Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Missing Pearl Necklace
Previously on Joe Schmo 2: We met Ingrid and Tim, two kids with hearts of gold looking for love in the absolute wrong, yet deliciously funny, place. Ingrid went all Nancy Drew on everyone, looking for that lost chest or something. Tim wondered how Bryce the psycho passed the tests to get on the show. Tim, have you met Jerri? Batty Jan? Toni? Rita the drunk gets, well, “drunk” and misses out on her chance for a pearl necklace. After the tribal council, Ingrid becomes more wary due to the “speeches”, and immediately gets out her fingerprint kit and luminol, determined to break the case. The cast and crew are left scrambling to avoid an early Scooby-Doo cancellation finale.
The scrambling continues as this week’s episode begins. Ideas are flying around the production room like those damn flying roaches on my back porch.
“How could you let this happen? You said she was a blonde, dammit!”
“Well, sir, …”
“Don’t well me son! We need to pull out the big ones on this! Let’s see, how about a challenge involving a boat, some sharks with laser beams on their fricking heads, and a plank, like in that pirate movie.”
“How about we try to just throw interpersonal conflict in, encourage the cast to make sure Ingrid gets served.”
“Ok, but if that fails, I want the sharks. And the fricken laser beams.”
Ambrosia the ##### gets the enviable job of putting Ingrid in her place. The two go to “get a drink”, and Ingrid relishes in the fact that she is the first to have conflict in the house. Wow. I’m impressed. Actually, I’m really impressed with Ambrosia. She passes Ingrid’s lie detector test and we’re taken to our first commercial.
Commercial summary: Eat Taco Bell. Play this cool video game. You can’t always get what you want (C2, Coke’s new Atkins-targeted low carb cola. Save your self the gagging, it sucks). Play a video game anywhere. Rent games from Blockbuster. See the new Michael Moore movie. HDTV is kewl. Bowflex still makes sexy bodies. Ooh, the Godfather uncut.
Back to the show. TJ tells Tim that Bryce the psycho hypnotized him, and the two decide to have some fun, and let Psycho hypnotize them. With a pen. A pen? Wait, did Tim just say Psycho was a feminie hygiene product? Bryce insists that he hypnotized Tim and TJ, and that when they hear a certain phrase, they will feel itchy. The phrase is some type of swimming method.
At dinner, Tim almost wets his pants as he and TJ begin on cue to scratch, and Bryce tries to prove he has hypnotized them to the rest of the folks. Ingrid puts down the blood and hair samples she has collected long enough to laugh till she cries at the notion of Bryce’s belief in the hypnotism.
Bryce plays upset when Tim comes clean about his and TJ’s joke. Ingrid tells them to “let it go”. Good advice, Nancy Drew.
Commercial summary: Not even worth it anymore. They always repeat the same annoying ones.
It’s time for the Falcon Twist. The clue is that someone is going to get “lubed up with some tanning oil” and our loverly host Derek announces that from here on out, there will be exotic trips as prizes. The falcon steals the show, and we are shown a montage of clips depicting the hate-hate relationship between falcon and host.
The group is eating again, and talking about Ingrid’s boobs. And Cammy’s. Well, you can’t talk about boobs on Schmo 2 without bringing up Cammy.
Challenge time. Derek waxes poetic about vegetable oil, and tells the group that the challenge is called “Strike a Pose”. The prize is a trip to Costa Rica. The hamsters have to pick a position out of a purty basket, and maintain that position among distractions. Amazingly, Tim and Ingrid pick the hardest poses. I wonder how that happened? Wait, did Derek just say something about deep sweat and balls? Spike TV is great.
Tim tries to stay focused and in his position while Cammy aka Baskin Robbins bounces her funbags up and down in his face. Surprisingly, he makes it through with no broken bones or contusions, but unfortunately gives up on staying in position.
Oh man. How can I keep this PG-13? Let’s just say Ingrid stays in position amongst talk of fuzz and teabags. Eventually she gives up, and Ambrosia the ##### wins the trip.
Derek takes the group on a date to a winery (fake of course). Derek and Rob get into a pissing contest about their knowledge of wine. Jealousy arupts amongst the girls, according to Ingrid, because of Austin the Bachelor’s extra attention towards Cammy. No, wait, Ingrid’s not jealous (uh huh), she’s concerned about the tension it will cause between the girls. Maybe she should stick to collecting evidence for her conspiracy theories.
Tim tries to make a play for Piper the Bachelorette, but is soon interrupted by Bryce’s profession of love. Tim watches, seemingly amused yet embarrassed by Piper’s interest in Bryce. Back at the girls’ party with Austin, Ingrid suggests a “guess who’s massaging you” game and the girls as well as TJ work their action on Austin’s shoulders. There doesn’t seem to be a winner, or rules from what I can see, but I guess it’s a good excuse to get your hands on some of that Austin meat.
The next activity is stomping grapes. In togas. Austin is still paying attention to Cammy, and Eleanor the Weepy “breaks down” until Austin consoles her. Gerald the Gay asks to wear his aquasocks, as who knows what germs are in the grapes. Especially with some of these peep’s feet. Two words people, pedi-cure. Austin choses Cammy to stomp grapes with him, as Ernie gets wild and shows the world his belly rolls. Piper and Tim crush together in a barrell as Bryce the Psycho watches, causing Tim to worry that he may wake up with a falcon head in his bed.
Eviction time. The group stands somber with the exception of Ingrid, who seems to be either high or laughing at a secret CSI joke in her head. I’m betting on the latter. The men are given enormous candles, and Piper will light the wicks of the staying bachelors. Bryce gives an impassioned plea, complete with sappy poem, as Piper looks on with “teary” eyes. Who will Piper let dip their wick in her flame of love? DJ, Tim, Gerald present their wicks and are lit. Anxiety builds- Bryce or Ernie? After the candles have melted half way down, Piper asks Bryce to present his wick, and Ernie is banished from the house of love.
Our final words are from Ingrid to TJ: “It’s getting a little more real, huh?” If you only knew. But we really don’t want you to know, so stop your snooping!
Next week: Ingrid continues to play Encyclopedia Brown, and the cast and crew continue to scramble.
An IceCat/Mon Cherie Production
My first summary, please be gentle. 
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