That’s right, all torches on Extinction Island are to be extinguished. And since fire means life, or so they would have you believe, the survivors who have been banished to Extinction Island will be mercifully shot, macheted into bite sized pieces, and fed to Ralph, Louie, Samantha, and Aurora, pet reef sharks brought in to keep the surrounding waters clean and tidy. Well, Aurora is actually a contestant on Survivor Island, a lesbian divorce lawyer (wild guess, but I think that most of her clients are from the female side of her cases?) who hates slow walkers, and occasionally likes to mingle in the surf with the other sharks. Hello, it is I Buzzard Island Basher Barry, here with the latest breaking news. A complaint was lodged with the local Fijian authorities that a number of uninvited immigrants have been showing up on Extinction Island without visas, passports, or the funds that the government requires all visitors to have in order to enter their sovereign territory. Also, they have been charged with indecent exposure, pooping in the sand, evil stares (Reem), and crying like sissy babies. The penalty for these transgressions is quite harsh. But as travel experts always tell anyone who intends to travel to foreign countries, you are subject to the local laws, and all the embassy (if there is one) can do is visit you in jail and hold your hand up to the moment it is chopped off.
These criminals really should have known better and not gone all “we’re American Citizens, Dammit, and you should kiss our asses instead of disrespecting us by insisting that we follow your laws. We spit on your laws”. That was a mistake. But in all fairness, they were just following the example of our supreme leader who is a self-proclaimed foreign policy genius. As it turns out that might not have been the best thing.
Ralph was elected to present this week’s Super Spoilers, bite by bite.
Ralph’s Buzzard Island Spoiler Bite #1; Comments posted on Shark Twitter:
Ralph, “Keith was too soft”
Louie, “Reem was too hard”
Samantha “Wendy was just right”
Aurora, “Ladies, my shingle’s out, and so am I”
Ralph’s Buzzard Island Spoiler Bite #2; In the TC gallery front row we have a rare “Gape Mouthed Gargoyle Aubrey”.
Ralph’s Buzzard Island Spoiler Bit #3; Even rarer we have a “Smiling Reem”. Scientists are baffled that this animal, thought to be mythical, actually exists.
Ralph’s Buzzard Island Spoiler Bite #4; Ron still thinks TC is a board meeting.
Ralph’s Buzzard Island Spoiler Bite #5; So, you put Survivors in a blender at week 8 TC, turn it on puree, and everybody (almost) somehow agrees to vote out Julia. It is simply amazing that after three days of careful negotiation and reasoned debate that it takes a wild free-for-all for these survivors to come together. It’s like throwing a bucketful of Legos up in the air and having them spontaneously form the Space Shuttle.
Ralph’s Buzzard Island Spoiler Bite #6; Quote of the week, Gavin - “Extinction Island is the Great Slowdown”.
Ralph’s Buzzard Island Spoiler Bite #7; Once again, Warthog is the first to drop out of the challenge of the week.
Ralph’s Buzzard Island Spoiler Bite #8; Someone has slipped Gavin a load of SPF 100 “White Boy of the Month Crème".
Ralph’s Buzzard Island Spoiler Bite #9; So, big secret is out, David poops in the surf with sharks. Which tells us something in regard to the size of his “bait” that he might not realize that he is telling us. But, it also tells us that he has some big cahones to be willing to dangle said bait in front of sharks, myopic as they may luckily (for him) be.
Buzzard Island Basher Barry