The only good thing about seeing Julie Chen on my television is that it means it’s Thursday night and that the weekend is only one miserable workday away. No, I never get up in time to see The Early Show – and if I were up at that time, I’d find something better to do. When she appears on a Tuesday (wearing a surprisingly age-appropriate sleeveless turtleneck) it shuts off my brain for the rest of the week. Thanks, Chenbot. But I’ll overlook it this time because it finally means the end to one of the insufferable F-worders.So, after one of the show’s infamously unbearable and redundant recaps, Shreikvette lets us know that she knew Advil’s key was going to be the one left after Barbarella made her nominations. She begs the Magfather’s for assurance that Barbarella really thinks she is a good player as we’re shown a replay of the blonde campmeeting from the week before. Shreikvette warns us that things are really going to get ugly now, and Advil reminds us that she’s not here about the money. Because it’s every girl’s dream to spend her summer locked up with, among others, Napoleon’s descendant, the lesbian who loves him, Tina Fey’s prototype for “Mean Girls,” an invisible alcoholic, a mentally undeveloped career student and a boyfriend who makes Fred Mertz look like the doting husband.
Yes, we’re at that paint-dry portion of Big Brother, with only a meager sampling of dreadful houseguests left to entertain us. But damn it, we’re going to fill up that hour one way or another.
No worries. There’s still a little drama to be squeezed out of this bunch. Advil asks the Magfather not to even try for the veto. The Magfather, of course, laughs off the suggestion, but it hits a nerve with Shreikvette. Why, if Advil or Barbarella win it, the nominations will stay the same! That means Shreikvette would have only a one-in-three chance of getting herself off! I guess that’s worse than the one-in-four chance she would have if the Magfather was trying her best. Because no doubt she’d use it to veto Shreikvette if she won. But it’s not like the Magfather would ever throw a competition. Right?
So, as the Chenbot astutely points out via her cue cards, the F-word Alliance is cracking. I’m shocked. I thought they’d find some way to declare the game a three-way tie and set up a trust fund left in Napoleon IX’s hands.
Back in the jury house, which the Chenbot has again astutely pointed out is divided, everyone can’t wait to see who’s next. Hornie walks through the door, and Enoch Snow calls him a dumbass. Took the words right of the Chenbot’s cue card. Hornie says something bizarre about borrowing Typical Man From a Lifetime Movie’s underwear, and Rachel (she's not interesting enough to warrant a nickname) is mad at the evil cheerleader for hanging all over the guy she really likes but is too embarrassed to admit.
The producers use their latest tactic in shoving another recap in the show – the jury member’s tape. Beauring squeals like a stereotype when he realizes Shriekvette won HOH, but Julia Roberts’ Husband in Sleeping With the Enemy is not pleased. The Magfather’s guess of 1 for the final question obviously was meant to throw the competition, so he can’t understand why Shriekvette is celebrating. Well, at least she’s gotten it out of her system. Right?
Basically, everyone is acting Hornie’s mental age, and the evil cheerleader points out that people are starting to get on her nerves. Good. You’ve been getting on my nerves for two months, just like you were getting on lonely longshoremen in the months prior to that. Evil slut.
OK, back to the hamsters who are actually still playing the game. And Advil. It’s time for the veto competition, and this one’s a toughie. The players have to match up faces (and Napoleon IX is one of them, unfortunately) with statements about them. But the twist – these statements might actually pertain to more than one houseguest. Oooh! Scandalous.
Shreikvette, surprisingly, applies some strategy to the game and wins. Barbarella comes close but screws up on her beloved Michael, which probably means their relationship will last only six weeks outside the house instead of seven. The Magfather unsuccessfully tries the make-one-move-and-hit-the-buzzer strategy. Advil could have had a V-8.
So pleased with her victory, and possibly indicating that she might have been reading the message boards, Shreikvette takes a flying leap. For joy, sadly. But not all the Whos in Whoville are rejoicing. Advil thinks it’s in really poor taste to be celebrating when (sob!) it means either she or the Magfather will be leaving! ‘Cause it’s not about the money, you see.
