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Thread Number: 1238
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Original Message
"The value of an apology"
Posted by Monkeyboy on 09-21-01 at 10:30 PM
Sometimes in life, we all mess up! We say or do things that hurt other people. When we do, there is no substitue for an honest, sincere apology!
In this modern world, we sometimes think we can avoid apologies by using emails, Christmas Cards, gifts, or just letting time go by....but it doesn't work. Once a sincere apology is given, people's hearts soften, old grudges are instantly forgiven, and old friendships can be renewed...but until an honest, sincere apology is given, it will NEVER happen.

Sometimes people's egos get in the way and they try to rationalize the problem by saying "If this person hadn't done or said this, I wouldn't have done or said that". They refuse to accept their mistakes in handling a situation that ends up hurting somebody. Although they know in their heart they made a mistake, they refuse the responsiblity and try to blame somebody or something else.
Once an honest, sincere apology is given, all can and will be forgiven and forgotten instantly.

I think it's important for people to remember the value of an honest, sincere apology, because there is no amount of gold in the world that can substitue for it!


Table of contents
Messages in this discussion
"RE: The value of an apology"
Posted by Survivorerist on 09-21-01 at 10:57 PM
Yes, monkey. I agree. Apologies are always appreciated, even when not necessary.

"Aren't instruments fun?"
-Alyson Hannigan, American Pie 2

"RE: The value of an apology"
Posted by LadyT on 09-21-01 at 11:03 PM
*Hugs the Monkey*
I love ya hon, you know that.

GOD BLESS AMERICA

"Good point"
Posted by AyaK on 09-21-01 at 11:12 PM
LAST EDITED ON 09-21-01 AT 11:14 PM (EST)

You know, Monkeyboy, this is a good point. I don't think I would have worded this as well, but I actually had something like this occur recently. Someone that I was working with on a project team messed up terribly. What he did was bound to get a lot of attention if it ever came out. Well, it did come out. It turned out that none of the rest of the project team really knew the full details of what he had done, though we all knew he had done something.

When he was first confronted about this act by someone looking into it, not by someone from the team (we didn't know how bad it was yet), he said that what he had done wasn't so bad because others from the team had done similar things! That was just great: public guilt by association for the whole team.

Really, though, while what he had done was stupid, it wasn't all that harmful in the long run. The rest of the team could have overlooked it, if he had just admitted that he messed up and shown some understanding of what his blundering had cost the rest of us.

Instead, he insisted over and over that he had really done nothing any worse that others had done. When one of us asked him point blank if he wanted to apologize, he told us point blank that he had nothing to apologize for. That was his view. Our view was different enough that the rest of the team went to the powers-that-be and had him removed from the team (and ultimately "outsourced").

All we really wanted from him was an apology and his admission that he had done something that has harmful. But he couldn't face up to that, and that told us something very important about him -- something more important than his technical ability to be a member of the team.

"RE: Good point"
Posted by LadyT on 09-21-01 at 11:23 PM
Hmmmm, very good moral to this story here. Makes you think a lot, doesn't it?

Thanks Ayak, you are the best

GOD BLESS AMERICA

"RE: The value of an apology"
Posted by SkyRaider on 09-22-01 at 00:15 AM
<I think it's important for people to remember the value of an honest, sincere apology, because there is no amount of gold in the world that can substitute for it!>


I'm sure that there's a lot of ambulance chasing lawyers out there in the world that would disagree with you.

"RE: The value of an apology"
Posted by VampKira on 09-22-01 at 01:16 AM
*hugs the Minky*

What a kind soul you are.. I am honored to call you friend.


Du ar min hjälte, Supermänniska


"RE: The value of an apology"
Posted by Art Vandelay on 09-22-01 at 04:45 AM
I ALWAYS agree with what Monkeyboy says!

Apologizing is KEWL!

"RE: The value of an apology"
Posted by ItzLisa on 09-22-01 at 07:02 AM
LAST EDITED ON 09-22-01 AT 07:06 AM (EST)

I agree wholeheartedly with Monkey and Aya. There is nothing like a sincere, heartfelt apology to clear the air and make everyone feel better. To just simply try and pick up where one left off as though nothing happened never works. The relationships with others would be permanently damaged. The bad feelings remain, unspoken of and unhealed, and things can truly never be the same again. But with an apology, much of the slate can be wiped clean. That person is admitting that they are just as human as the rest of us. And to not apologize for our screw-ups also says loud and clear to the offended parties that you don't respect them enough to save the relationship. What's the worst that could happen? Will the world end if someone admits they're not perfect and that they messed up? No one's pride and ego should ever be that huge. Thanks for posting this, Monk.

