This could also be titled: "A Tale of Two Squirrels" or "A Squirrely Tale" or any number of other cutsey little things. I was out on my patio early this morning, greeting the new day with the usual hacking followed by a nice smoke, which produced more hacking. I was sort of leaning over the little latched gate looking up and down the yard, wondering where the squirrel was that usually hangs around waiting for me to put peanuts on the railing for him to eat.
I heard a noise and looked up and on the plastic roofing, hanging over looking down at me looking up at him, was Mr. Nutsy. I guess the patio roof must have been a little slick from the early morning fog and dew, because I heard scampering, much like I would imagine a drunk would make on ice skates and by the time it registered in my addled brain what was happening, I had a head full of squirrel.
He had obviously lost his balance and came plunging down and grabbed the first thing he could to break his fall. Unfortunately, that happened to be the top of my head with what little plumage of hair I have on it. Or HAD, I should say.
He wasn't entirely happy with the situation, especially with me screaming bloody murder and jumping up and down and he was flung off into the grass, still firmly clutching a paw full of hair. My hair.
Who among us has not, as children, watched a Cowboy & Indian movie and not wondered how it would feel to be scalped? Well, pardners, belly up here to the bar and let old Sky tell you all about it. It hurt like a Mo'fo!
After partially staunching the blood flow with towels wrapped around my head (which again scared me when I looked in the mirror...) I called the local hospital's ER. They apparently weren't doing much business that early in the morning and took great delight in reading long excerts from a book of horrible things I could possibly get from a squirrel bite, scratch, or scalping.
The phone call went something like this:
Me: "And my head is all bloody and I'm missing a big plug of hair and....."
ER Person: "Sir, could you just calm down please? We're trying to help you, okay? Now, what KIND of squirrel was it?"
Me: "I don't know what kind! Maybe it was a male, maybe it was a female, maybe it was undeclared! How the hell do I know what KIND of squirrel it was? It landed on my head, it wasn't trying to screw me!"
ER Person: "Sir! I meant what KIND was it....Was it a GROUND squirrel, or a TREE squirrel?"
Me: "It was a PATIO squirrel! It was on top of the PATIO!"
ER Person: (Chuckling audibly and whispering to someone....'Hey, pick up the other line, I want you to hear this!') "Sir, there are no PATIO squirrels. The only classifications we have are TREE squirrels and GROUND squirrels. Since it was on TOP of the patio we will assume it was a TREE squirrel, okay? Now, did you retain the body of the animal?"
Me: "RETAIN THE BODY? What BODY? That little fuqer has part of MY body! I didn't do anything to him. Or her. Why, were you gonna call PETA or the Humane Society? I need help, that damned squirrel doesn't!"
ER Person: "Okay, did the squirrel actually BITE you or just SCRATCH you?"
Me: (Very, very slowly and distinctly) "The squirrel was on TOP of my head. I could not see the TOP of my head. I don't know if he (or she) BIT me or SCRATCHED me. I just know I'm missing a big paw full of hair and my head is bleeding."
ER Person: "Sir, all I can suggest then is that you come in so we can take a look at it and try to determine if there are teeth marks, or claw marks, or if just some hair was pulled out. It's really difficult to determine the extent of injury or even type of injury over the phone and especially when the person is crying and screaming loudly."
Me: "Fuq you!" SLAM!
Soooooo........anyone know anything about squirrels?
Oh.....I can't believe it! Even as I type this, looking around my monitor, I can see that damned squirrel outside the window, frolicking on the grass, just as if nothing had happened! BRB....I have to go toss it a few peanuts, otherwise, who knows what it will do to me next?
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