Okay. We're past the halfway point. We have to be past the halfway point. No VH1 series in network history has ever gone beyond ten episodes. Given that, it's all downhill from here -- except for the series, which reached the bottom of the slope in the first episode, dropped into the sewers, and then started tunneling. Could VH1's standards get any lower? 'Let's give the housemates a chance to further hurt the lives of battered women and their children! Let's make Janice bowl against people both smarter and more socially adept than she is! Let's take three fairly normal people and force them to spend a week in the presence of a diva, a pervert, a druggie, a Dark Wizard, and a three-legged dog! In fact, let's make sure the three-legged dog is the most lovable one in the place!' Look, people: we're through the bedrock and approaching the lava flow. There just aren't many places left to tunnel to. The A.S. signs we've been following for the first half of the season have been replaced by F.O.X. which, while the only way we could possibly go lower, means the noxious fumes ahead could kill us all. (Excepting Janice, who no longer has working lungs.) In fact, the only way we could keep dropping from here would be to bring in -- well -- actual celebrities. People who've done worse things than our wanna-bes could ever dream of. Those who get on the cover of The National Enquirer by calling up and asking why it's been a whole two weeks since their next-to-last scandal was trotted out for everyone standing in the express line to see, although buying it is still out of the question. In order for things to get worse, we need the true, world-class, People-cover DAWs. The ones who think they're too good for this show. And they're wrong. They're perfectly suited for this show. They just have too much money for that forty cents an hour to sound appealing. And that means we're safe, for a given value of 'safe' that translates to 'I'm not sure it's possible to feel any more pain'.

So: last week on What do you mean, 'foreshadowing'?, we had a double-focus episode, with the camera directed towards Carey and Caprice. This meant there were five whole seconds when it wasn't all about Janice, which made her about as happy as you would expect, which led to still another fake-quit, which at least kept the streak going. Carey's segment featured his showing off a full set of motocross skills, which allowed his housemates to show off a few of their own attributes, including Caprice's ability to learn quickly, Voldemort's ability to learn nothing, and Jose's ongoing love affair with the ground, which he spent most of the segment kissing. Caprice suffered a small injury, which was mostly painless, just a little bit bloody, and fifteen hundred times the size it had to be to end her modeling career once and for all. This led to her to starting another line of work in the second half of the episode, introducing the Lifers to her lingerie line by using some of them as models, which meant that segment was just an excuse to get Jose into lingerie. Again. Some guests were invited to the lingerie/slumber party, but don't worry about it because with the exception of Jose's dog Zeus, we saw practically nothing of them, will never see them again, and frankly, they ought to be grateful. Oh, and in case you were curious, Lucky's gay. This came as a major surprise to everyone except Zeus. (Amazingly, the Family Research Council already had a form letter ready to go for just such an emergency. (What were the odds?) It requests that Lucky be put to sleep immediately and that all true Americans hurry up on passing their suggested legislation that will let them do the same thing to non-canines. Because God wants you to. And God is Dr. James Dobson. Or James Dobson thinks he's God. One of those.)

Are there any reality shows left for the Lifers to rip off? Does anybody know what happened to the hay bales from the first episode? What will Janice do when the price of powdered face reaches a record high of $2.98.9 a gallon? How can the fake-quit streak be continued this week? And is there any truth to the rumor that the Surreal Estate will be used as the Big Brother sequester house?

Kind of makes you hope they're all still there when Jennifer shows up, doesn't it? Roll opening credits.

It's really, really early on Day #6 in the Estate -- what Carey confessional-tell calls 'the All-Star Survivor-crack of dawn' -- and the Lifers have been up for a while. Unfortunately, 'a while' means 'from midnight to about three-thirty in the morning', which was around the time the slumber party finally broke up and all the guests snuck out, hoping against hope that none of their footage would ever make it to the air. Everyone's had about two hours of sleep. This includes Lucky, who's looking distinctly drained from a full night outside the closet. (He has every intention of calling Zeus, but he'll have to get the phone away from Janice first.) No one's feeling very well. The word 'hangover' is never actually said, but you can feel it hovering in the air. Turn the TV up to top volume and watch them writhe in their beds...

'Wake up,' an early-rising Jose moans, eager to share his misery. 'Everybody up...' Bronson and Caprice immediately begin plotting ways to kill him, most of which involve panties three sizes too small. However, while killing Jose in his sleep, while he's awake, or just plain Death By Lingerie is appealing, it pales in the face of More Sleep. Caprice, who'd been about halfway to vertical, collapses back into her bunk for whatever seconds she can scrounge, and normally that's Janice's job. Caprice looks about five hundred percent better waking up in the morning with no makeup than Janice does after her daily four-hour maintenance session and live human sacrifice. Wonder why?

