of her life-changes - coupled with shameless begging for "another chance".

If left unaddressed, Win32\SpitupLisa will fill up your email inbox until your mail server refuses any more incoming mail from any source. Mr. Internet's Tech Service has centralized virus protection in place to protect servers, most PCs and laptops, and personal genitalia, but there are still a few vulnerabilities. If your email has not been checked for several days, or if you spend a significant amount of time on the road, you are at an increased risk of being vulnerable to this virus. In order to ensure that you are protected from this virus, please update your Mr. Internet AntiVirus by using this quick procedure.

* Call the phone number that SpitupLisa undoubtedly left laying around next to the computer, her nightstand, or between the mattress and box springs

* Make plans to go have dinner and an evening with the proprietor of Mr. Internet's Tech Service

* Relax your moral convictions Make use of the "virus protection plan" that Mr. Internet will bring specifically for you

Revisiting these procedures regularly will help you avoid infection by the Win32\SpitupLisa virus, or at least will make you not really care one way or the other.

I was just wondering have you seen my pics that Iyanla couldn't make go away. They're still out there heehee. I know Lisatwit was just your b!tch but if you had me..you'd never go back to your wifey poo. You warn of viruses but I tell you I'm virus free! Those lesions on my a$$ finally went away and I now disinfect my pole before I ride it.

I actually surprised myself but I was a little sad to see Jill go. Yes, she can be annoying being all in charge and stuff but we did share the same food issues. Plus I had a deep connection with her because she knows how Kim can be so annoying. Gosh she gets so pushy it really pisses me off!! I cried at her graduation today because she made me so hopeful. I hope they will be able to provide me with a job also. OOH and I can't wait to get my trophy I bet that will sell for alot of Ebay. I could sell it when I need my drug fix.

I have to say thou Jody was going a bit overboard with all that sobbing. Geesh I think she's scared because she was so close to JIll "Her Majesty" and without her its going to be a free for all for the power in the house. We know the only one we won't have much of a problem with is Lisa2. But I have a surprise for all you ladies IT WILL BE ME!!!!!!! You see as I have already said before I am used to being in charge and I will get my way! So back off and don't piss me off!!!!!!!!

Christie said:

>and don't piss me off!!!!!!!!

OH Yeah, Pyst Meehov - he's an old friend of mine from Russia, but I'm afraid you have the spelling wrong. Helluva guy, really likes his vodka.

I really like mine to.!

Ohhhhhhhh, honey darlin', you best believe I saw them pictures of you. I'd recognize that tatt anywhere, no matter what name you decide to use. I can tell you this - you know that one picture of you with that one guy when he was, well, you know, and you were all, well, you know, and it was obvious that he had, well, you know?? Well, I got news for you. Compared to me, that boy was only fit for Michael Jackson. I'm packin' and I know what to do wit it. If you liked Vegas, this blackjack and two die should make you feel right at home.

... ... lesions, schmeesions ... ... when did anything like that stop me, anyway?

LAST EDITED ON 03-05-06 AT 02:43 PM (EST)

(Iyanla enters, sniffing the air...)

I smell....COMPROMISE! Wait, it's not just compromise...it has undertones of EROTIC COMPROMISE!!!

So, who am I smellin'? Hmm. Let me put this together...someone who crumbles in the face of temptation...someone who would be attractive to the opposite sex (well, that narrows it down significantly). Let's see, there's me - I DO have a FIIIIINE package, but I NE-VAH compromise, so it can't be myself I'm smellin'. So that leaves Jessica (young...but too nasal), Christy? (hmmmm...that's possible...BUT I don't smell alcohol...so, it couldn't be her), Rhonda? (OH YEAH...that'll be the day!), Jill (ah...no. She's be GREAT at phone sex...that voice - that magical, golden voice....oh, I looove that woman - but no, what I'm smellin' is kinda funky...note to self: call Jill after hubby goes to bed) Funky....maybe a little sick and feverish...sorta like a disease...a sexually transmitted disease!

OH CHRISTINA, BABY! Whatcha doin', Miss Christina? Or Who-ya doing? You're contagious, baby! Didn't they tell you that at the clinic? Pull up your jeans and come to mama, darlin'. I'll stroke your hair, you can cry in my lap - well maybe I'll just stroke your hair. But we can talk, sweetie. We NEED to talk.

Oh God...I hope we're not liable...

Love, Iyanla
Attorney
Life-Coach
Author
Inspiration to Millions
Yoruban Preistess
VooDoo Practitioner
*******************************************

Oh Iyanla I'm so young *sniff sniff* and I didn't know beter *sniff snort* I wanted to volunteer at Jackson's school for their art program because I was told I would fit right in. I could only go 2 times a week cuz I'm still working the night shift ahem. Things were going so good until the teacher decided to bring in a camera one day and he taped our class on clay.

He knew how much I like cameramen he HAD to of cuz he SOooo took advantage of me *sniff sniff* The next thing I know we were in his art closet and one thing led to another. Ohhhh Iyanla I'm just so young why did this have to happen to me? After he was done he asked me to leave and told me I was a bad influence on the children.

I was so mad that I threw all the clay into one big ball and punched it so hard..over and over..it wasn't much fun this time off camera but I remembered that you told me this would help. When I realized all the kids were looking at me like I was crazy I ran out of there and haven't been back again. *sniff snort* if I do smell..it's HIS fault..why oh why did this have to happen to me!? I'll be okay though cuz of that magic ointment you bought me..good thing you got me a whole case.

LAST EDITED ON 03-05-06 AT 04:37 PM (EST)

It is just my "aloneness" and me. Of course, I am enough, but I get bored with myself. Thanks, Christie, for the new word to add to my vocabulary. I'll put it right here on my list next to "drownding".

Oh, Jonny Mr. Murray, I feel the great need to have a conference about the houseguests. We need to map out what our *ahem* position is on houseguests who do not complete assignments. Or maybe we need to take a new position. Just to make things interesting, let's meet in Lisa's jail cell...that seems like a private place. I'll make sure the housemates are otherwise occupied. I found an interesting expert the other day in the art of "Napkin Folding in 1,001 Different Shapes", and I think that will be a useful and life-affirming skill for the ladies to have when they leave here. Just think of the career opportunities that will open up! The sky is the limit!

So...whadda ya say...8 p.m. in the jail cell?

Be fearless, but be fearful of ME.

You bring the handcuffs, I'll hide the key.

Edited because the subject line cut off the made-up word. Grrr...