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Thread Number: 28480
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Original Message
"Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by Bebo on 06-20-07 at 07:44 AM
Let's remember what brought most of us here in the first place - reality TV. While some may mock it as vapid and an assault on television writers, I see it as a vessel for learning valuable life lessons. Here are but a few of the important lessons I've learned just this week (and it's only Wednesday morning):

- If a big burly guy says he wants to be a chef, he's probably just a homesick crybaby. Especially if he's never been away from his family or has decided not to eat.
- If you've ever been called Screech, there's probably a good reason. And a good reason that warrants medication, sedation, and probably confinement to a rubber room.
- Tree horror movies? Not scary.
- Don't judge the sanitation grade of the chef by the smell of Waffle House hash browns.
- Spooning nacho cheese out of a jar and putting it on store bought tortilla chips does not make you a chef. I thought my husband was just in a bad mood when he yelled that at me, but he's not the only person who feels this way.

Last week I learned that other pirates like nice pirates who share. I made sure my almost-3-year-old found out about that, so that we can ask ourselves "What would pirates do?" whenever we're faced with a tough moral dilemma. We also talk in accents now whenever we put on a jacket.

Of course, it doesn't surprise me that reality TV is a plethora of gosh darn good advice. Where else would I have learned that a roadblock is a task only one person can perform, and a detour is a choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons?

The tribe has spoken.

Table of contents
Messages in this discussion
"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by newsomewayne on 06-20-07 at 08:45 AM
I've learned it is not good etiquette to pick your nose and then use your finger to scoop peanut butter out of the jar without washing your hands first.


But since then, not much else.

"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by Lasann on 06-20-07 at 08:48 AM
And to wash my hands after using the toliet and before mixing a salad with my hands.



Sharnina has outdone herself this time!

"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by Lasann on 06-20-07 at 08:49 AM
OH, and making love to a camera will get you what you want.



Sharnina has outdone herself this time!

"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by Lasann on 06-20-07 at 08:51 AM
And, even though your partner is a morally vacant, blond turd man, you can still give him the win.


Sharnina has outdone herself this time!
The commercial says JULY 5.


"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by dragonflies on 06-20-07 at 08:51 AM
Also don't forget that many many people think they have talent, can dance, and even *gasp* sing. And it's ok to think you do, even if you don't. Cause someone will watch you anyway.


split by Slicey

"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by CTgirl on 06-20-07 at 08:58 AM
And some people will even vote for you!
"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by bullzeye on 06-20-07 at 09:01 AM
I have learned that even though that spaghetti I just threw in the garbage would look just fine with a little rinse, it's really not a good idea.



Snidget's to blame!


"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by geg6 on 06-20-07 at 09:05 AM
I learned it's bad hair dresser etiquette to wear a wife beater while cutting and styling hair. Who knew people don't like hairy pits in their faces?


"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds." Albert Einstein

"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by txmomma26 on 06-20-07 at 09:09 AM
I learned how very much I love Bebo.

Because there just hasn't been enough Bebo or Bebo love around here in many seasons of useless shows.

"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by smokeysmom on 06-20-07 at 09:50 AM
I learned that the best way to respond to an accusation of displaying "whore-ish" behavior is to flash your oobies on TV while denying said accusation.


another beauty by Sharnina

"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by brvnkrz on 06-20-07 at 09:51 AM
I will NOT miss Dustin Diamond on CFC, next season. Such an asshole.


Celebrating Pride with Syren

"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by newsomewayne on 06-20-07 at 09:58 AM
Hey, what is CFC? The only thing I can come up with is Country Fried Chicken (or Chicken Fried Chicken), but that is only because I'd really like to go to Cracker Barrel right now.


"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by geg6 on 06-20-07 at 10:02 AM
Celebrity Fit Club


"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds." Albert Einstein

"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by newsomewayne on 06-20-07 at 10:05 AM
Ah, thank you. Now, would you like to go to Cracker Barrel with me? My treat.


"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by geg6 on 06-20-07 at 10:13 AM
Okay, but not Cracker Barrel, okay?