But there's no rest for the tortured, so I don't get to spend half an hour watching the Lifers swearing that no matter how good the party dates feel, they're breaking up with Jack Daniels as soon as they can move again. Instead, the latest copy of The Surreal Times bounces off the front door, and Carey staggers outside to get it. The house meeting is held in the everyone-but-Janice bedroom a few minutes later, with Janice let in just for the occasion. Since there's been no time to get the altar prepared, she shows up wearing a pair of sunglasses with lenses large enough to cover most of her face. Unfortunately, that's 'most'.

With half the Lifers still in bed and Caprice fallen on top of Bronson -- tried to reach the bathroom before Janice could get up and didn't quite make it -- Carey reads the news. Today, the housemates will be heading to Las Vegas, and they'll be there for a while: it's an overnight trip, so make sure Lucky's food and water dishes are full, then decide which piece of furniture you want to kiss goodbye. (Vegas is actually Carey's hometown, which sort of explains how he came to motocross in the first place because if you're not interested in gambling or sex or cleaning up dead bodies, there's just nothing to do.) And they're leaving in thirty minutes, which means Janice can have her daily session on the way, and gas masks will be provided for those who still need oxygen to live.

A grumbling, weary cast packs up whatever they think they'll need for the trip -- headshot photos, fake VIP backstage passes, Phil Gordon's phone number -- and heads out to their vehicle of the day: a full-sized tour bus that reminds Sandi of her Salt n' Pepa days. There's a bathroom, couches, mini-kitchen, and the fridge has been fully stocked with bananas, which means we're going to see very little of the trip itself. Once was enough.

Still, it's a long ride to Las Vegas -- 270 miles from Los Angeles -- and the trip has to be filled with something other than fruit consumption classes. And what's better for passing the time than a little bit of magic? That's right: it's Voldy's turn to entertain, and today's class in Defense Against The Light Arts will be an extended session in how to cast Crucio. Now as we all know, Voldemort's wand was confiscated before she came on the show, and Janice has most of the potion ingredients. Given that, you may be wondering how it's possible for Voldy to demonstrate the spell, given that she has nothing to channel the magic through. The answer is simple: Crucio is a verbal spell. And while Voldemort doesn't have the tools necessary to work it in a single word, she still has a very reliable back-up: her mouth. Sometimes, all you need to do for a verbal spell is talk enough. And talk. And talk. And talk. And -- does it hurt yet? -- talk...

She starts by complaining about how she'll never be able to go to the supermarket again without being recognized, which comes as something of a shock because you'd think the Ministry of Magic had blocked those posters from being displayed in the Muggle community. She talks about how she just finished shooting her True Hollywood Story, which is a major accomplishment because most people have to have four-decade careers in Hollywood before they get one. Or sleep with someone famous. Or kill someone. Or kill someone famous in their sleep. Or if all else fails, there's always having one song on the Billboard charts followed by doing a lot of drugs. But she got one just for being a diva, and doesn't that mean she's something special? Oh, and did she mention that she's been signed on by a company that does ringtones, animation voices, and other assorted bits of sound work that mean no one actually has to look at her face? That's going to be really handy when people start dropping dead from satellite-transmitted Avada Kedavra spells and the Aurors start searching for witnesses. Plus seven different network heads have come up to her with projects for her to work on, and even if most of those were killing the other six network heads who weren't talking to her just then, at least it gets her wand in the door. And did you know she's been training contestants in the Miss Universe pageants, which means that we're just a few months away from turning the Death Eaters into a worldwide operation? That'll really help when she takes this class and starts teaching it at five different universities...

...breathe! Come on, breathe! I should have known this would happen if I put it in word for word -- okay, it's five sternum compressions, then five exhalations into the lungs, tilt the head back and make sure the tongue isn't in the trachea... one-one-thousand, two-one-thousand, three-one-thousand...

Whew.

Easy. No, don't try to sit up. Just lie there for a while. Geez, I'm sorry. I really didn't think I'd be able to transmit the effect just by repeating the extended casting... Better? Ready to keep going?

No? Well, as long as you're lying there and can't move, I'll keep working on the summary anyway. I'm immune and you're easy to resuscitate. Onwards.

Anyway, if it had that effect on you, imagine what it's doing to the Lifers. Janice just barely manages to keep herself from strangling Voldy, which still isn't enough to make me root for Janice in any way, shape, or form, although I did have a moment where I was hoping they'd vanish in a huge explosion the instant they made skin contact, even if it meant working with Janice for six hours to find actual organic skin. Sandi starts to get frustrated for the first time in the series, c-t noting that Voldemort can talk about Voldemort for hours on end, and it goes on even when she's not trying to substitute-spellcast. The other housemates mostly just sit frozen in place for the entire ride of Las Vegas. But sometimes, they scream.

