LAST EDITED ON 07-24-06 AT 03:57 PM (EST)
So, previously on Big Brother -- like it actually matters. You want to know what happened previously on this show? Watch the current episode. One of the many problems this series has always faced is a near-total lack of future. With no ability to foreshadow beyond a few hours and entice us with what's coming later in the season, they're forced to continually revisit their own past. Basic rule of the show: 'when the screen goes blue, we're boring you.' Because you've seen it all before, and you'll see it all again, and again, and again, because this year's cage has last year's hamsters and they haven't learned how to make new mistakes. They can't even make the same old mistakes in vaguely entertaining ways. In fact, so little happened in this episode that in order to get through the whole thing without saying 'You know, I could totally do The Apprentice next season. The whole thing,' and the instant that comes out, you know what's left of my sanity has just gone to Howie's Happy Place, I may occasionally distort things. Very slightly. Just a tiny little bit. I have to do something for my own
psychosis amusement, and if that means inserting the occasional line or resetting a scene, so be it. You'll probably never notice.
Now in case you missed last week, and the producers are assuming you are because gawds know none of us have any remaining reason to watch this crap, here's the bluescreened short form: Kaysar won HoH. Half the house went on slop morning, noon, and night, which was probably a vague improvement on acting like (censored) for that same time period. (By the way? Oatmeal. This is the legacy of that failed attempt to put a copyright on PB&J. Who do they think they are, Donald?) Diane and Nakomis were nominated for eviction, producing two very different reactions: Nakomis dyed her hair, and Diane flooded the house. Tears. Endless tears. Apparently Diane has nothing in her life except reality shows and soft drugs, so if she loses her place in the cage, it'll just destroy her forever. This is very probably true, for a given value of 'true' that translates to 'Well, if you wanted to be on television forever, why didn't you just go on The Real World?'
Nakomis and Diane promised each other that they wouldn't campaign to save themselves. Normally I'd tell you 'Wait for it' here, but I think you can all see this coming, so let's get to the results of their campaigning to save themselves. Nakomis got S6 to promise not to vote her out, and they kept that promise -- for the value of S6 which equals 'Janelle.' Between that and Will's wanting to keep a remotely interesting person in the house, preferably one who wasn't forcing George to scrub for mildew every hour on the hour, Nakomis had two whole votes for saving her and eight whole votes for 'Diane's kind of hot, in that skinny, too-much-pot, unfocused, I-could-get-her-for-a-cameo-on-Hell's Kitchen sort of way.' So Nakomis left, with none of her housemates saying goodbye to her because who knows? That hair color could be catching. And then a miracle occurred. We had an HoH competition featuring the stupid Target Isolation Booths Of Doom (only $8.99!), and Julie called it right. Julie recognized who won and gave HoH to the person who actually did the best at coin flipping. This turned out to be -- wait. That can't be right. James? Since when does that key look like a veto medallion? I guess if an infinite number of hamsters flip an infinite number of coins in an infinite number of isolation booths, eventually, one of them will say or do something interesting. Unfortunately, that's not going to be in this show, but don't worry: infinity has a long way to run and this show's cheap to produce, so it'll be around for most of it.
Who will James -- no, seriously. James? -- nominate for eviction? How will the hamsters do in the food competition? What bits of pointless time filler are about to corrode our screens? And why is no one in the production crew bright enough to suddenly sit up and say 'I know! We'll give them pellets!'
Duh. Roll opening credits.
(You know, I could watch Alison leave all day. I once watched her fall down some stairs for twenty minutes.)
And here's James, winning The Price Isn't Quite Right isolation booth showcase by going over. (Watch his face: he knew he'd gone higher than the target number, mostly because Julie just told him and it's a question mark as to whether she knew -- but he thought Danielle had it. Surprise!) Howie races over to congratulate him, which might be seen as a stupid move, but it's not exactly as if the S6 alliance is a secret, and do you know how much good being quiet and dignified does in this group? None. So go ahead and celebrate, Howie, because if you were quiet, they'd just say you were rubbing it in their faces with your silence. And we all know how much Howie likes to rub things. Admittedly, maybe not as much as Mike...