I've learned I'd rather go to the Waffle House than anywhere else. They have high standards of food safety.


"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds." Albert Einstein

"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by Snidget on 06-20-07 at 10:16 AM
I'll go, I am now craving some chicken fried chicken.


Summertribe and the living is easy!

"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by Lasann on 06-20-07 at 09:59 AM
Maybe he'll loose his house and come stay with you.


Sharnina has outdone herself this time!

"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by brvnkrz on 06-20-07 at 10:06 AM
How could he lose his house now? he has that booming t-shirt and "adult toy" business going on. *rolls eyes*


Celebrating Pride with Syren

"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by Lasann on 06-20-07 at 10:18 AM
Didn't he imply on CFC that he has a "Tommy Lee"?


Sharnina has outdone herself this time!


"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by brvnkrz on 06-20-07 at 10:25 AM
Yep. There was even a scene where he was shown, showing it to one of the chicks at the porn convention and she confirmed that he was a Tommy Lee.


Celebrating Pride with Syren

"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by Snidget on 06-20-07 at 10:28 AM
LAST EDITED ON 06-20-07 AT 10:52 AM (EST)

Didn't he use a stunt richard for the film?

While Dustin is a humangous richard, I am not convinced he has one.


Summertribe and the living is easy!

ETD a G that I swore I deleted before I hit ost

"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by brvnkrz on 06-20-07 at 10:37 AM
Oh he has one. It just happens to sit on top of his shoulders.


Celebrating Pride with Syren

"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by samboohoo on 06-20-07 at 10:51 AM
There seems to be an epidemic of that lately.


Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose.

"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by brvnkrz on 06-20-07 at 10:53 AM
Yes, there certainly does. *shakes head*


Celebrating Pride with Syren

"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by Estee on 06-20-07 at 10:05 AM
Crenshaw has its very own regional dialect.


"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by Snidget on 06-20-07 at 10:14 AM
LAST EDITED ON 06-20-07 AT 10:17 AM (EST)

-That when you use the chicken setting on the microwave pressing 1 for amount does not mean 1 whole chicken with veggies crammed into every oriface

-Any food imaginable can be made into a foam.

-The producers of AI can cast for talent, but usually chose not to. (If you can find 20 people who can dance you can find 24 people who can sing)

-Mirnese/Mirenglish should be banned by international treaty

-Knights of yore were short, but not that short.

-No one should ever point a camera at Dustin Diamond ever again.


Summertribe and the living is easy!

"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by Bebo on 06-20-07 at 10:49 AM
-Knights of yore were short, but not that short.

Oh, that was a valuable lesson! That was about the time I learned that winning beauty pageants can come back to haunt you, since you never know when you'll be recognized...or what you'll be bringing back up when you are.


"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by Dakota on 06-20-07 at 10:34 AM
I've learned:

- taking your clothes off for peanut butter gives you a 50/50 chance of winning a million.

- if it walks like a level 3 psychotic and talks like a level 3 psychotic, it probably is a level 3 psychotic. Keep the knives away.

- hooking up with a doctor is not necessarily a good thing.

- all parents should teach their children how to swim which will help them on Survivor and Battle of the Reality Stars. Otherwise they'll be forced to go on The Bachelor and Surreal Life.

- Pretend phones are somehow better than coconut phones.


"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by Tahj on 06-20-07 at 10:53 AM
The phrases "Carry on" and "Make it work" have become my mantras.



Tribe rocked my sig!
Tim Gunn is my guru.

"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by StarryLuna on 06-20-07 at 11:05 AM
Oh, me too, me too! I say "Make It Work" to my students all the time!


It's a Syren kind of summer

"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by AyaK on 06-20-07 at 11:16 AM
Tim deserves credit for the best all-purpose reality TV saying....
"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by jbug on 06-20-07 at 10:58 AM
That walking around nekkid can win you a million dollars (but you may also have to be gay for this to work).

That one CAN find lvoe on a reality show.

That a skateboard is a pretty dumb thing to take to the beach.

That 'rapido' means fast in any country.

That just because your mommy calls you 'sexy' doesn't mean you really are or that you can dance.

