Welcome, my friends, to the show that never ends. We are in the 4th week and the Hamsters are really going after each other. Why so much animosity? Blame the Cavemen!
In the Beginning
Once upon a time, a caveman tripped while taking a walk. With his head still in the dirt, he heard a sound that had never been heard before: Someone was laughing…at him! Caveman saw that the laughter came from a cute cavewoman who was enjoying the scene. So, instead of being angry, he tried to find new ways to make her laugh so she’d stay with him. The funny caveman became the world’s first comedian.
After an eon, funny cavemen were earning a lot of money from Businesscavemen to perform their trade, some with artistry, others crudely. Comedian cavemen were happy but Businesscavemen weren’t too happy with the arrangement: It was as expensive to produce a hit as it was to have a flop like “Joey”.
One day, Evil-Plan-caveman approached Big-Network-caveman with a new invention: “Instead of paying not-so-funny-cavemen millions of dollars to make a single episode, I’ve got this real-fat-naked-caveman who we could put on a deserted island in Borneo and we’d only have to pay him one million at the end of the season. Big-Network-caveman wasn’t sure at first but gave this idea a try. He didn’t need to pull that show off the air.
In fact, it worked so well that Big-Network-caveman started putting real-cavemen in all sorts of situations. That put many comedians out of work. Businesscaveman didn’t care about artistry anymore, he was making the big bucks. A problem arose when his cavewife asked to participate in one of his reality show. Fearing that, if she had to take care of a Pit Stop in Argentina, she’d end up in Australia, something simpler had to be found for his wife. Someone proposed a game for Neanderthals. Perfect: That just could make her look smart.
Which finally brings us to Big Brother.
A Brief Recap
This season, the cave has been decorated to fit the theme of “Alice in Wonderland.” In my opinion, they got the wrong Alice. This is much closer to “Welcome to my Nightmare.” As many viewers, I wonder how I got caught up in this program. It’s quite addictive and I blame those mushrooms! “Feed your head” the “White Rabbit” song goes. It’s just a different kind of junk food for the brain.
In Week 1, we saw the reign of Kale who proclaimed: “Praise the Lord and My Fair Rule.” That led to the departure of a bimbo in an orange dress. Jen’s “Me, Me, Me” story dominated week 2. That’s when we drank shots in her honor and when we saw Evil start playing his mind games with the houseguests. His manipulations led to the exit of the insufferable Joe who, ironically, had been nominated for being too manipulative! Week 3 saw Evil impose “My House, My Rules” to his fellow caveguests and just as quickly as he had gained a place of dominance, he gave it away by going on a power trip. With Cappy’s Napoleon-Complex, Howie’s immaturity, a small dose of Will’s gameplay and the worse traits from Survivor’s Shane, Judd and Lex, this crimson-haired, self-anointed king of the cave is really a “21st Century Schizoid Man.” Mike annoyed Schizo and, after Jen was granted POV, the king yelled “Off with his Head.”
This week, I thought we’d get a break under Dustin’s “I’m so Happy” regime but then, he found his ruler. Dustin simply copied Schizo and nominated a pawn (Kale) and a princess (Jen) for eviction. Talk about Déjà vu! Since he followed his leader’s plan like a good little lap dog, Dustin will now be dubbed “Little D*ck.” Those 2 “gnome-on-knees” allowed Schizo to run loose in the cave. He spent part of the week rattling Kale’s cage again, telling her: “Your opinion is irrelevant, you threw your alliance under the bus, now you’re Under My Wheels.” Most of the time, he spent yelling insults at Jen.
At first, I really thought “Little D*ck” was cool. Having the spotlight on him, I realize he’s simply boring. With God having decreed that the POV belonged to Jameka, Jen was taken off the block to complete the “Divine revelation”. Nick was the last minute replacement choice of the Late Night Crud, threatening to put an end to his showmance.
The Episode: finally! Don’t you just hate long recaps?!
