I wish that was a joke. I want to yell 'November Fools!' and watch everyone collapse with relief. But I can't. It's true. It's real. It just finished filming. It's going to air in January as a two-hour special that could turn into a regular series if the ratings are high enough. And it's called -- wait for it -- 'Ivana Young Man'.

Basically, it's a July/April dating show: the contestant is female, 40, successful, divorced, and completely lacks the common sense necessary to stay off FOX. The contenders range from 22 to 32, professions vary, attractiveness fairly high, and also completely lack the common sense necessary to stay off FOX. Ivana picked the bachelors herself (six total) and referees. According to executive producer Scott Stone, 'The reason we went to Ivana for this show is she is the prototype for this type of relationship'. Plus it would make Donald bite through his tie, which is always a plus in the eyes of the other networks.

I will not be summarizing this. You can't make me. There is no other show you can offer as a bribe.

Fifty million dollars, however, stands a chance.