LAST EDITED ON 01-03-08 AT 03:17 PM (EST)

And now that the official cast announcement has been made, let the bashing of the boomerangs begin. Oh, and if given any opportunity to do so, please consider shooting the casting department in the other foot. We can hold back on going after the newbies for a little while, at least until it becomes apparent that MB managed to cast ten people who could describe themselves as fans while still having no idea how to play the game (or until someone else finds a picture and posts it, whichever comes first -- yes, that's meant as a hint) -- but attacking established targets is an immediate joy. And look what we have to work with!

All the Survivors they could have chosen, and we're getting (using the numbering on the image):

11 — Cirie Fields, 37, Survivor: Panama

Apparently what she's really afraid of is not having any cameras in her life. And her husband's also started to get a little itchy about having her around since his second-class household status came out on national television. Y'do realize we're looking at a F4 contestant again, right? Does just enough in challenges to justify sticking around during tribal, isn't seen as much of a threat in the individual stage until people hit the Jury Dump panic button and that's when she shows her alliance cards... 'Cast me! I've got a free pass! And I promise to act cute around leaves! Plus I still have no idea how to choose challenge outfits!'

12 — Jonathan Penner, 45, Survivor: Cook Islands

So what does a mild talent for sarcasm get you? The narrator role. And does this tribe need one? Well, let's see. Cirie doesn't start talking until midgame, no one wants to hear from Jon, Ozzy just grunts occasionally, Parvati won't talk to you unless you're cute, James talks to the idols and the idols talk only to God -- you get the idea. We need someone in the group who can communicate what's going on. That means Jonathan's back. And that's it. That's the only reason. He can narrate and he's the only person here who can be counted on not to drop into third person, so he's returning. And this is despite the fact that barely anyone remembers who he is. Including himself. Well, it could have been worse: they could have found the Palau phone numbers and contacted that James for the job...

13 — Amanda Kimmel, 23, Survivor: China

It's like this.

The man who edits in the blurs really needs the overtime.

14 — James Clement, 30, Survivor: China

Oh, lovely. What was the theme of the original A.S.S, boys and girls? 'People don't learn anything and are incapable of change.' And what's MB going to cast for the second version? People who can't learn anything and are incapable of change. So with that in mind, I am now making the fearless prediction that James becomes the first person in series history to be voted out while sitting on three Immunity idols. Might as well just pass them over to him on Day One. After all, as long as he's got them, you know they're not going to be used, and as long as they're not used, you're safe...

15 — Ozzy Lusth, 26, Survivor: Cook Islands

Gosh, do you think we'll see any water-based challenges in this setting? Do ya, do ya, huh-huh-huh? And do you think Ozzy might dominate them again, especially given that his hair has now been reconfigured to be more hydrodynamic? Sure, he could start winning all over the place! And do you think that given his individual challenge skills plus his willingness to throw tribal ones so he can get rid of people, someone will push the long-dusty Hunter Panic Button (right below the Jury Dump) and get rid of him early? I sure do!

16 — Yau-Man Chan, 55, Survivor: Fiji

Well, we all know this isn't going to work. What happened last time? No one really saw him as a mental threat until he started thinking and we all know the group didn't perceive him as a challenge threat until he started winning them. And what's going to happen this time? He'll come in, the others will take one look at him, and the group non-thought will go like this: He wins challenges, he finds idols, and he's probably not willing to trade out his next truck. We'd better vote him out before the clues reach critical mass. Two Councils. Maybe three. The Yau-Man, it does nothing!

17 — Eliza Orlins, 25, Survivor: Vanuatu

No one ever asked this particular non-FAQ, but I'll say it here: she was never a model for Alex. A constant mental refrain of 'I'm not safe' is just about the only thing those two have in common: the intellectual and physical differences go on for days. Why is Eliza here? 'fans vs. favorites'. Who is Eliza a favorite of, exactly? Does someone in the casting department have an unexpressed crush? We needed someone who could do eye stunts and Courtney wasn't available? One other returnee passed over a bribe to get this one in her direct sights? The bikini quota wasn't filled? Eliza has about as much reason to be here as -- well -- anyone else. Possibly less. And as such, you know what that means: here's the winner!

18 — Jon Dalton 33, Survivor: Pearl Islands

What a beautiful specimen of manhood. Put the hood over his head, then cover the rest of his body with a larger one, and then bring out the ax. Why is Jon here? Because Jeff hates him. And as such, until Jon goes out, expect him to be the focus of every challenge. 'Normally, we'd ask you to bury treasure. But this time -- Dalton, come stand over here...' It's going to be a race to see if he quits because he's exhausted, he becomes too injured to continue, or he realizes he can't possibly win the show and quits just to screw up production. He may never see a vote cast against him. He might not even reach the first Council. And given that we now know that all his moves pretty much svck, let's hope he tries to execute the Really Awards quit...