Act I: Who called the Audible?
To the joy of her legions of fans, the Chenbot graced our screen for this broadcast. The bot emitted: “This week, faith took centerstage…Tonight, the house guests will be casting their votes live and either Nick or Kale will be evicted from the Big Brother house. Butt first, the nominations sent the house into a tail spin.”
We heard confessionals from the players involved:
Nick: “I’m surprised. I think they see me as a threat for later on while Kale is starting to wilt.”
Kale: “All week, I was told the target was Zach. Now, I’m worried.”
Little D*ck: “This was a house decision. We had a golden opportunity of backdooring him, to get the weasel out of the house.”
As soon as she got a chance, Kale got Little D*ck in the HoH bedroom. He assured her that it was a planned move.
She couldn’t believe it: “And Ambore supported that? You gotta be kidding. I didn’t see that one coming at all.”
Little D*ck explained: “Her relationship with Nick is too strong and is holding her back in the game. It has to be cut. He plays all sides…The bond between Danielle, Schizo and Nick…It got to go…I have more than 4 people supporting me. He’s a threat to everybody.”
Nick started making rounds to see where he stood since the call for his number wasn’t in his playbook. He first confronted Danielle, accusing her of knowing all along. She could only hide her face in her hands.
Nick then went outside where Schizo and Eric were sitting. Nick spoke: “I think the plan is to get rid of me. He wanted to backdoor all along. Schizo, I told you man, I was going to look out for your daughter.”
Schizo avoided telling Nick the truth by saying that he wanted the nominations to stay the same.
Nick pushed the question: “Was it a whole house consensus? Did you know it was going to happen?”
Eric stammered for an answer: “I…Humm…I…Ah…The only thing, ah…I had heard a multitude of names mentioned. I didn’t know what the ultimate choice had been.”
Schizo was tugging on his cigarette to avoid having to answer more than: “It was back and forth, back and forth.”
Zach came out to the back-yard but Nick immediately asked him to go back in so that he could talk for a second. Zach looked like a child sent away by grown-ups: “I thought we were close, dude” he mourned as he went back inside.
Nick got reassurance from the two liars that Kale was the target and went back in the house to continue his rounds.
Next up for Nick was confronting Ms Waterworks. You could tell by her puffy red cheeks that Ms Niagara was about to reach the moment when the levee breaks. Old Faithful has an eruption of tears every hour on the hour. Ambore had been the first to suggest putting Nick on the block instead of Zach, Despite that, she was crying in bed with Nick because he was nominated.
If it was up to me, this drama queen would be called “Squonk” : an ugly creature that, when approached, dissolves in a pool of tears.
Nick ended up comforting Squonk instead of confronting her! He told her that whatever happens, happens. Lying through her teeth, Squonk swore that Little D*ck never told her anything about his final replacement choice. She ended up telling Nick: “I love you so much.”
Danielle caught up with the roving Nick and sat him down. “I really, really, really tried for it not to happen this way for you” she assured him.
“So you knew it was going to happen” accused Nick.
“Yeah” answered Danielle. “But how was I supposed to tell you? You have to tell me the truth, you have to give me the 100% truth: Did you vote to evict Kale?”
Nick swore on his life that it wasn’t him: “No. People are going to look stupid when they see the truth. The emotions I felt for you are real. I never screwed you over once, but it’s fine…It just sucks that you knew the whole time and you didn’t tell me.” He left her so that she could think about the situation.
Nick was still on the prowl, now going after the HoH in his bedroom while Squonk was still floating in the pond she had created in the middle of the bed. Nick wanted to know why Little D*ck called a trick play: “That took some balls, man. It’s just a game. You should have told me.”
“It wasn’t that easy. The decision wasn’t made that quickly” lied Little D*ck with more aplomb than I thought he could find.
