LAST EDITED ON 03-15-04 AT 11:40 PM (EST)

Official A.S.S. Episode 7 Summary: The Cheese Stands Alone

Mogo Mogo - Day 19

We open with scenes of birds. Beautiful, colorful birds. Happy, happy birds.

Abruptly, we are ripped from this charming montage to images of Jerri first thing in the morning. Filthy, disheveled Jerri. Bitchy, bitchy Jerri.

Jerri: Oh my god. <click>

Shii Ann: Jerri bitches all day long. Bitch, bitch, bitch. She complains all the time. I just hate that.

Kathy appears to agree, but can’t get a word in edgewise.

Shii Ann: I know every single thought in her brain because it’s coming out of her mouth. Talk, talk, talk. She talks all the time. I just hate that.

Kathy: Jerri is not so much a bad seed as an annoying seed. And when you plant an annoying seed, you end up with a big pain-in-the-ass tree covered in irksome flowers and irritating leaves. Which pretty much describes this tribe.

Interspersed throughout these comments are shots of Jerri yawning. Thank goodness there is no “Smell-O-Vision”, because I can almost see the stench emitting from her gaping maw. As a matter of fact, I can see it coming up through her esophagus, she opens her mouth so damn wide.

Colby: Jerri hasn’t changed one iota since Australia. I don’t think she’s changed her bikini bottoms, either. Ewww. But that’s okay, because I know that Jerri is not going to win this game.

Oh please oh please oh please do NOT let this be the “Key Confessional.” Oh my god. <click>

Kathy and Shii Ann splash about in the water and make fun of Jerri.

Kathy: (mock Southern accent) Ah sweah, that woman is such a beeyotch!

They laugh with delight as we see Jerri alone on the beach. Ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha!

Kathy: I love slam-dunkin‘ people.

Wow, Kathy, yeah, that was just hilarious. Scathing wit with impeccable comic timing. Gee, you should take your show on the road. Maybe you’ll get a chance to later in the episode.

We see Jerri again, with the girls’ mocking laughter ringing in her ears, and we almost feel sorry for her. Hey, I said “almost.” Oh, who am I kidding, it wasn’t even close.

Jerri: My strategy of being the non-threatening, zen-like, easygoing Jerri who is just here to have fun is working.

Uh, Jerri - next time, stay away from the green acid. The green acid is bad.

Chapera

They have tree mail! It’s a puzzle! It’s for immunity! Is it a merge? Why is it an IC already?

I’ll tell you why. If they don’t have the damn IC right away, somebody else is likely to quit first. MB no likey when people mess up his nice plans.

Rupert: If Ethan is their best diver, we’ve got them whooped hands down. If there is any running or knot untying involved, though, I’m not so sure.

Jenna: Ethan is strong in the challenges but he FREAKS…OUT!

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

Jiffy greets them, and describes the multi-part challenge. Really, you’d think they start making these things simpler, given JP’s tendency to blow calls.

We then hear a lengthy description of the big reward - a day off the island, lots of food, and an open bar. If the competition was decided by who can open their mouth the widest and make the most disgusting noises, Jerri would win. Finally, a strategy that would work for her.

Jiffy: Worth playing for? Don’t answer yet! This is also for immunity! Sound good? But wait, there’s more! Winning tribe gets to pick a member of the opposing team to join them for the reward and be safe from the vote. Also, that person is not allowed to quit.

Time for the challenge!

They line up on their platforms, and Boston Rob uses the boat as a launching pad. What’s this, Rob has outsmarted the other tribe AGAIN? Jeez, I hope he does something really stupid later in the episode.

Entertaining moments:

-The creatively awkward belly flops executed by most of the ASSes.

-Jenna can’t untie her puzzle piece and she FREAKS…OUT! (well, not really, but wouldn’t it have been funny if she had?)

-Jiffy’s voiceover “Amber heading back, Lex on her tail” and we see a shot of Amber from behind with wide-open legs. That Beaver, Pennsylvania joke just won’t go away.

-Ethan breaks a paddle and he FREAKS…OUT! (well, not really, but maybe he should have, since this might have spelled their doom.)

On to the next leg, and Ethan races into the jungle with a big, big, big, big, big lead (but not a “huge” lead). He starts to work on his knots, and Rob joins him. Next thing we see is Rob running out first, with a big, big lead (but not a big, big, big, big, big lead.)

So what happened in the jungle to cause Ethan to fall behind? We weren’t shown, but here are some theories:

-Rob pounced on Ethan from behind and sucker-punched him while he was down.

-Rob asked for help untying his knots, and nice-guy Ethan lent him a hand.

-Rob tauntingly described things that Amber was doing to him that she never did to Ethan, and Ethan FREAKED…OUT!