This escalates between a shouting match between Advil and Shriekvette. Here’s a hint, Advil. Never start a conversation with “This will make you mad, but…” – particularly when that person holds your fate in her hands. But it’s not about the money, right? Anyway, Advil blames Shreikvette for causing her to negatively prejudge some of the people in the house. Like Barbarella. Or Kaysar. Or Mich…er, never mind that one. Shreikvette gets Cuban on her tail-sprouting, mutant ass – also the place where she wants to shove the veto. Barbarella, meanwhile, uses this opportunity to try to cozy up a jury vote from Advil. And in what has become a cliché for this show, Shriekvette runs off to weep on the bed. Or maybe that’s just stock footage. I can’t even tell anymore.
In the veto ceremony, Shriekvette wisely does not pull a Marcellus and vetoes herself. Hey, how come my spellchecker recognizes Marcellus but not Barbarella? Anyway, the Magfather doesn’t even get a chance for a futile plea for the veto before Shreikvette’s off and Advil’s on. And we get the obligatory “I’m sorry” from Barbarella and the “It’s OK” from Advil.
*blink blink* Sorry. I nodded off during the “Chenbot interviews the HOH” session. Her questions reveal absolutely nothing, save a word association game with Barbarella. How closely were you listening?
Chenbot: The Magfather?
Barbarella: Calculating psychopath Quiet.
Chenbot: Shriekvette?
Barbarella: Shrill harpy Loud.
Chenbot: Advil?
Barbarella: Incessantly yammering maw Talkative.
Chenbot: Michael?*
Barbarella: Sperm donor who I’ll toss aside when…Mi amor!*
*edited from both the East and West coasts’ versions.
Chenbot then sets up the vote, which is now solely in the hands of Shreikvette. The Magfather gives a speech about how brilliant everyone left in the house is. Advil ends her first sentence with a preposition, so I stopped listening. Shreikvette gets up to make her sobby speech but mentions Napoleon IX in the first sentence, so I stopped listening.
So while they’re talking about all this, I’d like to present you with the following news from the Oxford English Dictionary. Because of popular demand from Big Brother watchers, the following words will be eliminated in the next edition of the dictionary:
Friendship
Pepperoni
Cappy
Jedi
Nerd
Herd
Golden
Power
Of
Veto
Integrity
Both sovereign and final, when a number follows either word
Point being, Advil’s gone. Tears, tears, tears as Advil trips out the front door to meet the Chenbot in person. I’ll bet that was her goal all along. Because, you know, it was never about the money. Advil, instead of blaming her houseguests, goes all Amityville on us and blames it on the house. Wow. My spellchecker recognizes Amityville, too. But Advil’s happy to be on the jury because, you know, she’s never been on a jury before. And there’s no greater honor than the one passed on by our Founding Fathers to allow us to serve on a jury of our peers to determine which moron wins a large sum of money.
BTW, Barbarella fans. Sorry to tell you, but here's what's between the lines in that conversation. The Shreikvette/Advil fight lasted a day, they made up and Advil's all pumped to vote for her in the end, again. Maybe if Barbarella just sells 5,000 of those dolls on eBay...
Before we say goodbye to Advil, we get a look at her goodbye messages. Barbarella, eye on the jury, says something nice. Shreikvette, eye up her ass (instant message from Bebo: You’ve just used up the last “ass” that you’re allotted in this summary), harps on their argument from the other day. The Magfather says some mushy nonsense.
The Chenbot sets up the scene for the Final 3’s HOH competition. Another endurance competition, the first round requires the three ladies to keep their hands on a key while balancing on a lock. Before the commercial, the Chenbot tells us she’s about to take the contestants for a spin. I wonder what she could mean by that? And what could possibly be a bonus prize for this game featuring a picture of a lock?
Note: I’ve just been alerted by the Oxford folk that “Cappy” has never actually been a word in the dictionary, and therefore, does not need to be removed. But saying it out loud is punishable by the chopping off of the tongue.
Back from commercial. Gasp! The new “spin” on the game (touché for that witty pun, Chenbot) will be that the lock will start to spin. Oh, and the prize for winning this round will get the combination to the last safe. Never would have guessed that! So tune in Friday to see who wins this endurance challenge. Or just go look on the live feeds and save yourself the pain. At least this time, we know we’ll be getting a weekend after the Chenbot sighting.
A kyngsladye/IceCat masterpiece.
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