“I just wanted you to tell it to my face” argued Nick. “I understand it’s a game. Today you had to know the decision. All I ever asked was to be told what’s going on.” He left the room saying: “I want you to know that there are no hurt feelings, don’t worry about it.”
As Nick left, Squonk…you guessed it…cried some more.
The cameras left Nick alone and went to the bedroom where Schizo was having it out with Jen: “You’re full of sh*t” he swore. “You’re a b*tch for using Jameka. You threw the competition at the end, you put her in a bad spot. You used her, you use people. You’re a scumbag for throwing the POV competition.”
“All your negative energy is only hurting you” Jen countered.
“Jen, *bleeep* yourself.”
“I’m not a bad person” objected Jen.
“You are a good person in your own mind. Saddam Hussein was too (sic). You’ve shown what kind of person you were when you took your mother’s picture off the wall” responded Schizo, displaying no restraint.
“Go for it, I don’t care. What you say to me does nothing” said Jen.
“That’s right. It doesn’t bother you, because you have nothing inside. You are so hung up on yourself” yelled Schizo as he stormed out of the room.
Jen just looked at him leave, saying “Poor me” with a smile. You have to admit that the girl can take it.
Later, Jen walked into the bathroom where Danielle was talking about her frustrations with Eric. Jen told Danielle: “I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with him your whole life. I’m sure you’re a really strong person too.”
Danielle didn’t speak to Jen. Instead she went to the diary room to confide: “Jen’s a very rude, mean person. She goes out of her way to take stabs at me and try to put me down. She doesn’t know or care what I’ve been through so, for her to even say something like that to me, is absolutely ridiculous.”
We returned to Nick again just as he had decided to cut his hair in a mohawk. What’s with the Hamsters’ fascination with Lex this season? Showing some originality, he had pink nail polish on. Don’t ask why. All he said to Schizo, who was observing in silence, was: “Dani knew I was going up, she just told me. It’s no big deal.”
(If it was no big deal, then why the sudden, complete transformation?)
Act II: Have Some Ice Tea.
It all started with Danielle and a surprisingly dry Squonk in the kitchen. Danielle was saying that she understood it was a group decision and would vote with the group. It’s just that this group decision was so frustraaaaating for her. I think Danielle holds the world record for most things that frustrate her or make her sick. She would soon add to her record.
Danielle saw Jen entering the kitchen and said: “I don’t even want to talk with her.” But, of course, she did. She started telling Jen that she’s sick of her, that Jen’s so rude to her, that Jen hated her from day 1, that she’s sick of Jen’s self-centered attitude. She went on: “It’s a personal problem with you and you need to deal with it. I’m so sick and tired of the way you treat me. You treat me like crap and I’ve never done anything to you. You have problems for that.”
The fight caught the ear of Schizo, Zach and Nick, so they walked into the kitchen to observe.
Danielle was still going at it, telling Jen she was rude to her.
Jen said that she tried to be Dani’s friend…
Danielle interrupted by saying Jen knows nothing about her friendship with Nick.
Jen said that she tried to be Dani’s fr…
Danielle interrupted by saying she’s sick of Jen being jealous of her friendship with Nick.
Jen said that she stopped trying to be her friend when she saw that Danielle had poor morals by cheating on her boyfriend who she was engaged to.
Seeing that Jen had dared to stand up to his baby, Schizo walked behind Jen and dumped a glass of ice tea on her head.
Jen just smiled and shook her hair.
Father and daughter left the room in frustration.
Jen looked at the mess on the floor and said: “We can’t all be twelve.”
Misinterpreting Jen’s last comment, Nick felt the need to defend his reputation; he’s a caveman, not a pedophile. He just likes girls that look and act too young: “Shut up, and get out of here” he screamed at Jen. He went on: “You have no right saying she’s a twelve year old.”
Jen assured him she was talking about Schizo acting like a 12 year old for pouring ice tea on her, not about his little girlfriend.