The class is a success, though. By the end of it, every person on the bus knows exactly how to cast an extended Crucio: all they have to do is repeat Voldy's words from the bus ride. All four hours worth of them. Of course, they can't do it without hurting themselves, but what's a spell worth if it doesn't give something back to the community?

Voldemort's teaching session ends as the bus crosses the city line into Las Vegas -- the American Department Of Magic discourages spellwork in the city itself, as wizards gambling on Muggle machines equals security problem -- but the bus doesn't seem to be stopping. Jose asks if anyone knows where the Lifers are staying -- no one does -- and Bronson worriedly notices the hotels around them are getting smaller and smaller. They're not heading for the Strip itself. They're heading for something in the actual living section of the city, and few DAWs have ever realized such a place exists and lived. The people out there might be -- normal. There's a chance they've never appeared on a reality show in their lives. The horror, the horror...

'Oh, no...' Jose groans -- but he's not thinking about dealing with non-DAWs. The bus has just pulled into the parking lot next to a softball field, and that means it's going to be his day. Anyone who's seen Jose play would have the same reaction, especially if he was on their team at the time. Jose c-t thinks he's good to go and can handle the skills involved with no more than a quick refresher course/booster shot, but he's not sure about the athletic abilities of his team. Carey's an athlete, but he doesn't handle this kind of equipment and his coordination is on another level entirely. Caprice can walk in a straight line, turn, and do it again. Bronson's good at tripping over things, sometimes even on purpose. Voldemort can talk endlessly, so at least she's got endurance. Sandi may be able to stuff an entire ball in her mouth. And Lucky, their best running hope, was left at home. Problem.

'Does this mean we're going to have to play another team?' Bronson asks, which isn't as stupid a question as it sounds like because it's actually twice as stupid as it sounds and there's no way to get that level of dumb into his voice when you consider the kind of things it usually says. They are, but the other team isn't there just yet.

The Lifers get off the bus and head out to meet Daryl Miller, who's going to be running the day's activities. The game will be regulation softball, five innings, all standard rules apply. (Since the Lifers are seven and softball is ten, three locals who are never named -- imagine getting a chance to be a DAW for a day and they don't even put you in the credits -- or maybe that was the mercy rule again -- will fill in the holes in their team, although Janice is left unsealed.) There's even some fans on hand to boo as necessary, and really, can you imagine if anyone was willing to spoil this show? The winners of the game will receive $5,000 in casino chips for the Sands Casino Hotel, which you may know from many seasons of Celebrity Poker Showdown, or one season of The Real World, or that sudden appearance by the owners on Beg, Borrow, or Deal, which means this is DAWs hosting DAWs and we can probably expect some Special Guest Stars somewhere down the line. (The chips may be played. Anything you win with them turns into more chips which can be cashed in at the end of the night for the oxygen of your choice. There's no money involved here. They learned their CPS lesson well. But at least the Lifers can have a little fun before they go fake-broke and start spending real money to make up the difference.) The winning team also gets to stay at the Sands for the night and enjoy the facilities, for that value of 'enjoy' that includes 'and you're paying for it yourself', although each player does get a free massage. The losing team gets a twelve-pack of Schlitz, the beer that made the emergency room famous, plus seven rolls of nickels and a bucket to keep them in. And given that fourteen dollars is equal to nearly two days pay for any housemate, you'd think they'd be playing to lose. But that would require intelligent thought, which leaves out most of the group, or remedial math skills, which double-eliminates Voldemort. But there is a set of coupons for the $3.99 all-you-can-eat buffet, and it's been just so long since they've enjoyed the taste of uncooked ramen...

Now, besides the other team, what are we waiting on? That's right. We're waiting for Janice to fake-quit. It's a physical activity. It's running around in the hot sun. It's swinging something that isn't a date-acquiring club. Any second now, and she'll be ready to go --

-- out on the field.

Janice does not fake quit. Janice c-ts that she's so enthusiastic about this, it's pathetic. Janice wants to play the game. It's a chance to watch Jose perform. It's also a chance to walk out to the field with her arm wrapped around him, ask Daryl if he's single, and then demand a cup. (There was one extra. Jose doesn't need one any more.) Voldemort c-t claims Janice is just trying to be the center of attention again, but it's starting to feel like The World's First, Last, And Only Means Of Mass Suicide is actually a bit of a baseball fan, and getting to play with a former professional is something she's looking forward to enough to do. No fake-quits on this challenge!

...you try being exposed to four hours of Voldemort talking about herself and see how much of your original personalty is left.