****************************************

"RE: The value of an apology"
Posted by Outfrontgirl on 09-22-01 at 02:43 PM
LAST EDITED ON 09-22-01 AT 02:47 PM (EST)

>>What's the worst that could happen? Will the world end if someone admits they're not perfect and that they messed up?

Well, according to my husband, the answer to that would be "yes, pretty much!" It may be his fantasy world, but hey... he still doesn't want it to END...

Seriously, I can't count the number of little spats that have gotten prolonged due to difficulty in making a sincere apology. My un-favorite un-apology would be "Well, Exc-u-u-u-se me! Sor-r-r-y!" LOL He's a great guy; I'm just funning. I do think he grew up at a time when real men were seen as wusses if they apologized... but nowadays that's just not true.

Monkeyboy, you're such a sweetie and you set a good example, especially with Lisa and Pepe behind you (and whomever I'm leaving out, sorry about that).

I'd like to take this opportunity to say I'm sincerely sorry to anyone right here at SB whose feelings I've ever hurt by something I said. I've never come on here specifically wanting to hurt anybody, but it's all too easy when posting to say something that may sting, and for any and all times I have done that, I truly apologize. In addition, if anything I wrote doing the Blowsvivor episodes rubbed someone the wrong way, even though it was a parody, I'm very sorry!

*Now that I'm the grand prize winner, I can see that I may have acted a tad cutthroat in my ruthless path to sole BlowsVivor, and I am more than happy to sincerely apologize. Just stop trying to get me to share my prize money and buy you all Harleys!!!*

Edited cause the line breaks were in the wrong places. Sigh.

"RE: The value of an apology"
Posted by PepeLePew13 on 09-22-01 at 07:19 AM
yes... what everyone said here in this thresd!

I've always noticed a huge difference between a half-hearted apology just thrown out there and a real, heart-felt apology saying "yes, I messed up, how can I make it up to you?" I have seen apologies on SB that were, at best, half-hearted and right away I didn't get a sense of closure on the issue, while other times I have seen people literally throw themselves at the mercy of all. It's amazing... it's only words but the intent behind the words make all the difference.

Great message, minky... this is a good reminder to all of us, not only for the boards but also IRL. My wife and I always make a point of it to make any apologies heart-felt because otherwise it is hard to carry on the relationship if the other is wondering about exactly what you meant, and we make a point of it to expect the same from our children that they've got to mean it when they say sorry, as well.


"Permit me to introduce myself. I am Pepe Le Pew, your lover."

"RE: The value of an apology"
Posted by Monkeyboy on 09-22-01 at 02:41 PM
If the Talliban and Osama Bin Laden had sent out messages saying
"We didn't do it, but we're very sorry for what happened" can you guess what that would have done for world peace?
Instead, they chose to gloat over the misfortunes of others and rub it in that they were happy about it.

Having a hard heart will get you no sympathy anywhere in the world.

"RE: The value of an apology"
Posted by true on 09-22-01 at 02:52 PM
>Instead, they chose to gloat over
>the misfortunes of others and
>rub it in that they
>were happy about it.


I agree Monkey, fanning the flames only strengthens our resolve.


true

"RE: The value of an apology"
Posted by Ronnet on 09-22-01 at 03:20 PM
I completely agree with MB, Sir, Lady T, AyaK, Sky, Vamp, Art, ItzLisa, OFG, Pepe and True.

<pats the smart little monkey's head and gives him a banana>





"The value of accepting an apology"
Posted by Ronnet on 09-22-01 at 04:52 PM
As important as it is to offer an apology I think it may be even more important to be able to accept an apology. I know if a situation where someone acted very inappropriately, they later apologized. In response, several people told this person the apology was not sincere enough, etc. Maybe apologies should just be accepted by faith and all people just get on with the business of life without rating the level of the apology on a scale of 1 to 10.


The value of forgiveness is forgiving even before someone ask to be forgiven.


"WB Ronnet"
Posted by IceCat on 09-22-01 at 05:08 PM
... nice to see you back and 'getting on with the business of life'. Welcome back.


September 11, 2001
"RE: WB Ronnet"
Posted by Ronnet on 09-22-01 at 05:20 PM
>... nice to see you back
>and 'getting on with the
>business of life'. Welcome
>back.

Thanks IceCat, but I never went away. I'm just not the most avid poster on the block I guess. Been here a year and I still haven't made over 400 post. I'm always the quiet one on the bar too.



"RE: WB Ronnet"
Posted by samiam on 09-22-01 at 07:20 PM
Yeah, quiet, and then she comes out with a zinger that makes you ROFL. It's them quiet ones ya gotta watch out fer. (At least, that's what everyone used to say about ME *grin*)

"RE: The value of accepting an apology"
Posted by true on 09-22-01 at 05:11 PM
Very well said Roni! I agree with you completely.


true

"RE: The value of accepting an apology"
Posted by Ronnet on 09-22-01 at 05:25 PM
Thank you true.