Nick continued acting like a pr*ck by yelling some more at Jen. He stormed out of the kitchen.
Note to Estee: We’ve got an answer for you: Squonk didn’t cry over spilled Ice Tea. She probably does cry over spilled milk but not Ice Tea.
“Jewel E C Hen” came back on our screen after that incident, saying: “There will be live voting tonight.” (Duh!) “Butt first, Danielle, Schizo, Squonk and Jen talk about the nominees.”
From the diary room we heard:
Danielle, with a smile on her face: “Kale’s a mess…She walks around, Hi! Hi! like she’s gonna kill herself. Ha! Ha!”
Schizo: “One of the many sides of me wants to see Kale go, but for my daughter, personaly, I would like to see Nick go.”
Jen: “There’s no reason to keep Nick in the house. He’s been rude. He’s no help to me.”
Squonk: “Nick’s a genuinely good person. It’s better if he goes because then, I don’t have someone to depend on. Maybe I can get my emotions under control because if I don’t stop crying as much as I do, eventually, it’s gonna bite me in the ass.”
(Eventually?? Please, make it happen sooner than that.)
Act III: Captain America to the Rescue:
While we’re in commercial, I have to ask: What’s the deal with America’s Player? I thought the goal was to see if the audience could help the player win. Is that what the writers consider strategy? When did Will spray mustard on someone’s shirt or try to create a silly catch phrase like “I’d do that for a dollar”? What happened to that task anyway? Even the editors got bored with that one because we didn’t hear anything about it. The more pressing question is: Could Eric be a threat to national security? Enemies of the United States could be emboldened if they think that, as America’s Player, he represents the best we have to offer!
Back to the action: Nick continued to fight to stay in the cave. He went to the work-out room and talked with Squonk who was on the threadmill. Nick said: “I think I have the votes but I’m not going to campaign for them.”
Again, with no shame, Squonk played Nick: “I think that a lot of people don’t want to tell you the truth about how it went down because they don’t want to look bad.”
(She’s quite a B*tch, isn’t she?)
As this was going on, it was time for Eric to start playing. Could he help Nick? It wasn’t his plan even if, having seen Nick’s mohawk, Eric decided it would suit him also. He didn’t completely cut his hair on the side but he had spiked hair on top. Not a great look, if you ask me. Despite copying the new look, Eric told us that he wanted to get rid of Nick. He even started gloating: “There’s room for only one Casanova in the BB house. I’m ready to see Nick leave. I don’t want him here at all. My relationship with Nick has never been better than it’s been this week because I know he’s going home. Shockingly enough, it’s going to be this 5 foot 7 Jew from New York, it’s not going to be the 6 foot 5 pro athlete from Minnesota, that wins it this time around. You’re going home and I’m well on my way to winning so…Enjoy your last days in the house.”
(Minnesota? I have to take a break for a moment. What a tragedy. I hope everyone in Nick’s family is alright. Also, a thought to everyone who lost loved ones in this and a salute to some real heroes.)
Entering the Diary Room, Eric put on his superhero face but got a surprise when he read his next mission. He had to vote out Kale!! He started grumbling that America didn’t value his strategic input. It’s amusing how America can vote sometimes!
Eric started his mission for America in bed with Jessica. Lucky Bastard! I’m sure many in America would’ve liked that job instead of leaving it to our representative. Jessica could be the perfect model for this kind of show; A hot body, a quirky face and blonde hair that go every which way. She looks like a cheerleader but she’s only a cheerful follower. She could be a funny character but we simply don’t get to see much of her. Despite that, she could be in a good position to last to the end.
For now, Eric is saying: “I just want to point out, I *bleep* can’t stand Kale.”
That really perked up Jessica “Me too” she chimed in with a smile.
(Come on, Eric, America wants to see you make a move on her. Lets see that task completed.)