Uniforms are provided, decently done in dark blue-black and white. Janice gets to use her secondary job skill and gets changed in about thirteen seconds. Jose switches into his uniform top in the open, which gives the women a chance to do their best wolf-whistles (which makes him reprise his blushing locker room coverup from the previous episode) and sends Voldy into a full-fledged hormone flood during c-t. 'What steroids can do to a body,' she c-t declares while mainstream admiring Jose's torso. 'That man is hot!' Voldy, if you really want to see what steroids can do to a body, look lower. No, lower. Back up a little. Center. No, stop. See? You were looking right at it and you never saw a thing. That's what steroids can do to a body. Now, moving on to the contents of the skull... wow! Look! It's actually in use! Jose, as team captain, has to access the skills of his players and decide which positions they'll be playing, and no, that doesn't mean Caprice gets the horizontal and Janice gets to play Six Feet Under Field. He's got to make out a standard lineup card, and that means watching the other Lifers practice their skills. To what should have been set to the Blooper Ballet from Damn Yankees, we find out exactly where the housemates rate as a team: fifty steps below the Mets Single-A franchise and two steps above the Kansas City Royals.

'We are in deep, deep, deep (censored),' Jose notes. And his emergency bag only has enough refresher courses for two people.

Janice: 'Who do you think we're playing?'
Jose: 'We're in trouble. It doesn't matter who we're playing. We could be playing some armless people and we'd be in trouble.'

Jose, Armless Association Of America, Line Two -- oh, wait. That was a compliment. Nevermind.

Voldemort believes the other team will be composed of twelve year-olds who will wind up completely kicking the Lifers' collective rear, and Caprice agrees: she's also enthused about playing with Jose and that's not code for anything, but she's fully expecting to lose and that is. But twelve year-olds generally don't arrive in a yellow super-stretch Hummer limo, and that's what the other team's just pulled up to the ballfield in. No one's visible just yet -- blacked-out windows are mandatory for anything that gaudy -- but there's clearly someone important inside, or at least someone making more than forty cents an hour.

The ballpark announcer tells the fans that this is the home team arriving, and would they please welcome the special A-list celebrity umpire -- Stevie Wonder!

Stevie gets out of the car and promptly walks into a fence. The limo's driver, looking a little embarrassed, guides him onto the field.

The Lifers just stare.

'That's crazy!', Voldy exclaims. She's right. A-listers? In their presence? It doesn't get more insane.

'They can't -- what?' Sandi protests. She's right. They can't. Not without destroying their careers.

Luckily, that's when Bronson demonstrates his reading skills: there's a banner above the gate, and he realizes it's the name of the home team. 'Dead Ringers!' The other team is composed of celebrity impersonators, which is still sort of ironic because that's a level the Lifers have to aspire to. (To make things easier, the impersonators are referred to by the names of those they're impersonating. This is not to imply the actual celebrities were there. Really. Honest. Would I lie to you?) So they're up against the following people, all wearing what passes for their 'everyday clothes' instead of uniforms: Tina Turner, Dolly Parton, Janet Jackson, Madonna -- Jose awkwardly waves and asks if she remembers him -- Elvis Presley, Elton John, and Michael Jackson, who comes with a bodyguard to stand next to him in the outfield with an umbrella, shielding him from the sun.

'It was surreal,' Janice c-t declares. She still hasn't caught on.

But what would the opposition be without a captain? Let's all welcome the leader of the Dead Ringers -- Mr. Jose Canceso!

Jose trots in from the outfield. While standing with the Lifers. At the same time.

Nice trick if you can pull it off.

The Lifers are shocked. This isn't an impersonator: this is a duplicate. There are two Jose Cancesos on the field: one in a Lifer uniform, one wearing the colors of the Oakland A's. Same face. Same hair. Same steroid-pumped build. Same everything. Human cloning is now possible and they started with a DAW because if something went wrong, no one would be missed.

Jose's a little c-t confused. 'How did they get a guy who looks so much like me?' Well, here's a hint, He Who Couldn't Accurately Remember His Own Life With The Help Of Sixteen Ghost Writers. This may have escaped your both your notice and your chemical-riddled brain, but you happen to have a twin brother. His name's Ozzie. You played with him for a little while on the Newark Bears. He has your face because he has your genetic code and he has your build because he has the spare key to your super-special formerly-secret workout supplement cabinet. This is him. Let's see how long it takes you to figure that out. It'll probably be more than seven seconds.

'Come here, Jose!' Voldemort calls out to Ozzie. 'I want you to do to me what you did to me last night!' (And for the record, that would be 'fall asleep on the couch'.) After all, as Voldy c-ts, Ozzie has a face like Jose, a well-shaped rear like Jose, and he's going to completely ignore her existence as a sexual being like Jose...

