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Original Message
"Jennifer Garner is knocked up!"
Posted by bacon on 05-09-05 at 10:08 AM
And thus, she is officially banned from my state for life. You can never come back once you are carrying the demon spawn of Ben Affleck. What the hell is wrong with you? Was Michael Vartan just not good enough? Why did you have to go and get pregnant by the biggest walking pile of monkey turd on the planet? I'm officially disgusted.

Sorry for not having a link to this. I saw this crap on the news today.

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"Article"
Posted by clemsonbeav on 05-09-05 at 10:11 AM
Source: http://www.baltimoresun.com/entertainment/news/bal-artslife-garner0509,0,6318282.story?coll=bal-entertainment-headlines

From Newsday
Garner's new alias: 'mom'?
Reports say 'Alias' star, Affleck, expecting a child; Couple said to be recently engaged

Originally published May 9, 2005
LOS ANGELES - "Alias" star Jennifer Garner is expecting her first child, according to E! Online and E! News.

Multiple sources close to Garner and beau Ben Affleck say the actress is three months along. News of the pregnancy comes just two weeks after several published reports claimed the couple were engaged.

According to E! Online columnist Ted Casablanca, Affleck flew Garner's kin from West Virginia to California in April for his leading lady's 33rd birthday party. The question subsequently was popped in private, Casablanca reported.

At the time, Affleck's rep described the reports as "garbage." There was no immediate comment from either actor's camp Saturday on Garner's pregnancy or whether a ceremony was in the offing.

Despite the alleged pregnancy, Garner is keeping to her schedule. Her next big-screen project, Columbia Pictures' romantic drama, "Catch and Release," begins its shoot next week in Vancouver. The film co-stars Kevin Smith, Juliette Lewis and Timothy Oly- phant and marks the directorial debut of "Erin Brockovich" screenwriter Susannah Grant.

But Garner's November due date could prove tricky for "Alias." ABC's spy thriller has wrapped for the season (the finale airs May 25), with the showslated to resume production in July. Producers must decide how to deal with her pregnancy, either by incorporating it into the show (remember, Sydney's eggs were harvested last season) or by trying to hide it. Considering the show's sky-high slinky outfit-to-episode ratio, a big belly would be hard to conceal. Further complicating matters, Garner performs most of her own stunts.

Affleck, 32, and Garner co-starred on-screen before coupling off - he was Daredevil to her Elektra in 2003's "Daredevil," and cameoed with her in this year's "Elektra." They went public with their much-rumored romance last fall at Boston's Fenway Park during the World Series. Their pairing was dubbed Garfleck and Bennifer II.

Garner was previously married to "Felicity" co-star Scott Foley. They split in 2003, and finalized their divorce in March 2004. The never-wed Affleck previously was engaged to Jennifer Lopez. That relationship ended with the scuttling of their September 2003 nuptials.



Beav: Proud member of the inoffensive OT Triumvirate.

"RE: Jennifer Garner is knocked up!"
Posted by Estee on 05-09-05 at 10:11 AM
Bacon, Bacon, Bacon... don't you think you should get some proof that she didn't cheat on him before you freak out this much? Until the DNA tests come back and you know it's his sperm providing the jumpstart, there's no need to be this upset. Innocent until proven fertile, right?

Now: how are they going to write this into the show?

"RE: Jennifer Garner is knocked up!"
Posted by J Slice on 05-09-05 at 10:12 AM
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

A baby Affleck?

::kills self::

Jennifer, Jennifer... Michael Vartan is SO much better than Ben.


Though I think the guy who plays Eric is the hottest.

"RE: Jennifer Garner is knocked up!"
Posted by Estee on 05-09-05 at 10:16 AM
You probably would have enjoyed twenty seconds of last night's Family Guy, except that it showed Affleck enjoying pot and that's more pleasure than you might want him to have.
"RE: Jennifer Garner is knocked up!"
Posted by J Slice on 05-09-05 at 10:17 AM
I didn't like last night's episode, but anything that makes Mr Affleck look like the douche he is makes me smile.