19 — Parvati Shallow, 25, Survivor: Cook Islands

And now we go to the other fictional season -- but this one's going to be transitioned into reality. Watch out, Zoidberg: the flirting is about to begin. People don't learn, and this one's only known strategy is to pick someone who might find her attractive and start linking up in as many directions as she remember. Which may actually wind up including 'towards the contestant directly below me, because I'll take what I can get and she'll be all confused after seeing Eliza again.' Parvati will flirt with her own tribe. The opposing tribe. Jeff. The challenge staff. The idol. The sling spear. (You really don't want details on the sling spear.) And it'll be all she does -- unless you want to count proving that once again, she's the most appropriately-named Survivor ever. Hey, think she'd be interested in dating an Average Joe?

20 — Ami Cusack, 34, Survivor Pearl Islands

Well, this should be interesting. 'I came out to forge a female alliance once. That didn't work. I came out to win a million dollars once. That didn't work. I came out to kill Eliza -- oops. Sorry. That really should have been future tense.' Forget about alliances, plots, and idol usage: Ami may go straight for the throat and hang on until production pries her fingers off their target. (And given that, we can only hope Jon gets in the way.) What has Ami learned? Probably not much. But she does have a working memory -- and it brings up the question of whether certain contestants will wind up with working hearts...

Ten returnees. Thirty-nine days. No one you even remotely care about. It's Survivor: Half-A.S.Sed: We're Totally Out Of Ideas! And Bullets!

Can the fan tribe possibly be an improvement?

Why do we even ask these questions...?

• RE: Survivor: Half-A.S.Sed: the casting department shoots themselves in the foot.,michel, 01:30 PM, 01-03-08
• Tale of the Tape: Burnett's Half A.S.S. vs. Zoidberg's Full Moon,Colonel Zoidberg, 02:44 PM, 01-03-08
• I can't save a Flash picture...,Estee, 03:03 PM, 01-03-08
  • #5!!!!!!!!,aquariaqueen, 03:27 PM, 01-03-08
    • RE: #5!!!!!!!!,jbug, 11:37 AM, 01-07-08
    • RE: #5!!!!!!!!,Thaibeach, 03:21 PM, 01-08-08
  • Here you go,Snidget, 08:09 PM, 01-03-08
    • Is... that... your... identity?,Estee, 08:45 AM, 01-04-08
    • RE: Here you go,J Slice, 10:28 AM, 01-06-08
      • RE: Here you go,Dakota, 01:09 PM, 01-12-08
      • RE: Here you go,Estee, 01:27 PM, 01-12-08
        • RE: Here you go,Dakota, 02:16 PM, 01-13-08
• Ozzy?,jbug, 11:44 AM, 01-07-08
  • RE: Ozzy?,PepeLePew13, 04:17 PM, 01-09-08
    • RE: Ozzy?,Spanky68, 09:33 AM, 01-10-08
• RE: Survivor: Half-A.S.Sed: the casting department shoots themselves in the foot.,Aruba, 12:23 PM, 01-15-08
  • RE: Survivor: Half-A.S.Sed: the casting department shoots themselves in the foot.,Snidget, 12:32 PM, 01-15-08
  • RE: Survivor: Half-A.S.Sed: the casting department shoots themselves in the foot.,vince3, 12:32 PM, 01-15-08
  • RE: Survivor: Half-A.S.Sed: the casting department shoots themselves in the foot.,CTgirl, 01:54 PM, 01-15-08
    • RE: Survivor: Half-A.S.Sed: the casting department shoots themselves in the foot.,Aruba, 07:53 PM, 01-17-08
  • RE: Survivor: Half-A.S.Sed: the casting department shoots themselves in the foot.,Colonel Zoidberg, 04:50 PM, 01-15-08
    • RE: Survivor: Half-A.S.Sed: the casting department shoots themselves in the foot.,Aruba, 08:01 PM, 01-17-08
      • RE: Survivor: Half-A.S.Sed: the casting department shoots themselves in the foot.,byoffer, 01:17 PM, 01-18-08

The season hasn't started yet and it'll probably be another twist that bombs but, judging from your post, it should be the best season ever for bashers!

Fairplay tried to copy Ozzy's "hydrodynamic" hairstyle!!!!
Parvati's bikini shows off all of her strategy.
Eliza standing as far away from Ami as possible.
Cirie standing back, probably already thinking that she's joined a bunch of numbskulls.