Bronson's musing c-t is almost philosophical. 'How did I get on a deserted baseball field somewhere in Nevada with people in bad makeup?' You let yourself get on a bus with Janice, that's how.

Jose and Ozzie shake hands over the plate, and Jose still hasn't figured it out. 'Turn around, mizzy! Damn! You look like me! Turn around!' After all, when was the last time Jose got that kind of look at his own well-shaped rear?

Daryl goes over what they're playing for, and then Janice yells 'Let's play baseball!' The graphics editors, never ones to miss a cue, immediately put up the sign 'Surreal Life Celebrity Softball Challenge!'

Caprice leads off by walking up to the plate and asking where she's supposed to stand. A little further back. Keep going -- keep going -- step up and backwards -- there. That's the bus. Stay there. On the other hand, this is Miss Motocross 2005, so maybe if we just tell her the bat is a gear shift...

'Oh my God,' Jose moans. It could be worse, Jose. At least she's holding the bat by the proper end. Janice would have said something if she wasn't, because Janice knows all about proper bat handling. Just ask Warren Beatty.

Tina Turner is pitching. As promised, Stevie Wonder is the home plate umpire, and that means exactly what you think it means: no matter where the pitch is, he's going to call it a strike. You're blind, ump, you're blind, ump, ya must be out of your mind, ump! Caprice complains, but when a D-lister talks to an A-lister, buzzing flies are just about all that registers on the higher letter. There's no fairness in this strike zone. There's also no getting thrown out of the game for arguing balls and strikes, so we're going to be dealing with Janice for all five innings, even after her attempt to pull out a classic 'Hey, ump! You suck!' Yes, he does. And he's blind, too. Wanna make a comment about that and add to your defamation roster? Oh, wait – I already did. I've been in this series too long...

The strategy for an umpire with a strike zone best defined as 'Cleveland' is to go up swinging at everything because either you'll strike out honestly or make contact, so the Lifers start taking their hacks. Caprice manages to leg out a single, Sandi loses her batting helmet running down the baseline, and the distraction lets Caprice score. Carey gets to go for extra bases. Janice finds swinging a bat is close enough to using a club for romantic work, so drives Carey in while giving the opposing bench a model-like display of her middle finger. Jose fists one into shallow left, where Michael Jackson tries to pick it up as it rolls -- and fumbles it. It goes behind him, with his bodyguard doing more to give chase than he does. Any resemblance to MJ's own romantic work is purely coincidental. It would sort of have to be.

'Playing softball with Michael Jackson was so surreal,' Jose dazedly c-ts. 'At one point, I was like, 'am I crazy doing this?'' Yes, but not as crazy as MJ, because he reacts to Jose taking the extra base on his error by trying to shove Jose off the bag. Jose comments that this is obviously the body-building Michael Jackson, although he's careful not to say whose bodies. Hmmm. Do any known side effects of steroids include skin discoloration, nose shrinkage, and a high voice?

Finally, Voldemort flies out to Elton John -- who, as Bronson c-t notes, is channeling his inner trollishness very well -- but not before the Lifers score five runs in their half of the first inning. It's time for the Dead Ringers, with Jose to pitching to Elvis, who's batting leadoff just so he can show off the hip movement in an appropriate setting. He connects, and the play has to be made at second base -- but Caprice misses the tag, and Elvis decides to test her arm by trying for third. Mistake: Carey's at third, and he's not afraid of large, rapidly-moving objects impacting him, or he would have retired a long time ago. However, he does have one of the worst qualities for a ballplayer: he's injury-prone. Elvis goes heels-over-head into first, smacking Carey's forehead with a blue suede shoe on the way. Elvis is still out, but not before delivering a hunka-hunka burning bruise.

Ozzie keeps Janice busy by hitting one to deep center, going over her head and rolling back to the fence, where she slow-motion quasi-runs to retrieve it. Carey c-t notes that Janice was pretty much chasing the fake Jose's balls all day, as opposed to chasing the real one's -- I'm about to get severely censored, right? Moving on... Anyway, Janice is going after anything hit in her direction, but with a speed that makes anything not heading directly for her glove into an automatic double. This isn't the best way to keep runs off the board, and the Dead Ringers start digging their way out of the hole.

'A lot was expected of her,' Carey c-ts, getting ready for an immensely overfair statement -- here it comes -- 'and she pulled her weight.' Meanwhile, back in mainstream, Janice pulls a very small portion of her weight by -- publicly adjusting her cup. Sure, let's call it that. The same thing every ballplayer does when their hands go to that area. That's it exactly. (Are we safe yet?)

