Alex’s Farewell:Amanda: Hello, guests. The Parasite Hotel show seems to be in a dull downward spiral, and the only drama is coming from the producers who are throwing wild promises at FOX like an over-extended gambler on crystal meth pleading with his bookie for more credit. Still, I’m supposed to tell you that it’s been an interesting week . . . and pray that the Emmy nominating committee sees how I’m trying to create some excitement during my limited screen time. (BEAT) Scott, come stand next to me.
(SCOTT WALKS OVER TO AMANDA’S SIDE.)
Amanda (CONTINUED): Scott, this week you’ve won immunity. However, it seems that the word “immunity” has been copyrighted by some reality show that strands its contestants on a primitive island without room service or an open bar. So I have to use the much more awkward phrase, “spared from elimination” to describe how we have “jury-rigged” this part of the game. (FLUSTERED) Did I just say “jury”? I must have that other show on my mind for some reason.
Scott: I really appreciate –
Amanda (INTERRUPTING HIM): Right. Anyway, we’re going to use this predictable format where each of the ladies names the one man she wants to send home. Then there’s this long pause when we come back from commercial. I repeat everything I said two minutes earlier, and then Tara names Alex as the latest escapee, uhhm, I mean person forced to leave Parasite Hotel.
(DISSOLVE TO ALEX AFTER TARA NAMES HIM AND BREAKS THE 2-2 TIE.)
Alex: Charla’s nice and everything, but she’s not as innocent as she looks.
Charla (OUTRAGED): Me? Not innocent? Three jury trials and no convictions, pal. You don’t get much more innocent than that.
Alex: Holly’s nice and I almost had a three-way with her and Tara before Scott showed up, so it was fun meeting her. And I’m going to skip over Desiree because there are no Black people in Arizona and I don’t know what I could say about her that won’t get me in trouble with somebody.
Desiree: You got that right.
Alex: Amy’s one of the Originals and I said I’d vote for the Originals even if I was the last one left, so as stupid as that sounds, I have to like her. Besides, she seems to have found the right mix for her Valium, Percocet, Darvon and the alcohol. I mean, she hasn’t gone psycho on anyone but Keith for a couple of days now.
(CLOSEUP OF AMY AS SEVERAL MEXICAN MONARCH BUTTERFLIES SWOOP IN, TRYING TO MATE WITH HER GARISH BLUE EYESHADOW. HER HANDS AND ARMS ARE A BLUR AS SHE FRANTICALLY SWATS AT HER OWN FACE.)
Alex (CONTINUED): What can I say about Tara? Besides being easier than fooling Zack with “52 pickup” more than a dozen times, she’s real nice. And by “nice”, I mean easy.
Tara: All I did was lick whipped cream off your chest, let you grab my a$$ on national TV, and installed a “Take A Number” machine over my bed. You have a lot of nerve calling me easy.
Amanda: Alex, what are you going to miss the most when you leave Parasite Hotel?
Alex: I’m going to miss having the freedom to eat, swim, and drink whenever I want. And I’m really going to miss the opportunity to sleep with all of the girls here on a regular basis. (PAUSE) But according to the hotel doctor, I shouldn’t miss taking my antibiotic shots twice a day. One of these girls gave me a really nasty rash.
ALEX TURNS, WAVES GOODBYE AND EXITS PARADISE HOTEL “FOREVER”, WHICH FOX HAS DEFINED AS A TIME PERIOD RANGING FROM ONE DAY TO TWO WEEKS.
I thought Alex fans would be all over this.
His real goodbye speech was so heartfelt and "aw shucks" that I almost believed that I had misjudged him. Then he returned and became a double dealing Alpha Hotel (a-hole) again.At least he ran away and vomited when Toni tried to jump him in bed.
See? I can say something nice about him if I think really hard.
There are no Alex fans...
Ahh, it is all becoming clear to me now.
