Arthur! Arthur!Now this was a dish best served a little late and savored slowly.
Yummm!
I cannot believe you actually made coherent sense of the whole anarchistic string of events. I'm awed and humbled. And it was FUNNY! I think these characters have finally found themselves and their storyline.Hmmm, I just realized that you did not mention Kismet once although she appeared in one of your previews. Now there's a cold way to take revenge--just ignore her! Oh wait, I just realized that Part 2 will take her into account. Don't mind me, I'm a little slow and the mind control has really had quite an effect on me, as is starting to dawn on me.
Question: I started a document, read it, and when I refreshed the page afterwards I found it edited. Where the hell was the edit? Is that a trick so I have to read it all again? OK, no problem.
Loved the California jokes too
HAWHAWHAWHAWHAWHAWHAW! Guess what I'M gonna have in my head when I wake up tomorrow?Couldn't imagine how anyone could create sense out of this patchwork, but you sure did!
But for some reason, I'm suddenly starting to feel rather paranoid--and I know it's not just the weed!
*looks around furtively*
GT
Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength. . .
LAST EDITED ON 07-13-01 AT 10:59 PM (EST)PART II: REVENGE OF THE HOST
From Shakesvivor to BAVivor to Supesvivor to BlowsVivor. How did it all happen? Join us for a look at the backstage drama that makes the show possible!
Day 0
shakes the clown: Hi, I’m shakes the clown. One of the thinks that I dreamed up to differentiate Shakesvivor from its competition in the reality TV marketplace is a chance for you, the viewer, to understand what goes into the making of a reality TV show. I’ve seen it firsthand, because I’m a soon-to-be-famous media whore myself. But for those of you just following along, who lack the charm, charisma or humor to make the big leagues of reality TV, what we’re going to show you today is nothing less than the human drama in all of its many elements … CUT! … Who wrote this crap? Aya, did you do it?
AyaProbe: Well, uhmm, yes, I did, shakes ...
shakes: I should have known it was you, you loser. Get rid of all those five-buck words. Who do you think our audience is? Shakespeare? Damn, I had to carry your fat ass on spoilers all year, and now you want to come in here and ruin Shakesvivor too? Listen, bub, hosts are a dime a dozen. Minstrel would have paid me to host this show. There’s the exclusive contract with Kismet for the news coverage on Eye-In-The-Sky, as well as the reprint rights for my brilliant writing --- this board’s getting too small to hold me. It’s time you faced facts, Aya; without me, it’d be a ghost town around here in the off-season. If I let you and your people run things, whatever you do won’t be as good as ANYTHING I do. I’m not going to let you or anyone else stand in my way, understand?
AyaProbe (head down): Yes, sir.
shakes: Good. Ok, rewrite this and can all the crap this time, then we’ll reshoot in the morning.Day 3
shakes (into phone): Great. When should the ads start? All right, I’ll have my production people start on this right away. OK, bye. (hangs up phone) Hey, (bleep).
<A new person come in to the picture. His face is blurred. The caption below the picture identifies him as “not shakes.”>
not shakes: Yes, master.
shakes: Rush project. I’m going to need you to work all night to develop some ads for the FUFME products.
not shakes: Didn’t the network censors kill the last ads we developed for them?
shakes: Yeah, we’ll need a different director this time. It would have been OK if Conspiracy Jim hadn’t put in all that “who says we went to the moon” stuff.
not shakes: You know I tried to talk him out of using the Neil Armstrong doll in that kind of position ...
shakes: Yep, but that’s all water over the dam now. Let’s make a new commercial.
not shakes: We still need a director.
shakes: How about Lisapooh? I loved her “titty bar” in north Texas. Her characters behave like my kind of women. Get some money and get a boob job, first thing. Just like on Love Cruise.
not shakes: OK, master, I’m on it.Later, Day 3
shakes: How did rhino take it?
AyaProbe: Not very well, I’m afraid.
shakes: What do you mean, “not very well.” Aya, your main job is to deal with these Deb-wannabes and help them to realize that they were booted only because they deserved it. You think I should be nice to these whores? Get your head out of your ass. What, do I have to produce the show AND do your job too?
AyaProbe: Sorry, shakes, I ...
shakes: WHAT did you call me?
AyaProbe: I mean, sorry, master. I won’t let it happen again.
shakes: Aya, it’s not too late to have you replaced. Now, even though you screw up everything else, I have a big job for you. Do you think you can handle being host and producer for a while?
AyaProbe: Really? For how long?
shakes: I’m not sure yet. I need to do some sudden travel, and I’m not sure how long I’ll be gone.