'I gave it everything I could with a hundred and two percent,' Janice c-ts. Janice, Janelle. Janelle, Janice. Actually, you'd probably get along better with April. She's more your type.

Jose c-t feels his team improved as soon as they went out into the field, which may be why the score is 7-4 Lifers going into the bottom of the third -- they were able to prevent too many balls from reaching Janice, which should really be the goal of everyone on the planet. And they're not doing badly on the batting end, either -- except for Bronson. Bronson has a strike called on him and asks 'What does that mean?' It means he's once again done what he does best: miss the target completely, and this time, he didn't even have to read from a script to do it. Bronson can't make any contact with the ball. Bronson can only make a hit on something if it's in a skirt and since no one's about to decorate the ball, every at-bat for Bronson is one-two-three-sit. But he may have just been distracted by Tina's hair. It has its own zip code, y'know.

10-6 Lifers heading into the bottom of the fourth, and Dolly Parton gets a base hit. Jose takes c-t time to note that she did not wear a proper sports bra to the event. That's not the way he put it and it's probably not what he was thinking, but it's the lesson that should be learned. Always wear a good sports bra when participating in a sporting event, or you might draw the attention of Jose Canceso. You have been warned.

Top of the fifth, 12-7 Lifers, Ozzie is pitching in relief, and Jose's at bat, yelling fielding directions to MJ and his bodyguard. 'You'd better back up!' MJ backs up and finds himself in the exact position required to field Jose's next hit. (Note to any major league team looking for a third base coach: Jose can really position fielders.) Sandi and Caprice make out -- I meant they failed to score -- look, the half-inning is over and it's still 12-7, okay? Perverts.

Ozzie massages MJ's shoulders, telling him that he's giving it to him and he should feel it coming. (Okay, I give up. Just read that however you want to.) MJ lets out one of his patented noises. Or noses. Whichever one comes off more easily. But he gave him something, all right: a temporary infusion of talent. MJ hits one well enough to let him moonwalk across home plate, and it's 12-8. Then Ozzie scores, and it's 12-9. Elton: 12-10. Madonna: 12-11. Jose c-t starts to realize that the score is going to be really close. Ummm... yeah. It's a one-run differential, it's the bottom of the last inning, and as soon as the Dead Ringers move ahead of the Lifers, they win. (Note to any major league team looking for a bench coach: he can count, too!) But Jose's not worried, because there's still time to come back and beat them! There's always -- the bottom of the inning!

The world gently reminds Jose that this is the bottom of the inning, the Dead Ringers are the home team, they bat last, and there is no more to come unless the inning ends with a tie and they have to move to extra frames. Jose c-t freaks. He almost made a major mistake! He almost forgot what inning it was! Home team vs. visiting team, bottom vs. top, that's nothing, but forgetting the inning? Crisis. (Note to any major league team: never mind...)

'I messed up...' Jose whines to Daryl, who just pushes him back towards his team. Jose is mortified -- twenty years in professional baseball and he still got that one wrong -- but there remains one out to go, and he warns his team about the trouble they're in. Not only is he still the captain, but if any hit gets past the fielders, it'll be enough for the Dead Ringers to tie the game and possibly even win: they've got the baserunners to try with Tina on first and Dolly on second. And of all people, Ozzie's up. Problem...

(Insert dramatic theme from Major League here.)

Jose directs Carey to back up into shallow left-center -- the play at third might not matter much -- and pitches to his still-unrecognized brother. Ozzie hits one high into the air. It's up! It's back! It's still sailing! It is going to be --

-- caught. By Carey. Who wouldn't have been in that position if Jose hadn't moved him. (Note to any major league team: keep never-minding. And don't even think about that empty team trainer slot.)

The Lifers win! The Lifers win! The Lifers win! And I don't care! I don't care! I don't care!

Tina jumps onto Jose, wrapping her legs around him from sheer happiness -- yes, Tina: did you think the female housemates were the only ones vulnerable to the enticement of a well-shaped rear? After disentangling himself from Tina and congratulating the Dead Ringers on a good game, Jose gets a moment alone with the producers, who tell him who he's been playing against the whole time. Off-camera, of course. Naturally it was off-camera, because that gives Jose a chance to claim he knew it all along. And he did, really. Sure he did. Why wouldn't he? -- oh, just keep swallowing: you'll choke it down eventually. Jose introduces Ozzie to Voldemort, who immediately compliments Ozzie on his twin hotness. Caprice just bounces in place while chanting 'I knew it! I knew it!' Caprice is in the middle of a teenage 'Twins! I could totally get twins!' fantasy, so let's just leave her alone with her hormones in c-t for a while.

