I'm a Celebrity, Let Me Dance For You

Previously on I’m a Celebrity Get me Out of Here…

Some washed-up celebrity DAWs tried desperately to extend their fame by torturing themselves on national television. Oh wait, this isn’t I’m a Celebrity Get me Out of Here? Coulda fooled me!

Previously on Dancing with the Stars, John & Joey were great, Rachel was pretty good. Evander and Trista were okay, and Kelly was horrible. Tonight, we’ll find out who’s the first celebrity ‘outta here’. My money’s actually on Trista despite the fact that Kelly is the worst of the bunch. Does ANYONE like Trista? I think not. They’re so going home. If not Trista, it’s definitely Kelly. She sucks and people can’t possibly be that blinded by her cute face and oobies, can they? Hello? Hello? I'm talking to...oh, never mind.

Tonight we’ll be seeing the couples perform either the rhumba or the quick step. I’m guessing that the male celebs will be doing the rhumba, while the female celebs will be doing the quick step. At least, I hope that’s what they do so that we can see how the couples do with a different tempo/style.

Tom (VO): Last week these stars lit the stage on fire. (No, I think we can blame the ‘fire’ on the antichrist Trista…)

Tom Bergeron & Lisa Canning: At the end of the show, one couple is going home. No, really? Do tell!

The scores will be added to last week’s scores and then averaged with the home votes (huh?). Okay, so…this makes no sense. Two week’s worth of competition goes into the first elimination? This makes no sense. So what happens next week? Do they count this week’s scores twice or do they start using just one week’s worth of scores next week? Or do they really just boot whomever the hell they want? I suppose we shall see.

Rachel & Jonathan

First up, Rachel & Jonathan. The got mixed reviews last week. They’re trying to impress the judges with their “dangerous” moves (which are about as dangerous as Tom Bergeron is funny and Lisa Canning is a good TV journalist).

Rachel & Jonathan – Rhumba to Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing. First thing of note…this is a poor costume choice for Rachel. She’s hot, no doubt about it, but the costume does nothing to accentuate her best physical features (which is NOT her midsection) and the color is bad with the lighting and her own coloring. She’s quite impressive though and she’s by far the best of the female celebs. She looks graceful and poised and she pulls off the slower dances quite well. Not too sure how well she’d fare with a quick step, though.

To the judges:

Len: In a rhumba, I’m looking for interplay, good hip action, romance. I saw everything.
Bruno: Rachel you have the potential of becoming a love goddess of the dance floor. That was wonderful
Carrie Ann: started out a bit nervous – but that was beautiful elegant and sexy…great chemistry.

Backstage: Lisa was impressed with Rachel touching her nose to her knee (it was impressive, but she did NOT touch her nose to her knee…and that’s MUCH easier to do when your other knee is bent, btw).

Scores:

8 –8 – 8

I would’ve given them an 8 as well. They were better than last week, but they are the first couple, so they can’t be too generous with higher scores. There does seem to be something amiss with Rachel’s movement…maybe the fact that she’s 6 feet tall and not really built for dancing? Overall, a great start to the show!

Joey & Ashly

Next up Joey & Ashly: Quoth the Joey: “now it’s on”…this quick step is at least twice as hard as the cha cha (no Joey…that would be the Cha Cha Cha). “One wrong move and it could totally collapse.”

Joey & Ashly – Quick Step to You’re the One that I Want from Grease. Joe has a permanent surprised look on his face, which is distracting, but he is very light on his feet. Still needs some work on his upper body/posture (but less noticeable than last week), but overall that was very entertaining. These two look to have great chemistry and they always look like they have fun on the dance floor.