Flashback: Nakomis is leaving the house. Goodbye, Nakomis! Don't forget to take your hair dyes with you, because we all know George has been dying to do something with his -- lower colors -- since you got here! Diane confessional-tell declares that Nakomis was her best friend and now she's going to win the game for her. And give her all the money. And dedicate her life to getting people off pot. Or any one out of three. Jase doesn't move from the couch: his c-t sees no need to suck up to Nakomis because she's not going to be on the jury, she six-fingered him out of his first cage, and he hates her, so what's the point of saying goodbye? He's not willing to fake it. That's the job of his partners. (Personally, I don't see why Jase is so angry. He usually has to pay out hundreds of dollars just to find someone willing to think about five-fingering him, and she gave him the sixth for free.) Mike is c-t thrilled to have Diane around, because he thinks she's hot. There are two people in the world that Diane appeals to, one of them was lying about it until he got the check, and the other is in the cage right now. What were the odds? And Will just can't believe they voted Nakomis out, because he was thisclose to talking her into getting several small tattoos removed so she could put a larger one on, and do you know how much he gets for that removal procedure? A lot. Between that and Howie's upcoming Botox injections, who would need the prize money?
"Hell froze over today," Diane c-ts, "and for some reason, I'm still in this house." (Totally my bad. I knew asking for a sigpic would have consequences, but -- this?) She feels it just clearly wasn't her time to go. (sniffs air) Nope. Expiration date's come and gone. It was your time to go. In fact, you're two years past due.
Will is trying to work some math. There were two votes for saving Nakomis. One was his. He suspects the other came from someone in S6, and he's right: Janelle wanted someone to smoke with, and that is not code for anything. Will thinks this is the beginning of a fracture in the S6 alliance. This is possible. Will also thinks he has a chance to win twice. This is cute.
James and Howie take c-t moments to explain their votes. James felt threatened by Nakomis, and with Diane, he feels safe. (Translation: 'Diane isn't smart enough to be a threat.') Howie believes the cage is a better place for him with Nakomis out the feeding hatch. (Translation: she refused to give him those pod racing stripes he's wanted his whole life.)
Flash-forward. James is about to win the HoH competition. Look at his face -- oh, we did this. We also did Howie running up and screaming something that sounded like "Safe from the block, baby!". Is there something we haven't seen yet? Oh, there we go: James holds the HoH key in front of his face and asks the others "What does this do?" He then points to his brain and asks "What does this do?" Since this is the B.B.A.Stards cast, no one can answer either question, and all the hamsters mill around until they're finally herded back into the main part of the cage.
Danielle c-t knows what her strategy is for a third consecutive week of S6 power: pucker lips, apply to nearest rear. (It takes five members of the production crew to get Mike away from the Diary Room in time.) “James wins HoH for the first time in Big Brother history -- I’ll give it up to him.” Well, at least she’s honest about her method for staying safe... For his part, James is just thrilled to have one week where he knows he's not going to be on the block. At least -- he thinks he's not going to be on the block. They did promise twists. It would be kind of a big twist if the HoH was an automatic nominee, right? And they didn't tell him until it was too late? Why, at this very moment... (It takes seven of them to get James out from under the couch.)
Now that we’ve hopefully established who the HoH is with no need for further flashbacks, the next stage can begin: rampant paranoia. Who will James nominate? Will thinks it’ll be him and Mike, to make sure someone in Chilltown2 goes out. Mike disagrees: he sees James as being frustrated over Kaysar’s last two nominations, and he’ll show his displeasure with another floater duo. Will believes James is going to try to win the game in Week 3. Mike asks Will to repeat that. Will does. Mike bursts into tears, cries out about how Will showing off his college math classes just isn’t fair, and runs to the Diary Room to finish his nervous breakdown in peace. The total destruction of self ends with a plea for the producers to put the cast of Scooby-Doo in the house. The Hardy Boys. Sherlock Holmes. Anyone who can solve the mystery of James’ upcoming nominations. (It takes the entire crew to stop Ant before he reaches the front door.)