Stubbornly, Captain America went on with the charade: “I don’t trust her at all. I don’t think she’s anywhere near as out of it as people think. She’s letting people think she’s defeated. I think she’s obnoxious, boring, old and a liar. I hate her, I’d like to see her leave. If we all can’t stand someone, lets make sure she’s no longer with us. I can’t stand her.”
Jessica giggled along at the thought of seeing Kale leave.
Obligated to go on with his mission, Eric took control during the meeting of the Late Night Crud: “I’ll open it up and say the following: Lets just look at all sides of everything. Let me name some pros as to why it would be good to see Kale leave:
1) We hate her.
2) We can’t give her a free pass because she’s a sack of Doodoo.
3) Don’t be fooled, we saw the true Kale about 5 minutes of being here when she smoked everyone on the mushroom.
4) Kale needs to be dealt with and she is still a threat.”
Dustin nodded. Schizo seemed amused and added that he’s unhappy to see that Kale is getting comfortable, sitting week after week and that it doesn’t affect her like it did the first week. “The shock of it is over and we need to start working on it.”
The meeting faded from our screens without coming to an agreement.
Act IV: Building the Suspense
We joined the “action” in the back-yard where father and daughter were conferring about the vote. Schizo was finished looking out for the group. “It’ time to think for us.” Danielle was in agreement.
Schizo commented from the diary room: “I’d like to see Kale go.”
Danielle also went to the diary room to comment: “I don’t want to see Nick leave the game yet.”
The ChenBot had another occasion to flash her dumb smile on camera as she assembled everyone in the living room to ask some questions:
The Bot: “Nick has a new look. Ladies: What do you think about Nick’s new doo, Squonk?
Squonk: “Nick’s a good looking guy, regardless…” (She’d do him in a second. Yuk!)
The Bot: “Eric, you look like Nick’s little brother. Is your haircut a sign of solidarity?”
America’s Player: “No, No. Nick did it first…Gotta change things up…To keep things fun. We’re calling it the shark’s fin.”
More Bot talk: “Jen, it’s no secret that Schizo pored a glass of Ice Tea on your head, yet you remained surprisingly calm. What was going through your mind?”
Jen: “We’ve been here 33 days now in the house. I’m pretty much used to Schizo.”
Bot: “Schizo, do you feel like you should apologize?”
Schizo: “Absolutely not. I just wish the glass was more full.”
Bot: “Jameka, do you know why God put you in the house?”
Jameka: “Wow…hopefully to win, I don’t know.”
After a bigger role in the last episode, Jameka returned to a token appearance.
We got the thoughts of the remaining voters from the diary room but, as with trees falling in the forest, do votes, from people we never see, even count?
Zach: Nick’s my greatest ally in the game. Without a doubt, if Nick told me to vote this person out, I would vote that person out.”
Jameka: “Nick is the owner of Zach. Zach is his slave. Zach would be lost in this game…I want to keep Kale in the house because she does an excellent job of putting the dishes away.” (Did that sound as if Jameka wanted her own slave?)
Jessica: “I’d want Kale out of the house. She tried to be so powerful in the beginning but it backfired in her face. Then she acted like a moping dog and that backfired in her face.”
Act IV: The Eviction
We first get a peak along with the ChenBot into the HoH room. She asked Little D*ck if he had any regrets about the POV competition.
The HoH responded that he was sorry for putting Jameka in a compromising situation but that he was happy to be taking his girlfriend to Barbados…Girlfriend? Did we missed something? Wasn’t he gay? Of course, he can be a switch hitter if he wants but. I sure hope the girlfriend knew about Joe before!
The Chenbot then asked about Schizo’s manners and how he treated women.
Little D*ck defended his master: “Part of his strategy is to intimidate everybody in the house…A lot of times, he takes things a step waaay too far but for the most part, it doesn’t really affect me. He took the brute (sic) of everything this week. The fact that I took the 5 Grand at the end of the veto competition, no one recognized it because he took all the heat.”
(Schizo must be happy to have Little D*ck!)