AyaProbe: You can count on me, boss.
shakes: No I can’t … but you’re all I’ve got.Still later, Day 3
shakes (in front of computer, to himself): Ahh, there’s that payment from FUFME, headed straight into the Swiss account. With all the money there, I’ll be able to live for a while without creditors breathing down my neck. This company is flat broke. Hope Aya doesn’t screw things up before I get to Rio. I wish the clown porn would have sold better, then I wouldn’t be in this mess today. But sometimes you have to take the bitter with the sweet, like on Love Cruise. Hey, where’s that audition tape with all the babes from Shakesvivor? I was going to splice some of that into the next clown porn video. Oh well, boys and girls, I know when it’s time to run. Hasta la vista, baby.shakes walks to car, triggering bomb…….. HUGE explosion. Superman catches the skull of shakes on the way down.
Superman (to AyaProbe): You were right, rhino must have been a bad, bad boy when he slipped away before the trip to Monkeyboy Island.
AyaProbe: Yeah, but something about this doesn’t seem right. I’ve seen Body Heat. Shakes was the one who told us that rhino had slipped away. How would he know?
Superman: Well, if this isn’t him, he at least wants us to think he’s dead.
AyaProbe: Or he may really be dead; I’m just not as sure as you are.
Superman: I’ve been waiting for a chance to take over this show.
AyaProbe: I’ve been waiting for a chance to use this glowing green rock that I found. Would you like to see it, up close and personal?
Superman: WHAT?
AyaProbe: You heard me. There’s a reason I’m named after a psycho dictator, and it isn’t because I’m a nice guy!
Superman: But how are you going to save the show? You told me yourself that shakes embezzled all the money.
AyaProbe: We’re going to do it the time-honored American way: find someone else to put up the money, then bleed them dry and get control back when they run out of cash.
Superman: Huh?
AyaProbe: It’s the same way real estate developers and dot-commers make all their money. It can work for us too. But you need to get back on the set, Supe.
<Superman flies off.>
AyaProbe (to skull): So, are you Matty or Mary Ann? shakes or bakes? Oh well, it doesn’t matter right now. You should’ve had that money-laundering program checked after I had IceCat make those “fixes” to it. If you’re Mary Ann, you’ll be back – no lounging on a beach for you after you check the balance in those accounts! Hmmm… So who can I take to the cleaners on short notice?Day 4
AyaProbe: BA, you won’t regret this. This is the opportunity of a lifetime.
BadAs: That’s what they said about the Hokie Haters Handbook. Then Michael Vick showed up.
AyaProbe: You understand the deal. 20% down in cash; the remainder via financing.
BadAs: Cool it, Aya, and make sure I get lots of plugs on the show. When do I get to see the financial records?
AyaProbe: not shakes seems to have taken all the records, even the correspondence with the contestants... All that's left is the film of the first episode.Day 6
AyaProbe (into phone): WHAT? You can’t be serious! OK, OK, sorry. (hangs up phone)
BadAs: What was that about?
AyaProbe: They turned down your credit application. That makes three down. Sorry, BA, I know we’re old friends and all, but I’m afraid you forfeit the down payment, and I’m free to find new financing.
BadAs: You think you’re so clever, with your fancy law degree.
AyaProbe: Don’t forget the fancy contract drafting, too.
BadAs: Oh yeah? Well, since I’ve been running this show, I know everything about every one of you, and now it's time to make that knowledge PAY! I just sent out the first demands in chat. I’ll get my money back, one way or the other.
AyaProbe: How interesting. Oh, Officer Webby?
(Officer Webby and his men come busting through the door and arrest BadAs on charges of extortion and terrorizing a chat room, as AyaProbe unbuttons his shirt so the police can remove the secret microphone..)
BadAs: I’ll get you for this, Aya!
AyaProbe: Yeah, after you get out of jail, and that won’t be for awhile. Bye, BA! See you in the Blow Hole!Officer Webby: Did you get enough to finish the show?
AyaProbe: Not quite. I need one more big score.
Officer Webby: You’re on your own, Aya. This isn’t something I care about. Time for me to look at the live camera feeds from the Big Brother house, to see if Justin gets to knife someone tonight.
AyaProbe: OK, Officer Webby, thanks.
(Officer Webby leaves.)
AyaProbe: Who else would be interested in “investing”? Bill Gates? Naah, those poor people have to put up with enough bugs as it is. Warren Buffett? He’s already a sponsor, with Dunkin’ Donuts. Maybe we can do Mon Cherie’s chocolate fantasy, sponsored by See’s Candy. Cherberrie? mistofleas? How much money is there in potions after all? (hears sound of police helicopter in distance) Of course! Why didn’t I think of her first?Day 7, evening
Kismet: Hello, Aya. I saw that trouble when I was trying to land.