It’s time for a patented Big Brother ‘Thirty Minutes Over Foreshadow’, and that means we’re about to visit with George. What is George doing? George is cleaning. He also cooks, polishes, vacuums, does laundry, and makes sure there’s always fresh hay in the coop. George has, in fact, turned into the maid of the cage, and when you look at both the basic salary he earns for being there and the people he has to clean up after, he’s severely underpaid. Howie thinks he’s figured things out, though. He believes that Chicken George is secretly Boggan George, forever unnoticed in the background as he cleans up the blood jewels of the Unseelie Court. Why, who would notice the servant in the corner while they’re plotting next week’s murder? George is quickly becoming background material, and it lets him overhear a lot of the gossip in the cage. Howie thinks George might be the most dangerous player in the game, and he was doing so well until he said that! Stupid satyr...
James, however, is starting to come around to Howie’s way of thinking, and yes, I said 'Howie' and 'thinking' more or less together: sorry... He exits a pantry room conference with Janelle to find George scurrying away, head down and refusing to make eye contact. He believes George was probably listening at the door. And he’s right, because George c-t admits to it. George is just trying to gather whatever information he can find and use it to get further in the game. James is now a little worried about George, because George is stealing his bit. What can James possibly do to stop the future plots of the most dangerous player in the game? He’s not sure yet, but just give him a few commercial breaks to think about it and he’ll come up with something. In the meantime, he’d like everyone to see his HoH room. No one really cares. James reminds them that it took him two seasons to get one, so this is really a special occasion. No one really cares. James declares his intent to base nominations on the last two people across the threshold. James is nearly trampled to death in the ensuing stampede.
What’s James’ HoH room like? It has a nice, comfortable bed, which James’ broken body gets to recuperate on. It’s red. Very red. Red like fire. Red like blood. Red like the shade Howie’s face goes when he gets a look at the many pictures of Sarah. Howie wants Sarah. Because she’s female. And breathing. And not Nakomis. Jase doesn’t care about the room, because it’s not his and he doesn’t care to see pictures of anyone’s friends and family unless they’re his. Marcellas does care about the room, because he likes the way it’s completely decorated every week and if Thom ever needs to take some time off, he is so there.
After the mandatory kissing of feet, all the hamsters file out -- except for S6. Howie and Kaysar lift James a few times and squeeze him to get his spine back into shape, then begin the alliance conference. James wants to start identifying the S6 sympathizers in the cage, and he wants to get one threat out while still leaving someone around for next week -- someone the other hamsters can go after instead of S6. This is a good plan. This is sensible. Janelle, who can think one time out of three, hits her lucky spot and asks them to consider Jase as a challenge threat who might wind up going over to Chilltown2. James then brings George up. Why? Because George is the strongest player in the game, and by putting him on the block, S6 would be sending a message to the others: we care about you, we want you to win, we can all work together to get this monstrous threat out of here while there’s still time! Vote with us to evict George, say which alliance you stand with, and maybe we can give you fifth place! Won’t that be special? So maybe George and a member of Chilltown2, because then the rest of Chilltown2 will have to vote for George! Janelle might have been able to say something in protest at this point, but those one-in-three times don’t last long: she agrees to leave it up to James, joins the others in their Fantastic Final Four fist touch, and -- commercials.
If only the commercials could last for ten hours. That first segment went for five...
When we return, it’s time for pointless filler! What’s life really like in the cage? Do you care? No? Me neither. So let’s watch Mike work out because the healthier bodies around him have reminded him that while he can pretend he’s sixteen forever in his brain, his body would like to swap the slop for a nice healthy serving of Middle-Aged Spread. Mike is now a fitness fanatic trying to negotiate a treaty "between Fourpaciraq and Sixpakistan", but it won’t do him much good, because you can only work on the basic shape you have, and he has his mother’s hips. This is his own public admission, said to Danielle, who will be spending the rest of her life wishing she hadn’t heard it. Yes, Mike will be in shape if he stays in the cage long enough, and that shape is generally known as ‘idiot’. But at least it’s keeping him busy. And smelly, which is really helping his chances with Diane. Did you know that under heavy stress, human body odor can smell like pot? No? That’s funny: the police who raided my neighbor’s apartment didn’t believe it either.