Whatever the case, Ethan lost the lead and the boats head out for the last leg. And look, Mogo Mogo has caught up, even taken a slight lead! Maybe Ethan’s screw-up won’t cost them the victory after all! But wait - why is Shii Ann rowing with her paddle upside down? Oh, it’s the paddle that Ethan broke - and Mogo Mogo careens madly off-course to a crushing defeat, while Chapera glides straight for the dock and an uproarious victory celebration.

Chapera huddles up to discuss who to pick from Mogo Mogo. Everyone seems to be talking at once, but finally it’s Rob who announces, “We’ll take Kathy.”

Why Kathy? Does Rob think he can get her drunk and trick her into spilling tribal secrets, like he did in Marquesas? Pretty smart, if so - and jeez, now I need him to do two stupid things later in the episode.

Anyway, Kathy looks properly subdued and chagrined at being selected, and slinks over to the other platform. She deftly avoids a hug from Big Tom, and is embraced by the rest of Chapera. She allows herself a smile only when she is sure Mogo Mogo can’t see it.

Jiffy: By the way, here comes the Quit Boat!* Ha ha just kidding, it’s a 94 foot luxury yacht for the winners! Losers, you get to swim home. See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya.

*Shout out to Wheezy!

On the Yacht

Author’s note: My tape started a few minutes after coming back from commercial, so if anything joke-worthy happened then, feel free to make your own.

Kathy looks comfortable and happy as she chats with Chapera. They snack, they drink, they jump up and down, they scream with delight.

Big Tom: Dis bowat, ah ainner seed a bowat lahyuk thisun. Eet remahns me uhuthuh fanciest hayus tryler yew ever seed floatin. Its just lahyuk a hayus onna layuk.

(Translation: "This is a fine, seaworthy vessel. I have not previously had the opportunity to sally forth on such a glorious schooner. It puts me in mind of a manse upon an inland body of water.")

They are escorted below deck and behold the feast laid out on the tables. Let the OMG-Fest begin.<click>

Amber: Some people started grabbing plates, but I didn’t even take a plate, I just started picking up food and eating it.

Cut to shot of Amber, holding a plate, and putting food on it. But I know, Amber fans - she’s not stupid, just…confused. And unfairly edited.

Jenna, not to be outdone by Jerri in the Huge Mouth Competion, shoves an entire burger into her mouth. If we’re lucky, it’ll stay lodged there for the rest of the show.

After Foodmania Pt I, Kathy is serenaded by the Chapera Tribe Singers. A floor show is included. Be sure to tip your waiter.

Big Tom leads them in this fine verse:

“We gotta new girl, her name is Kat,
She fits in, just like that!
Doo dah, doo dah dey!
Doo dah, doo dah dey!”

Kinda makes you appreciate the Tree Mail poems, doesn’t it?

Mogo Mogo

Wow, they’re showing the trailer for “The Passion of the Christ”! There’s Jesus carrying the cross, escorted by scornful and abusive Romans. Oh, wait - no, that’s Ethan carrying the tribal flag escorted by his scornful and abusive tribe mates.

Lex: (channeling “Subliminal Man”) I’m very disappointed (in Ethan). We (Ethan) had a big lead and lost it (Ethan sucks.) I hate to lose. (Must kill Ethan.)

Ethan apologizes to his tribe and offers to be scourged. Jerri says that it’s not one person’s fault, unless that one person happens to be Ethan. Ethan apologizes some more in confessional. He goes to the garden and prays.

Ethan: I am the goat.

Chapera

Foodmania Pt II begins, as the tribe arrives at Dessert Oasis, complete with a Dessert Valet. The OMG Fest resumes, and the ASSes shove pastries into their faces ala Bill Murray in “Groundhog Day.”**

In a strange twist, they have a swimming party at the Rotu waterfall in Marquesas. That’s one damn fast yacht. Kathy notes that Chapera has fun, unlike the work-work-work Mogos. It’s an ironic observation, as I recall Kathy complaining that Rotu just wanted to play while she knew there was work to be done.

**If you haven’t seen this movie, you must rent it immediately.

Mogo Mogo

Jerri: Everyone is on edge. (Translation: Everyone hates me.)

Shii Ann: Jerri rubs me the wrong way. If she’d rub me the right way, I’d be a lot happier. (Author‘s note: Gratuitous sexual innuendo, as required in my contract.)

Ethan: Give’em both boxing gloves. Just don’t ask me to untie the laces.

Back on the Yacht

Foodmania - The Epilogue is underway as the tribe snacks. The Golf Valet appears with clubs and a bucket of balls. Boston Rob announces that he was on his state champion high school golf team. Oh, great, another chance for Rob to show off his superior skills. Will this torture never end?

Yes! The GolfFather*** takes a wild swing at the ball, both feet fly up into the air, and he lands squarely on his ass! Woo hoo, that’s one stupid thing down, one to go!

