Previously, on Joe Schmo…
We met Matt Kennedy Gould, aka Joe Schmo, playing the part of the “unsuspecting hero”, aka the sacrificial puppy who will be humiliated for our viewing pleasure. Better him than me.
We also see pathetic overacting as…
…the actor Playing Gay outlines the rules for scrapbooking. It’s not enough to not touch The Scrapbook with sticky fingers. The Scrapbook is only for Happy Thoughts and Happy Faces. (resisting the urge to gag here)
…Schmo flirts with the actress pretending to be a rich bimbo. We all know that she really is a Typically Unemployed Bimbo (hereafter known as TUB).
…The actor playing the veteran acts like he’s taken one too many mortar shots to the brain and almost blows the secret after the very first game.
…Schmo decides he doesn’t want to do a threesome with the mortar shot man and the grown woman who plays with dolls, freaking out the Production Crew who had scripted that exact scenario.
…Schmo becomes the spine for the Ridiculously Insulting Gay Portrayer (RIG), since the overblown stereotype does not allow for vertebrae.
…Schmo warns The Asshole that he’s, well, an asshole.
…Schmo’s alliance with Gina ends when she is voted off the show for a performance that would make Master Thespian cringe.
Cue cheesy titles. They’re almost as cheesy as the Bacardi and Cola ads that Spike insists on showing 12 times during the show. I may be missing the point, since this is a Network for Men, but I would think most Men would find those ads ridiculous for a drink most people outgrew by the time they could drink legally. Maybe it’s just me.
Production Meeting
While Schmo does his morning confessional, a pasty film covers his nose and mouth. (Sorry, those stupid Bacardi ads involuntarily transported me back to the 70s.) Actually, the rest of the cast is forced into a production trailer for their daily flogging, I mean, acting lessons, I mean, plot to make the Schmo look even more ridiculous. Let’s count the stupid euphemisms used by the production team during this meeting:
- “Get back to real.”
- “Turn up the bitch.”
- “This is a grenade with just one pin.” (As opposed to a "cast" with way too many screws loose.)
- “Dial it back.”
- “It got weird last night.” (Hm, you think? Just because your “Gina” realized she was going back to waiting tables at Stuckey’s and hadn’t had her closeup yet?)
Schmo dreamed his Mom showed up at the mansion. He misses Mommy and Daddy, since this is the longest he’s ever gone without talking to his family. Mr. and Mrs. Gould, I am sorry to report that you’ve reared a Mommy’s Boy who will never leave home. Ever. Give up on that dream of traveling when you retire. And be prepared to look at him at least once a month and say, “What do you think this is, a Holiday Inn?”
The gang gets together for Happy Pictures for The Scrapbook, and to screw up their stories for Schmo again. This time it’s our PseudoVirgin who gets Texas confused with Wisconsin. I understand dear, after all, they have so much in common, such as sucky baseball teams. I’ll make sure I pick up some Texas cheese for my next picnic. PV covers for her blunder by biting her tongue. Make sure you include that on your Emmy reel, along with TUB’s comment that “she has a big tongue”. Wow. As Simon Cowell would say…who’s your acting teacher? Sue her.
Schmo follows PV into the house and nervously begins to speak to her. She assumes he has seen through her pathetic acting. We know he’s not that perceptive, and he quickly explains to her that his nervousness is because he has to be honest about voting for her at the last plate bash. In a complete ripoff from “Paradise Hotel” (and we all know how low that’s stooping), she gets him to pinky swear not to vote for her at the next Plate Bashing Party.
Shall We Play A Game?
The production team shows its incredible sense of humor by dressing up Cheesy Host in a cheesy blue tux. Note to self: make sure to pull out my big brother’s prom picture so I can humiliate him the next time he ticks me off. The game is Battle of the Sexes, and the plan is for the men to lose (DUH). RIG decides to play for the other team because he’s “used to that”. The first team to answer 4 questions wrong loses and has to clean the mansion in their “penalty costumes” while the other team gets pampered.
The questions, answers, and penalty costumes make it painfully obvious that this show is written by 12-year-old boys who had to submit their favorite Dear Penthouse letters to be considered for the job. First we have Mortar Shot Man dressed up as Bo Peep putting his sheparding hook in places where it just don’t belong. Then we have Molly the Cop frisking a bikini clad Ashleigh to “find those drugs”.
We are mercifully spared for a few brief moments to enjoy a commercial break. Suddenly, the Bacardi and Cola actors look Oscar-worthy to me. And my biggest laugh of the night was at the life alert ad with Dr. Schnitman. Schnitman. That name just makes me laugh. Hee hee. Schnitman.
And we’re back to the game, where we’re forced to see Schmo in a schoolgirl costume getting spanked. Thanks for the closeup shots of his ass. Luckily, I had finished eating dinner before I watched the show. After finding out that Schmo would like some dirty talk with Oprah (please don’t make me go there), farmer Ashleigh picks a peach from the flaky doc’s cleavage.
But just when I think it can’t get any worse, they make The Asshole massage Mortar Shot Man’s jungle rot, scabby, rancid feet. After that goes on way too long (damn you, Cheesy Host, for enjoying your job too much!), we then are treated to Schmo’s Bud eating a carrot strategically placed between Schmo’s knees. Between the crotch shot, the comments (“I don’t swallow”), and the flecks of carrot flying everywhere, I have officially reached the point of Grossed Out Beyond Words. Must go to Happy Place. Schnitman. Hee hee hee. Schnitman.