“I am half man,” Mike declares as he finishes a workout, “half -- not amazing.” It’s obviously doing wonders for his honesty.
Meanwhile, Will is bored. Bored, bored, bored. (He should only know what it’s like for the viewers.) And complaining about it. (Ibid.) He doesn’t like the food. He doesn’t like the forced focus on everything in the cage, in case it ever comes up on an HoH quiz. “What genius decided to put cabinets thirty feet up in the air?” (A long climbing shot shows us that the kitchen cabinets do, in fact, extend all the way up to the second story in a slanting grid. They all look functional.) “Where are we, in Willy Wonka’s house?” A nervous James assures Will that they’re just for decoration, extra storage, and they are not where he hides during the day so he can listen to conversations below, oh no, not him. He uses the urn like everyone else. Will can see that, so he switches to complaining about the workout room. He’s willing to trade the crappy equipment in there for BB2’s solid, honest, practical weight bench. Howie promises to move Heaven and Earth to bring his beloved the thing that Will craves. That solves the weight bench problem, so Will moves on to complain about the lack of glamour in his wall picture, the light in the backyard being on all night, and the fact that Ivette wasn’t put in the cage instead of Alison. He wants his backgammon set back. He wants the basketball court back. He wants his old tan back. The slop tastes too good. And he wants to know why he never became rich and famous from being on the show, just like everyone on BB2 used to talk about all day. (George nearly dies laughing right there.) Kaysar thinks this complaining is because Will wasn’t hugged enough as a child or strangled in his sleep as a teenager. Will c-t admits that it’s an attempt to demoralize the cage by making the other hamsters think they’re in a horrible place, so they’ll fight each other to be the first out of this hellhole. Little does he know how well it’s working. On the viewers. This is such a transparent strategy, Diane’s seen through it and reported in to Marcellas. But at least it keeps Will from being bored. Bored, bored, bored.
Something else that helps keep Will from ‘All work and no play makes the doctor do surgery with an ax’ is messing with the current HoH, so he drops in on James for a chat. Will just wants to know who James wants out. Why, George! Because he’s the strongest player in the game! Will makes a massive effort, does not die laughing on the spot, and proposes that James nominate George and himself: Will can be the pawn. James is reluctant, because the entire cage thinks Will actually wants to go home, and what if they send him out instead of keeping him around to suffer more? Will still has the boost from the last heroic effort, so stays alive and stoic enough to say he’s not worried about it. He was on the block all the time during his season. The block was his friend. He misses it. He doesn’t know why they don’t talk any more. It’s like they’ve drifted apart. He just wants his friend back. Surely James can understand that, right? It’s just like James and the veto medallion. Buddies forever. James doesn’t want to talk about the love of his life in front of all these pictures of Sarah, so just c-t admits that he wants Will around for the end of the game as someone he can beat -- gee, it’s not like anyone’s ever made that mistake before -- then switches to mainstream to tell Will he knows he’s at the outer edge of the S6 alliance and will have to make a move eventually. It’s Howie, Kaysar, Janelle -- and as soon as they don’t need James, they’ll forget about him, just like last year. He’s not about to repeat the experience. Will proposes a new foursome: himself, James, Mike, and Danielle. James can get behind that core group, and says so. They conclude the talk with Will saying that he’s not going to admit to an alliance -- he c-t believes James wants to be with the cool kids in Chilltown2, but he’ll have to win his way in -- but they have a lot in common. He’s right. James is probably lying too.
Out in the yard, Jase and Howie toss a pink inner tube around while Jase sings a commercial for his new toy. Howie thinks it’s a real commercial. Jase has to tell him that it was made up on the spot. Oh, and he doesn’t really love Holly, either. Howie’s hopes and dreams are crushed, and he retreats whimpering to be with his stolen picture of Sarah. The next thing you know, someone will tell him he’s not really a Jedi. (This took up nearly a minute of the episode. Why? Because Will is bored, bored, bored. And has so many reasons to be.)