AyaProbe: It was no big deal.
Kismet: No big deal? Someone tries to tie himself to the copter with long hair and a scrunchie?
AyaProbe: That’s not what I brought you here to talk about.
Kismet: I know why I’m here. Yeah, I’m interested in taking over this forum too, just like I took over Off-Topic. But there are some conditions.
AyaProbe: Such as?
Kismet: There are no questions who is in charge. You do the work, but I get the profits. I know what shakes did to prop you up, but now you’d better stand on your own, get it?
AyaProbe: Do I have a choice?
Kismet: That should be, “Do I have a choice, MASTER?”
AyaProbe: Yes, master. Hey, did you read about that performing clown trouble on Cape Cod?
Kismet: My readers don’t care about that kind of stuff. Superhero sex, that’s why I’m interested.
AyaProbe: I just thought it seemed ironic – sounded like a clown showed up in a resort and found out he didn’t have any money, and he had to go back to performing but was really ticked about it.
Kismet: What are you blithering on about now?
AyaProbe: Nothing, master.
Kismet: Good. Get the contracts drawn up, and we can talk.AyaProbe (confessional): Would you let someone else draw up the contracts after seeing what happened to poor BadAs-Big E-Typoman-Superglue? I wouldn’t. You think it would dawn on people that they have to pay retail for lawsuits, while lawyers do them at cost. Buh-wah-hah-hah!
Day 11
AyaProbe: All set for you to sign, master.
Kismet: Good. You keep looking away from me when we’re alone. Do I make you nervous?
AyaProbe: No.
Kismet: I thought it might be my perfect perky breasts or my youth, old-timer.
AyaProbe: No, I’m not focusing on your looks at all, master.
Kismet: That’s good for you. Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful and young. (signs contract) There are many better reasons to hate me, and – now that you’re part of Kismet Eye-In-The-Sky Enterprises – I’m going to make sure that you experience them all, you loser!
AyaProbe: Huh?
Kismet: You heard me. You work for me now, and you do whatever I tell you. If I tell you to change my kids’ diapers, you do it, understand?
AyaProbe: Yes, master.
Kismet: Now get back to work and stop slacking. I’ll bet you even put the recap out late, even though there is NOTHING creative in it at all. If you had any gumption, you wouldn’t have had to turn to me in the first place. Get out of my sight!
AyaProbe: Yes, master. (under breath, while walking away) Your checks better not bounce like your boobs do.Day 23
AyaProbe: And this is the final transfer of the production funds?
EITS lawyer: Yes.
AyaProbe: Great. Where do I sign? (signs)
EITS lawyer: Good luck. You’ll need it.
AyaProbe (under breath): Less than you think, buddy.
(EITS lawyer leaves.)
AyaProbe (dials phone): Hello. Get me Raoul. What do you mean, who is this? This is Hollywood, baby, everybody is somebody. (waits) Hi, Raoul? Aya. How’s it going? Hey, listen, I need one of those suits against a producer, just like the Woodman is doing with Jean Doumanian. Huh? Listen, sleeping with a teenage stepdaughter doesn’t count against you in this town. If it did, baby, you’d be seeing the sun through bars right now, know what I mean? Yeah, I’ll keep quiet, but I need this suit on a rush basis. A couple of days for the briefs, no more. And mum’s the word until we file. I knew I could count on you, Raoul. You’re the greatest. Ciao, baby. (hangs up) God, what I have to put up with just for a few dishonest gains. (dials phone again) Hello, Hal’s Auto Detailing? Yeah, I have a black Mercedes that needs a full washing – some kids smeared poop on it. Do you still have the 24-hour shop by Fletcher Jones in Newport Beach? Great, I’ll be right there. Billing name? Kismet, that’s K-I-S- (fade).AyaProbe (voice over, as scenes from production play): What you see in BlowsVivor is just what you get, give or take a little. Sure, we’ve had to do the occasional dramatic recreation, and maybe manipulate a few challenges, and switch the tribes, and a few other things that (if my lawyers are good enough) you’ll never know about, but that’s just the price you have to pay for putting what passes for reality on TV today. As long as I’m associated with this show, I promise that what passes for BlowsVivor will always be genuine entertainment, with just a little artificial flavoring and coloring thrown in. That was the recap episode, which we named “Midway.” Next week, stay tuned for an all-new BlowsVivor. This has been AyaProbe for SeeBS. (several seconds of silence while credits run, then) Midway – was that somebody’s idea of a joke? This isn’t a circus, and there aren’t going to be any more clowns … at least, I hope not! What’s that, the mike’s live? Oh ... uh, stay tuned for the preview of Episode 8, coming up shortly.... OK, now who left the mike live? Those radioactive piles could come in mighty handy as a burial site!