To the judges:

Len: The quick step is “light fluffy dance like a souffle…like moving across the floor on hot coals”. Incredible footwork, just have to concentrate now on your posture
Bruno: I expect a lot from you, I still feel you’re slightly under-performing. Have to do smaller stteps to fit in quicker/lighter steps
Carrie Ann: “you didn’t miss a step at all…what you lacked in posture, you had in presence”

Backstage
Lisa: Bruno said you were under-performing…got something to say about that?
Joey: Uh-uh-uh-uh…I’ll take it, it’s all good. (That Joey…sure has a way with words)

Scores:
8 – 7 – 6

I would have given them an 8. They were fun and entertaining – Joey just needs to lose the weird facial expressions.

Trista & Louis

Trista & Louis – Last week they received encouraging words. At rehearsal, things got a little too close for Trista…”and I am married” (I’m not entirely sure what being married has to do with doing the rhumba…maybe she means that once you’re married you don’t have sex, so she doesn’t have any sensuality base her performance on). Trista brings hubby Ryan to make sure it was okay (she just wanted to get him on TV, the damn DAW)…apparently he’s the sane one of their relationship as he said it was fine. Duh…it’s a dance. You’re not doing the Naked Rhumba, Trista. Now THAT would be a fun dance!

Trista & Louis – Rhumba to Endless Love - Okay, Trista really looks stupid right from the start. She’s not interacting with her partner AT ALL. She looks ONLY at the audience and She’s got a cheesy performance grin on the entire time. Not.sensual.at.all. She has dancing ability, which is pretty obvious given that she was a Miami Heat dancer, but she is not a performer at all.

Carrie Ann: I didn’t feel that you seduced your partner
Len: it was good to see some basic steps – the fan – we’ve seen so little of that so that was pleasing
Bruno: Trista, not enough chili…this is a hot Latin dance and I didn’t feel any heat or passion between the two of you

Louis interjects to say “may I say that I felt it”. Well, Louis, if that’s what you call heat, I think you just lost all credibility in the sensual department (not that you had any to begin with).

6 – 7 – 6

Lisa: are you a little disappointed? (tYco* comment #45)

Trista: yes, definitely…I’ll be honest. The fact that they showed the video (referring to her unwillingness to be ‘sensual’) may have effected their vision . NO Trista, the fact that you did not interact with your partner at all effected their vision. Get over yourself.

I’d have given them a 6 (being generous) only because Trista IS a decent dancer. But the performance was horrendous.

John & Charlotte

John & Charlotte – John says,”Quick step is probably the most physically difficult thing I’ve done in a long time”. Apparently it’s showing…in reference to the amount of sweat he’s producing, he jokes, “I could know the buzzards off a donkey right now”. I think he thinks he’s on Seinfeld still or something…cause he’s always trying to crack the jokes. In the rehearsals, Charlotte pushed him physically, making him do extra exercise to keep his endurance in check. She’s

Quick Step to Let’s Face the Music and Dance

They were fantastic. From start to finish…John is obviously a consummate performer…he is aware of everything he does on stage and he looks fabulous. His facial expressions and body language fit perfectly with the style of dance and the song. The chemistry is great, the dance was great, the choreography was wonderful. The ONLY flaw I noticed was a few little odd expressions (looked like sighs of relief), but overall, they were phenomenal. They don’t need flashy costumes to carry them. If anyone’s going to get a 10 in this competition, it will be these two.

Trying to make it look as though I’m not near death
Bruno: Now the competition really starts, you set standards now…this is class, this is elegance…what a complete performance
Carrie Ann: Even without spandex you are the couple to beat
Len: The hold was great, the posture was great, the footwork was pretty good…it was fabulous

Scores:
8 – 9 – 9

I would have given them 9 or 10…missed out on some of the footwork with some poor camera work.

Kelly & Alec

Kelly & Alec – Last week they were slammed by the judges. Being ridiculed on national TV…despite their comments, I went home with my head held high. Alec: I was impressed by the way Kelly handled the criticism...that's what champions are made of. No, champions (of the ballroom variety) are made of people who can dance, genius. Kelly has coined a new phrase, though: Rhumbalicious, which she says means "Kelly & Alec." My definition of Rhumbalicious would not include either of these two. In fact, I don’t think I’d make up a stupid word like Rhumbalicious in the first place, but then again I can dance.