The rest of Chapera take turns polluting the ocean with golf balls, with varying degrees of failure. It’s almost as funny as the diving display during the challenge.

In a final show of futility, Rob takes a big whack, loses his grip on his shaft, and his club disappears pathetically. I, on the other hand, feel completely satisfied.

Amber, still confused, is thoroughly impressed with Rob’s skills and plans to let him sink a “hole in one” later.

We move on to the fishing competition. Big Tom is ready to take on Rupert.

Big Tom: Effen ah cayutch a feeyush today id bay grooovy. Hey beat me ever dayuh but t'day wit any luuuck, Big Tom gonna scorah.

(Translation: “If I were to capture a gilled creature today, it would be just splendid. The Bearded One bests me each day; but on this day, if fortune smiles, I shall prevail.”)

Meanwhile, the girls are yacking it up. Kathy coughs up info on Mogo Mogo. Alicia observes that it might not all be true, it shouldn’t all be true - unless Kathy is trying to save her ass, in which case it would all be true. That about covers it.

Big Tom: Ah hayed fore poles an ner cawut a feeyush. Rupert cawut mo feeyush inna dayuh widda steeck theyun ah deeyud onna thray millun dollah yawut.

(Translation: “Here I sat, with four rods cast, and ensnared nary a fish! Sir Rupert collected a greater number of fish in a single day with but a simple tree branch then I could manage from a high-end vessel.”)

Big Tom: Ka’y feyull raht inna our trayup. Gurls nummder up. Ah ner thowut sheyud fawull but she getting nummd raht neyow.

(Translation: “Kathy is inebriated and talking copiously, just as we had envisioned. We do indeed rock.”)

***Credit for this nickname goes to a Texan Goddess and Original Basher Babe.

Mogo Mogo

Ethan: I’m feeling insecure. I feel like a jumbled puzzle. Luckily, I’m not tied up in knots, because then I’d really be screwed.

Colby and Ethan plot to vote out Jerri. They are sure of Lex’s vote on this.

Colby: That decision was made as soon as Jerri Manthey was brought on board. This game is not meant for Jerri Manthey. Jerry Lewis, maybe; Jerry Springer, most definitely; Jerry Falwell, absolutely; but not Jerri Manthey.

Lex: I’ve changed my strategy since Africa. This time, I will lie if I have to. But I’m not longer willing to cut off anyone’s head. For now.

In a colossal waste of breath, Lex tells Jerri his entire list of reasons for voting out Colby.

Jerri: Lex, you had me at “Colby.”

Add “Jerry Maguire” to the list of “Jerri/ys Who This Game Is Meant For.”

Jerri: My goal was to last longer than Colby. Not that I’m a vindictive bitch who can’t let anything go even after three years and the fact that it’s just the way the game is played and I cost him $900,000 by voting for Tina; no, not at all.

Meanwhile, Lex talks to Shii Ann about the vote.

Lex: This is a Cusp Moment for you. It’s not what Dr. Phil would call a Defining Moment, but it is a Critical Choice and I am a Pivotal Person. So do it, or I’ll cut your head off. Oops, did I say that out loud?

Shii Ann: I feel trouble brewing in this camp. I’m very smart, so I know that has something to do with the fact that we’re going to Tribal Council and have to vote someone out. And Kathy isn’t here to tell me how to vote, so I actually have to make a decision by myself. I’m stuck here with a bunch of power players; me, Shii Ann, who is completely without power. I have to make my move, if by “my move” I mean “choosing one of the two moves that other, more powerful players have directed me to make.”

Chapera

The tribe hangs out on the boat, some napping, some laughing, some dancing. How come nobody is puking? They must have cut that part -all that food and drink on empty stomachs, on a boat - somebody must have been hanging over the side blowing chunks. I guess the contrast between “Happy Tribe” and “Miserable Tribe” this episode had to be kept pure.

Rob informs us that Tom said he misses his goats. The fact that we don’t get to hear Big Tom tell us that himself leads me to believe that his description of exactly why he misses them was such that even a Viewer Advisory wouldn’t have gotten it past the censors.

Somewhere, Ethan the Goat breathes a sigh of relief that he was not selected to join Chapera today.

The Champagne Valet arrives with -you guessed it - champagne! More cheers erupt from the ASSes as the flutes are passed around.

Big Tom: Ah ain drunk much champaiyun. Ah din cayar tew much fahrit. Hayud tew many bubbas. But ah ain gonna beeyuch doan ged me wrowung.

(Translation: “I did not particularly care for the refreshment. It was a bit too effervescent for my taste. But I shall not gripe, have no fear.”)

Mogo Mogo

Lex: I feel confident, but you can never really be confident. I hope I haven’t lied to myself.