Are you familiar with the old robot saying, 'DOES NOT COMPUTE'?

"RE: Jennifer Garner is knocked up!"
Posted by Estee on 05-09-05 at 10:19 AM
It says a number of horrible things about me that the only thing I found funny was that shot of Donny and Marie in bed together.

"RE: Jennifer Garner is knocked up!"
Posted by J Slice on 05-09-05 at 10:23 AM
I was gravely disappointed in the quality of all of last night's cartoons.

I mean, sure, the Simpsons has sucked for years now, and Family Guy is obnoxious, and American Dad's just Family Guy, but...

You know what? I'm not sure why I had expectations to begin with.


Are you familiar with the old robot saying, 'DOES NOT COMPUTE'?

"RE: Jennifer Garner is knocked up!"
Posted by landruajm on 05-09-05 at 10:13 AM
Not to quibble on your specific complaint, but if every woman gravidified by a disagreeable person was banned from your particular state, wouldn't heterosexuality there be pretty much impossible?

"RE: Jennifer Garner is knocked up!"
Posted by Estee on 05-09-05 at 10:14 AM
Shhhh! This is our big chance to wipe them out!
"RE: Jennifer Garner is knocked up!"
Posted by J Slice on 05-09-05 at 10:16 AM
Question of the day:

Do you have sex before, after, or when the couch is burning?


Are you familiar with the old robot saying, 'DOES NOT COMPUTE'?

"RE: Jennifer Garner is knocked up!"
Posted by samiam on 05-09-05 at 06:58 PM
When. Incest is more romantic by firelight.


The lion and the lamb shall lie down together, but the lamb won't get much sleep.

"RE: Jennifer Garner is knocked up!"
Posted by bacon on 05-09-05 at 10:21 AM
Normally I'd throw a trashcan at someone for such a comment, but my hateful energy is too focused on Ben and Jen right now.
"RE: Jennifer Garner is knocked up!"
Posted by desert_rhino on 05-09-05 at 10:13 AM
G-d damn it.
"RE: Jennifer Garner is knocked up!"
Posted by clemsonbeav on 05-09-05 at 10:27 AM
*just realized that those two can still be Bennifer*


Beav: Slow.

"RE: Jennifer Garner is knocked up!"
Posted by KeithFan on 05-09-05 at 10:31 AM
Man, I sure hope he didn't use the animal cracker bit.
"I know that I am in the minority here ..."
Posted by HistoryDetective on 05-09-05 at 10:33 AM
... but Ben Affleck is #4 on my laminated list. (There really is no accounting for taste.)

And Jennifer Garner is #5. Does this increase my odds of a twofer?


a sig by syren (I had mine before you had yours!)

"RE: I know that I am in the minority here ..."
Posted by J Slice on 05-09-05 at 10:37 AM
If you gave him a complete lobotomy, and stuffed his head with candy, that might be acceptable.

I don't think the lobotomy part should take too long.


Are you familiar with the old robot saying, 'DOES NOT COMPUTE'?

"RE: I know that I am in the minority here ..."
Posted by desert_rhino on 05-09-05 at 10:39 AM
Tell you what, you take Ben, and I'll take your leftovers.
"My letter to Jennifer"
Posted by bacon on 05-09-05 at 10:42 AM
LAST EDITED ON 05-09-05 AT 10:44 AM (EST)

Dear Jennifer,

I must say that the entire state of West Virginia is completely disappointed with you on this most tragic of days. Now I know what you were thinking. "I'm just a small town country girl. I know nothing about the big city lights and crazy nights of Hollywood. That place is totally foreign to me".