Kelly & Alec do the Rhumba to Hero (Enrique Iglesias). Their facial expressions and body language were pretty sensual/sexy, but Kelly looked ridiculous yet again. At least this time her hip movements saved her. That’s about the only thing she can move well, so at least her partner choreographed the routine well to suit her ‘talents’ (or lack thereof). Kelly just cannot dance. Plain and simple. She’s not coordinated in the art of dance and no amount of work is going to save her. However, I must say that it was a great costume choice for Kelly and she looked great. She’s cute, got a great body – and she can’t dance to save her life so she needs a distracting costume.

To the judges:
Carrie Ann: that was very sexy, but this is dancing and I didn't see dancing...you're an awkward mover to me
Len: it was better than last week, it was still brittle
Bruno: You have improved...if you stay in this, you have to work on your lines using your arm, and holding your posture.

Scores:
5 – 6 – 6

I’d have given them a 5 (that’s being generous). I understand that these celebs aren’t pros, but given the other scores, they don't deserve anything higher than a 5.

Evander & Edyta

Evander and Edyta are up next. As expected, Evander is having a very difficult time with the quick step. He’s falling all over the place yet again this week. Edyta has the great idea to take him into his comfort zone and has him practice some of the quick-step moves in the ring. Smart cookie, she is. Fantastic idea. I don’t know if it will help the ever-clunky Evander, but it certainly can’t hurt.

Evander & Edyta – Quick Step to It Don’t Mean a Thing
Evander is not the most graceful man on earth, but I have to give him credit for putting everything into it. He’s obviously trying. He’s not coordinated enough to pull of a quick step by any means. But he’s still cute and I love his partner. He’s definitely the least coordinated of the bunch (Kelly just looks stiff as a board and lifeless while doing the most simple ‘dance’ steps). But I have to clown him on his wardrobe. Evander…you are wearing a collarless shirt. WHY, pray tell, are you wearing a tie? It looks silly.

Bruno: A bit like watching Terminator keeping up with Tinkerbell
Carrie Ann: unfortunate that the second dance was the quickstep, but I admire what you went for.
Len: Of all the celebrities, you’ve had to come a long way - and I’d like to see Bruno spend five weeks and then get into the ring with you.

Scores:

5 – 4 – 5

I’d have given them a 5. They were comparable to Kelly & Alec. Evander is much more charismatic on stage, whereas Kelly had some good hip action and sensuality despite there not being any ‘dance’ in their dance at all.

The Results

First couple who will return:
Joey & Ashly
Then
John & Charlotte
Evander & Edyta
Kelly & Alec

Bottom two: Rachel & Jonathan and Trista & Louis.

The couple with the lowest score: Trista & Louis. Thank heavens. She obviously wasn’t taking this seriously at all and just wanted her time in the spotlight. Booooo, Trista. Go home, you don’t get a rose.

I have to say, what’s up with Lisa’s outfit? It looks like Lisa wants to get out there on the dance floor. She’s wearing some uber sparkly purple dress. Maybe she thinks it will make up for her horrible interviewing skills? “If I blind them with my rhinestones, maybe I can hypnotize them into thinking that I’m actually good at my job.”

Oh joy, the booted couple gets to dance again a la the insufferable re-dos on American Idol where they force the dejected bootees to sing through tears. Okay, scratch that, they’re not actually re-performing their dance, the band is just playing a random song for them to dance to. And what a surprise! Trista looks really uncomfortable dancing with Louis…and that’s a good part of why she went home (you know, aside from the antichrist thing).

Next week another couple will go home. Put these DAWs out of their misery!

* thank YOU Captain obvious, and thank YOU gothmog and all of the Captain Obvious quoters who came before you.

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Nice job PM! I look forward to seeing your take on things since you are a dancer.