After an appropriate calm-down period that may or may not have involved asking Mr. Vibrator if he had a few minutes away from Janice, Caprice c-t declares herself to have spotted the family connection before it was revealed, because Jose has a tell-tale eye twitch that makes him look like a certain Apprentice contestant took over his blink reflex -- and Ozzie has the same twitch. And that's without exposing Ozzie to four straight hours of basic Crucio training, although they always could have simulcast live from the camera...

Daryl calls the Lifers over to receive their prize -- with a twist. The chips will be under the charge of the game's Most Valuable Player. And that player is -- Janice. Because she moved. Voluntarily. And no one had ever seen her do that before, so it had to be commemorated somehow. The ultimate decision was actually Jose's, and he made it because 'Janice was chasing balls in the outfield like you would not believe.' And he's right. I still don't believe it. Body double? Janice can't believe it either, but there it is: she's MVP, she's in charge of the chips, and no one can gamble without her say-so. Voldy c-t calls this 'the pity prize.'

For Janice's part, she lounges in the grass, looks at the camera, and asks 'Can you stand it? I'm the most valuable player on The Surreal Life!' (No. And no.) She then kisses Jose before he can escape -- and it's time to get back on the bus and head over to the palms.

(At this time, I must ask all readers named Ginger to leave the summary for a few lines. I've already induced one near-death in this summary. The next set of flashbacks might not leave enough to revive.)

Voldemort has a suspicion, and it's confirmed as soon as the Lifers reach their room: they're staying in the Real World suite. Virtually nothing has changed. Most of the stains are still there, including the ones on the top of the pool table. The beds are still cushy. The lighting is still weird. Trishelle's scent is still in the air and will be there forever, especially around those stains.

(Okay, it's safe. Come back in now.)

Voldemort notes that the Palms really knows how to treat celebrities. I'm not sure what this has to do with her...

Carey proposes that they all get cleaned up and go have some cocktails in one of the Palms' nightclubs, and the housemates agree. Everyone showers, primps, and gets ready for a night on the town, with Janice c-t declaring her intent to get some dancing in. 'Don't forget: I was weaned at Studio 54!' And Studio 54 no longer exists, so apparently some bile flowed back the other way.

The nightclub is all you could ask from a Las Vegas establishment: smoky, loud, badly-lit, and full of alcohol. Since these are all descriptions that could also be applied to Janice, she feels right at home. Her night begins by rubbing up against Carey. She calls it dancing. He calls it standing in one place, frozen with shock and horror, and if he doesn't, I will. Janice complains that Carey's not a good dancer, and Carey admits he can't dance at all, because when you've broken that many bones, you don't want to give them a chance to grind against each other. The word 'grind' triggers a thought in Janice, and she moves her quasi-dance act over to Jose, doing the old rub-and-weave-and-heave while telling Jose she can tell he likes her. Jose protests that he's very shy, really, and that's not just something he's saying because Madonna ruined him for all other women, it's just that he's thought the matter over carefully and all things considered, he'd rather live.

Sandi c-t picks up on Jose's embarrassment. Janice doesn't. She does seated vertical leg splits in front of him. (This leads to a censorship blur: short-shorts.) She rubs against him again. She kisses him. She gropes him. She crawls across a table towards him (re-blur), then winds up sitting with her legs draped over his lap. She, in short, does all the things that would constitute sexual harassment if anyone did it to her, much less to a subject who's not even remotely enjoying the experience. Janice is being the harasser. Not that she cares -- this is the woman whose idea of a good time with a male starts with giving him a severe head injury -- but it has to be noted, if only for the hypocrisy meter, even though it overloaded five episodes ago.

Voldemort c-t declares this to be completely unfair to Jose, because she wanted to do it! (Run, Jose! Run! Even if you switched with Ozzie while you had the chance, run! -- no, that's stupid. What kind of idiotic reality show would have twins swapping in and out of a sealed house?)

'This is the most uncomfortable (censored) thing ever!' Jose protests, and given that Janice's legs are in his lap, you'd sort of have to believe him. Jose tries to make his escape, but Janice will not be denied. She follows him. She does some more unwelcome rubbing. She c-ts. 'He's single -- I'm single -- maybe somewhere in there, there's a thought --' (pause for raw horror) '-- and then I went 'Nah, it's not gonna happen'', followed by a mainstream washing of hands and disgruntled departure. And there, at long last, is this episode's fake-quit: the streak is safe. Janice hasn't really given up on getting Jose. (Run! Whoever you are!) She's just put too much effort into it for one night and she'll pick it back up when he's in a more receptive mood. And that translates directly to 'after she gets the club back.'