But let's back up for a second. You meet J.J. Abrams and he gives you a small part in "Felicity". Then he's nice enough to cast you in "Alias", as the lead role! But then your lovelife starts to spiral out of control! You're ridiculously hot so it was obvious that multiple dudes would be hitting on you. And I know what you were thinking when Ben Affleck roled around. "Hey, I saw him in a movie once! He's a bigshot!". Unfortunately, that movie you saw him in was "Pearl Harbor". And it was a giant piece of crap. But you didn't bother doing any research on the guy. Not only was he in that love story(with the bombings of Pearl Harbor as the secondary story), but he was also in "Surviving Christmas, "Jersey Girl", "Armageddon", and for the love of God "Gigli"!

Now you're feeling pretty stupid aren't you? You're thinking to yourself ""Gigli!" What the hell? He was in that?!". But it's too late. Now you have to spend the remainder of your days looking after his two idiot kids(the one in your stomach and Matt Damon). And now you get to hear that idiot say "Dah Pats beat da Stillers again, Jen!" and "Da Sox win da Series! Da Sox win da Series!" over and over and over again.

You may be an ex-Mountaineer, but your colors are no longer blue and gold. Black will do. Cause that is now the color of your soul!

Your ex-admirer, Bacon

"RE: My letter to Jennifer"
Posted by SurvivorBlows on 05-09-05 at 05:48 PM
>And I know what you were thinking when
>Ben Affleck roled around. "Hey, I saw him in a
>movie once! He's a bigshot!". Unfortunately, that movie you saw
>him in was "Pearl Harbor". And it was a giant
>piece of crap. But you didn't bother doing any research
>on the guy. Not only was he in that love
>story (with the bombings of Pearl Harbor as the secondary story)

Psst... it was a small part, but any true Jennifer fan/stalker should also remember that she was also in Pearl Harbor

"RE: Jennifer Garner is knocked up!"
Posted by txmomma26 on 05-09-05 at 10:42 AM
Sigh.

She was so cute too.

Then again, once upon a time, so was Ben Affleck.


SigPic by Syren

"RE: Jennifer Garner is knocked up!"
Posted by ladro on 05-09-05 at 10:48 AM
I 'heard' she had been artificially inseminated by some unscreened seamen from some random gay guy in order to protest the FDA ban.
"RE: Jennifer Garner is knocked up!"
Posted by Devious Weasel on 05-09-05 at 10:55 AM
LAST EDITED ON 05-09-05 AT 10:55 AM (EST)

I like Ben Affleck.

There. I've said it. I think he's a talented supporting actor, or as a lead in an ensemble, but he can't carry a picture even though people keep trying to get him to do so.

Mock away.

Chasing Amy. Dogma. Dazed and Confused. Good Will Hunting. Shakespeare in Love.

"RE: Jennifer Garner is knocked up!"
Posted by Surveysez on 05-09-05 at 10:59 AM

What the Weasel said. Dogma is one of my all time favourite movies.
"RE: Jennifer Garner is knocked up!"
Posted by J Slice on 05-09-05 at 11:01 AM
That movie's got the Metatron.

If there was ANYONE to use as the voice of god...


::meltiness::

"RE: Jennifer Garner is knocked up!"
Posted by Estee on 05-09-05 at 11:35 AM
Oh, lovely. Cleanup, Aisle 3.

(People, forgive me for spreadin' the news,
but there ain't no mess like Slicey on your shoes)

"RE: Jennifer Garner is knocked up!"
Posted by ginger on 05-09-05 at 01:00 PM
You forgot "Clueless."



I've looked hard and find I actually have no feelings about Ben Affleck at all. In any context.

"RE: Jennifer Garner is knocked up!"
Posted by J Slice on 05-09-05 at 01:23 PM
Aflac wasn't in Clueless


You're thinking of Paul Rudd, no?

"RE: Jennifer Garner is knocked up!"
Posted by ginger on 05-09-05 at 03:40 PM
Paul Rudd, Ben Affleck, what's the real difference?




"RE: Jennifer Garner is knocked up!"
Posted by Poncho on 05-09-05 at 01:10 PM
I am with the Weasel too...