Edited because, as GT points out below, I forgot how to count.
OMG!!!!!
Part II was even better!!!!!!
Aya, you skewered everyone!!!!
Excellant excellant.EBug- who hopes to never make officer webby mad
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!This was even more diabolical than Part I! I LOVED it!! (and I just knew something was up behind the scenes. . . )
One thing bothers me, however--and that is still grasping the concept of AyaTime. . . At the end of Part I, we're told the next installment will be forthcoming in "the next few miutes," yet I've been sitting here for what--almost TWELVE HOURS!?! I still think someone's trying to emulate The Clown in making us suffer so long. . .
Oh, yeah-- and > stay tuned for the preview of Episode 9, coming up shortly.... I hate to tell you this, but I believe 8 comes after 7.5.2. . . Or am I being too anal?
GT
Just had to add. . .I wonder if you could substantiate my belief that you spent much of the wee hours this morning drooling face-down on your keyboard. . . I just had this strong image of that happening, and the telepathy thing has been working pretty well for me, lately, sooooo. . .
GT
(who thinks it sounds like Aya's plate is awfully full this week)
I refuse to answer on the grounds it may tend to incriminate me ... but I will add that I was finally at home, and there is a nice soft couch just outside the door of my home office...
LAST EDITED ON 07-13-01 AT 12:33 PM (EST)Applause applause applause!!! Can't wait for Part 2, although Part 1 was certainly worth the wait!
EDIT: Hey! I posted my reply at the exact same time you posted Part 2, Aya! JINX - buy me a Coke! (Or a diet Dr. Pepper, to be consistent with my voting thresds!)
Excellent "Peek Between the Sheets" - uuuh, I mean "SCENES", Aya!!! No wonder you were so worried when I stole your credit card - it was maxed!
****************************************
Who'd like to thank The Academy and AyaProbe for my nude scene!
AK, you are amazing!!!
You tied it all together in a neat little package.
And the jokes were great, all of them, though I think my Favorite might be....>Then every so often, skierdude says ‘Bump’ … and everyone bumps."
Really funny.
Thanks AyaEBug
ROFL. My favorite line: "Your checks better not bounce like your boobs do." But, you better watch out. I think you might be in trouble with that one!See's Candy! I love those -- seriously. You must live in CA.
WOO HOO, AK!!!!!!
This was amazing.... every last word of it!!
---------------------------------
"Let's spend the night together,
You'll wake up and live forever."
-Jamiroquai
---------------------------------
Du ar min hjälte, Supermänniska
Very nice AyaK!Wonderful narative that tied it all together!
Great Job!
-ICB
LAST EDITED ON 07-13-01 AT 08:03 PM (EST)LAST EDITED ON 07-13-01 AT 08:01 PM (EST)
LAST EDITED ON 07-13-01 AT 07:42 PM (EST)
"Revenge of the Host"--Woohoo I spoiled the title! And what cold calculating efficient revenge it was too. Brilliant!
Damn, you blow someone to bits and they still aren't dead.
What is this, RoadRunner and Coyote? (Yes, I love the Body Heat twist.)And on top of all the Machiavellian twists: us girls got some eye candy for a change: "AyaProbe unbuttons his shirt"
O, I noticed, I noticed, who's a DAW of all DAWs?Your reference to carnival midways at the end sent me off to listen to a favorite old song, and I think I got some clues and confirmation from it as to Shakes' activities. Here are some of the pertinent lyrics..(with only slight tweaking of the words).
"I met him on the Midway
with his show incomplete...
And he stood out just like rubies
On a Kansas girl's feetHe was playing on the whorses,
he was playing with pulling strings
He was playing like some devil wearing wings
Wearing wi(n)gs He looked so grand wearing wi(n)gs
Did he tape all those auditions for Ka-ching?Did he fly I heard he did! Did he fly?
Like a rhino was doin' some hunting from the skyI followed with the sideshows
Down in L.A. town
And I found him in a trailer
On the Shakesvivor groundsHe was betting on some Love Cruise
He was Shaking up the dice
And I thought I saw him cheating
Once or twice...