But it's still not completely over for the night, because Janice is going to Get A Man if the effort kills someone else. Carey is unreceptive. Jose has been temporarily soured. That leaves -- right. It leaves exactly who you think it leaves. The one who she claimed was sexually harassing her from Day One on, and wouldn't that be the last person you'd put the moves on, no matter what kind of mood you were in, if you had any vestige of sanity left? Well, that still leaves out Janice, so she approaches Bronson (who's sitting between Jose and Carey -- jealousy angle attempt here) and declares 'You're getting a lap dance -- whether you like it or not!' Because the 'or not' part isn't harassment. Why? Because she's doing it. And she does it, starting her motions in front of Bronson, who has an expression of fascination that's usually reserved for pileups of ten cars or more. Which is understandable, because that's the number of Detroit-produced parts he's currently looking at.

Of course, if anyone can c-t pick up on double standards, it's Voldemort, who's doesn't use anything but and is watching from a short distance away. 'She's always complaining about Bronson groping her -- she was doing all the groping and grabbing that night, and it was disgusting.' And as with the first episode, don't hold the originator against the idea. She's right. She's still Voldemort and part of her may be disappointed because she wasn't doing the same thing with Jose, but she's right.

'Janice!' Bronson protests in mainstream -- before swinging into c-t for the extended DVD version. 'If it had been for real, it would have been fun. It was empty. That's just a plastic (female genitalia)! Get a real (female genitalia)!' You may remember that Bronson said something similar about Caprice having a plastic (take a wild guess) after he first met her. I'm glad to see Bronson's growing up and getting a non-Yale education. Now that he's spent enough time with Janice, he has a PhD in recognizing plastic (what do you think), and he's putting it to good use. In fact, if Voldemort takes over, she's promised him a teaching position in Defense Against The (ibid!). Seventh-years only.

'No,' Bronson firmly tells Janice. 'You don't want to fun around with me the rest of the time: I don't want you to do it here.' Janice, shocked, collapses onto Carey's recently vacated seat. 'Good,' Bronson says, and leaves. Janice watches him go, uncomprehending.

She doesn't c-t understand what's going on. The nightclub is where you're supposed to do that sort of thing. He's supposed to enjoy it. There's just no logic to him! It's not sexual harassment when she's the one doing it! And she's partially right, but only by exclusion. It's also assault.

'Janice acting like a two-bit whore,' Bronson wearily c-ts, overestimating Janice's value by 1.9999999 bits. 'I don't know how her brain works. I thought I did.' And he leaves the club, missing Janice's response to his dismissal: a kiss planted on a club patron. Because if he's not going to respond, someone will. She's the world's first supermodel, and in Las Vegas, that's as rare as a 0.0000001 whore.

At 3:38 in the morning, the rest of the Lifers leave the nightclub. It's been a long day. They ran bases. They swung bats. They tried to connect stains to memories from the DVD set. They've had enough for one episode. Except for Janice, who stays behind. Caprice c-t believes she was there until about 6:30 or so. Sandi c-t thinks Janice is like a spinning top: you never know when she'll stop, or where, or on who. And Janice parties the night away. She dances with male patrons. She dances with female patrons. She takes a turn at the DJ booth. 'I have to entertain myself because the rest of the cast was so boring!' (Shots of the other Lifers settling down to sleep.) 'I have more energy than a nuclear time bomb!' And just about the same number of potential deaths. But the half-life of her makeup is considerably shorter.

And there's the Las Vegas party philosophy according to Janice. You're only as old as you feel. And now, if you'll excuse her, she has to go feel up an eighteen year-old.

Next week on The Surreal Life: we're still in Vegas, but there's a very real question as to what reality we're operating in. It might be one on CBS, because we're about to see Survivor ripped off down to the parchment and 'The council has spoken', as one of the Lifers is voted out of Vegas – but not the show: did you really think we could be that lucky? Janice treats several men like salt licks. Bronson reverts to his perverted ways, this time with Caprice, who's finally been verified as being flesh and blood all the way through. And Voldemort declares 'Welcome to the Janice Dickinson Show', which means I figured it out before you did, Miss Eighth Place.

Peace, over and out. (Is the STD test still necessary if you just watched a tape?)

• RE: Official Surreal Life #5 Episode #6 Summary: (No-)Star(s) Wars: Clone Wars ,CwazyWabbit, 03:41 AM, 08-22-05

As usual, a fabulous job, Estee! I started reading your summary while the episode was playing here on the left coast. I have to say, your summary was waaaaaay better that the show!

And I must say, the idea of the Surreal Life House becoming the sequester house for BB had me in stitches. If only it was true!

Thanks again for the fabulous read! You are so awesome at this summary thing!

Watch out! I got a siggie handcrafted by RollDdice