RollDice...I applaud the stuff you come up with. It's hilarious and probably right on the head with these guests. However, as I said in your first thread, I think that had you put these under a single thread, it would probably have gotten more response. While everyone has an opinion good or bad about each of the guests I doubt everyone feels as strongly about one over another and given an opportunity to comment on them as a whole rather than as individuals your posts would probably have generated more discussion.You should seriously consider writing some episode summaries. I know that some people have signed up to do them but they may be another month or so in coming. I'd welcome an unofficial summary and I bet most others here would too.
I guess my thought process was that some of the Farewells are sort of long and people wouldn't read one after another -- they would just go to their favorite "guest".But thank you so much for the compliment, I'm truly flattered.
The only problem is that I've read Shakes the Clown's "I'm In Love With A Male Model" and I see where the bar has been set.
However, I'd be happy to help Shakes or anyone else if they are writing any unofficial summaries.
If you know anyone who would appreciate any of these Farewells (Toni, Beau, Kristin, Alex) please steer them this way.
I think everyone would enjoy a summary regardless if it's official or not. I know that I've missed parts of the last two shows and to have someone recrap (i meant to spell it that way) the show sooner rather than later would be nice. We've been getting more rants than anything lately and for those who are not watching or just missing the show, there's probably a lot that they're missing out on here.I couldn't write my way out of a paper bag but you seem to have the trick so I'd say why dont you start with last nights or any of the others that haven't been summarized yet.
I think everyone would enjoy a summary regardless if it's official or not.Absolutely! As someone who has forced many a summary on this community, let me assure you that unofficial summaries are definitely welcome here. Go for it!
There used to be a summary sign up thread on this forum too, but it's probably buried under 200 Zach threads by now...
Life is a game where we make up the rules as we go along.
Thank you for your confidence in my abilities -- or your absolute willingness to throw me to the wolves.Although I'm an Olympic Gold Medalist as a Procrastinator and writing a summary is a huge time commitment, I just don't know. With P-Ho drawing to a close, do you think anyone would be interested?
And just so there is no confusion whatsoever, I think Shakes The Clown is the Gold Standard of Summary writers.
"Although I'm an Olympic Gold Medalist as a Procrastinator and writing a summary is a huge time commitment, I just don't know. With P-Ho drawing to a close, do you think anyone would be interested?"The answer is a resounding YES...I think Shakes last summary of Love Cruise came nearly a year after the show was over but everyone still enjoyed it. I myself just went back before TIT-ee came on this year and reread all the summaries from last years rendition.
Okay, I guess I'm not a Reality Show fanatic.
What the h3ll is "TIT-ee"? (as a red-blooded American male, it sounds interesting to me)
Temptation Island Three...I dont even watch the show..I just catch up with through the summaries and posts on this site.
CantStandToLook wrote: I couldn't write my way out of a paper bag but you seem to have the trick so I'd say why dont you start with last nights or any of the others that haven't been summarized yet.
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It's no trick. I remember reading a good quote about writing. I don't remember the author, but he said something like this:"Writing is easy. You just stare at the blank computer screen until small drops of blood form on your forehead."
Now, I wouldn't say I work *that* hard, but it does take some time and energy. That's why I marvel at Shakes sitting down and knocking out a 2 episode summary.
So, is someone summarizing this past week or next's?
I'd take a stab at it if you guys ok me, ( within in a day or 2, I do have Monday's ep taped and I have pneumonia, so...)
but i can't promise that it would be all that funny, but I can be somewhat biting.Angelfood
LAST EDITED ON 09-12-03 AT 02:38 AM (EST)Angelfood -
If you like, we can work on it together. That way we can give it a "fite -ing" (funny and biting) edge and you can take it easy with the pneumonia.
If that sounds like a good idea (and with your fever it might), leave a message here and I'll give you my email addy.
"Angelfood and RollDdice: making Paradise a safer place"
(But if you want to take it alone, that's okay too.)
LAST EDITED ON 09-21-03 AT 03:59 AM (EST)Just for the record, I eventually did break down and write a 9/17 Summary (and Angelfood wrote two of her own). They are all in her thread, "9/17 Birthday Episode Summary & Discussions" and worth reading for anyone who wants a good laugh.
(Obviously, I am complimenting Angelfood and not my own work. The "giggle-osity" of my effort is for you to decide, using your own laugh meters.)