Was he wondering was the gamble worth the price?Pack it in, I heard he did, pack it in
Was it hard to fold a hand he knew could win?Lately he's been hiding
It was somewhere in the news
And I'm still on BlowsVivor
With my contract and my bluesA voice calls out the numbers
And it sometime mentions mine (#9, #9)
And I feel like I've been working overtime.
Overtime, I'm getting tired, overtime,
Always playing one more challenge
for more face timeSlowing down I'm gettin tired slowing down
And I envy him his hideout that he's found
Cause I'm midway down the midway, coming down..."
Now let's see, just for the hell of it, if anyone can ID this song and writer faster than AyaK.
Edited to add a verse I left out and a stupid typo
LAST EDITED ON 07-13-01 AT 07:52 PM (EST)I was always a huge fan of this singer/songwriter. This is a great song, and these are great lyrics for the show! But I won't answer the question yet, just to see if anyone else has his or her head in the clouds....
Edited because Surv gave me an idea...
LAST EDITED ON 07-13-01 AT 08:06 PM (EST)LAST EDITED ON 07-13-01 AT 07:53 PM (EST)
Posted an edit to add to last verse just as you posted...
thank you I was amazed at how well they leant themselves,
although the Fine Young Cannibals with their scorch and flame was a masterstroke of matching theme music to the subject...Edited to add, jeez, I did it the hard way, by listening to the tape and writing down the words, and you just wave your browser and up pop the lyrics? I clearly need to know this trick.
LAST EDITED ON 07-13-01 AT 08:15 PM (EST)Most songs have lyrics on the Web, especially by well-known songwriters. I wanted to have them available, in case anyone was curious, but I accidentally uploaded too soon...
Edited to add that the lyrics on the Web aren't always right, although I believe they are for this song. But, for example, the lyrics to "The Flame" on the Web start with this line: "I'll never be far from home" ... which is not only wrong, but contrary in meaning to the real first line, "I remember being far from home"!
Joni Mitchell--That Song About the Midway
GT
You've got it, GT. OFG's post about the lyrics (following mine) came about because I went to hide the lyrics in my post above, using an HTML tag (as Surv did for his E6 spoiler) ... unfortunately, I uploaded the edit without having properly tagged it. But they are there and hidden nicely now.
It all makes such perfect sense, now...such... perfect... sense...
Of your own stupidity. I knew all along about the 'faulty contract' that you and Misto worked up. One small question sleepy one.. Did you look closely at my EITS lawyer or did you avert your gaze from him as well? You signed so giddily from what I heard. Maybe if I had let you get some sleep, or maybe if you weren't so preoccupied with that car of yours you would have at least noticed the lingering smell of greasepaint when my lawyer left your office.It was the final transfer of funds, but umm well... read the fine print.
Kismet-
In Non evil ##### mode-- I loved the whole thing AK! I laughed aloud several times. You are very good at creative writing. Now I am sad that you were put in moderator mode for the SSC as I would have loved to see what you would have written.
LAST EDITED ON 07-13-01 AT 09:42 PM (EST)Well, first, I should know all about this lawsuit -- look at what she was nicknamed when she was producing Saturday Night Live.
BTW, she was fired in the middle of the season, after one of her cast members, Charles Rocket, screamed the "f"-word on live network TV when the last skit on the show got messed up. Rocket was fired at once, but Doumanian was fired before the week was over. When Dick Ebersol took over the show in her place, he replaced virtually the whole cast, but he kept two of her discoveries, Joe Piscopo ... and Eddie Murphy.
LAST EDITED ON 07-13-01 AT 10:02 PM (EST)I'm wondering at your confidence about the contract/lawsuit.
Recalling (in paraphrase) Shakes' own evaluation of his lawyer abilities in a not-so-long-ago post:
"I suck at that. I thought I made that abundantly clear!"Not to mention the conflict of interest...
I'd recheck that fine print if I were you...and your credit card balances.Edited to add excitedly: think I'm one DAW away from the end of this Beef Jerky gig!
LMAO! Kis was in the bar tonight bragging on her choice of lawyer!!! Guess she never sat through his tales of flunking out of half a dozen schools before finally buckling down enough to squeak by. . .But I do get the sense she's bracing herself for a fall (extremely paranoid, that girl!), so perhaps we'll soon see how adept she is at regaining her composure, should the Evil Overlord gig fall through. . .
GT
That was awesome Ayak!Can't wait for Ep 8
while she wants to be the Queen
and she thinks about her scene
pulls her hair back and she screams
I don't really want to be the Queen!
~Meet Virgina~
AK, I love the recap (both parts) -- even though it was (to be polite) loooooooong. First time BV's made sense since Episode #3. I finally have some clues as to what's coming next, I hope!
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