This summary is dedicated to the memory of my pet walrus Philip, who was found belly-up in a neighbor’s swimming pool with bruises on his head and strange red cushions floating all around him.
I’ll always remember your happy flippers, Philip!!
Official RTVW Summary
Season Seven - ALL STARS
Episode 8 - 7/25/06
Da da da I don’t love you, you don’t love me aha aha aha
James is currently Head Of Household. Apparently, the HoH medallion has been shoved so far up his butt that he is incapable of thinking straight. For the sake of brevity, the majority of James’ comments for the episode can be summed up like so: “Everything is going according to the plan. Except when it’s not.”
He is the third member of the BB6 alliance to hold the title of HoH during this brief season. Further evidence that this whole thing is rigged. Whatever. I, for one, will be happy to see each one of them go. Except for Howie. Howie is awesome. Janelle is a freakin’ ugly mannequin; Kaysar is fake with all of that “I am a devout man - watch how devout I am while I scheme and manipulate to beat people in a contest for money”; we’ve already covered how stupid James is. Who do I like, other than Howie? We’ll get to that later.
Will and George are on the cutting block. Will probably should have been on the cutting block and gone in the first week. He is a previous Big Brother winner and he’s a conniving bastard. But he’s still around. This is a testament to the fact that most of these people were picked for their looks and not for their playing skills. Well, okay, I can see the desire to get the lovely but annoying Allison the hell out of there with all possible speed. But, Will should have been next.
“Chicken” George is a cream-puff. There are some - like Howie - who suggest that there is more to George than meets the eye. There isn’t. There really isn’t. He’s a big, old, sort-of funny nut that isn’t going to be much of a challenge down the road. This may lead people to believe that this makes him a sleeper who will last to the end of the game. Not likely. In “All-Star” contests, there are too many hard-core gamers who will win all of the challenges and remove the chaff like George. You’ll see.
James says he nominated George because that will force the other players to “pick a side”. Hey, genius - everyone is pretty much already in the Season 6 alliance (Janelle, Kaysar, James, Howie, plus Erica and Marcellas) or against it. Putting George up there proves nothing except that you’re too much of a wuss to go straight after tough, in-your-face players like Jase or Danielle.
James picked Will because the evil doctor is playing the “Go ahead and kick me out, I don‘t want to be here” strategy. For those of you who don’t watch much reality TV, this usually means that the person sticks around for a little while based on the fact that the players looking to eliminate people consider the one using that strategy as a token to be tossed away whenever it’s convenient to remove them. In other words, Dr. Will is probably safe for now due to the very fact that he claims to want out. George acknowledges that his chances are slim against the likes of Will.
Janelle gives a big eye roll while she talks about George. It seems to be part of the code for the BB 6 alliance to assume that George has some tricks up his sleeve. What a bunch of wankers.
Howie tries to put some lovin’ on Will. Will won’t play. But he does confess that he likes being nominated because it means he gets to compete for everything. Smart. It would really suck to have your status in the house be taken out of your hands during the veto competition.
Danielle has a big butt. Nice face, but that shake can be just a bit much sometimes.
When George jokingly bemoans his predicament as a nominee for eviction, James challenges him. “If you’re not a good player, then what are you doing here, George?” The exact same thing can be asked of James.
We are then treated to a few minutes of Dr. Will exercising without a shirt on. No doubt some of the more goofy female types watching the show liked this. The rest of us wanted him to put a shirt back on his pasty body. Mike confesses that he has a very simple mind. Danielle tells us how George would best be served - with cole slaw and some rice. Remember that episode of Seinfeld where Kramer imagines Newman as a turkey on a platter? That’s what Danielle’s speech conjures up.
Jase is up in the HoH room talking to James. Jase confesses that he doesn’t intend to kiss the HoH’s ass. He then proceeds to kiss the HoH’s ass. He tells James that the two of them have a deep respect for the game, and blah, blah, blah. Jase leaves with the impression that they have some sort of agreement not to take cheap shots at each other during the game. James made no such promise.