Poncho

I admit it, I actually liked Pearl Harbor and Good Will Hunting. Also wasn't he a astronant in a movie, can't remember the name, but I liked it too.

"RE: Jennifer Garner is knocked up!"
Posted by Bebo on 05-09-05 at 01:20 PM
Poncho, are you thinking about Armageddon?

Hey, just 'cause the guy can't carry a movie doesn't mean he doesn't have some value. And the guy did win an Oscar. For a movie I liked.


"If there was ever a time you wanted permission to run over a clown . . . ."

"RE: Jennifer Garner is knocked up!"
Posted by Devious Weasel on 05-09-05 at 01:31 PM
That really seems to be the problem. He's not a star, but they keep trying to make him one. Aside from Chasing Amy, all of his best performances have been in supporting roles/second lead roles.


"RE: Jennifer Garner is knocked up!"
Posted by Poncho on 05-09-05 at 03:30 PM
That is it Bebo, I loved that movie.

Poncho

"RE: Jennifer Garner is knocked up!"
Posted by TechNoir on 05-09-05 at 03:56 PM
I agree with everything you said, Dweeze. But there is like and L I K E.

The idea of anybody bedding Ben Affleck is .. repugnant.


"If a free society cannot help the many who are poor, it cannot save the few who are rich." John F. Kennedy


"RE: Jennifer Garner is knocked up!"
Posted by landruajm on 05-09-05 at 04:02 PM
Yeah, but I don't think Ben likes likes him.

"RE: Jennifer Garner is knocked up!"
Posted by Devious Weasel on 05-09-05 at 04:35 PM
I don't know - I think he and J.Lo were perfect for each other.


"RE: Jennifer Garner is knocked up!"
Posted by Immunegirl on 05-09-05 at 04:35 PM
Yet again, I agree with Tech.


Slice and Dice Chop Shop 2004

blog

"RE: Jennifer Garner is knocked up!"
Posted by Immunegirl on 05-09-05 at 11:27 AM
Anyone who dumps Michael Vartan for icky Ben Affleck has serious issues. Fortunately, that leaves Michael Vartan free for me. Mmmmmmmmmmmm....


Slice and Dice Chop Shop 2004
Eagerly awaiting the likely awful Monster-in-law just because MV will be in it.

blog

"RE: Jennifer Garner is knocked up!"
Posted by jkokoj on 05-09-05 at 12:07 PM
MMMM I take me some Vaughn!!


courtesy of RollDdice


"RE: Jennifer Garner is knocked up!"
Posted by Lisapooh on 05-09-05 at 12:05 PM
I would do Ben Affleck twice on Sunday but I wouldn't want to procreate with his grungy ass.
"RE: Jennifer Garner is knocked up!"
Posted by tjstein on 05-09-05 at 03:34 PM
Agreed. Pretty enough to do, but I wouldn't want to make babies with him.

"Barf"
Posted by weltek on 05-09-05 at 12:22 PM
I dislike them both, so I guess IMHO, they deserve eachother. I'm just upset I'll have to listen to the world yammer about them for at least another year.

"RE: Jennifer Garner is knocked up!"
Posted by samboohoo on 05-09-05 at 02:59 PM
Oh Gawd, now I have to see even more of her (literally) for another 6 months. I am so over her. Blech, blech, blech. Any chance she'll just go away in an effort to keep this baby "protected."

Him, I really have no big opinion. He's nice to look at, but I certainly wouldn't miss him if he went away.


Icey bounced my Dicey

What are the odds that J-Lo will be pregnant by summer's end?


"RE: Jennifer Garner is knocked up!"
Posted by TechNoir on 05-09-05 at 06:43 PM
I gotta say I'm pretty shocked, Bacon. I thought she was pushing grandmother age in your state. I'm really amazed that she would have been considered beddable at this advanced age.
"RE: Jennifer Garner is knocked up!"
Posted by bacon on 05-10-05 at 08:40 AM
Hey, how did you guys enjoy the NIT this past season? Just curious.