We returned to the living room where the caveguests were assembled. The ChenBot had rebooted her program: “In a few moments, you will each be going to the diary room to vote live. Kale, you can now plead your case to have your torture prolonged.”
“I’m just a pawn every week. I love being a pawn and if you need a pawn outside this house, I hope we can have some good times.” said a cheerful Kale.
Nick said the votes were already set in stone, so instead of pleading, he addressed his last words to Danielle, telling her she is “beautiful, smart…” Stop it, my stomach can’t take any more.
The Chenbot read her recorded message: “It’s now time to vote. Little D*ck, let me remind you that, in case of a tie, you will be casting the deciding vote. Jen you’re up first.”
Jen voted Nick.
Before going to a commercial break, the Chenbot thought she had to tell us the votes were 2-1 for Nick’s eviction. Does she think we’re as dumb as her?
Eric had to vote for Kale despite wanting Nick gone. He said he had changed his tune the moment he got his orders and he started gunning for Kale’s dismissal and would want to go after Kale and Jen again.
Jessica: Nick (Are Captain America’s powers waning?)
Schizo: “Nick, regrettably” he said
It’s now official, Nick has been evicted from the house but we still have Danielle’s vote to soften the blow.
Danielle votes Nick. Et tu, Brute?
“The results are in” announced a cheerful Chen, always sadistically happy to end someone’s dreams. “Houseguests, just a reminder: When I read the votes, the evicted houseguest will have just a few moments to say goodbye, gather their belongings and walk out the frontdoor.”
(For Nick that would be enough time to beat the crap out of Schizo and Little D*ck and still make out one last time with Danielle)
As the 6-2 vote was revealed, disappointedly, Nick calmly left the house. No last minute speech or sparks not even a “scumbags”. Just kisses and hugs all around.
Act V: The Interview
Nick joined the Chenbot on the sofa. They spoke about his feelings and Nick said it was Danielle’s decision, that it fell on her. “Whatever happens, happens.”
The Chenbot went back to the second vote for Kale last week.
Nick said it probably was Jen, that he had probably put his foot in his mouth when he talked to Jen so that she and Kale devised a plan.
Nick then saw Eric appear on video, saying that he was the second vote for Kale because he was this season’s second twist, that he was playing for America and following America’s nominations and evictions while putting mustard on Jen’s sweater.
Nick was surprised but had very little reactions to the twist. Too many concussions in my opinion.
We then saw the videos that had been prepared for the evicted player.
Zach: “I tried my best…I hope we can have a beer and share stories.”
Kale: “I was told it would be Zach. I’m surprised. I’m really sorry.”
Schizo: “You’re a good guy. You are going to be missed in the house. It was a couple of mistakes you made. You should’ve been up front with the whole alliance thing from the beginning. If you had done that, things would have been so different for you.”
Squonk, looking uglier than ever, cries: “I did know. I hope you’re not mad at me.”
Danielle: “I came to the house to play the game. I didn’t know I would have such a strong friendship. You mean more to me than you realize. I hope we can be best friends.”
Friends…Words of doom. The poor guy doesn’t stand a chance.
The Final Act: The Unfinished HoH Competition
Going to the back-yard, we saw clocks with pendulums which the players were told to climb on. As they settled in, the pendulums started swinging.
After the last commercial break, the ChenBot ordered the players: “Hang like a bat, upside down.” She went on saying: “If this was a nice suburban home, we’d have nice birds singing but this is the Big Brother House.”
With that, crows started cawing and the players got sprayed with what was supposed to represent bird poo.
The competition promised to be fierce and last a long time, keeping the live feeders awake. In the end…“Telephone is Ringing”…I hate waking up to a ringing phone. Usually, it’s bad news. At least this time, it woke me from this bad dream: I was living with cavemen who were always ready to lie, fight and start wars rather than live in peace and love…Thankfully, we’ve evolved since then.