Colby: Jerri Manthey goes 4-1. Jerry Rice goes 14 for 155, but that was in the old days. And in a game of curve balls, even he would be out of his league.

(Stay tuned for more of “When Sports Analogies Go Bad.”)

Tribal Council

Jiffy begins his merciless questioning. He really seems to enjoy it this season.

JP: Let’s talk about the challenge. Ethan, you choker, what happened? You had a huge lead.

Ethan: “Huge” is a matter of opinion. And size doesn’t matter, at least that’s what they tell me right before they break up with me. Anyway, I’m embarrassed. About losing, I mean, not about the size thing. Really.

JP: There seems to be animosity between the two tribes.

Colby: Yes, there is. I’m not looking forward to hanging with those guys after the merge. I wish you would just vote me out now, so I can avoid that. Oops, did I say that out loud?

JP: So you’re looking ahead to a merge?

Lex: Definitely. We are always sizing them up - oh, sorry Ethan.

JP: So you are looking at threats, both on their tribe and your own.

Jerri: I‘m basing my vote on who is my biggest threat, and of course, on petty grudges from years ago.

Colby: Allow me to show my desperation by rudely interrupting you - I disagree, because we need to win challenges and improve our tribal environment by getting rid of annoying bitches. Hey, can I vote for two people?

JP: Shii Ann, who can the tribe most afford to lose?

Shii Ann: Duh, Jeff, me. I mean, did you see me in that challenge? I am a useless weakling. And well, so is Jerri. I hope you don’t mind me speaking for you, Jerri, after all I know every thought in your brain.

Jerri: I do mind, you eyeball-eating freak. I’m really good at puzzles, I’m good at strategizing, and I’m an uplifting influence on the tribe, always in a good mood and keeping spirits high.

There must have been a quick jump-cut in the editing here, as surely no one, including Jiffy and the camera crew, could have kept a straight face during this little speech. For the love of god, let me tell you this again, Jerri - you’re Jerri Manthey, not Jerry Garcia, stay away from the green acid. The green acid is bad.

JP: Who can the tribe least afford to lose?

Shii Ann: Sorry, Ethan, you pathetic loser, it’s Colby. Colby is the strongest. And since I know for sure that we’re about to have a merge, we’d better get rid of him. I’m never wrong about these things.

Colby: Oh, great, tell everybody. Now the whole tribe knows that I’m good at individual immunity challenges. I’m sure that never would have come up if you hadn’t just pointed it out. Way to go, you eye-rolling witch.

JP: It’s time to vote.

Ethan: (votes Jerri) You are two-faced. One of those faces has a big stinky mouth, and the other is covered by an unwashed bikini bottom. Ewww.

Lex:(votes Colby) We both know this game isn’t about friendship. Besides, you didn’t want to be here anymore to hang out with the other tribe after the merge, so here’s your ticket buuuuddy.

Colby:(votes Jerri) I’m screwed, so never mind.

Jerri:(votes Colby) Is this a revenge vote? Hell yeah. Did it happen as a result of my own clever and fiendish plotting? Well, no, I’m just going along with what Lex wants. Am I a respected and valuable member of the tribe, while you are a scorned outcast? Um, not really, it’s just strategy and I’m lucky you’re so strong or else I’d be the one going. Is anyone buying my “zen-like, easygoing, uplifting” bulshit? Not a chance.

Shii Ann:(vote not shown) You have underestimated my powers. Perhaps you should spend some time analyzing your own.

Earth to Shii Ann - your POWERS??? You mean the power to annoy the hell out of your entire tribe, to vie with Jerri for Most Irritating Bitch, to be spoon-fed every vote until this one time you actually had to choose between two possible options, and given that you would have simply done what Kathy said to do had she been there, you took the next best choice and voted with her ally Lex? You mean the POWER of the happenstance that put you in a voting situation where you basically have no friends and therefore became the defacto “swing” vote? I think all that rotten coconut you’ve been eating has damaged your brain. That, or you’ve been getting into Jerri’s green acid stash.

JP: I’ll go tally the votes. Here’s some boxing gloves for while you wait.

And the votes are read: Colby, Colby, Jerri, Jerri - and COLBY is the seventh person voted out of the tribe.

Everyone stays completely expressionless. Even Jerri keeps her mouth almost closed; I hardly recognized her.

JP: Now comes my obligatory speech to scare you into thinking you just made a huge mistake. And by “huge” I mean a big, big, big, big, big mistake. But we shall see. Try not to think about it too much. Ha ha ha ha ha!

NEXT WEEK ON SURVIVOR: If you liked the Paris Hilton video, you’ll love Rob and Amber this episode! Be sure to set your TiVo. And, fired up on testosterone, the GolfFather takes on Aqua Man.

dangerkitty