I'll start off by saying this much - a full six of Burnett's choices overlap with my own selections. Two of Burnett's casting selections wouldn't have made it on my season simply because they were on China, which, in Zoidberg's universe, didn't happen yet. But not to worry. I have something in mind for it. You'll see what, if I ever get my cast interviews written.

I'll re-visit this after the Micronesia season is finished, but for now, let's see what we're both working with.

What we both did:
We seem to have Cirie, Jonathan, Ozzy, Yau-Man, Parvati, and Ami in common. Five of those are good choices. I'll let you decide which of them doesn't belong - and which one I included only because, frankly, it was her or Candice and I picked the one who made my skin crawl less.
We also seem to have 20 Survivors in two tribes. Not sure what the names or color schemes of the tribes are, but judging by the so-called Favorites' attire, I'm guessing blue will be the tribe color. Frankly, anything's an improvement over Fati silver.

The apparent stars of the season:
Burnett: James, Fairplay, and Ami, with a little Cirie thrown in for good measure. Jonathan doesn't shut up, and Ozzy scares the living dung out of people. Parvati tries to seduce Jeff, and Julie runs out and beats her with the immunity idol, assuming Colby doesn't do it first.
Zoidberg: The star of my season was from my own creation, although, to be fair, he lost to Ozzy and was punk'd by the Guatemala winner, who actually did the impossible - make Fairplay look non-repulsive by comparison.
Advantage: Zoidberg - let's see Fairplay pull Danni's lie

Just what the hell are they doing in the cast, anyway?
Burnett: Lowest finisher was 7th on their season, highest was 2nd. As long as you think Amanda and Eliza were actually useful and that James' commentary was funny, they all belong.
Zoidberg: Lowest finisher was 8th on their season but had the convenient excuse of being medivac'd due to a heart attack. I cast six - yes, I said six previous winners. If you thought Parvati knew anything, Twila was a game player, and Danielle wasn't an annoying turd, then there wasn't anyone who didn't belong.
Advantage: Zoidberg again - let's see Burnett get 20 people who belong and not just 10

Most likely feud:
Burnett: Jonathan vs. Eliza to see who can go the longest without shutting up. Fairplay vs. Ami to see if either can avoid smashing the other's head through a tree. Amanda vs. Parvati to see who can be a bigger ho.
Zoidberg: Let's see...Ami got into it pretty good with Maria from my season. And since I was writing the story, Maria won. Also, I highly doubt anyone matching Paula's tirade against Danni at the final TC.
Advantage: Burnett - but only if Fairplay gets thrown through a tree

Who can actually win?
Burnett: Jonathan's too obnoxious, Amanda's a pants-wetting panic bunny, James wouldn't have known when to use the idol even if Burnett himself walked into Tribal and told him, "Use an idol, you bald-headed, brain-dead Michael Jordan look-alike!", Yau-Man got punk'd by Dreamz, of all people, Eliza's likely to wear her vocal cords out before final TC, Fairplay...next question, Parvati would prefer a date with Ozzy over a million dollars, and if she wouldn't, she'll lay the flirting on so thick that, by the time the final TC ends, she'll convince herself she would, and Ami will have a bit of a chip on her shoulder. That leaves Cirie and Ozzy.
Zoidberg: Ozzy voted out his most trusted ally, was completely worthless in the first four challenges, and failed on two golden opportunities to oust a rival with an idol. Yet, after that, he played a nearly perfect game. If he wins Micronesia, I can honestly say I called it first.
Advantage: Zoidberg - come on now. Ozzy should win.

Potential for absurdity:
Burnett - Well, Parvati's in the cast, and so is Fairplay.
Zoidberg - Parvati took her flirting to the extreme by flirting with - wait for it - a female.
Advantage: Push - hopefully Danny Bonaduce is involved in a challenge

Bonuses:
Burnett - TEN ALL NEW CASTAWAYS! WHO ARE ACTUALLY FANS OF THE SHOW! YAY! And I'll stop typing in all caps now.
Zoidberg - All the special features and insight included with the show, including the disaffected ramblings of a collegiate hockey player who's madly in love with a real Survivor.
Advantage: Push - Ten wannabe DAWs vs. ten real DAWS? Or sixteen real DAWs and four fictional DAWs? What's the difference? None of them has any real chance of becoming an actual human being, anyway.

We'll see what kind of insanity permeates this season in four months.

...but I can direct you to it: get your first full look at the Fans tribe at http://www.ew.com/ew/article/0,,20168991_2,00.html

Oh my gosh, I thought player #5 was Leif Garrett's grandson!!!

An ice cream scooper? An ice cream scooper?
An ice cream scooper ?


Agman