*big hug*


"RE: The value of an apology"
Posted by Dalton on 09-22-01 at 05:57 PM
So OK, Dalton is going to DELIBERATELY take on the "Hard Line Position" in this thread. Bear with me folks and hear me out, please.

Phoney apologies are too quick and only serve to soothe the one's who gives them. (Thus, should be given no notice.)

Sincere apologies are all fine and good ---- BUT, and this is a large BUT:

They MUST be accompanied with a real acknowledgement that the person has LEARNED from the episode and has GROWN by the experience.

AND, this is another large AND:

The person promises that the very SAME BEHAVIOR that caused the need to apologize will NOT CONTINUE into the future.

If there is no basis for good faith that a person WILL NOT CONTINUE to repeat the same pattern of behavior; then all the sincere apologies in the world are for nought.

Dalton

"RE: The value of an apology"
Posted by Pendragon on 09-22-01 at 07:04 PM
The person promises that the very SAME BEHAVIOR that caused the need to apologize will NOT CONTINUE into the future.

I agree with you, Dalton. I think that when we apologize, it is in recognizing that a mistake was made. Not to get all Bibley, but scripture uses the word "repentance" when talking about apologizing. Repentance is a military term that means to do an about face. In other words, we stop doing what it was that got us into trouble int he first place and start going in the right direction.

What we have to be careful of is recognizing that we cannot truly know another human being's heart. Therefore, it is incumbant upon us as human beings to accept apologies when offered.

I mean if we think someone's apology isn't good enough, perhaps we think that the person is not good enough. (At least that is what I learned from watching Veggietales with my three year old today )

"To err is human, to forgive is divine."

I think Mickey Rooney said that. Good Man.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"RE: The value of an apology"
Posted by IceCat on 09-22-01 at 07:31 PM
What we have to be careful of is recognizing
that we cannot truly know another human being's heart.
Therefore, it is incumbant upon us as human beings to
accept apologies when offered.

It is also incumbant upon the person who offered the apology to demonstrate the content of their heart in the form of their subsequent actions.

Apologies should be accepted... and lived up to. Apologies are about the actions and expectations of both parties.

Can we not put this discussion aside now...



September 11, 2001

"RE: The value of an apology"
Posted by samiam on 09-22-01 at 07:26 PM
I don't think I could agree with this more. Thanks, Dalton. And you cannot possibly know how precisely this dovetails with another discussion I'm having somewhere else. Funny, that.

"RE: The value of an apology"
Posted by LadyT on 09-22-01 at 09:45 PM
Amen Sistah!
You rock
GOD BLESS AMERICA
"RE: The value of an apology"
Posted by ItzLisa on 09-23-01 at 09:03 AM
LAST EDITED ON 09-23-01 AT 09:04 AM (EST)

To just simply try and pick up where one left off as though nothing happened never works. The relationships with others would be permanently damaged. The bad feelings remain, unspoken of and unhealed, and things can truly never be the same again.

***I'm supporting Dalton's post and re-quoting myself - I can't emphasize it enough. To me, this is the most important part.

****************************************

"My personality"
Posted by sleeeve on 09-23-01 at 04:50 AM
My response to anger has always been two-fold, and I may as well post about it here...

Basically, I have a short fuse, but a shorter memory.

With the short fuse, if someone pisses me off, I'm usually the first to say it (and usually not very nicely)... then is NOT the time to argue with me, because all of my defenses will go up, and you will only get more anger, no matter how rational or correct that you are.

My short memory... I can honestly say that I forgive and forget really quickly...

This can be both good and bad... usually after the initial outburst, I step back, look at it from the otehr person's point of view... at that point, I'm usually completely unable to hold a grudge, and I usually apologize and make a truce right away...

The bad news is that I really do forget... if someone tells me that I'm forgiven, but holds a grudge, I'm usually the last to know... If I've forgiven you, it's over... if I think you've forgiven me, the same is true... I'll never mention it (or think about it) again.

However, if you're not there when I come to terms with any conflict, usually I will have forgotten about it by the time that I see you again... in other words, I might forget to issue an apology (something that I'm always working on, but not always successful at).

So... my reason for adding to this thread (other than bumping a noteworthy thread):

If I've ever flamed any of you for any reason... believe me that I've already forgotten about it... so if there is anyone on this board that feels that I owe them an apology, consider this it. Whatever it was, I apologize, and I've forgotten about whatever it was. This place is too wonderful for bickering to tear it apart.




You never know what might be up my sleeeve...