The definition of Love pops up on the screen. This is supposed to be some sort of segue to Marcellas’ drooling over the other male houseguests while they are showering. The producers see fit to spend a whole lot of time on Marcellas’ total lust for Kaysar. It’s kind of funny. Now we know why Marcellas wants to be part of the BB6 alliance. It’s the “Iraqi peach” he’s cravin’.
What the hell? A confession from Erica? Didn’t realize that she was still on this show. And isn’t there some other woman - Didi, Debbi, Tracy? Something like that. Anyway, Erica and Marcellas talk about whether it is better to get rid of Will or George. They’re kind of wishy-washy about it. This is another example of the problem with these “All-Star” shows: many of the players aren’t really that strong as players. They’re just mildly amusing sheep and eye candy.
Oh, here’s that other woman who’s just sort of hanging on - Diane. She talks about how weird it is to watch Mike Boogie rapping late at night. Then they get poor George off the floor to rap. What was he doing on the floor, you ask? That’s what secret reality contest geniuses do - they sleep on the floor. George tries to rap and he gets three X’s from the judges before he finishes his first verse.
In the morning, Jase spends a lot of time fixing his hair. Why should we care, CBS? Why? Just show us another confessional, or something. If it weren’t for Danielle’s mildly amusing imitation of him, you would have wasted ten minutes watching him.
George and Howie spend some father and son time together. What - you didn’t know that they were father and son? George seems to do a nifty little job of making Howie reflect on his position in the BB6 alliance. Told you everyone would be trying to make cracks in that alliance.
James comes out to announce that it is time to get ready for the veto contest. Usually, the two nominees and the HoH pull random names to have people join them in the competition. This time, there are blue balls which allow the selector to pick the houseguest of their choice to join them in the competition. James happens to pick his BB 6 mate Kaysar; Will gets the lucky blue ball ( you will not hear that phrase often) and he picks his buddy Boogie, of course; George picks Jase. Jase sagely confesses that he wants to play in the veto competition because he doesn’t want Will or Mike to win and use the PoV to spin the scheming wheel which might then leave Jase in the empty nominee slot. Time to bring the horses in, the foreshadows are getting’ mighty dark.
Diane has some weird facial ticks.
The veto contest begins. Jannelle does the mc-ing. Each of the boys in the contest stands at a podium. Janelle is going to strip for them. Whoever thumps the podium first wins the veto. Just kidding. Janelle is at a big board and each time she pulls a strip off of the board, a new challenge is revealed. The players have to show a green block if they want to participate and a red ball if they don’t want to do the challenge.
In the first contest, the boys have to eat a bowl of slop. Will drops right away. Mike joins him soon after. Kaysar, James, Jase and George all choke down their slop.
For the next “challenge” the players have to willingly throw the clothes they are wearing into a blazing barrel. They’re getting kind of low in the idea department at CBS, aren’t they? Next thing you know, they’ll have the players work as a waitress for an hour and see how they like it. This challenge would have been much more entertaining if the players had to set fire to their clothes while they are still wearing them. Surely, I am not the only one who wants to see a flaming Chicken George running around the yard. All four guys strip to their skivies.
On the third challenge, they have to let the other houseguests write on them. That’s it - that’s the challenge. Guess who drops out? No one, because it is the lamest “challenge” in the history of reality TV.
Challenge numero four-o: The nearly-naked men have to bathe themselves in blueberries. Marcellas is standing by with the whipped cream. On a completely irrelevant note, if you ever travel through mid-state New York, there is a town called Cortland. Just north out of town on Route 222 (221?), there is a BBQ shack called “Bob’s BBQ” and they have the absolute best blueberry pie you have ever tasted in your entire life. Not kidding - worth the drive.
Anyway, the fifth challenge is to decide whether you want to sit out the veto competition next week. A green block means you want to continue in this veto competition and forego any chance of doing it next week. James decides that as outgoing HoH, he may need to participate in that future challenge to avoid a revenge vote or two. Jase inexplicably also chooses to avoid finishing this veto challenge so that he can do the next one. Never, ever, ever in a reality show assume you are safe. In an “All-star” show, you should add about ten more “nevers” to that statement. Dumbest move of the episode. Kaysar is the only one going on to face Chicken George in the last stage of this veto contest. James says that everything is going according to his plan to get George kicked out. Not sure how that makes any sense because George now has a 1 in 2 chance of winning the veto rather than the 1 in 6 chance he had minutes before.