James continues to consult with the other hamsters. Erika wants Jase and George up, with George out. Why? Because it’s not her. Marcellas says George, because he can c-t tell that the king’s head has been dented by the crown and when the royals are insane, the safest thing to do is agree with everything they say. Danielle thinks James is insane, tells him so, and advises him to target Jase. James takes away her lands and sends her on a quest until such time as she can sufficiently redeem her honor and once again be called a Knight Of The Lazy Susan. Danielle accepts her assignment, but asks her liege why he must target the poor jester. James screams that if the fool is not eliminated, he’ll be behind the throne the whole time, and finally sit on it himself at the end after stabbing the rightful king in the back! The jester does nothing but make them laugh! What use is that? Danielle asks James if he really wants to live in a filthy cage for the next ten weeks. James reminds her that he has invisible fairies who can do the cleaning for him. Danielle runs for her life, and so do we: commercials.
When we come back, another bit of James’ growing insanity has started to manifest -- but this time, it’s justifiable. All he wants to do is kill the next person who tells him the slop isn’t that bad. The production staff realizes that no jury in the world would convict -- at least, not if they had a sample first -- so they’d better hold the next food competition, fast. The hamsters crowd into their play area to find their latest toy. This is an oversized version of a favorite boardwalk rip-off game: the one where you slowly try to maneuver a ball up a slope past a series of ever-widening dropout holes using tiny middle sections where the ball is always just about to fall off to the sides. On the boardwalk, if you reach the top, you get five tickets, and if you accumulate six thousand of them, you can trade them in for a slightly-used pencil eraser! Fifty cents per play -- it’s a real deal! But on this show, if the hamsters get the ball all the way up, the whole house gets full food for one day, plus a catered feast for dinner, chosen by that lucky pair. They’ll be playing for six days of food with six pairs of two. (On the seventh day -- well, no one knows. Slop for everybody! -- oh, wait. One pair will go twice. Whee...) If the ball drops out before reaching the top, what the house receives depends on where the ball went out: they’ll receive the food from the highest zone and all the ones below it. And what are those zones? Well, working up from the bottom:
Veggies & beer. (Oh, joy. Drunk hamsters. Again.)
Bread & kumquats. (Kumquats? Are they having so much trouble lining up sponsors that we have to go with the American Kumquat Association?)
Meat & ice cream. (Boring...)
And, just to make sure they’re paying attention, just before the top, we have the very large Slop Dropout Hole. Get the ball in there, and all your efforts are wasted: slop for the day.
You have never seen hamsters this eager to cooperate. Hopefully we’ll never see it again.
The ball is guided in the same fashion as the boardwalk game: with a tilting pole that can be slowly moved up the course, adjusting the angle to keep the ball away from the holes. Of course, this course is about thirty feet long (with ramps going alongside it) and twelve wide, so the pairs will split up: one person to handle each side of the pole. Work slowly, work carefully, and try not to die because apparently it’s about a hundred and twenty degrees in this part of the cage, and they may get to eat. Plus James might even stop trying to break through the walls to get at the production staff, although that has the major downside of making Will bored again.
James reads off the rules -- I’m going to spare you from this part, because I had to listen to the section on the divine right of kings and that’s enough suffering for one website -- and the hamsters pair off. Starting with Monday, the results are:
Erika & James: Feast. (Not without some work -- at one point, James gives out a series of instructions to Erika, then realizes he was actually talking to himself. But they set the standard for the game: work slowly, give clear directions to your partner, don’t be afraid to back up and start a section over.)
Mike & Diane: Feast. (He tries to seduce her the whole time. If you don’t believe me, just listen to his directions. “Up, up, up -- down, down -- let me in a little closer -- inch, inch, inch...’ And the sad part? He thinks he’s bragging. Even worse, not once did he say ‘Foreplay, foreplay, foreplay...’)
Danielle & Will: Bread & kumquats. (Panic result: they start to lose control of the ball after getting past the slop, and instead of reseting their position, they freak. Danielle almost sprints up the ramp, trying to push the ball as high as possible before it inevitably drops. They were lucky to get as far as they did. And if this was a show where foreshadowing worked, that would be a lovely bit of scenery -- but this is Big Brother. Eh.)
