Dear Dog and Cat,When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not
switch positions with each other so there are still two
of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain
your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my
food. (Please note, placing a paw print in the middle
of my plate & food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food & dish, nor do I find that
aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.)
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is
not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the
object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster
than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I
am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue
to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look
at videos of ! dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually
curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each
other stretched out to the fullest extent possible (I also know that
sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other
end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.)
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is
not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your
paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I
must exit through the same door I entered. (In addition,
I have been using the bathroom for years...canine or
feline attendance is not mandatory.)
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs
or cats' butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such
a simple change for you.
To pacify you I ! have posted the following message on our front door.....
Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:
1. They live here; you don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay
off the furniture.
3. I like my pet better than I like most people.
4. To you it's an animal. To me he and/or she is an
adopted son and/or daughter who is short, hairy,
walks on all fours and is speech challenged.
Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't
ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually
come when called, never drive your car, don't hang
out with drug using friends, don't drink or smoke,
don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't
wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for
college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.
MC Kitt-Katt in the hizzouse
CAT GOES TO HEAVENA cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.'
The cat says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' God says,'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they
go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer
that He made the cat.
The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased
by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only
have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.'
God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted
with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat
is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God
gently wakes him and asks, 'How are you doing? Are you
happy here?'
The cat yawns and stretches and says...'Oh, I've never
been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels
you've been sending over are the best.