That RTV voters usually do not base their votes on talent but more on personality or looks.

That even if you sing as badly as W Hung, some producer will make a laughing stock out of you use you to make a few $$.


Handcrafted by RollDdice
Thanks Bebo, this is fun!

"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by dragonflies on 06-20-07 at 01:41 PM
That even if you sing as badly as W Hung, some producer will make a laughing stock out of you use you to make a few $$.

I heard that he made over $1M himself as well. Timing is everything.

Go Pack!

"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by arkiegrl on 06-20-07 at 11:00 AM
I've learned that asking to be voted off will get you another couple of weeks.

"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by brvnkrz on 06-20-07 at 11:02 AM
As will crying and passing out.


Celebrating Pride with Syren

"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by Estee on 06-20-07 at 11:04 AM
LAST EDITED ON 06-20-07 AT 11:06 AM (EST)

* Don't lie more than you absolutely have to.

* If at all possible, lie by omission. It's hard for people to accuse you based on things you never said.

* However, do try to get away with one lie before you go. If nothing else, it's traditional.

* You are operating in a giant puzzle with mobile pieces that are going to be changing their minds about just where, how, and if they fit. There's no picture on the box and someone stole the instructions. But if you just manage to figure out that you're working on a puzzle before anyone else does, you've won. Actually putting it together is just a formality...

* Other people's actions are going to influence yours. No plan ever completely survived first contact with one's enemies or allies. Recognize it, adjust, move on.

* Know what they're going to do before they do. Then try to use it.

* Let them think they're using you. It's easier that way.

* You are at the mercy of the game's rules. The game is at the mercy of how you choose to interpret the rules.

* Leaders die. Followers get dumped. The one hiding behind the throne and whispering subconscious instructions generally lives through the revolution.

* Your best weapons are other people's assumptions.

* You can do one more.

* Hold something back physically until you need it, hold something back mentally until the time is right, hold most of it back emotionally until it's over. It's only a game. Don't start taking it personally.

* Expect everyone else to take it personally.

* Anyone can see things that aren't there. It takes serious work to see things that are there.

* Have a plan. Have a backup plan. Have a backup plan for the backup plan. Be ready to dump them all and improvise.

* Don't quit. Ever.



I expect the sarcastic/joking ones to show up in about two hours.

"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by mattben on 06-23-07 at 07:12 AM
As usual, Estee, you have very cogent learnings.
"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by qwertypie on 06-23-07 at 10:47 AM
Hey - I learned a new word today!
BTW Welcome Mattben
"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by StarryLuna on 06-20-07 at 11:09 AM
-I've learned that everything from the quit boat to the rats can have a theme song.

-I've learned that Heidi Klum spends most of her life pregnant.

-I've learned that Fox can make tv out of anything. Notice I didn't say good tv.

-I've learned that it's okay to bend the rules by canceling another team's taxi, but it's not okay to follow the rules and yield a team.

-I've learned that when I arrive in a foreign country, Phil Keoghan and a grandly dressed local person will greet me.


It's a Syren kind of summer

"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by DebCapsFan on 06-20-07 at 11:51 AM
I learned that I have no happy. And you no find bread baggage.

But I'm working on it.


It's a Tribe.

"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by frodis on 06-20-07 at 11:58 AM
I've learned. . .

. . . that the very best way to test my relationship is to leave my SO on an island with a dozen whores hotties DAWs while I go to another island with another dozen DAW's. I will pass judgement and hold his illicit activities against him, while my own illicit activities are just "in the moment."

. . . always say yes to the fantasy suite invitation. A promise ring means "we will break up in three weeks."

. . . the model will never pick the average Joe. Even the average Joe won't pick the average Joe(Jane).

. . . Don't go on a hot air balloon ride with Richard Branson.



Summer fun, Sharnina-style!

"People who win cars"
Posted by moonbaby on 06-20-07 at 11:59 AM
are doomed to fail.

Also, if you didn't win the million but everyone really wanted you to, they will either find a way to hand it to you anyway or offer you another chance to win it on a different show.

