Behold the power of summarization.

I forgot to note that capri pants, snapping gum, and a shiv are a pretty damn fine costume as well.

1. Halloween is far too much fun for children. Rather than risking overstimulation, just lock them in the basement.
Done.

1a. Don't forget to leave them a dish of water and their favorite flavor of Pop Tarts.
Oops.

2. Candy is good. Satan likes just about all chocolate stuff except for Kit-Kats or anything else that mixes the concepts of "candy" and "cookie." There's a special place for the dillweeds who thought that one up.
Mmmmmmm. Me like special places.

2a. Like all food sacrifices, candy offerings should be properly wrapped. Satan doesn't bother x-raying unwrapped offerings. He just gives them to poor children.
That's some kind of "Trickle Down Theory" generosity thing, isn't it?

3. Costumes are an important part of the fun of Halloween. Ladies, I suggest costuming yourselves as cheerleaders, ballerinas, or submissive bondage slaves. Witches are okay, as long as the dress is slinky. Nurses are right out.
I always pick that "bondage" option. Red duct tape for accessorizing is such a nice look. You can barely see the blood.

3a. And just between us, girls, you won't be needing those panties.
What panties?

4. The only appropriate costume for men on Halloween is lisping syphilitic pirate. Anything else is just lame.
Beep. No. Mr Swami breaks out his 80's 3-piece bankers suit and wing tips just for the occasion. Add a nice cape, some sharp teeth and he is a proper GQ vampire.

5. While we're on the topic of guys and Halloween parties, remember, guys: it is considered polite to get really drunk and pay no attention to your date. Especially if she's costumed as a submissive bondage slave.
Just don't forget to find her when you leave the party. Especially if you let some other drunk hold the leash.

6. When it comes to tricks, don't waste perfectly good eggs by throwing them at other peoples' property. Scramble them, preferably slightly soft--almost runny, in fact--and put them on a biscuit with some bacon, and include that with your food offering.
And if the Devil goes belly-up from all that nasty fat on Halloween, then how do we carry on? Oh right--we drink more.

7. Speaking of tricks, I hear forty dollars is the going rate.
You need to start hanging out in classier places, O Red One.

8. Soaping things as a trick is poor form, unless it's my car and it's raining.
Is it raining? Or are you just pissing on my leg?

8a. And if it is raining, make sure you get the wheel rims pretty well. They're getting a little scrungy.
Yes Master.

9. If you do succumb to the impulse to indulge trick-or-treating, make sure to have single beers available for the parents accompanying the little hobgoblins.
As always.

10. Don't let Satan's The Apprentice summary fall below the fold.
Is this some kind of code?

a slice of Slice
If Kali doesn't scare you, nothing will!

LAST EDITED ON 10-31-04 AT 08:08 PM (EST)

Is it raining? Or are you just pissing on my leg?

That's funny. I just read the "Supreme Court" section of the Jon Stewart book, too.

Is this some kind of code?

Apparently a pretty obscure one.

so we had beggar's night last night and the kids brought home a ton o' loot. in fact, i have a chocolate bar dangling from my mouth as i write this.

my son went as donald trump. rather than saying "trick or treat" he said "you're fired." the adults got a HUGE kick out of it. he was asked to pose for several pics and he even signed a couple of "autographs" for people. at a few houses he did some deal negotiations to get more candy. it was priceless.

my daughter went as a witch. yawn.

we, as a family, did some soaping trickery to our neighbor who foolishly left his lights on, his car parked outside the garage, but didn't hand out candy. we did a SPECTACULAR job.

apparently friday night he had gone out with his girlfriend to a costume party. she was a "hot witch" and he was a warlock. he did to much drinking and didn't obey rule #5. because of that, they broke up yesterday and he tried to drink away his misery. while we were soaping, he was passed out. just goes to show you what can happen when you don't follow the rules.

Trick Or Treat!

Aaaaaaahhhhh! My eyes!!

One word: GOTHMOG!