Kaysar & Howie: Feast. (The heat is getting intense, and it gives Kaysar some trouble -- but they make it. Howie credits it to a Jedi telepathic communion. He keeps forgetting: telepathy requires a sending brain and a receiving one...)
Janelle & Marcellas: Veggies & beer. (They just can’t get coordinated. Marcellas c-t admits that the only physical challenge they could beat as a team would be shopping. Choosing his partner based on who best compliments his looks is not working out. Janelle’s just happy to get past the slop. This little scenelet may be a key to Marcellas’ gameplay -- he’s too easy to distract. He spends the minority of his time directing Janelle and the majority ordering the other hamsters to shut up so he can concentrate.)
George & Jase: Feast. (This does not come easy. Jase wants to work with George because George is the closest thing to someone he can like -- Jase loves maid service -- but George is also the most vulnerable to the heat. There are times when his hands are shaking on the grip, and he has to keep stopping to wipe sweat from his forehead before it goes into his eyes. When the ball finally reaches the top, George sits down hard on the ramp, exhausted. Naturally, the others are too busy celebrating to notice until several seconds have passed. He recovers, but it’s clear that the endurance contests are not going to be his strength unless they’re held on a cool night. Of course, he doesn’t have to worry about that, because he’s the strongest player in the house.)
Last day: Not shown. (What were you expecting? Quality?)
After the food competition, Marcellas and Janelle retreat into the red bedroom (the non-HoH one) to complain about their performance. Marcellas feels this is just like high school, where he went out for a ton of sports he didn’t like just so he wouldn’t be perceived as the gay man who couldn’t do anything physical. (And in c-t, once again, no, the ‘we’re both cute! Let’s pair up!’ thing really isn’t working.) Janelle c-t believes that her horrible performance in the food competitions is working for her, because “now people aren’t seeing me as this smart, buxom blonde. And I like it.” Janelle? That was three lies in three words. News flash. You’re not that smart. You have moments, but they’re far too spaced out to do you much good. In a culture that wasn’t currently dominated by Paris Hilton and her ‘If I can’t have them, no one should have them’ fashion philosophy, you wouldn’t be that buxom. And we’ve all seen your high school pictures. You’re not a blonde. (On the other hand, getting three lies into three words proves you’re at least getting better at this game...) Team Adorable concludes that they’ll be fine as long as they remember to play themselves as eye candy and nothing else, applies their mutual high intelligence to the question of whether potato and corn chips can be considered as vegetables (no, but ketchup is!), openly wonders what a ‘kumquat’ is -- Marcellas knows, but he’s not allowed to show that part of the handbook to anyone who doesn’t already have one -- and does each other’s hair right up until the moment when Janelle realizes Marcellas doesn’t have any. Commercials.
(I usually don’t mention commercials, but this one’s show-related and interesting. CBS wants people to log onto their website and record wake-up calls for the hamsters. In fact, if the messages are good, they may play them for our B.B.A.Stards all night long. The Mole casts a long shadow, and if we do this right, it could be the return of Tiny Bubbles. Go to www.cbs.com and give them what they want. It can only improve the show. It sure couldn’t make it worse.)
We return to more filler: Mike talks in his sleep -- nonsense syllables that only occasionally verge towards English, and it’s freaking the others out. Mike doesn’t mind because freaked-out people are more likely to treat him as demon spawn and worship him than kick him out so they don’t have to listen -- right? (He does admit the problem has been hard on his love life and one day, he hopes to have one.) Janelle wonders if she could question him in his sleep and gets results. Possible, but it would come out as something like ‘Fireworks come the darko’, which is what he actually said at one point. And yes, this makes it official: Mike never. Shuts. Up.