"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by vince3 on 06-20-07 at 12:06 PM
LAST EDITED ON 06-20-07 AT 12:06 PM (EST)

* How to scream really loud when MY.OX.IS.BROKEN!

* You can give up an immunity idol if you have a real (or faked out) spare, provided that the other team doesn't know you passed it off......

* Never try to trust someone that either you, or your former alliance mates, treated like dirt. It will come back to haunt you!

*Putting money as a carrot in front of a family (that only one member can win) is a really good way for them to never speak to each other again.

* When you're down to three, the only person who is safe is the person who votes, no matter how close you are to that person.

* In Reality TV, a coup/mutiny just.doesn't.work if you have to rely on everyone to do it or one who's an idiot to do it.

* Being a leader without a majority is a recipie for disaster.

* The concept of The Mole was killed by 9/11........ (only a stupid, non-traveling, celebrity version aired afterwards :shudder:)

* Going on any RTV with any boyfriend/girlfriend to "see if the relationship can work" is pretty much a bad idea....

* Basing a RTV off of a movie? Bad Idea!

* You can find the Next *just about anything* nowadays........

"One that actually works in real life...really!"
Posted by geg6 on 06-20-07 at 12:07 PM
Alliances revealed never succeed.

So I keep all mine under wraps.


"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds." Albert Einstein

"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by FishWoman on 06-20-07 at 12:21 PM
Asians and gays are good people.

Beauty queens are not.

Janelle is fat.


vintage couture by tribephyl


"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by brvnkrz on 06-20-07 at 12:23 PM
Why you gotta be dissing Janelle? You're just gellus. Ya hater.


Celebrating Pride with Syren
"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by FishWoman on 06-20-07 at 03:05 PM
Hey, I wouldn't have believed it, except that 87,000 mispelled, mispunctuated posts told me it was so

Summer by Sharnina!

"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by brvnkrz on 06-20-07 at 03:08 PM
YOU FORGOT YOUR ALL CAPS, YA HATER!!!!
I am going to miss the Dr. Will/Mike Boogie phone calls. *snort*


Celebrating Pride with Syren

"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by FishWoman on 06-20-07 at 05:59 PM
Don't you mean:

U 4GOT UR ALLCAPS, U H8TR!!!111!1

While I certainly wouldn't have minded some TLC from Dr. Will, I will not miss anything that had to do with Mike Boogie.


thanks, Tribe!

"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by newsomewayne on 06-20-07 at 01:56 PM
You leave my sweet Janey alone!

"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by Estee on 06-20-07 at 02:01 PM
I thought you no longer liked yourself.


"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by newsomewayne on 06-20-07 at 02:44 PM
No, no, no, no. I no longer love myself.

In other words, I'm dating again.


"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by Sunny_Bunny on 06-20-07 at 12:46 PM
* I’ve learned that had I met Ra on a RTV show and used my feminine wiles to get to the final two, not only would I have gotten a husband, I would have gotten a million dollars whether or not I actually won the game, had a television station pay for our lavish wedding, AND been given a round the world honeymoon couched in the guise of being a contestant in yet another one of their games.

* I’ve learned that I don’t need to know how to build a fire in order to survive, nor do I need to know how to swim to be a survivor, or a pirate.

*I’ve learned that singing on a boat, ANY boat, will get me tossed off RTV.

*I’ve learned that the more insane I act, the longer I will last in any competitive situation.

*I’ve learned that the reason pirates talked funny, was due to enchanted coats or hats.

*I’ve learned that pirates were such “forward thinkers” that they hid their treasures with the idea that years later groups of stupid people would “find” them.

*I’ve learned that any man or woman who agrees to be pursued by 50 desperate, needy, rose bearing members of the opposite gender generally get exactly what they deserve.

*I’ve learned that by being upstaged by the young and restless, being upstaged by a talking car, and then being upstaged by a buxom blonde bouncing on a beach with lifesaving equipment will one day make me the supreme judge of talent in America.

*I’ve learned that nastier and ruder I become when I judge something, the more popular I will be.


"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by arkiegrl on 06-20-07 at 01:36 PM
*I’ve learned that nastier and ruder I become when I judge something, the more popular I will be.