The sixth challenge is to get your head shaved. George pleads for mercy from Kaysar. The devout Iraqi Muslim shows him none. They are both going to get their head shaved. Howie shaves George; Marcellas shaves Kaysar. Kaysar doesn’t look too bad. George becomes an exact duplicate of Curly from the Three Stooges.
So now there is a tiebreaker. With 60 days left, how many days would each contestant be willing to go on a slop diet? Kaysar says 15. George answers 60, naturally. George wins the PoV. And a severe case of diarrheaa for 60 days.
James goes into a conniption fit in his HoH room. All of a sudden, things are not going according to plan. Oh, and by the way, Kaysar shaved his head for nothing. Hah! Too bad Jannelle didn’t have to do that. Wait… never mind. I’ve seen a bald Barbie doll before and it weren’t pretty. Then again, Janelle ain’t pretty to begin with so bald might be an improvement.
The BB 6 alliance gathers to discuss who James will nominate when George uses the veto on himself. Jase’s name quickly comes up. James fidgets and says that he sort of almost has like an understanding with Jase, or something. Do us a favor and grow a set, will you kid? You’re on a reality show. Everybody is fair game all the time. Just pull the trigger and stop bitching and moaning about blind-siding someone who you were eventually going to have to eliminate anyway. Howie mentions Mike, then Janelle goes back on the stump to nominate Jase. Everyone finally agrees.
Kaysar goes to tell Jase to his face that he’s going to be sacrificed. Jase breaks down in tears. Well, not really. But he does tell Kaysar that he loves getting back-doored. This show needs to be moved to cable, I’m telling ya. Howie’s dry-humping Will all the time, Marcellas has a handful of Kaysar’s hair down his pants, and now Jase is going on about what he does for a good time. Man-whores everywhere you look.
Jase goes out in the yard where most of the players are gathered and he starts throwing around some red cushions…Hey!! You killed my walrus, you B.B.A.Stard!! Will and Mike enjoy the tantrum. Everybody else sits in stoic silence. That is, until Jase suggests the they should put Marcellas on the block instead because he dared suggest at some point or other that the BB 6 alliance has to be broken up. Marcellas has a grand fit. Will smiles some more.
Okay, I will admit it here - I like Will. He’s the best effing Big Brother player of all time, bar none. He’s already told everyone that he wants out, so they don’t really care if he sticks around a little longer. He’s set himself and his buddy Mike up as some sort of team in opposition to BB6, so James and the others BB6ers have to see who among the other players will be folded into their alliance. This means that the fence-sitters will be picked off before Will or Mike is. And then, of course, he will find the crack in the BB6 alliance and exploit it later. Yes, Dr. Will is that good. More on him in a minute.
After the players pull Marcellas off of Jase, they go to the veto ceremony. George follows a script real well, I must say. He gives Will the chance to beg for the veto. Nothing doing. Will tells the assembled room that he hasn’t been playing hard because there is no one he really hates more than the others. He tells them that he hates them all equally. Everyone chuckles. Except Boogie - he curls up in a fetal position. Will goes on to challenge the entire group. He says that if they don’t vote him out, he will make things very miserable in the household. He may be bluffing a little higher than he should, but we’ll see how his cards play out. Will also gets one more dig in by reminding people that George beat five people to get the PoV when he really needed it. Great job hanging that target on the old guy, doctor.
George tells the group that he considers it an honor just to be on the same planet as them. Or something like that. Then George announces that he will use the veto to remove himself from nomination.
James moves George out of the way and casually asks Jase to move over as the new nominee for eviction. Jase sits next to Will. James confesses that Jase shot himself in the foot. Will confesses that he has become invisible. George confesses that he has chronic flatulence. This episode is over.
Next episode - someone gets kicked out of Big Brother All-Stars. Hope it's Erica.