Surprise, surprise, the girls win, leaving the boys to clean the mansion in their penalty costumes. The actors are stunned that Schmo actually wants to clean, and he tries to keep the others from pulling pranks like short-sheeting. Bud smells Comet everywhere, while The Asshole takes Polaroids of his butt for The Scrapbook. We are also treated to another great random comment taken out of context: “Do you know how to do it, Earl?”
Scrapbooking For Bad Actors
If you’ve watched Spike for more than 2.3 minutes, you’ve seen the clip of RIP going way over the top acting-wise in a way that hasn’t been seen on television, since, well, last week’s Gina debacle. (And for those of you keeping score at home, that was the worst since Nikki graced “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here”.)
As The Asshole confesses, Schmo gets really, really pissed off. The Asshole explains in a confessional that he feared for his safety. (What, were you expecting someone from SAG to try and forcibly remove the SAG card from your wallet for being involved in this train wreck? Your fate is much worse – you’ve been doomed to UPN with Loni Anderson as your mama.) Meanwhile, RIG and the Doc are off in a bedroom laughing their asses off. Later, RIG proves what a “caring person” he is by hugging The Asshole.
Psycho-Analysis
What’s the best thing to do after witnessing a fake fight? Talk about it with a fake doctor, of course. Schmo eagerly volunteers to go, where he confesses an inability to breathe. (That explains so much. Oxygen deprivation.) After she puts him through some exercises meant to look silly and humiliating but weren’t, thanks to way too many talk show shrinks pushing self-help books, he says that he is “a believer in Dr. Pat”.
My Dinner With Nutcases
After a touching prayer where The Asshole apologizes for being, well, The Asshole, it’s time for everyone’s favorite dinner party game, Show Your Lame Excuse For Talent. If I’m completely unimpressed, it’s because like the TUB, I can stick my entire fist in my mouth. (Insert big mouth joke here, I can take it.) Seriously, ask all of my nephew’s friends who watched me do it at a Japanese steakhouse. If only her parents are half as proud as mine were that day.
Then our Cheesy Host gives our little band of community theater rejects a present – his head shot. He even includes cheesy inscriptions to help create the impression that he has a crush on PV, while the TUB sulks because she’s supposed to have a crush on him. I think she’s sulky because she has to pretend to like someone as lame as our Ralphie Boy, Cheesy Host. Since he loves bitches that pout, Schmo cops a feel on the way out of the dining room.
Coming up on The Joe Schmo Show…Schmo cries! Whoa Nellie, did he find out that his parents rented out his room while he was gone?
Boiled Contestant Soup
After dinner, it’s time for Celebrity Wannabe Hot Tub Party! RIP celebrates having some alone time with 2 bikini clad girls who realize their only future in acting will probably be in porn, so they show him how they can stroke the teddy bear, ifyouknowwaddamean. RIG says that “if you feel something, it’s the chlorine autometer”, and admits that he can’t get out of the pool. Acting talents, schmacting talents…let’s just say the game is definitely up if he gets out of the hot tub.
Now it’s time for everyone’s second favorite party game, Kiss the Ugly Frog and Act Like You Have a Soul. The object of the game is to put one person in the middle of the hot tub, fart, and blame them. No, you have to just say nice stuff while all of you shrivel up like prunes.
I’ll start.
…Dr. P, since the acting thing probably isn’t going to work out, you could make a boatload of money as a talk show shrink.
…Mortar Shot Man, you do a great job of portraying someone with Alzheimers’. You are so convincing, dude.
…Asshole, if you wish with all of your heart, you may graduate from UPN to the world of late night informercials.
…RIG, your portrayal of a gay man is definitely a unifying force in the gay community…to hunt you down and string you up.
…PseudoVirgin, you did a much better job of covering up your blooper than Mortar Shot Man did. Biting your tongue was a great idea – keep chewing, and you might be able to cut all of the way through.
…TUB, you are a very convincing bitch. I’m sure there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for that.
…Bud, way to go writing Gina off on the first show! You definitely zeroed in on the biggest liability, and that’s no easy task amidst these Definitely Not Ready For Prime-Time Players.
…Schmo, you’ve made me laugh so hard, I’m sure I’m shedding pounds.
We get to see everyone put their fists in the center, ready for the pregame prayer before taking on the gang from Paradise Hotel in the reality show Battle of the Human Race Rejects as we hear Matt saying that this is one of the best days of his life. Since he is a pizza delivery boy living in his parents’ house in Pittsburgh, I realize he’s sadly telling the truth. However, our Cheesy Host tells us that Schmo will soon face one of the worst days of his life, and that the show is in jeopardy. (You wish, Cheesy Host. This show won’t even be included on a trivia challenge on Yahoo!)
Then the credits roll…
WTF???? Where’s the Pimpin’ Immunity Robe? Where’s the Plate Breaking Ceremony? Have I again been conned into summarizing a non-elimination episode? I have set a freakin’ record for writing non-elimination episodes!!!! Curse you, AyaK!!!! Are you working for the Joe Schmo producers to set me up? I’ll never trust a lawyer again! Oh, Schnitman.
Life is a game where we make up the rules as we go along.
"I gotta stop hanging out with dogs."
Your style is appreciated Bebo.
WHEEZE...says, "ask yourself--W.W.W.D.?" What Would Wheezus Do?