Only if you have a British accent.


tattooed by tribephyl

"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by Sunny_Bunny on 06-20-07 at 01:41 PM
I know, that's why this one truly works for me. LOL

"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by Max Headroom on 06-20-07 at 12:56 PM
I've learned not to use a "Be the ..." siggie outside the "Be the ..." thresd.


Whoops!

"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by Dakota on 06-20-07 at 04:00 PM
I notice no one has mentioned Brazilian bikini waxing yet.



"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by FishWoman on 06-20-07 at 06:01 PM
I knew about Brazilians long before I knew about reality TV!

Summer by Sharnina!

"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by nailbone on 06-20-07 at 04:46 PM
I've learned that it's OK to lie/cheat/backstab/Yield, but only if it's YOU that's lying/cheating/backstabbing/Yielding. If YOU are the one that's lied to/cheated/backstabbed/Yielded, then the liar/cheater/backstabber/Yielder is a lying/cheating/backstabbing/Yielding, no good, sorry, sack of carp liar/cheater/backstabber/Yielder!

And that cleaning a toilet with their toothbrush is a good way to pay them back.


New sig courtesy of Sharnina!

"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by dabo on 06-21-07 at 01:50 AM
If you are a talentless spoiled brat you can star in a TV show in which you get to go around the country making fun of people who aren't talentless spoiled brats.

Or run for president.


"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by tribephyl on 06-21-07 at 02:36 AM
* Jeff Probst really is a good host. Countless others are not.

* Speaking of Jeff, without his (and MB's input) I wouldn't have my moniker. Thanks guys. You've saved me countless hours writing summaries.

* You don't have to audition to be on a reality show. Just hang out at the beach or a bar and inevitably a casting agent will find you.

* Even though someone may have no interest in being on a reality show, they can still be fun to watch.

* And conversely; Someone may be a devotee of the show, but that doesn't insure popularity or longevity.

* Having actual talent for singing/dancing/filmmaking/clothesdesigning/cooking is a curse. Best to be untalented and strange. Added points if your face reminds people of an animal.

* You can be popular one season and a big bloated and bitter head the next time around. (Stephenie, Rupert, The Festers, Shmirna, Nakomis, Danielle, Corbin Bernsen...)

* Estee kills reality. And that's a good thing.

the tribe has spoken.
Like anyone cares.

"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by Bebo on 06-21-07 at 07:46 AM
If it walks like a pirate and talks like a pirate...

then you're probably watching Dodgeball.


"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by cahaya on 06-21-07 at 09:41 PM
No wonder I haven't learned anything yet.


Ragtop Ride by foonermints

"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by qwertypie on 06-21-07 at 10:33 PM
The size of a CBS blur designed to hide naughty bits does not correlate with the size of the naughty bits CBS is trying to hide.

Dicque's dicque anyone?

"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by arkiegrl on 06-22-07 at 02:27 PM
No thanks.
"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by dabo on 06-22-07 at 00:59 AM
Never BBQ lobster for an uppity bunch. For one thing, they think they got a handle on what BBQ is supposed to be. And then they have a snit when they can't taste the blandest of the shellfishies.


"...and..."
Posted by AyaK on 06-22-07 at 01:58 PM
...even if you've been head chef of a large restaurant and published a cookbook, there are actresses out there who think they can cook better than you.
"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by qwertypie on 06-22-07 at 02:35 PM
Hard to believe, but it is possible to find hosts more robotic than Chenbot (think Laird what'shisface from TH) and more annoying and inept (Arianna from On the Lot, Samantha Harris from DWTS)

Hey - when are we going to have the Blowie awards?



"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by RudyRules on 06-22-07 at 05:59 PM
Spinning clown heads and Bugged eyed DAWs do not mix.



Another Sharina orignal!
"Them people had to be pretty dumb to make their camp in a riverbed." - Rudy Boesch

"RE: Everything I needed to know I learned from Reality TV"
Posted by qwertypie on 06-23-07 at 03:49 AM
*grin*
I just assumed that girl had a serious thyroid problem.



Sharnina enthralls me so!