Danielle doesn’t have to worry about losing sleep to Mike: she’s up early anyway, because she’s a married woman with children and sleeping in doesn’t come naturally. Danielle has two daughters, one of whom is going on eighteen. Danielle is thirty-four. Go ahead, do the math. Danielle talks about her experiences with Kaysar: she was a teenage mother, but she’s one of the ones who made it work out. She has raised her children, she has stayed married to her husband, she has a career, she has a life, and look at her: she’s on national television, crying about missing her kids in confessional! Just like Fantasia! In fact, do you know what the lesson here is? Hey, teens: if you want to be on a reality show, have or father a child! It’s never too early to start, and let’s face it: you wanted to have sex anyway, so now you have an excuse your parents will support! Just go over to our American Idol forum, where you’ll find an old thread that’ll help get you started. You can’t miss it. It’s the locked one with the two hundred posts and the people wishing they were dead. Just like reality contestants! (See how well this works?)
A little bit of misdirection -- James and Janelle talk about putting up Jase to make the sub-alliance (loyal to S6 as long as it suits them) of Marcellas and Danielle happy, not to mention that Jase has become really obnoxious lately and the jingle about the hot tub was not fit for broadcast. King James revels in his HoH power and returns to the throne room as we go to commercial. They’re speeding up -- either nominations are next or my sense of time is starting to go...
Nope. Nominations. Whew. This was starting to feel worse than Tiny Bubbles.
As Jase c-t claims to not be afraid of the nominations while Will c-t begs for one as Erika gives him a mainstream spray-on tan (one more complaint down), James gathers the keys, ponders over them, gives himself the royal blessing from himself, declares that by the will of the highest powers -- himself -- his wishes shall be carried out, to oppose him is treason, and he wants his purple robe back from the laundry. Now. “There can be only one. And I want to be him.” (Third person: the final sign of insanity. That and quoting really bad movies.) The keys are inserted into the Wheel O’ Doom, Danielle is temporarily recalled from her quest, and the Knights Of The Lazy Susan gather to learn the results --
-- but not before George gets the c-t of the night in. “They all think I’m holding back, I’m like this giant strategist -- little do they know: what they see is what they get!” Namely, the strongest player in the game. Just ask James. Oh, and the best maid.
James makes his speech. James has the power. James is the power. To oppose James is to die. And he wishes to know what a ‘kumquat’ is, and if Marcellas does not tell him before three sunsets pass, he will allow gay marriage within his kingdom, then force him to wed Cowboy. With that said, the keys begin to come out of the box in the following order:
Danielle. (It was just a little quest.)
Mike. (Will tosses off a small ‘Excuse him?’ gesture.)
Kaysar. (Janelle lets out a small ‘where’s mine?’ cough.)
Janelle. (Oh, there it is.)
Jase. (A little surprised, but he covers it well.)
Marcellas. (A lot relieved, and he doesn’t.)
Howie. (Who may have actually thought he was up -- there’s real relief on his face.)
The nominees are George and Will. The good doctor is going up because no one is closer to the king than the royal physician, and James can’t take the chance on having his medicine replaced with poison. (You know -- he just gets these headaches.) George is nominated because a fool is loyal to his liege until one of them dies, and James just isn’t willing to wait that long or go first. Plus, just to remind you, George is the strongest player in the game. The king knows this. The king has spoken. The king is really tired of having other people copy the eavesdropping trick. George must die, and will die on Thursday -- unless someone offends the king by saving him. And who would dare to offend the king? Not even George would be such a fool as to save himself and defy his liege...
“You put up the most strategic player in Big Brother history is what you’re telling me,” George tells the mad lord. James confirms this is exactly what he’s done.
Will’s face assumes the most sincere smile he’s shown since entering the cage -- and then he can no longer contain his joy. Like a shot, he’s away from the table, into the living room -- and back to his old friend. He rubs his body against the block. He tells it how much he’s missed it. He coos that he’ll make sure they’re never separated again. He leaves long streaks of fake tan all over the fabric, but his eyes are closed in bliss, so he really hasn’t noticed. And the camera cuts out before the protests begin or a new fetish is officially born. But at least Will's no longer bored. Bored, bored, bored.
Is George going out? Could it be Will? Is the veto going to come into play? How could anyone possibly defy King James?
One word: revolution.
I’ve been Estee, and if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to leave the hamsters and go back to my island rats. Once was enough. Peace, over and out -- of here.
(How on earth did this thing ever make seven seasons?)